Dp lies again

[fraidknot]

for a bit of background as to how I found out, I happened upon some recent bank statements he'd hidden., including unautherised overdraft letter. Iwas very concerned as he has had serious issues with money. I then went to check on the credit cards he had ordered months ago (again hidden from me until I happened to get the mail first). The credit cards and their pins which he had promised he wouldn't use were gone.
At this point I was at the stage of, right what else is he hiding and decided to try and check his email in case of payment receipts there. He's a computer gamer and has lists of passwords etc for that so I tried a couple and one worked. No more money issues here, but in contacts he had another email address (for himself) I didn't know exsisted. I tried this address with the same password...and it worked. This one only had two contacts in, a female friend from his old work (not entirely happy as they had a bit of a thing, but nothing really dodgy message wise), and a random stranger it turns out he'd been having an online 'sexual' relationship with. There was very graphic stuff on there, all him initiating as far as I could see. It had ended a few weeks ago because SHE called it off as she didn't want to risk her real life relationship.

Have confronted him this evening and sent him to his parents for now as I just can't look at him.

The problem is, we had a very similar situation happen about 2 yrs ago and it took a long time to build up my trust and he's gone and smashed it to bits again :( I don't want to break up, and we have a child together, but I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

Does anyone have any advice on working through this or is there no hope for us?

It would worry me that he's done it before. You've been here before, he faced losing everything and he still did it - and he went to great lengths to be able to do it.

I don't want to say he's never going to stop, because I don't know that, but someone who can do it once, nearly tear his family apart, put his wife through hell and then create secret emails and start doing it all over again... well, that's not someone who learned anything, is it? He was willing to risk you before and he's still willing to risk you.

I honestly don't know what to suggest to you.

Why would you want to be with someone who is so devious? With regards money and having online relationships?

If he has done it once odds on it will happen again because something is lacking for him in his real life.

He seeks adventure elsewhere because real life does not make him feel complete.

Do you want to just have half of him? Is that enough for you

I don't see how you can repair the trust, sorry.

Is he your 'forever' man - the best partner and father he could be, putting what's best for the family first, considering everyone's needs and feelings.

Or are you just settling for what you've got.

This would be a deal breaker. Indeed, trick me once, I might give you another chance, do it twice, and that's it, you're history.
Especially given what he is doing.
I'd also get rid merely for the fact that he's a 'gamer'.
I find it hard to have respect for people who are 'gamers'.
They are the lowest of the low, spending so much time frittering away their lives with these stupid, stupid games.
It is so sad when I discover that 80% of students in my high school classes in Japan, play games almost daily.
The future is screwed.
People are going to quickly lose the ability to communicate or to live in the real world.
It is a crying shame.
I am relieved that I do not have children in this day and age.
The future is bleak with gamers becoming quite the norm.
Oops, rant about gaming over.
Sorry about that.

This man has repeatedly proved to you that he is untrustworthy.

If you allow yourself to trust him again you won't need a crystal ball to predict the future.

Don't you thnk you and your dc deserve better than a man who's prepared to piss your money, your hopes, and your dreams, down the drain whenever it suits him?

The bottom line is that the only relationship he's in is the one he's having with himself.

Tell him to keep it that way and set yourself free to find a man who will truly love and cherish you after you have learned how to love and cherish yourself.

the concensus so far certainly isn't good is it :( not that I expected it to be really. Think I just want someone to say there there it'll all be ok, even though I know deep down it won't.
When it happened the first time, we had a young baby, and his excuse was about feeling left out and jealous. I know this can affect lots of new fathers, which is why I tried to work through it. He has a much higher sex drive than me to which I know doesn't help.....but it's one thing googling porn and a whole level of betrayal having an online relationship. I explained that that was what hurt the most last time.

We are very good together in other areas, though as with all relationships there are times I could take him and shake him.

I just can't believe he's done this to me again! At least last time I knew there was something wrong, but this time I didn't have a clue. He must've been messaging her right in front of me and I had no idea :(

Clearly he learned from his mistakes last time and learned how to be more sneaky.

Don't let him make his choice to betray you your fault. It is not now and it wasn't back then. oooh, you didn't pay me enough attention. He is responsible for the choices he makes.

I mean, here is a man who, after having messed about, convinces you that it's your fault. You work really hard to try to trust him again, and he creates a secret email address so that he can get his rocks off and god knows what.

He's not trying at all, is he?

But please - whatever decision you make - do not allow him to convince you that his decision to do this is your fault.

When it happened the first time, we had a young baby, and his excuse was about feeling left out and jealous

This is the absolute pits. Who the hell does he think he is? This is not normal and would make me extremely .

He has a much higher sex drive than me Really? Are you sure or does he not know how to romance you? Maybe if he was caring for a new baby whilst you moaned that you felt 'left out' and looked for frivilous online titilation to pass the time, his sex drive might dip a bit?

Tell him to grow a pair. In fact tell him to take a hike, he's not man enough.

Whatever 'good points' you've convinced yourself that he possesses, the fact is that he is a selfish and self-centred knob who has no place in the life of any right-minded, self-respecting woman, let alone a place as a role model for impressionable dc.

