Dp lies again

[fraidknot]

for a bit of background as to how I found out, I happened upon some recent bank statements he'd hidden., including unautherised overdraft letter. Iwas very concerned as he has had serious issues with money. I then went to check on the credit cards he had ordered months ago (again hidden from me until I happened to get the mail first). The credit cards and their pins which he had promised he wouldn't use were gone.
At this point I was at the stage of, right what else is he hiding and decided to try and check his email in case of payment receipts there. He's a computer gamer and has lists of passwords etc for that so I tried a couple and one worked. No more money issues here, but in contacts he had another email address (for himself) I didn't know exsisted. I tried this address with the same password...and it worked. This one only had two contacts in, a female friend from his old work (not entirely happy as they had a bit of a thing, but nothing really dodgy message wise), and a random stranger it turns out he'd been having an online 'sexual' relationship with. There was very graphic stuff on there, all him initiating as far as I could see. It had ended a few weeks ago because SHE called it off as she didn't want to risk her real life relationship.

Have confronted him this evening and sent him to his parents for now as I just can't look at him.

The problem is, we had a very similar situation happen about 2 yrs ago and it took a long time to build up my trust and he's gone and smashed it to bits again :( I don't want to break up, and we have a child together, but I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

Does anyone have any advice on working through this or is there no hope for us?

I agree. Particularly as she's done it while frittering away her life on MN...

I agree. Particularly as she's done it while frittering away her life on MN...

exactly my thoughts

you dont have to play games to waste your life online

fraidnot

When you had 'the talk' with him, there is only one thing he could say which might make it worth even considering a reconciliation.

He would immediately and without hesitation admit everything he did. He would tell you that it was 100% his fault and that you are in no way to blame. It was nothing that you did or didn't do which led him to it, it was his own decision which he deeply regrets. He understands that he has betrayed your trust and that he might never regain it. He has no excuse or reason so will not try to offer one. He realises that he doesn't deserve you and has lost you through his own selfish behaviour. It was not a 'moment of madness' it was a choice, carefully thought out which took time and effort on his behalf. He is only sorry because he has been caught and he realises that the consequences are that the relationship is over. He is desperately unhappy at himself and will seek counselling to change his behaviour in future relationships and to understand himself better. He wishes you well for the future and hopes that you find someone who makes you happy.

If he said that, OP, it might be worth a shot. Because it's the truth. Anything less is just demeaning and insulting to you.

OP More fool you.

You seem to be totally deluded and in denial. I cannot believe the crap that you are saying.

Your DP didn't listen to your threats to leave last time so he won't believe you this time either. He will just be a bit more clever and hide things better. You were lucky this time to find the evidence you won't be so lucky next time.

Time for you to grow a pair and stick to your guns.

However l can tell you have made up your mind to forgive and believe himAGAIN so all l can add is we will see you back on MN with the same problems very very soonif you are lucky enough to catch him out.

You need all the luck in the world for a future with him coz it won't be a happy one.

Back to the OP...

You have already decided to give him another chance then

Didn't you warn him last time that if he did it again, you and the kids would be gone ?

So

See you again real soon

This man's an addict of some sort. It's either gambling or online sexual services - or there's something else that you may or may not know of/want to disclose. There is nothing you can do to make him stop spending money on these things unless and until he chooses to do so. You need to throw him out and see a solicitor to make sure that the debts he has incurred are separated from your finances.

My advice to you is to get youreslf a shiny, sexy, up-for-it new online persona

Arrange to meet men for no-strings sex, while leaving your dc in their father's care

Make sure you smell of aftershave when you do the walk of shame at stupid o'clock in the morning

Spend hours setting your liasons up right in front of him

When he complains, blame it all on him for not giving you enough attention, for being selfish enough to look after a baby instead of you

Make sure you grind his self esteem so far into the dust, he forgets what is right and wrong, what is truth and what is a lie

Deceive him with money. Bring your family to the brink of homelessness by hiding and spending money you don't even have. Make sure he walks on eggshells and is too frightened to rock the boat in case you decide the grass is greener with one of your fancymen.

And after all that, ask him how he likes it

If you don't really want to do all that...ask yourself why you are giving him the green light to do all that, and more, to you

I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, and every happiness.

But please just remember that saying - fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times?

Please take care of yourself. I really don't think you can depend on this man to cherish you, so look after yourself, ok? xx

OP - didn't want to just read and run. I really just want to say that am so sorry you've found yourself in such a horrible situation. FWIW though, I just think that it's risky to stay together for the DC; I understand, but your self esteem is/is going to be SO battered from this and they're going to grow up thinking that that's what relationships are like. Can you imagine 25 years down the line if they were putting up with this or similar behaviour or actually behaving like DH, thinking it was acceptable because 'it worked' for you? It's amazing what DC pick up on, and if you work through this and it continues to happen, DC is only going to become more aware/exposed to it. Your DH has not only cheated on you (in my view - my personal standards include cyber sex/messaging), but with the lying about money/debt, he is showing no regard for DC's future, so he has already wronged both of you. I have to say I agree that there might be hope if he WANTS to change and is truly regretful, but am also really with the 'fool me once...' camp. I also believe it would be healthier for DC to have a strong role model rather than your DH's selfish behaviour and your insecurities/unhappiness that will inevitably follow these episodes. This time now is hellish, but the world keeps on turning and eventually this will be behind you, one way or the other...there is life after separation/divorce and there is happiness, too.
Good luck!
XxX