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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you made a decision to split

38 replies

gravity · 08/01/2006 13:45

did you still love your partner with all your heart?

But due to too much heart ache and pain through the relationship and the light at the end of the tunnel of happiness was just too far away.

By god, I love my dh, i do. I am just consumed by what happened. It will send us both insane.

OP posts:
Original poster
gravity · 08/01/2006 14:51

that crossed my mind at the time....

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 08/01/2006 14:53

How were you and him getting along at the time? were the girls giving him the sex you wouldn't? I'm sorry.. I just can't understand, my trust would have been totally betrayed. You really must love this man to put up with this.. I appreciate all the things that were going on at the time, but, IMO they are not reasons to screw about behinf your wife/partners back and think it's alright.

glitterfairy · 08/01/2006 14:57

Gravity hun will email you! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. THere is nothing I can say to make it all hurt less as I well know but it will. I am better than I was four months ago.

Counselling is a good idea maybe for him as well to talk about why he has behaved this way. If he is really a good man as you say then he will also be feeling guilty as hell.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster
gravity · 08/01/2006 15:01

i cant help but think this is in a way my own fault, i wish i had of changed my name for this but oh well.....
dh and i have a great sex life, we are very comfortable with each other and have used videos. This was something "special" for us. (It upsets me in seeing he tried to recreate this out of our relationship) I didnt make any videos while pregnant, i found it too personal. but, i honestly thought i kept him happy (both pregnancies turned me into a nympho ) he didnt have intercourse with them but they did alot of other things.

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Original poster
gravity · 08/01/2006 15:01

glitterfairy! dont read my last post!!! oh my god!!! what are you doing here!!!

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Original poster
gravity · 08/01/2006 15:06

silly question - what are you doing here... duh! sorry!! thanks for your support, you have enough drama's sweet heart without worrying about mine! xxxx

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ggglimpopo · 08/01/2006 17:36

Message withdrawn

nooka · 08/01/2006 22:28

Gravity I would also recommend counseling, perhaps on your own (as well as or instead of, or maybe prior to going together)? I certainly found it really helpful after discovering dh's affair. I found it particularly helped me in "leveling out" (those emotion swings are so tiring) and in working through those "who's fault was it" thoughts. I still get mad every now and then, but not uncontrollably so IYSWIM, and I can now see the affair episode as something in the past. Btw I know what you mean about how upsetting having something shared and special spoilt - I think I found it more upsetting seeing dh use a phrase I thought was "mine" than seeing his love poetry to the other woman (although it was pretty dreadful!)

Original poster
gravity · 09/01/2006 10:23

thanks guys. xxxx

i spoke to dh today, tried to explain it again. see how the next few days pan out.

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maturer · 09/01/2006 13:43

gravity-what you are going through is exactly what I (and others in the same situation) went/are going through.
You feel you are goig mad as every moment of your thoughts has a link to what your dh did and you still can't belive he did it as you didn't see it coming- there was nothing major wrong with you as a couple, your sex life was still good, you got on ok, life/work committments got in the way a bit and at times you forgot to think about each other. Also you NEVER believed this man you put all your hear soul and trust into could betray you in this way- it just never occured to you- he's not that type and what you had together was so special. I Know i speak about me and aboput you at the same time- I know where you are at (as you know my dh also had an affair, nearly 2 years ago now)
All I can say is you must keep talking about it you are not going mad-I read somewhere that finding out about an affair is like experiencing siome trauma or disaster- if say you'd been in a major car crash you'd keep playing what happened over in your head, you'd go through the what if's? you'd tell people iver and over again until all the details were clear and it made sense to you. That's what you are experiencing and your dh if he truely wants to make it right again has to listen and try to understand and explain himself- he probably can't understand what he did either.
The only concolation I can give you is that very very slowly you stop thinking about it all the time- you don't burst into tears when you get in the car by yourself and gradually things that remind you- don't hurt quite so much.
I truely feel "face your demons" so talk about it let your dh share your pain- he has to understand it is not pulling you back doing this it is getting it out of your system and helping you put it in context of all the good times you've had together.
2 years on every now and then I still have days of complete disbelief at what he did, when none of it makes sense- most of the times I've made some peace with it- he "lost the plot" had some sort of crisis and I chose to stay by him and work through it together. Now he will bring the subject up when he sees me react to something that he knows links to his affair.
Men would certainly rather never speak of it
again- after all to do what he did- he was aselfish Bas888d!!!!!!!!! and he knows it.
I really found counselling good for me- I kept going by myself for quite some time and my dh went and saw someone. the couples bit we kind of did between ourselves once we'd both got our heads round our emotions.
I understand the complete pain and despair you are feeling- but if you deep down feel your relationship is worth fighting for then keep with it and talk talk talk- if it's getting too much for you both try to set aside a set time when you will talk about this then set aside a time when you go out together and not talk about it if possible. you can get through this if YOU want to- you are not to blame (although I've been through that thinking too- what did I do wrong?etc.....).he did it not you!
email me if you need to talk more - there are lots out there who can help. take care.

Original poster
gravity · 10/01/2006 02:36

thanks maturer - just getting so tired and exhausted from trying..... i get sad when i look at couples out that appear so happy and in love. i feel it was stolen from me. (mind you like dh says how do i know they are really happy??)
xxxxx

OP posts:
Dior · 10/01/2006 08:47

Message withdrawn

Original poster
gravity · 10/01/2006 09:00

thank you dior, support is sometimes more comforting than words - i'm having a better day.... head down bum up trying to stop thinking working away. i'm just an over emotional idiot regularly lately!

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