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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alone on Christmas Day - yikes

39 replies

springydaffs · 04/12/2011 14:05

don't anybody feel sorry for me eh I've fallen out with my poisonous stately homes family, and my kids have fallen out with me. Which is gut-wrenching but there we are, have to get on with it. The two are linked btw, the former precipitated by the latter (have i got that right? the kids cut me off, I cut my family off). It is likely my kids will spend the day with aforementioned toxic family.

I've often fantasised about being on my own, doing my own thing, on Christmas day and part of me is really looking forward to it, relishes the idea. But part of me doesn't, of course, and I'm worried I'll fall down a hole. I've volunteered for a charity thing for the homeless over christmas - always wanted to do that and really looking forward to it (already volunteer regularly at a homeless cafe so I know what to expect) - but christmas day is full aparently, all the volunteers they need; I am first on the reserve list so I may well get called up. I do hope so - I'd far rather spend my day, any day, with them than my family.

I've had a few invites but I don't really relish being with other peoples' families on the day - bit awkward? Or is that me and the stigma of it all? Plus I'm a bit broken-hearted here and don't want to end up blubbing. do I blub at home or do I brave it and risk blubbing at other peoples houses, over other peoples families

I'm also wondering about eg decorations, food. I don't want to be sitting there eating a blasted turkey on my own - the whole point of all that, the huge turkey in the middle of the (lavishly decorated) table with all the trimmings is for other people - it's just a lovely meal to have with loved ones, yes? And no I don't want to buy a turkey breast and cobble it all together - too bleak. I always get a vast tree, rearrange the room, bedeck the thing, looks lovely even if I say so myself - nobody has a better tree [official]. There are so many memories to all the tree decorations - do I risk getting them out or do I do a different tree, or no tree. Just thinking aloud.

Plus - and I don't want to tear at heart strings here - I've got a stack of presents that look like they're not going anywhere. Do I wrap them and deliver them to my revolting family? I can't take most of them back because I bought them in unusual, far flung places. I'm at 6s and 7s here, it's all a bit awkward tbh. The MN jury will no doubt want to hear all the details but they're painful (particularly re the kids) and pretty final I'd say: my kids don't want to know, period, and have made that abundantly clear. Plus last year was dreadful, really bad, and I was anyway planning to set some boundaries this year - I didn't actually want them in my house as they have become very abusive. I don't know if we could have christmas lunch somewhere public (though everything is probably booked up by now?) - less chance of a meltdown in public. Though I may be at the volunteering thing and anyway my children have made their choices, i have to let them go. I should just look into it shouldn't I, see if anywhere is available. As a complete aside, it would be great not to cook it all myself and have a leisurely day for the first time in decades.

Anybody else on their own/been on their own in the past? any tips? I'm sure a lot of people who have to endure unendurable christmas days with horrid people will envy me, but it's a bit different when it's a reality tbh.

OP posts:
FreyaoftheNorth · 06/12/2011 02:18

I've spent several Christmases on my own (or just with pets)... Whilst I'd love most of all to spend Christmas with people I really like - and who also enjoy Christmas - I'd far rather be on my own than with difficult family members, especially as I don't drive and would have no way of leaving early if necessary. I have this habit of mostly making friends with people from rather functional families, so mates tend to go off to their parents instead.

It probably helps that I love the cooking side of it and I usually make myself a miniature Christmas dinner: small roast chicken, Yorkshire puddings, veg etc etc. And I also really enjoy Christmas TV and music, and love having my own choice of it. A couple of times I have gone to church carol services as well. Some years I slob out, others I dress up. I just think of what I would want to do if I was doing Christmas for a few friends and / or just the relatives I get on with, and do everything from that which it's possible to do on my own :)
I absolutely relish these Christmases to myself because for once the world has stopped, everything has closed, and there are no expectations of me. I feel more relaxed than at almost any other time all year. And contrary creature that I am, that makes me want to do so much.

The only downside is that I sometimes find it embarrassing to tell people IRL whom I don't know very well about my solo Christmases. Though I haven't found that this year, come to think of it.

tigermoll · 06/12/2011 10:12

I had a christmas by myself, and it was LOVELY, - one of my favourite ever, if that doesn't make me sound too BahHumbug.

I whacked up the heating, got a bottle of lovely fizz, put on glamorous PJs and lay around watching telly. I went for a walk at one point, - the city was beautifully empty and frosty, and kind of serene and magical. It felt very lucky and strange.

I didn't bother much with cooking, - I had a selection of gorgeous party foods that I stuck in the oven at various points. It was honestly one of my happiest days.

