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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't normal is it? rigid planning and insistence

46 replies

AvoidTheScales · 03/12/2011 16:02

My boyfriend lives about 10 minutes away so although we don't live together, we do see each other often so this certainly isn't a long distance thing where we need to "Plan" all the time.
What I want to ask about is rigid planning, obsession with things going as planned and insistance on doing things despite inconvenience. It's doing my head in basically.

Take this weekend for example. We're going out for a few drinks and a meal later on. Sounds simple right? but no, it isn't simple because he's got it into his head that we've planned to have a bath together before we go out (it was a mere suggestion two weeks ago!) which is totally inconvenient because he isn't getting here until 5pm. We're going out at 7. I need to wash and dry and straighten long hair. I need time to get ready. So I just text him to say I'm not doing the bath thing because time is against us. He replied with "ok we will have the bath tomorow morning." why do we have to have a bath at all??? we need to be in the horrendously busy city centre by 9am tomorow in order to get parked - so he's wanting to get up early (around 6am) in order to fit in this bloody bath - ON A SUNDAY.

Another thing "planned" is a massage he wants to do because he's bought some special lotion. Yes it's very nice that he wants to massage me but it's the rigidness of it. Almost as if I have no choice because it's on the agenda for the weekend. If I try and get out of it we'll have major sulks. Oh and sex is planned this weekend - because last weekend I wasn't in the mood and he said "maybe next weekend?" and I said "yeah". So that's it - sex is virtually scribbled into the diary and WILL be going ahead. God forbid I "try and get out of it" two weeks in a row. (I'm having stomach problems, sex is last thing on my mind but try telling him that).

And this was a joke - I ordered some flat packed furniture. He said "oh leave it in its box, I'll do it for you on Sunday". I said "ok". Silly me - forgot that this was now written in stone and I was forbidden to open the box.
So yesterday I was sat at home, nothing to do, box staring at me - I opened it and put it together. Last night I casually mentioned that I'd already done it - well you would've thought I'd just said "I'm pregnant and it could be yours, my ex's or the milkmans."

Its not normal is it?? it's not me going insane is it??? do people REALLY stick to plans like this? even unimportant plans like baths etc if it's inconvenient??

OP posts:

Katisha · 03/12/2011 16:05

How long have you been together?

I can't see this getting any better to be honest.

DeeOfTheNorth · 03/12/2011 16:06

No it's not normal.
You are not going insane.
Some people do but I couldn't put up with it.
Yes, even those plans...but as I said not for me.

How long have you been seeing this guy? I mean you might get him to relax a bit but it sounds like this is 'him' and a big part of his personality. So, it's up to you to decide if you want to be with someone like that or not.

FestiveFriedaWassailsAgain · 03/12/2011 16:06

I agree, it doesn't sound normal to me either. By all means make vague plans, but they are always subject to change. The bath thing just sounds mad!

Is it a long term relationship, has he always been like this? TBH if it's a new bloke you are 'just seeing' I would be planning to be single, I couldn't tolerate not being 'allowed' to change my mind.

Catsdontcare · 03/12/2011 16:06

God he sounds like hard work! No it's not normal and I think you need to think long term about whether you want this type of life because I sincerely doubt be will change

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/12/2011 16:08

OCD.........

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2011 16:14

Or Asperger's? He seems to have a very literal mind.

Katisha · 03/12/2011 16:15

Or is v controlling

Original poster

AvoidTheScales · 03/12/2011 16:22

Been together around 6 months. I see all sorts of signs in him but aspergers is a biggie since another issue we have is that he seems blistfully unaware of anyone else around him. In public he will start conversations about really innapropriate stuff where other people can hear, even when talking to me he'll suddenly change the subject because he's no longer interested in what I'm saying. He once went all stroppy because I said I would try a certain hairdresser but then changed my mind and went to my usual.

Aspergers or not though it's doing my head in, I feel constantly controlled, as if I'm on a performance chart and things are being ticked off as we go along. He thinks I'm wearing a certain coat tonight, let's see his reaction when I pull on a different one it's so tiring, I shouldn't even need to think about this shit.

OP posts:

DeeOfTheNorth · 03/12/2011 16:25

It doesn't sound good does it? If you don't like it then I'd stop seeing him. You sound very frustrated after just six months....I'd hate to see what you'd be like a few years down the line!

DeeOfTheNorth · 03/12/2011 16:26

Don't mean to sound flippant btw...just think if you're feeling controlled and seeing him is tiring then parting ways is probably best for both of you.

mumblechum1 · 03/12/2011 16:33

I'd dump him before this goes any further.

Katisha · 03/12/2011 16:36

WHy does he need to know what coat you are wearing?

suburbophobe · 03/12/2011 16:36

He sounds exhausting and this would make me constantly stressed. So I can understand your frustration.

It also sounds like the whole relationship is on his terms.

I like to go with the flow more or less and therefore need a partner with the same mind-set.

babyhammock · 03/12/2011 16:40

No wonder you're not in the mood x

Original poster

AvoidTheScales · 03/12/2011 16:43

The sex is an awful affair too it's the same foreplay routine EVERY time, 99% of the time he loses his erection a minute into it so he faffs about trying to get it back up whilst half heartedly trying to continue foreplay on me, starts panicking - it really is awful and utterly awkward.

OP posts:

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2011 16:46

Why are you with him?

4c4good · 03/12/2011 16:51

This sounds like Aspergers - the literal mindedness and lack of subtlety/lacl of awareness of signals from those around him. We have a couple of aspies in our family - I was brought up by one - and it can be truly bizarre and difficult. But also endearing in an odd sort of way. Without wishing to offend, I personally wouldn't choose this relationship simply because I like a degree of flexibility as well as a sense of my own self, if that makes sense.

HoudiniHissy · 03/12/2011 16:51

Seriously, there are NO redeeming features to this guy, youneed to get the hell out of this as soon as possible.

buzzswellington · 03/12/2011 16:54

Why are you with him?

Yorkpud · 03/12/2011 17:07

He isn't a horrible person just hard work. Whether you can cope with him is up to you. My brother has Aspergers and we would love him to find a relationship but he is not confident enough and probably not many people could cope with him. There is no such thing as a perfect man. Either accept him for all his faults or move on.

Ragwort · 03/12/2011 17:12

What are his good points ?

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2011 17:37

When I ask why you are with him I am not just being negative, I truly mean what are the positive features in the relationship, as you have not really desscribed any so far!

venusandChristMARS · 03/12/2011 18:55

I agree with yorkpud, there's nothing bad about you, there's nothing bad about him. You're discovering how things are for him. If you love him and you can work with that then fine. If not, then please move on.

ISayHolmes · 03/12/2011 19:03

If you feel constantly controlled and dislike the sex and are unhappy then this relationship is a non-starter, even after six months. Seriously: six months in and the sex being lousy is the death knell. A gratifying sexual relationship is so important, and if in these early days it isn't happening then I doubt it ever will. I would move on :(

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2011 19:10

Why are you with him, what do you get out of this so called relationship?. I hope you don't think he is your pet project to rescue and or save.

Why is your self esteem seemingly so low that you've put up with him till now?. This is frankly dead in the water.

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