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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How dare he?!

48 replies

witherhills · 04/12/2011 11:30

Ffs
Posted last week about him spending 3k on a night out, he's just had a go at me for drinking "the good wine"
And how dare my mum drink half a bottle if £12.99 red, when she is looking after our son for 4 nights, who does she think she is?

DS been vomiting, I asked him to sit with him while I cleaned up, "can you order me a taxi please"
No, wait with our son, then you can go out, your friends can wait, he wants to go to the butchers, his friends are coming for lunch.
And apparently it's me that's being weird.

OP posts:

planetpotty · 04/12/2011 22:37

Been lurking - patience not gone here
Don't take it to heart it's MN that's all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 22:41

Look, OP, I am sure you will find some posters who will hold your hand while you stay in a relationship which is bad for you, and bad for your DC

being a martyr on here, as you are being in RL, will keep you there

in your situation, the only plans to make for the NY are ones that don't include him, or involve positive steps to get away from him

getting shirty with people you don't know is mis directed

"sounding off" lets you get out the anger....but doesn't change his behaviour in any way, and in fact reinforces to him he can do as he pleases and you won't react

take your anger out on the one who deserves it

clue: it's not you, and it's not us

HoudiniHissy · 04/12/2011 22:47

What she said ^^

let the fucker go, hell report the shit to Immigration! You will never look back!

LittleWarmHouse · 04/12/2011 22:47

hey wither calm down.

We are here supporting you and some are perhaps pointing out the ways in which you are sabotaging yourself and the mixed message you are giving over whether you want to stay (and have nice wine with old friends) or leave this entitled and selfish man.

Have you had a look at the links on the Abuse Support Thread?

You might find some of it helpful in sorting out what you think. There isn't any time scale that you have to follow. Just keep testing against Reality and don't put up with poor treatment.

HoudiniHissy · 04/12/2011 22:48

There is NO WE, you see that? in his mind there is only HE.

Get him the fuck out of your life. You SERIOUSLY Don't have to put up with this shit.

LittleWarmHouse · 04/12/2011 22:49

And listen to AFFAMP she is wise!

HoudiniHissy · 04/12/2011 22:49

All of us have to face the truth. that truth IS hard to swallow, but it IS the truth.

THIS MAN IS TOXIC, he is your nemesis, you need to get him away from you and your family at any possible price.

Trust me.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/12/2011 22:57

Will you leave this thread now, love ?

Just to post another identical one next week ?

Your husband is horrible.

You do yourself no favours by getting angry at people who don't even know you, who are simply taking your posts at face value

Nothing is ever black and white, and nobody said this was easy

But while you waste time and much-needed energy on the small stuff, your life passes you by and your self esteem disappears in a puff of smoke, mirrors and 3k spent on entertaining dickheads just like your husband

HoudiniHissy · 04/12/2011 23:14

wither, you know me, you know I mean what I say.

This man has to go. Whether you feel it now or not, he has to go.

So whatever you have to do to get him away from you.

There is support by the ton here, ALL of us want to see you happy, and that can't happen while you hang onto this dreadful man.

Barreal · 04/12/2011 23:52

By the way, even if I was earning oodles of money, I wouldn't treat it like your guy does. Sometimes, what seems like an endless supply of cash 'so might as well take a taxi to get the meat instead of buying a bike instead', can suddenly dry up.
Also, such excessive spending/waste is a complete turn-off for me.
I was the original thrifty person before it became 'en vogue' and there's a reason I can retire soon at 43. My bf is a millionaire, again for the same reason, and even though we could buy the best wine or stay in the best hotels, we spend wisely, indeed, even our clothes come from recycle shops, and this is one of the reasons I can love and respect him more than big spenders, because he understands the value of money, and that splashing it around isn't necessarily a good thing to do.

Original poster

witherhills · 05/12/2011 07:28

Sorry, I'm not getting shirty or angry with anyone on here. I'm just very sad that I've been called a twunt and been accused of stealth boasting when I am just trying to get through this shit, the best I can.
Over the last year I have asked him to leave 4 times, I can't actually leave myself, I have nothing. I have no money for solicitors.

I finally found the free advice and support in the abuse unit thanks to a poster on here

Of course I know I should leave him, I know he's not going to change. He is horrible, I have been stupidly taken in, I have no idea how it happened.

I am not just sitting back and taking all of this, I've challenged the 3k
and the wine issue. The wine issue is particularly hurtful as it involved my mum. Stupid thing us, if we had all finished off the bottles of wine he would be none the wiser, its because they were half empty that he spotted them!

I'm not sure how I'm a martyr either.

Anyway DS still poorly, it's bloody awful, he's never sick so he doesn't know what's going on, bless him, hes so pale and I can't keep up with the washing and cleaning up!

Thank you for listening and all your words of wisdom, it is much appreciated.

OP posts:

joblot · 05/12/2011 09:00

I sympathise op, I stayed too long in a shit relationship. You're making the steps, and its right not to jump til you're ready.

I'm glad the man who called you names had his post deleted. Quite right. Hard not to feel hurt by these things I find, even tho its an ignorant stranger

CeeBee44 · 05/12/2011 09:38

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Wither, you say you cannot leave as you have nothing. But you do have something - a loving family. Do they know how unhappy you are? Can they support you, emotionally or financially? You have no schools or job to keep you where you are. You also said on a different thread that your DH had given you some money, and paid his bonus into the joint account. Why don't you use that?

