Putting up with an unhappy relationship

[CrazyWantsALife]

I know my problems are nothing compared to what other people have gone through, but i am so unhappy right now, i just need to get this out before i go mad.

Me and my DP have been together 6 years and have one wonderful DS(5).

Things happened so fast, we got pregnant, bought a house and did it up all in less than one year. We got on with it and have been very happy. Until about last year, all of a sudden he stopped telling me he loved me (i do tell him), He started being extremely snappy with DS, cant tolerate any noise, including talking from him, shouts at him for ridiculous things with a real nastiness in his voice.
He also snaps and lectures me over the smallest things like he really cant stand me.

Anyway cut to the start of last month he has stopped speaking. I have tried to organise little family trips and it was like dragging a grumpy teen around all day, even if its something he likes doing!
He works from home on the PC, when hes finished that its straight onto xbox, he hardly ever engages with us. I have tried to talk but he just turns his back on me and doesnt answer, i even asked him if he wants me to leave, but he started crying and said no.

He wanted sex for the first time in 3 weeks last night, and i couldnt to it, after a whole day of watching him be miserable i just couldnt, and then he started blaming me for us not being happy because i wouldnt do it! Im thinking i should of just forced myself to do it. Hes just got up and is obviously not speaking to me.

Sorry its long thankyou if you have read it, i feel stupid as im in no danger from him and he keeps a roof over our heads but i feel so miserable. Also i have nobody to speak to in RL. is there any way of salvaging a relationship with someone who wont speak?

I would suggest deciding for yourself that there is a time limit on how much of this you are going to put up with, and if all your careful, kind efforts to get your H some help do not work, then you need to move towards getting rid of him. Because neither your life nor your DS's should be sacrificed to tiptoeing round a moody unpleasant miserable man indefinitely.

stbx played games instead of working. For a decade and more very long time (for some reason it's me that's ashamed of that).

you really shouldn't be, nose

I know that AF. And when stbx is ex, I suspect I won't be ashamed any more!

As perfumedlife has said, it also seems to me that he has an addiction to gaming which may be his way of escaping from feelings of grief and despair.

If you want to talk to him, I suggest you make sure his xbox is not in operation at the time. Presumably these machines malfunction on occasion if immersed in water?

OP - did you manage to have a chat? Are things any clearer?

Quick update, thankyou for asking zippy i hope you are ok, first time ive been on my computer for a few days!

So i did get him to sit down with no xbox distractions, and for the first 30 minutes he was blaming me for everything, bringing up the night i said felt like leaving (because i had found him watching porn in the mornings with our newborn downstairs in same room). Went on for a bit then suddenly broke down and said he knows he is depressed, he crys during the day, and has been making the 2 hour round trip to his Nans grave regularly whilst im at work!! And i think you were all right he admitted to having a problem with the gaming.
I did not get any answers as to why he treats our son like he does. He does not answer.
I suggested going to his gp but he is having none of it, dont really know what to do about that. His mood has lifted slightly, but he is still strangely short tempered and disinterested in DS, I just dont understand it!

Hi Crazy - it's great you had the chat and that he opened up a bit. IMO the gaming and being short-tempered with DS is all part of the depressed package unfortunately.

I think it might be time for an ultimatum given how this is impacting on your family life. Can you tell him that you love him and you'll support him totally but on condition that he gets some help/goes to the doc because otherwise the situation is unsustainable for you all as a family. Unfortunately not all doctors are brilliant at handling this kind of thing but it would be a start for him to admit to the problem to a professional. Do you think he would agree?

Thanks for the update - I've been thinking about you! :)

Nothing has changed then ?

Meant to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel IF HE GETS HELP. We went out for dinner tonight with the dcs and DH was fab with them - just like the best kind of Dad should be. We're not at the end of the tunnel yet but the good days are now far outnumbering the bad and it's like getting back the man I married. Hopefully your dh will respond to help and you'll get him back too. Please keep posting - I know how shit this whole thing is.

He's very depressed in real life so the xbox gaming is just an escape from that, probably nothing more. He needs professional help but he also needs support at home.

You probably had "in sickness and in health" or something similar in your wedding vows? Well, this is the "in sickness" bit.

He may be clinically depressed, a good place to start is getting him to his GP. You may have to do a lot of hand holding for a bit but it will be worth it - the man you married is still in there.

I've thought of you too - all the best to you and your family.

Without medical intervention i.e medication he may well get worse. I have suffered for seven years with depression, had two mental breakdowns and episodes of desolation whereby I wanted to die, that death was preferable to living. The last three years of my life I found myself hiding at home not venturing out other than to walk the dog, I put on two stone, sat at the computer all day.

I changed my medication, I started taking anti-psychotics, last year, this year in June I got a full time 40 hour a week job. I haven't cried with depression for over six months.

I actualy have a shit life, no friends at all no family, kids not at home anymore.

But, I laugh a lot, I sing to myself, work is my social life.

Things can get better but without medical intervention I don't think its possible and the future gets bleaker.

Make it an ultimatum, get help or fuck off. Your son deserves better.

Fabby - that's so inspiring. Do you mind if I ask whether you were on regular AD's before you switched or were the anti-psychotics as a result of a different diagnosis? It's such a struggle getting the right meds - and the right one's make such a difference. It drives me nuts that so many GPs don't have much of a handle on this issue. I love it that you laugh a lot and sing to yourself. I think a lot of (non depressed) folk would benefit from some of the same. Me included. I'm going to start laughing and singing from tomorrow. :)

ADs don't work for everyone, or for everything, and they can have awful side-effects. They didn't work for me - but counselling did. And I don't mean six sessions of CBT, but a proper stint of counselling (no offence CBT people, but really ...). Bereavement counselling might be a good place to start, you know?

You sometimes have to keep trying different ADs to find one that suits. for me its paroxatine 20 mg and I don't have side effects. I am naturally slightly down, they keep me level. With your DH it is more likely the GP will prescribe a short course so that your DH can get well enough to deal with the things that are depressing him - including bereavement counselling as Flanelle suggests.