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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting up with an unhappy relationship

41 replies

CrazyWantsALife · 04/12/2011 14:16

I know my problems are nothing compared to what other people have gone through, but i am so unhappy right now, i just need to get this out before i go mad.

Me and my DP have been together 6 years and have one wonderful DS(5).

Things happened so fast, we got pregnant, bought a house and did it up all in less than one year. We got on with it and have been very happy. Until about last year, all of a sudden he stopped telling me he loved me (i do tell him), He started being extremely snappy with DS, cant tolerate any noise, including talking from him, shouts at him for ridiculous things with a real nastiness in his voice.
He also snaps and lectures me over the smallest things like he really cant stand me.

Anyway cut to the start of last month he has stopped speaking. I have tried to organise little family trips and it was like dragging a grumpy teen around all day, even if its something he likes doing!
He works from home on the PC, when hes finished that its straight onto xbox, he hardly ever engages with us. I have tried to talk but he just turns his back on me and doesnt answer, i even asked him if he wants me to leave, but he started crying and said no.

He wanted sex for the first time in 3 weeks last night, and i couldnt to it, after a whole day of watching him be miserable i just couldnt, and then he started blaming me for us not being happy because i wouldnt do it! Im thinking i should of just forced myself to do it. Hes just got up and is obviously not speaking to me.

Sorry its long thankyou if you have read it, i feel stupid as im in no danger from him and he keeps a roof over our heads but i feel so miserable. Also i have nobody to speak to in RL. is there any way of salvaging a relationship with someone who wont speak?

OP posts:
zippy539 · 04/12/2011 14:19

Sorry Crazy - about to go out so will be brief but could he be suffering from depression. The low sex drive, intolerance, crying, lack of enjoyment in anything - all signs. Be be worth thinking about?

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 14:19

God, what a horrible situation.

How about you, do you work outside the home? I'd want to be away from him, in your position.

Do you think he's having an online affair? When you said he'd stopped saying he loved you and he's online all day with work, I had to wonder.

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 14:20

Yes, it does sound like stress and depression.

Does he have any friends? It doesn't sound like it if he works from home and is on his x-box all night.

chrimblycompo · 04/12/2011 14:23

I think you need to make him talk
Tell him he's tells you wants wrong or it's relationship guidance counselling or you're going to leave

lukewarmMulledWhine · 04/12/2011 14:27

He sounds depressed. Was there anything in particular that happened in his life before he 'changed'?

Original poster
CrazyWantsALife · 04/12/2011 14:42

Thankyou, I did wonder about depression, I think i have heard him crying at other times, I asked him if he needed to talk to someone maybe but honestly i dont get a response! I dont know where to go with that. I want to help but its dragging me down too.

I have job out of the house whilst DS is at school, i have to admit its a relief to get out but all this stress is making me feel constantly ill (IBS) and so im struggling at work now.
He does have friends, a strong group he has known since school, they are not bothered if they dont hear from him in while and i dont think he can really confide in them

He did lose his Nan in March of this year but seemed to come to terms with it. Plus hes been like this longer. He never asks how my family are, how my days been or anything. Dont know about an affair, i dont think he could be bothered!

Im watching him now sitting next to DS on the sofa, DS is chatting and DP is just ignoring him. Its breaking my heart! Is it possible he could pull himself through if it is depression or do i need to force the issue?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 14:42

Does he get out of the house at all? To socialise he needs interests outside the home if he works in it, communicating with others other than just you. Sounds like he has lost all his social skills. Tell him sex starts a long time outside the bedroom and if he wasn't so miserable out ofit and talked to you you would be more than happy to have sex with him, but as he makes you feel like shit you just cannot switch on to a grumpy bastard.

ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 14:58

I would be very hard on someone who didn't respond to a child. Why not send your son upstairs to fetch something for you and then say to your husband that if he doesn't speak and speak nicely to your son, then you will leave him. Simple as that. When your son comes back into the room, leave the room, but leave the door open so you can see if he's taken any notice.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 04/12/2011 17:58

As others have said, it sounds as if he's clinically depressed.
I think you need to broach the issue carefully and clearly - and you need time to talk about this properly: in detail and with time to properly explain to him why it looks like he needs consistent outside help.
I think you do need to force the issue - carefully - because he doesn't seem to be aware of it, and probably won't welcome you telling him how he seems.
Can you sit with him alone, over a quiet meal or glass of wine (if alcohol won't make him more irritable) and try and explore options.
It sounds as if ADs might actaully help him kick-start himself in the short term.

tallwivglasses · 04/12/2011 18:28

Crazy, this sounds awful and you sound so lovely and caring. I would have lost my patience and yelled at him long ago. Don't feel guilty about the sex thing. How on earth can he expect you to suddenly get amorous when he ignores you?

