.. to feel sad that DH doesn't say good night to his daughter?

[marykat2004]

Ok I know he is ill, heart condition and depression, but it makes me sad and even winds me up that DH doesn't even say good night to DD. We have had some problems with bedtime routines, and this week I've been home every night and really taking the time to have a nice long, slow bedtime routine. He doesn't even come in to say goodnight, just stays in our room with the door shut, or on the computer.

I asked him if both his parents used to say goodnight to him and DH said no. He was the youngest of 6, his dad worked full time and no one paid much attention to him at all.

Still it breaks my heart to see DD rejected.

Or should I be more understanding or DH's illness?

Do all your DPs say good night to the children?

If he is on medication and is still depressed the meds are not working and he needs to either up the doseage or get a different pill. They do work if you are on the right medication, has he considered going back to the doctor, tell him that alienating himself from you and his child is pushing you away.

This is about the relationship between your daughter and her dad, which is suffering. He needs better help for that. The goodnight thing is just part of a larger worry you have. My husband works away, no goodnight kisses for my two, but they are fine as when they do see him, he's very loving and generous with his time. Improving his MH is definitely the way to go, as Fabby Chic and others have said. How hard for you as well, can you get some real-life support?

Hi again. Feeling really guilty for posting on here as DH is back in hospital now. For heart trouble. It seems he can't even get a cold without having to be hauled off in an ambulance :(.

It is all very distressing for a child, not getting to see her dad (I am still unclear about hospital and children visiting. I keep being told 'no' but then other patients have children visit). Fine if dad is working, that was traditionalyl what dads did. But dad being ill is very different.

So this is another issue now. And I should be on another topic message board.

Thank you for your replies.

Marycat, just to say I'm sorry about your husband, you really have got your plate full and I can see how it is difficult to manage the relationship between your husband and daughter, hope you get some good advice whichever part of the message board you end up on.

Perhaps as your husband is susceptible to germs at the moment they are keeping his visitors to a minimum for that reason only.

I hope your husband makes a quick recovery and is back home with you soon.

Mary - I'm sorry your DH is in hospital again. I hope he gets the help he needs with his depression as well. Not everyone handles it the same, plenty of people do retreat from the world. I'm not sure if his behaviour is his depression or not, but you have to deal with the depression first.

However, I will also say - once again - that I feel you pandering to DD all of the time is not helping her. Of course she is 'better' when she stays up later and you spend hours with her on this 'bed time routine' - she's a master manipulator and you do her no favours buying into that. At 7 you can (if you must) at 14 you can't.

The majority of 7 year olds just get 'sent to bed' with a parent checking on them later on. Most children say 'good night' & have a cuddle on their way to bed - there's no reason why your DD can't do this - there is no need for both parents to read stories, tuck her in & generally fuss over her at bedtime. No need at all.

Sorry - that might not read how I intended it to. I think it's nice you read her a story and tuck her in - she just doesn't need you to both do that.

Agree, you don't both need to be reading bedtime stories and so on. DH has read a story to dd a handful of times, and would say goodnight before she went upstairs. More is not necessary. Your dd can go to her dad and give him a kiss goodnight, you can tell him this is what is going to happen and it won't cause him greater illness giving her a kiss back.

I'm really sorry he's back in hospital and hope he recovers soon and is home quickly.

He's not avoiding involvement with her because he's really scared he's not going to be around and thinks she'd be better off not being used to him is he?

I don't know.. he recently stopped smoking, after trying so many times; he has been off it for 5 weeks. I thought this would change both his life expectancy and his relationship with his child but now he is back in hospital and I am confused.

This made me really sad to read, perhaps when your DH is better physically you could ask the GP for more support for his depression? A talking therapy, like cognitive behavioural therapy, might be helpful.

Also, perhaps think about contacting MNHQ and asking this thread be moved. AIBU is a harsh forum for this sort of issue and I'm worried that not all the responses you get will be helpful at this time.

I know someone who had heart failure a couple of years ago. He'd hardly recovered from it, when he had a load more heart attacks. He had already given up smoking and booze and was fiercely eating healthily, but I think there hadn't been enough time for those changes in lifestyle to have a significant effect.

He has been pretty good for the last two years now, thanks to complete changes to his life. He is happier now as he is healthier. The whole family (he had 3 young children) got behind him. They don't have fried foods, they only have takeaways once in a while. He has chick pea salads for lunch - and things like that - and they all have fish, chicken and occasionally venison for a change - along with fresh veg, and lots of fruit. He and his wife do go to the pub like they used to, but he tends to drink orange juice and be the designated driver.

My friend has also changed his job. He now works in an office instead of being self-employed working at a trade which requires a lot of activity and stress. He takes occasional private jobs, which he will do at the w/e if he can, but sometimes you have to simply wait for him to be in a decent condition to do the work.

He pays attention to what his body is tellingnhim and will rest when he knows he needs to. His partner is very aware of his state to, and will sometimes veto things for him because she knows he needs to rest or relax.

I am telling you this so you know that your dh can recover. He will need a lot of help from you, though, and whatever lifestyle changes are required need to be supported by you. Can you talk to his consultant? There should be a designated nurse for him, and you could talk to him/her too.

I am not in any way criticising you. I do think that sometimes health professionals are so focussed on the patient that they don't tell the patient's nearest and dearest. Sometimes patients are not really in a fit state to remember what they have been told, to ask questions, and can't pass on the full picture to those who are going to be looking after them when they go home. You need to be pro-active about it and insist that you are given the full picture.

