Don't know how to carry on with this. DS inconsolable and its breaking my heart.

[dizzykizzy]

H and I separated a few weeks ago. He wouldn't leave our house so I moved into a rented house with DCs. When H realised that I was going, he moved out of our home and it is now on the market. H doesn't accept that we have separated and has told the DCs that he doesn't know why we have separated, that's its all my fault and that he is determined that we will get back together again. H is refusing to pay anything towards the DCs so everything is coming out of my savings, which will run out unless we can sell the house. H said today that he thinks we should rent the house out to avoid paying a early redemption fine but this means that I will have no money to pay my rent. I can't get housing benefit because we have capital in the house. I can't go back to live in the house because H would just move back in.

However, the DCs have spent the afternoon with H today (he doesn't want formal contact arrangements so just expects to see them as and when he wants to). I cooked dinner for them all when he dropped them back as I wanted to show a united front for the children and I'm still trying to stay as friendly as I can to H in the hope that he will start being reasonable.

But the evening has been dreadful. H has done a real job on both the DCs tonight and my DD is no longer talking to me and my DS was inconsolable at bedtime telling me that he hoped it wasn't going to be long before Daddy and I are back together again.

I just don't know what to do next. I can't bear the thought of living with H again. My stress levels are at an all time high and I am feeling really anxious and unwell. H didn't help at all with the move or any of the financial arrangements, and isn't taking any responsibility for the old house, or trying to sell it. I'm looking after the DCs full time unless H decides he wants an afternoon or an evening with them. I'm knackered and I just don't know how I carry on with this. I can't go back and I can't go forward. I'm angry and I'm so upset that I can't do anything to make this any better for my DCs.

I know I should be stronger than this but I really didn't make the decision to separate lightly. The problems we had have been going on since 2006 and I just got to the stage where I couldn't cope being with him anymore. So now, having made the decision, how do I cope with sticking to it?

Sounds like you need proper legal advice. Have you seen a solicitor?

Oh my goodness that sounds dreadful. I think you need legal advice, have you seen a solicitor yet?

Keeping informality only works if both parties can be reasonable and fair

Sorry typing on my phone, didn't mean to parrot MsHighwater

Yes legal advice

Contact needs to be formalised

For a start you need to know what's happening at Xmas for example
He needs to pay maintenance
The house needs to go on the Market
You need a solicitor

You have made this decision, as you say, not lightly. In many ways he is making life as difficult, which confirms on many levels that your decision was right. As others have said, see a solicitor asap. You are entitled to a free half hour session.

He is a dick and you should get in touch with Women's Aid. Remember that you do not need his permission to end the relationship, you are not his property and you can (if necessary) take legal steps to prevent him having any contact at all with you.

H says that he has only agreed to a separation on the basis that it is "time apart" and that he is not going to give up on our relationship and he will get me back. This is what H is telling our DS who is only 10 and very, very upset that we have separated. Also, as we moved, DS cannot play with his friends in our old road any more and he really misses them. I just don't know what to say to DS to help him cope with it.

From a practical point of view, even if you have capital in the house you can still claim housing benefit if it is on the market and you cannot live in it.

I agree get some legal advice and what about contacting the CSA for maintenance.

You are entitled to stay in the marital home until your DC's are 18 or leave home/formal education, according to my solicitor. Whether you can afford to is another matter, but could you buy him out? Could he sign over his half to you as part all/of the settlement? These are questions for your solicitor.

If you moved back into the house how/why would he move back in again?

I HATE it when exes (male OR female) play mind games with their DC's,it's so bloody cruel & causes untold stress to all parties.

Good luck dizzy, it's not easy, but you will get there.

He refused to move out, that's why I did. Then, because he didn't want to live in the house without us in it (or more likely didn't want to have to pay the mortgage), he moved out. If we moved back, I think he would still be entitled to live in the house because it is in joint names. I don't think I've got grounds to stop him moving back which I'm pretty sure is exactly what he would do...

You need to see a solicitor, so who is paying the mortgage now?

I'm applying for a cessation of the mortgage pending sale of the house. He's not offering to put any money in to cover the mortgage and I've cancelled the direct debit for now. I'm not really sure whether I'm doing the right thing but he isn't doing anything. I've spoken to the mortgage company three times and they really haven't been very helpful so Im not sure it's going to be OK. He's working but his salary wouldn't cover all the mortgage costs. I'm not working but I have some savings which I'm using to pay our rent and living costs for the time being.

Could you afford to live in the house on your own and would you want to?

Definitely seek legal advice and advice from WA on what to do about a manipulative hostile knobber. You were absolutely right to dump him, as his nasty behaviour demonstrates - he is selfish and unkind and happy to hurt his DC in order to punish you. Do not feel that you ought to give the relationship 'another chance' - you have every right to bin a partner that you do not want to be with.

it looks liek you need everything done the expensive way :9
he wil ltry to manipulate you as much as you are going to let him

tell the kids the truth, but in words suitable for their age
keep to your story
in time they will see through them

tell them that he is being difficult to hurt you and that he is managing to upset you and them

It sounds hellish. The kids are bound to side with him, he'll be playing the victim.

Consider moving back in and changing locks. He's not paying after all. Also, you can get a non molestation order to keep him away. He's bullying you and emotionally abusing your kids. Please talk to friends/family who you know will support you.