This is horrible for your son too. How long do you think you can both put up with this? Tell him straight - and don't soften even if he cries: he needs to understand he's breaking your heart and damaging his child Sad

thatboysmum · 04/12/2011 20:46

If he is depressed he will probably need some sort of shove in the right direction. People often don't like to consider/admit to being depressed and he could need a wake up call to realise he needs to do something about it.
I think you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about it, ask him how he's feeling, what he's thinking etc, make him understand that you will be there to support him when he needs you but you are not happy with the situation and something needs to happen before you give up.
Its not fair on you or your child to live with this behaviour, you can only have so much sympathy for someone before it gets to be too much, especially when they won't do anything to help themselves.

lukewarmMulledWhine · 04/12/2011 20:57

If someone is clinically depressed, they are unlikely to be able to help themselves really. You need to try to get him to talk to his GP as a first step, for ADs and counselling. But there are ways to broach the subject, and ways definitely not to! Ultimatums are unlikely to work, and he may not readily admit to not feeling 'normal'.

You could try posting on the mental health board for more advice, and ideas of organisations you could contact who will be able to support you (and help you to support him).

AnyFucker · 04/12/2011 21:03

Something has to change here

This will be affecting your dc

If your H won't seek help, then I suggest you remove yourself and dc from this awful situation

Even though I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here, and assuming some mental health crisis, it is just as likely he has been cheating and subsequently distancing himself from you and dc in order to justify it

either way, this is not healthy, and I would not tolerate anyone treating my dc like this

only by you bringing this to a head and making it completely clear you will no longer live like this, will anything change

Proudnscary · 04/12/2011 21:05

^

zippy539 · 04/12/2011 21:13

Assuming your dh is depressed then you might want to take a look at this site. It's bloody hard dealing with a partner's depression and resources aimed at the non-depressed (yet!) partner are few and far between. It might answer some questions if nothing else. Obv don't rule out the affair option but the crying screams depression to me - most men simply don't cry unless something HUGE is going on (though maybe they should).

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 04/12/2011 21:45

Is this the first death of a close relative he has experienced? Being depressed is part of grieving, but people can get stuck. ADs can help, they take 3-4 weeks to kick in, but are often v effective, and only a short course needed.

I have bi-polar and was severely depressed for 6 months after she died - but I knew I was depressed. When some people are depressed they don't realise it , because they know everything is crappy and think they are reacting to it, instead of realising that everything seems crappy because of their condition. (I hope that makes some sort of sense!)

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 04/12/2011 21:45

she=MIL

zippy539 · 04/12/2011 21:46

Sorry - should have posted this page first - it explains the ethos behind the site. You can decide whether it will be helpful for you or not www.depressionfallout.com/whatisdf.php

zippy539 · 04/12/2011 21:48

Rudolph - that was beautifully put.

Original poster
CrazyWantsALife · 04/12/2011 22:39

Thankyou to everyone for your support, i dont feel so alone, i dont know who to speak to in RL, I dont want to worry anyone. I have taken all your ideas on board, and have informed him that we are sitting down to talk when DS has gone to bed tomorrow evening. He said he doesnt know if hes got the energy.

Thats what scares me zippy, with the crying thing, I have never known it, He has always been strong and positive. Its like something has broken him, or like suggested, hes finding his smiles elsewhere :( . Thankyou for the link im going to have a good read now.

I cling onto every bit of hope, he suddenly went to the kitchen earlier and made us a wonderful homemade dinner from scratch, i started to think its all going to be ok, until he sat at the table with a scowl and only spoke to tell DS he was eating too noisily. My efforts to jolly things up were ignored by DP, but at least DS enjoyed himself. He does adore his Daddy, and doesnt seem to take things to heart he carries on chattering away to him regardless.

Thankyou for sharing rudolph, his nan was the first close person he has lost. He talked about her for the first few months though and looked at photos and her paintings, i miss her too, i would be fully supportive, i wish he would tell me if it is that.

I hope im strong enough to get us through this. I have seen my grandads depression (refused any treatment) ruin his own and my grans life, she now has dementia and all she can remember about her life is the absolute struggle she had with him. We are only in our late 20s i am so frightend to end up like that.
Heres hoping we get somewhere tomorrow.

OP posts:
zippy539 · 04/12/2011 23:07

Crazy - your last post about dinner describes my dh to a t (tee?) when he's going though a bad patch. It's bloody horrible. We're still in the process of trying to get meds sorted etc - it takes time and there's no quick fix but if your dh can begin to see that he's got a problem then you'll be on the right road. Depression is such a fucker of an illness - as you well know from your grandad - hopefully this time you can buck family history and come out of this stronger than ever. Please keep posting with updates -really hoping you can get him to talk/ get help.

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 00:18

can I call you Life?

He may well not realise he is still grieving his nan.

My gmother died when I was 17, it was my first close person, and I was distraught at the funeral. She was the eldest of a large family, and in her 80's, so the funeral was attending by several of her sisters. I was shocked when the wake became a jolly reminiscence session, I am older and wiser now Confused

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 00:19

ps I am 'nose' from EA

perfumedlife · 05/12/2011 03:00

All of the above advice may be spot on and I know nothing about depression but I will say that what jumped out at me from your op was his constant use of the PC/Xbox. Is it possible that he is addicted to online gaming and has totally withdrawn for that reason? He works from home so does he have time to finish work and then play on PC?

Just a thought.

Barreal · 05/12/2011 03:41

Perfumed
I thought that, too.
I wonder just how relationships and families have changed for those who fall into the gaming trap. I'm sure there will be plenty of studies in the future on this changing face of family life. I'm a teacher in Japan and 90% of the kids 'game' in their free time.
It makes me wonder why it's worth having kids these days, if this is what they wind up doing.

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