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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alone on Christmas Day - yikes

39 replies

springydaffs · 04/12/2011 14:05

don't anybody feel sorry for me eh I've fallen out with my poisonous stately homes family, and my kids have fallen out with me. Which is gut-wrenching but there we are, have to get on with it. The two are linked btw, the former precipitated by the latter (have i got that right? the kids cut me off, I cut my family off). It is likely my kids will spend the day with aforementioned toxic family.

I've often fantasised about being on my own, doing my own thing, on Christmas day and part of me is really looking forward to it, relishes the idea. But part of me doesn't, of course, and I'm worried I'll fall down a hole. I've volunteered for a charity thing for the homeless over christmas - always wanted to do that and really looking forward to it (already volunteer regularly at a homeless cafe so I know what to expect) - but christmas day is full aparently, all the volunteers they need; I am first on the reserve list so I may well get called up. I do hope so - I'd far rather spend my day, any day, with them than my family.

I've had a few invites but I don't really relish being with other peoples' families on the day - bit awkward? Or is that me and the stigma of it all? Plus I'm a bit broken-hearted here and don't want to end up blubbing. do I blub at home or do I brave it and risk blubbing at other peoples houses, over other peoples families

I'm also wondering about eg decorations, food. I don't want to be sitting there eating a blasted turkey on my own - the whole point of all that, the huge turkey in the middle of the (lavishly decorated) table with all the trimmings is for other people - it's just a lovely meal to have with loved ones, yes? And no I don't want to buy a turkey breast and cobble it all together - too bleak. I always get a vast tree, rearrange the room, bedeck the thing, looks lovely even if I say so myself - nobody has a better tree [official]. There are so many memories to all the tree decorations - do I risk getting them out or do I do a different tree, or no tree. Just thinking aloud.

Plus - and I don't want to tear at heart strings here - I've got a stack of presents that look like they're not going anywhere. Do I wrap them and deliver them to my revolting family? I can't take most of them back because I bought them in unusual, far flung places. I'm at 6s and 7s here, it's all a bit awkward tbh. The MN jury will no doubt want to hear all the details but they're painful (particularly re the kids) and pretty final I'd say: my kids don't want to know, period, and have made that abundantly clear. Plus last year was dreadful, really bad, and I was anyway planning to set some boundaries this year - I didn't actually want them in my house as they have become very abusive. I don't know if we could have christmas lunch somewhere public (though everything is probably booked up by now?) - less chance of a meltdown in public. Though I may be at the volunteering thing and anyway my children have made their choices, i have to let them go. I should just look into it shouldn't I, see if anywhere is available. As a complete aside, it would be great not to cook it all myself and have a leisurely day for the first time in decades.

Anybody else on their own/been on their own in the past? any tips? I'm sure a lot of people who have to endure unendurable christmas days with horrid people will envy me, but it's a bit different when it's a reality tbh.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 14:17

Do you know for certain that your children won't be with you? It sounds at first as though they won't be, then you say maybe you could go out with them.

Who was abusive last Christmas?

How old are your children?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/12/2011 14:23

No helpful suggestions have come to me yet, partly because I am terrified of ending up in a similar position at some point, though for different reasons, & can't think straight about it.
Sending hugs instead.

PippiLongBottom · 04/12/2011 14:23

No advice but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that things are shit and I hope that you have a lovely Christmas in whichever way you decide to spend it.

whatisthislump · 04/12/2011 14:25

Ok, Hang on.

I´ve done this been on my todd for christmases. it was far and away the busy christmas day I had.

Short on time but heres some highlights

Had a load of friends with no family = 10pound christmas and secrete santa (everyone brough one plate of food) was hilarious Had chinese, india, british tradtional food it was simply wonderful

Presents that year went to the local church / hospice

I also borrowed a family one year. Friends of friends had had a tough year (fire, no insurance) so I did christmas for them you have never seen such smiles from kids and adults that have lost everything for one day a year they got to dream again!

I have borrowed kids, God Daughter and God Son techincally(don´t borrow strangers kids you get in trouble for that) Their mum was in hospital and there was no one else to have the kids so I did (tree went up after bed time on christmas eve)

I´ve also been away for christmas and beed at work on my todd for christmas(boy friend at the time was livid, as he had been calling home all day to wish me christmas, could not get hold of me so called my work number as I used to divert that)

Think out side of the box, and you can do anything.

whatisthislump · 04/12/2011 14:26

Been not BEED! DUH

WTFlike · 04/12/2011 14:27

It's just another day. Get something nice in to eat and watch telly. No need for drama.

babyhammock · 04/12/2011 15:08

I've spent a few on my own when ex just didn't turn up ...

You can eat when you want (something yummy and easy from M&S), get up when you want and watch whatever crap tele you want..

So sorry its turned out this way but I think you should have a me me me day this year x

MardyArsedMidlander · 04/12/2011 15:24

I will be in the same position- split up with partner, unbelievably toxic family who cut me off years ago, and I don't drive!