Does your DS notice the atmosphere in your house? Because he will. I grew up with a man like your DH. My Mum nearly left once when I was young but didn't manage to walk out of the door. I often wish she had, and taken us with her. Instead we lived with the temper, the rages, the throwing things, the abusive mutterings from different rooms, the treading on eggshells. I got out when I was 18 and married a lovely man who was, and is, the complete opposite to my Dad in every way.

My Mum once said that she didn't know he had a temper until after they got married. He had hidden it away before then. Is that the same for you? Did things used to be good between you? When did it start to change?

From your posts you come across as a confident, ballsy woman worn down by the shit that's happening in your life right now.

AgathaCrusty · 05/12/2011 10:56

You say that his time in this country has expired, that he has been here for too long. You say that you have asked him to leave the house but he won't. It seems very simple to me - report to Immigration.

Original poster

witherhills · 05/12/2011 12:16

Sorry that was misleading, he has residency status, it's just his driving licence that he is overdue for, you are supposed to apply to change it within 5 years, and if not then you have to take test again.

I wish it was that easy!

CB44- thanks for your post.
I do have some money now and access to joint account, but if I just took it, it would cause serious problems and I'm not sure how legal it would be.
The money I have would be just enough to get deposit and one month for private rental, but then what?
I have to make sure he will pay something for DS
I just have to get my ducks in row legally and maybe a bit more financially stable
I have run away to my family twice, but again what do I do then? Mum and dad don't have that much space. And I'm still jobless with no home of our own, albeit cheaper rents.

DS has pre-school here, he has his friends and home.
There are other issues with me moving to family, I have chosen London for our life.

DH is usually on his best behaviour with DS as he doesn't actualy see him that often, he does get impatient with him , which is a bit of a constant battle for me. He has no idea about children

I won't have big rows in front of DS, but it won't be long before he figures it out

His temper is worse now because he is stressed and tired. He acknowledges the anger management issues and tbd he's probably been better with the rages, but it's the arguing and constant underlying criticism that shows his true colours.
He is actually falling apart, and I think is heading for a breakdown

He thinks my mum doesn't know anything about wine, so resents her drinking the 12.99 bottle. Why can't he think that it was nice for her to drink a special bottle while she was doing us a huge favour while we went away for the weekend. It's just mean spirited, at best

OP posts:

AgathaCrusty · 05/12/2011 13:00

The wine, the expensive nights out etc, etc are not the main points. The issue is that you and your children are living with a controlling and abusive man.

He won't change.

The only person who can change the situation for the better for you and your children is you. What are you going to do about it?

HoudiniHissy · 05/12/2011 17:23

"His temper is worse now because he is stressed and tired. He acknowledges the anger management issues and tbd he's probably been better with the rages, but it's the arguing and constant underlying criticism that shows his true colours.
He is actually falling apart, and I think is heading for a breakdown"

All of that is merely excuses. DON'T make excuses for him.

He doesn't have an anger problem. Not a bit of it. He knows precisely what he's doing and why. He manufactures that anger and uses it with laser guided accuracy against YOU and anyone/thing that will directly hurt YOU. he doesn'[t acknowledge his rages , he is not taking responsibility for them, he is not doing anything to stop them. he is using them to control you.

Everyone gets stressed and tired. Not all of them take it out on a woman, or their children.

he's not falling apart. he is more together than he has ever been. he is calculatingly manufacturing this unhinged behaviour to further manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do.

DON'T FALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT

perfumedlife · 05/12/2011 18:11

Stressed and tired? Hungover and sussed out more like! I bet the wined and dined friends didn't get to suffer the stressed and tired side of him. Oh no, that's reserved for his lovely, loyal wife.

Get a grip here, you are making every excuse,, for him, for yourself and your own lack of action.

Dozer · 05/12/2011 22:44

You do sound like you're making excuses, and worrying about wine while rome burns....totally see there're practical difficulties, but you can get help, advice, invetigate benefits etc, talk to your family, stash money, lots of things you could do.

Making a stand over the 3k and wine is by-the-by if you intend to leave, or even work towards leaving.

But you don't sound like you do

Original poster

witherhills · 06/12/2011 00:32

Exhausted
I'm not making excuses, I was just responding to CB44, who was asking questions about why/how he is like this.

Although he's not pretending to be stressed, and he does have anger mgt issues, it's not just directed at me.

I don't really need to discuss it, it doesn't matter, truth is I'm past caring. Does it matter why he's a wanker, no, what matters is that he is mean and nasty to the person he is supposed to love most.

It's not working and I have to get out
I KNOW THAT

OP posts:

Original poster

witherhills · 06/12/2011 00:33

I'll explain more tomorrow, if needs be.

OP posts:

Original poster

witherhills · 06/12/2011 00:35

But thanks once again for taking the time out to respond.
X

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 06/12/2011 09:23

well done, sounds like you know what you have to do. Now you need to work out the how.

You have a right to better than this. ANYTHING is better than this.

Please don't allow yourself to lose this momentum. You will kick yourself in future for not having got out now when you know you must.

As it goes, you'll kick yourself anyway, but to get to this point and not do what you know must be done will just add to your anguish.

Have you read Why Does He Do That?

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