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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When you made a decision to split

38 replies

gravity · 08/01/2006 13:45

did you still love your partner with all your heart?

But due to too much heart ache and pain through the relationship and the light at the end of the tunnel of happiness was just too far away.

By god, I love my dh, i do. I am just consumed by what happened. It will send us both insane.

OP posts:

cod · 08/01/2006 13:53

Message withdrawn

LadySherlockofLGJ · 08/01/2006 13:55

Oh Gravity

I have no idea, but I did not want your post to go by unnoticed.

Try talking to Sykes (I think it was her) her DS moved out, wanted to move, back in and she asked him to live on his own for 6 months to be sure it was what they both wanted.

Dior · 08/01/2006 14:01

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 08/01/2006 14:02

Dior

She has been trying so very hard, for so very long now. She has my admiration.

Dior · 08/01/2006 14:03

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Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:08

he hasnt moved out, we (sometimes i think just me though) are trying to fix our relationship after he cheated on me twice when i was eight months pregnant. there are so many lies. so much hurt. so much more has also occurred business wise etc, but its seven months ago since i found out. i know i do his head in. but... i hold so much against him. its always in the back of my head, he never told me about his "bit of fun". i found out by finding the video he made with the girls, i found it when our son was only a month old. the pain i feel isnt subsiding. i should try more counselling i know. but is there any other way? the advice i have had here is wonderful by some of the ladies. but is this too much to repair? i feel so muddled. i feel so sad. i'm really scared. we have a two and a half year old daughter and our son is 8 months old.i am writing this and bawling my eyes out. i'm so scared he will do it again.

OP posts:

Dior · 08/01/2006 14:13

Message withdrawn

cod · 08/01/2006 14:15

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Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:16

i think i may be at the point of paranoid, but i bring what happened up so regularly, i wish i wouldnt but i keep needing reassurance, he is just not being loving enough. all i want is what we had. and that was something beautiful. i will never understand why he did this. he used to look at me with such love and desire. i dont see that anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:18

you must think i'm such a dick head cod, for staying

OP posts:

Caligula · 08/01/2006 14:18

Hmm I don't know if I still loved him with all my heart.

What I did know, is that whatever I felt for him, it wasn't enough. I'd spent years trying to make it work, I was 35 and I got a moment of deja vu while once again talking to him about new ways of making it work. I saw myself in ten years time having the same conversation with him, and knew I couldn't face going through the same crap for the next ten years. It was a question for me of cutting my losses. I couldn't be bothered to go to counselling any more and I knew I wouldn't miss him, it would simply be a relief to get rid of him.

But that doesn't sound like the situation you're in. Can you face more counselling?

cod · 08/01/2006 14:18

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cod · 08/01/2006 14:19

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cod · 08/01/2006 14:19

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Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:22

he says he still loves me, but maybe now i'm just too damaged to see positive

ugh, i just feel so sad the last couple of days

OP posts:

Caligula · 08/01/2006 14:23

How does he show you that he loves you?

cod · 08/01/2006 14:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:28

he is an amazing father, a great provider (but there is more to life than money, so please dont take this wrong way), he does hold me, he does kiss me and now i am stuck fo words.how embarrassing, how stupid i am. i dont know what he does to show me anymore, but i think i have pushed him this way because i just couldnt give him a break.

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fireflyfairy2 · 08/01/2006 14:36

Gravity.. I'm so reading this. I feel for you, I really do. But I honestly think I could not love my DP/DH if he had done this on me. I might be afraid of the unknown, a new life on my own with a child, but it would be easier than trying to get over what he has done. I cannot beleive he videoed it or left it where you could find it.

I hope you have the strength to get through this and come out the other side. Has he ever said sorry or shown any remorse?

Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:40

did i find it by mistake? yes, in our business vehicle but it was not hidden very well.
but when we spoke at the time he says he didnt know how to tell me and was glad (not happy glad but relieved that i found it)

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Turquoise · 08/01/2006 14:44

You don't sound as though you're ready to finish it yet.
I hung on in for far too long, till there wasn't one iota of love or respect or even liking left. But you still love him, you're both trying - even though it's agony, does it have to be make or break now? Have you tried Relate?

Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:44

he has said he's sorry many times, he has shown remorse. i'm not painting a nice picture of him here. he is a beautiful person. he really is. he was going through alot at the time, business stress, other stresses, his close friend committed suicide, he lost another best mate in business. i can, i know i shouldnt, but i can justify with our circumstances why it happened (yet i dont know why it happened) . but i feel i need more from him now.

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Original poster

gravity · 08/01/2006 14:46

i wish i coulg cope with my emotions that keep overflowing. i need to deal maybe more with me then him at the moment? i see you guys talk about relate all the time. is this counselling?

OP posts:

Turquoise · 08/01/2006 14:49

Relate website May be worth a try - it sounds like you still have a lot of talking to do.

tribpot · 08/01/2006 14:49

Relate info , gravity.

It certainly sounds like you and he need some form of counselling. If my dh had done what yours has, he wouldn't need counselling he would need reconstructive surgery, if you take my point.

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