Its not that I don't like christmas, - but it is a tremendous effort, and requires a huge amount of energy, physical and emotional. At that point in my life, I was so relieved to have a day when I could utterly please myself and nothing was expected of me.

Hedgerow7 · 06/12/2011 13:34

I hope you manage to have a great day whatever you decide to do.

I just wanted to say that I was in Superdrug yesterday and over the speaker thing they were asking for presents for people struggling and going without. I am pretty sure it was Superdrug. You could really make some people's day if you do need to get rid of your presents.

barbarianoftheuniverse · 06/12/2011 13:50

Hand over presents. Get them out the house.
Don't believe the advertisiing!
Books.
Warmth.
Alcohol.
Walk the invisible dog (the one that doesn't poo).
Write to dcs and tell them you love them (I think you probably do).

cumbria81 · 06/12/2011 15:23

I've been alone on Christmas day before for various reasons and I actually prefer it. I go for a bike ride, watch some tv, eat chocolate. It's just a day like any other.

springydaffs · 06/12/2011 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 06/12/2011 16:39

that should read 'irresponsible, big-shot and abusive behaviour'

OP posts:
Sloobreeus · 09/12/2011 21:23

If anyone is in the Edinburgh area and feeling alone, pm me.

Dozer · 09/12/2011 21:42

Springy, are you the poster with the problem with your daughter? She felt you were difficult and vice versa? If so, sorry that problem has got worse and that there are now also probs with your other dc. Hope the next few weeks are ok for you.

springydaffs · 10/12/2011 12:18

I probably did post previously about my dd dozer. and yes the others have piled in, which is pretty bleak. I'm working through it, fine tooth comb over stuff (not the first time). Booked some counselling, reading for england LOL - you do your best eh. yesterday was grim but ok today - day at a time. thanks for your support.

thinking about doing a completely different 'tree' of some kind (particularly as the trees I usually buy are £40+ I notice Shock ) but want something natural. I've been eyeing up overgrown trees and wondering if I can lop off some branches...

OP posts:
TooMuchCaffeine · 10/12/2011 15:54

Hi, I too have a toxic family. They are selfish unsupportive and critical of me and have made plans to have Christmas together. I am having it here just me, DH, DS as we always do. Sometimes when I see other families all piling in together it makes me feel quite sad for what I don't have, then I think about the alternative - having to pretend you are OK with spending Christmas with people you don't like - that's worse.

Use the time to do things you love - eat whatever food you fancy, watch the films you want to and plan 2012. Indulge yourself. Have a clear out. I'd put those unopened pressies on Ebay and try and recoup some of your expense, or save them until you have someone more deserving to give them too. Before I got married I had spent Christmas Day on my own before, and it was fine - I loved it. Don't get sucked in to the glossy hyped up TV image of happy smiley families together on Christmas Day and feel that you are missing something for being on your own - there are all sorts of ways to spend that day - and when all is said and done, it really is just another day.
Good luck Smile

joblot · 16/12/2011 19:09

one of the hardest things is people asking what you are doing for xmas and then looking shocked and then pitying.

i want to be cheery but instead im miserable and fed up of explaining why im alone

BibiBlocksberg · 16/12/2011 20:20

Oh yes joblot, the shocked faces and then the pity, gets on my wick too. I can't fathom why people have started doing it this year. Last year I'd just split with ex two weeks before Christmas and no one batted an eyelid when I said it's just me on my own but this year they're out in force.

Mind you, i do insist on saying it's just me and the cats so maybe that's what gets people's pity-o-meter going :)

I have had an invitation for Christmas day this year but find myself actually wanting to just be by myself, spoiling myself and the kitties which has surprised and kind of empowered me some more tbh.

Seeing friends right up to Christmas day so that's nice but think I'm just too 'selfish' now to give up my cosy pyjama/baileys/nice food party :)

Love the fact that during those few days there is nowhere i have to be and nothing I absolutely have to do - ultimate relaxation for me.

Busy choosing my Christmas present to myself atm - well, I have been very good this year Grin

Just think of all the people who (sadly) are obligated to spend time with people they can't stand/plain don't like at Christmas, not to mention all the stress of present buying, cooking etc etc and just smile to yourselves when the 'pityers' have turned their back.

They mean well but many of them will never know the happiness that can be had knowing you can spend time with just yourself and actually like it.

joblot · 16/12/2011 21:52

yes bibi youre right- i know theres major doses of hypocrisy about, but some people do enjoy it. i think. my mate tonight tried to persuade me to go to paris for a few days-my idea- i think i might. just me, for me

ex is not letting me see stepson and thats hard

on the bright side, i relish answering the 'have you had a nice xmas?' with a no- really fucks people off

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