I am going to buy a boxset and settle down with the cats and spoil myself rotten.

candytuft63 · 04/12/2011 15:26

I have spent loads of christmasses on my own, due to shitty circumstances. Its only one day. Buy in some tasty treats, whatever you like. My favourite was the oriental platter from asda. And a bottle of Baileys. At least i only had myself to please, no rows or anything.The whole happy family thing is a marketing ploy by advertisment agencies. Not reality at all for everyone, unfortunately.

Theas18 · 04/12/2011 15:31

Volunteer somewhere during the day, where your company will be appreciated- old folks home, Open Christmas etc. give a day to someone who needs and will value it- heck take that stack of unwanted pressies and be Santa !

Then curl up with what you want on the tv, what you want to eat and a little alcohol and revel in feeling bloody good about yourself !

venusandChristMARS · 04/12/2011 15:36

One year I went to my friend's house and we had the 'sad' people's Christmas day: for me it was the first Christmas without my dcs (they went to xh that year), my friends had just found out that they couldn't have children, another friend had just split with her husband, and another friend was long-term single and with toxic family. It was a great Christmas day - nothing false, no-one pretending to be happy if they didn't feel it.

Another year, I spend christmas day on my own, but I'd invited lots of friends round for Boxing day. So I spent Chrismas day eating little treats for myself and preparing for the next day. On boxing day, most of my friends turned up looking frazzled after having had an awful day on Christmas!

browneyesblue · 04/12/2011 15:41

I have also volunteered at a shelter over the Christmas period, and although I wasn't originally planning to volunteer for Christmas day, I ended up doing so as other people's plans had changed, so you never know, you might be needed.

If not, spoil yourself a bit by getting some treats in and relaxing with a good film/book/glass of wine. Bliss.

chrimblycompo · 04/12/2011 15:44

I know it sounds patronising but my ideal Xmas day if I didn't have to endure the family would be
On Xmas eve ordered huge Chinese takeaway
Eat leftovers on Xmas day with cava , watch all the Xmas telly in peace ( it's shameful but my highlight is Xmas eastenders and it's just not the same with mil rabbiting all the way through it and fil snoring)
I hate the expectation to be happy & jolly all day and would sit on sofa in pjs with hot water bottle

If I went stir crazy id go to for a walk to see the Xmas lights but I'd studiously avoid eye contact with people in case they asked what I was doing

For me the worst thing would be people asking what I was doing & then pity looks

chrimblycompo · 04/12/2011 15:45

If I could afford it I'd get a hotel room and do all the above in comfort!

suburbophobe · 04/12/2011 15:57

If I could afford it get a last-minute to a hotter climate for a week.

springydaffs · 05/12/2011 07:23

aw can't afford much this year and wouldn't want to go to a hotel/away anyway - all those pitying looks, I'd stick out like a sore thumb! I'd rather curl up at home. There is a huge amount of pressure on this day isn't there? Jolly, happy, loving families - bleurgh. I do hope I get the volunteering work as I need to be busy, not thinking about my kids with my horrid family.

thanks for support and suggestions - yo to those who are going to be on their own this year. I do't know anyone who doesn't have a fmily they don't spend christmas with. I've had a few unusual christmases where I've invited people who are stranded - but the family didn't like it much. Perhaps I should get Richard Curtis to drum up a totally unrealistic fuzzy round the edges Christmas with lots of waifs and strays bedding down together (not literally!). or maybe I'm cynical - you seem to have had some Richard Curtis Christmases whatisthis.

I'll certainly keep my eye out for opportunities eg old peoples homes etc and have a look at who could get the presents - a lot of it is fripperies that wouldn't be much use to homeless people (coathangers??).

imperial - I didn't actually want them in my house as they have become very abusive, 20s, they are travelling to the place me and my family live. I found this out purely by chance Sad

I'm still torn between really looking forward to it.. and not Confused

OP posts:
FionaBruise · 05/12/2011 18:58

I took a eurostar to paris and spent a couple of nights in a cheap hotel once when I'd just split up with a chap. It was well cheap and low level fun. The first few hours were a bit weird and I kind of had to get used to my own inner voice. Just spent a couple of days wondering around a very quiet paris and pigging out in nice cafes. felt quite empowering. was definitely preferable to being adopted by some other family for the day when I wasn't sure how I'd feel but definitely didn't want to feel like a spare part.
make the most of it ; am sure you'll be fine.

FionaBruise · 05/12/2011 18:59

sorry daffs didnt see that you didnt want to go away couldnt afford to go away. forget my stupid paris reminiscence!! am sure you'll have a good time. hope some voluntary stuff does come up for you.

Spidermama · 05/12/2011 19:11

Daffs sorry you're in this situation and know it must have been pretty painful along the way.

I would definitely deliver the presents you have bought them, even if you just leave them on the doorstep or get a friend to deliver them for you. You don't want those hanging around and it would probably feel worse to withhold them.