How is dh today?

Still in hospital. I will ask to move the thread. What topic should it go under?

I guess I put it here because 1. it's a busy thread and 2. I was feeling wound up. I still do feel wound up, but you are right, I have to accept these lifestyle changes. I was hoping to look for a job soon but instead I am going to cut out the 4 hours a week that I do volunteering so I can look after my family full time. I need to get my head round being a full time mum and nothing else. Plenty of mums are quite happy with that.

Thank you for all your responses.

Can you change your hours, rather than give them up altogether? Get them spread out more or switch them to school time.. Are there people who live near you who can help out in practical ways, a spot of babysitting so you get time off? Friends around?

You need support in this. It is hard.

Thanks, Jux. I have some friends but they don't live really close. There are some single mums in our building but we're not close. One has an elderly mother and never complains about anything. They never go anywhere. yet seems quite content in their lives.

I'm going to try and more my voluntary work around, yes.

I asked about friends, as I think it's quite important for you to get out and see normal people. Not necessarily out on the razz, but just to have a bit of relaxation. Eat chocolate with a friend while watching a dvd or something. Keep yourself fresh and in touch outside your Bed of Responsibility, as it were.

As for the others in your building, just because they don't complain doesn't mean they are completely content. Single mums often can't really go anywhere other than the shops/school/nursery. Maybe you could start a babysitting club - each of your gets one night off a month and everyone shuffles round to babysit.

I'm telling you what to do, aren't I? Sorry. I just think you need more contact with the outside world too; and your dh, when he begins to recover, also needs to learn to take responsibility - a little at a time, though. Maybe someone coming in occasionally to ensure your dd gets put to bed nicely will help to get him going.

mary i think you need some support from a counsellor/family therapist to discuss these issues and offer concrete support to you (and maybe speak to dd too) . please go to GP and ask for support - around dealing with theongoing illness and other issues.

you need someone in RL to talkk to and thrash out these issues and the options open to dealaing with them - eg try dd going into say goodnight for a week etc.

I remember your threads, I find your situation very sad. You seem so nice and caring. (maybe too caring )

I am sorry that your husband is in hospital now.

Your dd is 7, so in school full time. Can you find day time work instead?

I've been given a letter from school for the CAMHS or something like that, it's mental health advice service to do with children. I even found a thread on here about people who had gone to these sessions, and were very positive about it.

I used to have a lot more of a real life. I think that's what makes it harder. I'm reducing and reducing what I do outside the family because I think that is what I should do, yet I feel resentful and depressed about it.

As much as I complain about him, now that DH has come home from hospital and I have someone to have adult conversations with, I don't know how I could ever be totally alone all the time, just me and a kid. Well, that sounds silly, of course I see other adults at the weekend, with their children, DD and I always go somewhere at the weekend and meet up with people who have children, but that are usually people I knew before children, so we have other things in common.

Just had another awful bedtime though. I get so exhausted by bedtime. I don't know what to do. Yesterday when DH came home from hospital DD was all good and happy, but tonight both supper and bed were a battle.

You need to talk to some one to address your own needs and your possible depression. Everything is about your h or your dd.
Talk to someone for you. Maybe cbt approach.
Having said that CAMHS will help you as wells dd

I am glad you see people outside your home regularly, particularly as these are people with whom you have more in common than being mummies together. Do they know what a hard time you are having at the moment?

Talking to your gp is a good place to start in getting yourself the help you need, and will help you to help your dh. (Really glad he's home.) Your dd is having a strange time too and it is less easily understandable to her; things change, her dad has become an invalid and has been in hospital more than once; you are harrassed and worried; the world has changed for her and she doesn't really understand how or why. She has lost some stability and is beginning to see that things don't stay the same, so she may be feeling less safe and secure. This is not your fault, I hasten to add.

It happened to my dd too, when her gran died and then my brother very quickly after. These were the 6th and 7th deaths of people to whom we were very close - mainly family. I was rocked and bewildered, so poor dd found it really hard to handle. She had a referral to CAMHS and they looked to me to be brilliant, but they wanted us to have family therapy, and dh refused so we got nothing from them instead. Ah well.

Your dd is acting up because she doesn't understand the world she is living in right now.

The illness of your dh is hard on all of you, and you really must give yourself permission to ask for help. It's a hell of a lot to cope with.

lol, CBT, I tried to get the book out and read it again, but it's really hard to motivate myself. I did CBT but unfortunately it coincided with foot surgery last year, and that interrupted the sessions, as well as being an unusual time, in that I was full of painkillers and also giving myself a break because of surgery. So not 'normal' life.

It's one thing after the other here, I can't always give myself a break. I take way more time off my voluntary work and attempts at starting a business (given up on that entirely and will look for a job when things settle. IF they do) than I would if I were in paid in employment. I don't even know what I would do if I still was employed. Probably be sacked.

Disappointed to hear that CAMHS wouldn't see just a mum and child. There is no way with all DH's problems that he would engage in family therapy. He was upset and outraged when i tried to talk about how his illness might affect DD. He doesn't think it will. Or does.

They have had it with me at the GP, I've had all the free CBT stuff, and I can't afford paying ones. Unless I go on medication. Been thinking about it but I feel like one parent should have a clear, natural head.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

been thinking about it but I feel like one parent should have a clear, natural head.

Medication shouldn't affect you like that. Don't cut yourself off from a source of help because of a preconceived idea.

Sorry, that was meant to be in bold not scored out.