You need to face the fact that whatever promises he may make, he'll simply become more proficient at covering his deceit and duplicity because he certainly won't be changing his ways.

The harsh fact is that it's incumbent on you to stop indulging any fantasy you may be entertaining that you can have a meaningful relationship with this man now that you've seen his true colours.

You may feel as if your heart is broken but a broken heart can easily be made as good as new. However, broken trust can never be restored and your trust in him has been broken beyond repair.

No.

It wasn't your fault last time and it isn't this time.

Your partner just cannot be trusted and it's as simple as that. He'd still tell lies and chance his arm with other women even if you showered him with attention. Your mistake last time was believing that he had just cause.

A second breach of trust should never be forgiven. You will be merely paving the way for a third.

Break-up now and don't take any responsibility for what are his failings.

"He must've been messaging her right in front of me and I had no idea"

That would be the dealbreaker for me. I couldn't stand the humiliation.

How fucking awful for you

Sorry I disappeared last night, he appeared home for round 2 of discussions. I'm still so confused and don't know what to do. We talked through alot of stuff, part of which was the reason behind what he did. It would seem that he didn't view it as cheating, but the same sort of thing as looking at porn, fantasy not real life. We talked through my (and I think most peoples) view of it, and basically said think about it the other way, if I'd done the same how would he view it.
I really don't want to break our family apart, but i feel like a complete mug/doormat to even be concidering otherwise.We have talked about going to councelling.

I still don't know how I could trust him again though, as people have said, he could just be more careful next time, I mean, that's what happened this time, it was pure fluke I found out. I don't want to live permanently doubting and second guessing things.

No trust - no relationship. He has betrayed you yet again; do not let him off a second time.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Would not enter into any joint counselling with this person (he will probably renage on going to any counselling anyway). Counselling solely for you though is adviseable.

Re your comment:-
"I really don't want to break our family apart, but i feel like a complete mug/doormat to even be concidering otherwise".

Your family unit is already broken. He made a conscious choice here, you are not responsible for his actions.

He is no decent role model for your child either. You both deserve better.

This is rubbish.

If he didn't view it as cheating, he wouldn't have hidden it so carefully, would he?

He'll just become even more careful now and hope that next time, the woman doesn't back off. Because make no mistake, he would have had sex with that woman if she hadn't pulled the plug on it.

If you continue this relationship, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you are giving him tacit permission to be unfaithful and that you are making a definite choice here.

What strikes me about this is that this is the second betrayal that you have found out about - but you only happened on this by chance so there may be others that you don't know about.

Also you have concerns that he is hiding debt from you which is also very worrying.

I'm really sorry that this is happening all over again for you. And I can totally understand that you are concentrating on his emotional affair as that is undoubtedly incredibly important and says a huge amount about his lack of respect for you.

But don't lose sight of the fact that not only has he been having an emotional affair, he has also racked up debt that he is hiding from you and there are a couple of credit cards that have disappeared. And that's just the stuff you've happened to find out about. Who knows what else he's hiding?

Given his past history I'd find the EA or the lies over money incredibly hard to forgive, but both at the same time? He's repeatedly proven himself to be untrustworthy. He's repeatedly demonstrated how he is willing to hide stuff from you and lie to your face. How can there be a relationship without trust?

I'm sorry, I can't give you suggestions for how you work through this because I genuinely don't know how it is possible to "work through" such utter disrespect and appallingly selfish behaviour.

winetime I know,I have wondered this myself. He's also had serious debt issues in the past (before we met) so he knows how serious it is and my feelings on the matter about talking about it.
charbon the woman wasn't local, from what I could tell she was in America so no intent to follow through, not that that makes it better.
I really want to find a way to make this work, I have stated catagorically that ANYTHING like this happens again and that will be it, no discussion, no chance for apology or grovelling, me and the kids will be gone.

You said that last time though and you haven't followed through.

His respect for you will now be further dented and because of that, it's even more likely that he will do this again. He knows you'll put up with anything and I imagine you'll stop looking for evidence now, so that you don't have to carry out your threat.

Why do you think you're worth so little and that it would be better to be with a liar than on your own?

Oh do sod off Barreal, I'm a gamer, DH is a gamer, being a gamer has nothing to do with being a lying tosspot, just like being a trainspotter/sports fan/insert hobby of choice has nothing to do with it.

The bottom line is that you can't trust him and without absolute trust there is no relationship.

I rest my case.

Harsh malificence - barreal is perfectly entitled to her opinion and does not deserve to be told to "sod off".

Sorry OP, but I think his time has come. You can't make empty threats to someone as he now knows that you will just put up with it. I know it's a daunting prospect to be a single parent but surely you on your own with your self esteem intact and not worrying about money or who your 'd'h is sexting has got to be better than your current situation??

1st time shame on him

2nd time shame on you [if you let him stay]

Luckily he has somewhere else to go so it should make it easier for you to change the locks.

"I'd also get rid merely for the fact that he's a 'gamer'.
I find it hard to have respect for people who are 'gamers'.
They are the lowest of the low, spending so much time frittering away their lives with these stupid, stupid games".

She deserves to be told to sod off for coming out with utter crap like that.