Don't know how to carry on with this. DS inconsolable and its breaking my heart.

[dizzykizzy]

H and I separated a few weeks ago. He wouldn't leave our house so I moved into a rented house with DCs. When H realised that I was going, he moved out of our home and it is now on the market. H doesn't accept that we have separated and has told the DCs that he doesn't know why we have separated, that's its all my fault and that he is determined that we will get back together again. H is refusing to pay anything towards the DCs so everything is coming out of my savings, which will run out unless we can sell the house. H said today that he thinks we should rent the house out to avoid paying a early redemption fine but this means that I will have no money to pay my rent. I can't get housing benefit because we have capital in the house. I can't go back to live in the house because H would just move back in.

However, the DCs have spent the afternoon with H today (he doesn't want formal contact arrangements so just expects to see them as and when he wants to). I cooked dinner for them all when he dropped them back as I wanted to show a united front for the children and I'm still trying to stay as friendly as I can to H in the hope that he will start being reasonable.

But the evening has been dreadful. H has done a real job on both the DCs tonight and my DD is no longer talking to me and my DS was inconsolable at bedtime telling me that he hoped it wasn't going to be long before Daddy and I are back together again.

I just don't know what to do next. I can't bear the thought of living with H again. My stress levels are at an all time high and I am feeling really anxious and unwell. H didn't help at all with the move or any of the financial arrangements, and isn't taking any responsibility for the old house, or trying to sell it. I'm looking after the DCs full time unless H decides he wants an afternoon or an evening with them. I'm knackered and I just don't know how I carry on with this. I can't go back and I can't go forward. I'm angry and I'm so upset that I can't do anything to make this any better for my DCs.

I know I should be stronger than this but I really didn't make the decision to separate lightly. The problems we had have been going on since 2006 and I just got to the stage where I couldn't cope being with him anymore. So now, having made the decision, how do I cope with sticking to it?

OP, you have my sympathy. When I separated from XDH i discovered the hard way that whatever the legalities, if you have DCs to protect then you have to negotiate with the person you are separating from. If they don't want to negotiate then they can make your life very difficult indeed.

The first few weeks after separation are a nightmare - like the first few minutes after an accident. He is in shock and lashing out, the kids are in bits, you are trying to hold it all together but 'know' you are the one causing the problems. This may go on for some time.

My advice FWIW is this. Yes get a fix on the legal stuff, but right now pick one priority at a time and stick to your guns. Maybe the arrangements for the children. They have the right to see him; and the right to some consistency from him. Forget everything else and start negotiating on this. Be fair to them all - the start point imho is that they spend half their time with him and half with you.

Don't expect him to be nice and compliant. Would you be if you were in his position? You have a long tough road ahead but the destination is worth it.

who said it was a dv case?

I said that changing the locks would only be likely to be agreed if it were a dv case.

It is illegal for the op to change the locks on the marital home - it is that simple, and while I can see why op might be tempted to do so, if the op starts going down illegal routes to get her way it will not work in her favour long-term.

It's illegal to change the locks on your own house?!

Please. Only if the OP is in breach of a court order stating that. Which she's not.

The OP needs to lose her keys, and get the locks changed. She can then delay giving him a copy of the new set. Then dilly dally until the legal side is catching up. Its a civil matter not a criminal one.
Make sure you have a good solicitor.

If the house is jointly owned then neither of you may legally changethe locks and withold access from the other. The only way to do this is via an exclusion order for which you need grounds.

So, sparks it would be fine for him to change the lock on his own home, excluding the op?

I think basically OP, you need to stop bending over backwards to be reasonable - don't do the dinner together thing again - maybe in a couple of years time, when the dust has settled but in the meantime, your ex needs to have it clear to him that you are exes. And so do the children.

For whatever reason, he's incapable of being reasonable in front of the children, so limit contact between you and him, don't have him in your house and just stay consistent in your message that it's over.

Wannabe - I stand by what I said. I know you shouldn't change the locks, but I think getting back in the family home, with the dc, is OPs priorty: if she says shes lost her keys, gets the locks changed, he will need a court order to get in the property. This takes time. The worse that can happen is that he has to go to the courts to get a set of keys. Big deal. The bigger picture here is the way this guy has behaved. And as for the comment about not keeping the family home - I know this doesn't always apply, but it usually does. My solicitor has sorted it for me - and said to me "no court in the land would force the sale of the family home, to move into more expensive rented accommodation, with children under 18".

OP needs legal advice, and soon.

Lock changing is a bad idea unless there is violence or the threat of it (in which case go ahead and change them while logging all violent incidents and applying for exclusion orders). But aside from that the OP needs to start the legal procedures and minimize contact between the man and herself, perhaps doing all the child/contact stuff by email. WRT what to say to the DC just be calm and firm about it, that you can't live happily with Daddy but that Daddy still loves the DC and they will still see plenty of him, and while Daddy is unhappy at the moment, he will get over it.

dont do dinner together!

" I cooked dinner for them all when he dropped them back as I wanted to show a united front for the children and I'm still trying to stay as friendly as I can to H in the hope that he will start being reasonable."

it confuses your ex who thinks it is a sign you can be back together
it confuses the DC who see it as a sign you can be back together (espec as ex is encouraging them to think like that)

dont let him in your new home (or if you move back into theold home)

set contact arrangements so Dc have sufficient time with him and stick to them.

You need to stop feeling guilty, and you need to stop bending over backwards to accomodate him. On top of that, he needs to be paying maintance - CSA if he won't co-operate - and needs to be brought back down to earth about what he is saying - and also who he is saying it to.

He may or may not have been abusive in the relationship.

His techniques now are purely manipulative and tick many if not all of the boxes of an abuser.

Get informed, get legal advice (CAB) and speak to WA. Even if this guy is not card carrying abuser, WA will have dealt with his like before, they may be able to help.

Formalise the contact, formalise the split, move back home, and do as they say wrt the locks, lose your keys and faff about wrt a copy. let him take you to court if he must, then you can tell everyone WHY you split.

get CSA onto him, get benefits advice and get on with your life. Stop letting him call the shots and bullying you.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. He hasn't been violent but I have lived with the threat of it from bouts of anger he displayed in the early days of our relationship. He is definitely being manipulative and in the cold light of day, I can see that; just accepting that he's doing it to me though is very difficult.

I'm not sure that we can move back into our old house as I know he would not stay away; I cannot afford to live there long term anyway and I don't think he earns enough to be made to pay towards the mortgage. Its all a bit of a financial mess and his lack of willingness to try to solve our financial problems was the final straw. The fact that he made us move out by refusing to leave (and then buggering off when he realised that he would be left on his own) is testimony to him putting himself first and not caring for me or our DCs at all.

DD is fine - we talked yesterday and she is more understanding of the situation than I gave her credit for. Even DS seems much happier today and my lesson of having H over for dinner has been learnt!