There're a few details I'd need to know before commenting.

You have unilaterally removed the children from their dad and their home. The only reason you state for this is that he would not move out. Is there solid reason you had to do this (eg abuse/neglect).

Having done that you are now asking for "formal contact". So he's gone from being a daily part of their lives, to you removing them, to you wanting to limit their time with him?

What have you said to the dc about the reasons for separation?

Many women would love for their exes to have regular frequent time with their dc.

I'm seeing how he might be feeling, having had his children removed. Hiw would it have felt if he'd taken them and gone?

Have you discussed sensibly the issue of child support? If so, and he isnt forthcoming, you need to get on to the csa urgently.

I am asking these questions not because I am assuming you are in the wrong, but at facie value there is lots of missing detail in your op so that I couldn't fairly comment.

Hairy: THe OP says she has had five years of problems with this man. The way he is behaving now (refusing to pay any money, manipulating the DC) suggests she had every right to dump him - because he is a selfish knob.
OP, you'll have to do it the legal way with help from WA. But remember, you don't have to have any direct dealings with this man if you don't want to.

solid no bun fight please. The op has been very vague about what the issues are.

He may well be a selfish knob. However whatever the ops issues are with him, the children have been removed from their home and their dad and I'd like to know why, before jumping on the "screw him" bandwagon.

"He has only agreed to a separation..." It's not up to him to "agree" to it. YOU have left him. He has no choice but to accept it, and you probably need, very kindly and gently, to explain that in clear terms to your children.

And, actually, to him too. Because it might be that he's got some mixed messages somewhere along the line, if he seriously believes that he will "get you back." TELL him, very firmly, in words of one syllable, that THAT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING.

Go to CAB tomorrow and get a list of local solicitors who give an hours free advice. This is your priority.

If I were you, I would: Move back into the family home. Just do it - you do not have to sell the home. It is your kids home until youngest is 18. You may want to sell in the future, but not now. Stop paying money on rent, that money should be on the mortgage on the family home.

If he says he'll move back, then tell him that you are separated and will divorced and if he moves back, then it's separate lives, separate bedrooms, everything. Let him sleep on the sofa.

I would change the locks, which I now isn't legal, but he will need to get a court order to change them back, and explain why: he won't look good if he says his wife has wanted to split, but he's refusing to go.

Contact Tax/Child credits. Even if you are living together, but separately, you can get tax credits (and they are backdated from the split). Get these paid into a separate account.

He will have to pay for the kids -it's the law. If he refuses, then CSA will take the money from his salary every month, and pay it to you. This will not affect your tax credits.

If you move back home, and he follows under the conditions stated above, he won't be able to "do a number" on the kids; he will see that you're serious and that you intend to start divorce proceedings. You need 5 examples to divorce under "unreasonable behaviour" and your first point can be, "refuses to leave the family home".

Go for it, and good luck. You can't let him force a sale of the family home.

"tell them that he is being difficult to hurt you and that he is managing to upset you and them" no. no no no absolutely don't start joining in this he said she said game that he is playing - it will only confuse the dc more.

Op you have every right to leave the relationship if you are not happy. But your children don't need to be a part of the reasons why - you and him splitting does not make either one of you less their parent and they shouldn't be expected to shoulder any of the emotional fallout that this split has inevitably caused.

Your xh is projecting his own emotional state on to the children and he is clearly out of order for doing so.

Don't stoop to his level - don't play his game. But do be honest with the dc while making some allowance for your xh's perceived emotional state.

I would tell them that daddy is sad that he and you are no longer together. And that when people are sad about something like that, then it is natural that they will hope that things will change back to the way they were. Tell them that it's ok to be sad that their daddy is sad, but at the same time you know that you and daddy will not be getting back together, and that you all need to try to move on with the way things are, because being sad isn't going to change anything.

The children don't need to take sides. It doesn't matter how much of a twat your xh is t you - he is still their father and their feelings regarding his sadness over the split should be acknowledged as much as anything you feel iyswim.

I am not suggesting here that you are asking the dc to take sides btw, just that it can be so easy to want to go that route especially when one party is already being clearly unreasonable.

saffismum afaik it is not an automatic rule that you can stay in the family home until youngest turns eighteen - iirc you have to get a specific order for that to be agreed.

And changing the locks is a definite no-no unless there are dv issues and restraining orders and such like - if the home is the marital home then he does actually have just as much right to be there as op does until the marriage has ended and ownership of the home is resolved. Any solicitor will advise op that changing the locks is an extremely bad idea and that if her xh went to court he would get an order to gain access to the house.

Op - you really need to seek proper legal advice in terms of how to proceed next re the house/finances/filing for divorce/contact/maintanence for the dc.

Oh ffs, what a load of crap.

WA?! For what?! It's a split up not a bloody DV case!

OP, get yourself back in the house and change the locks. Then get legal advice. Jesus wept,the legal system takes time. there isn't going to be any order telling you to get out or him to move back in anytime soon.

He sounds like a delusional knob. Get him told. As regards CM i'd CSA him if he's not prepared to pay up. Expect a mountain of problems with the twunts though.

As far as contact is concerned be careful what you wish for. Once it's defined it gives little flexibility for either party. Formalising it should be a last resort.