Accept you will probably have a good old cry on the day and hope it will be a cathartic one. Get your favourite films in and a good meal. Or maybe decide on a job to do which will enhance your life afterwards like a bit of decorating. Is there a cupboard or a room which needs decluttering. You could set yourself a difficult task you have been putting off and resolve to do it on Christmas day but it has to be something which will make your life better, or your home nicer for YOU.

It's good that you've had offers from friends. Maybe you could say to them, 'can I play it by ear as I don't kinow how I'll feel'. That way you have a safety net in case of meltdown but you are not under any pressure to go.

Spidermama · 05/12/2011 19:14

Oh ... and try not to think of what you are supposed to do on Christmas day and what everyone else is doing. Not helpful!

BibiBlocksberg · 05/12/2011 19:19

Me too, this will be my second Christmas on my own and surprisingly, I'm not dreading it at all.

This year I'm thinking that Christmas is really just a long weekend and we can all cope with those I think.

Rebelling in the sheer selfishness and joy of being able to please yourself is key I find.

I figure there will be many more christmasses where I might not be able to call all the shots (and drink all the baileys :)) so am happy to make the most of it for now.

We should all be on here during Christmas (members of this thread I mean) to support each other, creasing ourselves at all the horrible gift threads and aunt Bessie roasties bun fights and consider ourselves very fortunate not to have to be part of that for a while :)

LittleWarmHouse · 05/12/2011 22:37

My second year on my own too. Last year I was sad and stressed that my teenage DC were living with my Ex and I was alone alone all alone Xmas Sad . But in fact I saw them all on Christmas Eve, went to church with them and fed them supper. Then they cleared off and I watched TV, went to bed tipsy and had a lovely breakfast in bed with a Christmas stocking Santa brought full of treats. I had a tiny tree all dressed in blue baubles with blue lights. And champagne Xmas Smile

Later on I gritted my teeth and went over and helped my DDs cook the Christmas meal and Ex and I had a figurative truce in No Man's Land for a few hours for the DC sake.

How much things change in a year! I love my own company, and my Little House. I will happily do the same again this year for the DC sake but I won't feel alone.

springydaffs you are in charge of how you proceed. Have a big tree if you want one, or go japanese and have a decorated branch, or just ignore the whole thing! It's your home and you get to choose!

PengPeng · 05/12/2011 23:40

Sonds like you're not really ok with it. Can you invite a bunch of friends for any part of Christmas? So even if it might not be xmas day, if you have people over on boxing day, you've got something to look forward to.

Are you sure bridges with your DC are as burnt as you seem to think they are? You don't say how old they are, so I assume they're well into adult age, but still, don't give up on them so easily!

Do avoid toxic family though. Can you give the presents to someone else / keep for birthdays?

Heleninahandcart · 06/12/2011 00:27

Planning might be the key here. If you are going to be entirely on your own then make sure you sort out all your treats for yourself, an entire selection of nibbles, you can have nibbles for lunch if you want to, your favourite DVDs lined up, and make sure you have treated yourself to a nice present, all wrapped up way before. Then get cosy and enjoy the peace.

As for the tree and anything else, do as you feel. If you think you might be lonely, I would avoid anything that might set you off. If you do decide to go and visit someone, you will probably find you can't wait to get back home :)

springydaffs · 06/12/2011 00:47

Or maybe decide on a job to do which will enhance your life afterwards like a bit of decorating

oh spider that did make me LAFF! That's what I do all the time, am ms busy bee, so that wouldn't be much of a break - in fact, I noticed that whenever I had free time I'd do something like this, which meant I never really got a break! But I appreciate the sentiment Grin

I know I'm being silly, but I'm a bit paranoid about the neighbours. Never am - never! - but this has got me feeling very self-conscious. Hence I wouldn't want to be drilling etc, don't want anyone to know I'm lonesome ownsome sans my own children ffs. Daft. I can't be skulking in my own house (spot the Richard Curtis terminology) though can I?

still not sure about the presents. They'll (family) probably have got some for me, though whether they'll get to me is another matter. I didn't cut them off in a strop, more of a boundary situation tbh (and I know for a plain fact they won't be responding in a positive way to that). I've also got all my stocking presents, which I give to the kids to wrap when they arrive (astonishingly good presents I must say). ho hum. Doubt I'll get any presents from the kids. Yes it is as final as it sounds, though I was thinking about a lunch somewhere with them because I can't get my head around that they really are doing this, that this really is happening..

Decided I'm not going to get the decs out. They're in the loft anyway and there's no way I could get up there and bring down a big box - that was the job of one of the 6ft+ ds'. I've got ideas of having a major clearout and doing something completely different, though I can't imagine not having a Proper Tree.

yes we'll have to get together on here on the day, us christmas loners Wink

and yes peng I am v wobbly about this ( I assure you, this isn't my choice). Though since the last one left home I enjoy my time here tremendously, I really have such a fab time I often skip and dance aobut I'm enjoying myself so much. After all those SP years, the hard hard work of it. I'm so looking forward to a day of slobbing about I could be sick. It's just the circs that are threatening to wrench my heart and guts clean out my chest.

OP posts: