This isn't normal is it? rigid planning and insistence

[AvoidTheScales]

My boyfriend lives about 10 minutes away so although we don't live together, we do see each other often so this certainly isn't a long distance thing where we need to "Plan" all the time.
What I want to ask about is rigid planning, obsession with things going as planned and insistance on doing things despite inconvenience. It's doing my head in basically.

Take this weekend for example. We're going out for a few drinks and a meal later on. Sounds simple right? but no, it isn't simple because he's got it into his head that we've planned to have a bath together before we go out (it was a mere suggestion two weeks ago!) which is totally inconvenient because he isn't getting here until 5pm. We're going out at 7. I need to wash and dry and straighten long hair. I need time to get ready. So I just text him to say I'm not doing the bath thing because time is against us. He replied with "ok we will have the bath tomorow morning." why do we have to have a bath at all??? we need to be in the horrendously busy city centre by 9am tomorow in order to get parked - so he's wanting to get up early (around 6am) in order to fit in this bloody bath - ON A SUNDAY.

Another thing "planned" is a massage he wants to do because he's bought some special lotion. Yes it's very nice that he wants to massage me but it's the rigidness of it. Almost as if I have no choice because it's on the agenda for the weekend. If I try and get out of it we'll have major sulks. Oh and sex is planned this weekend - because last weekend I wasn't in the mood and he said "maybe next weekend?" and I said "yeah". So that's it - sex is virtually scribbled into the diary and WILL be going ahead. God forbid I "try and get out of it" two weeks in a row. (I'm having stomach problems, sex is last thing on my mind but try telling him that).

And this was a joke - I ordered some flat packed furniture. He said "oh leave it in its box, I'll do it for you on Sunday". I said "ok". Silly me - forgot that this was now written in stone and I was forbidden to open the box.
So yesterday I was sat at home, nothing to do, box staring at me - I opened it and put it together. Last night I casually mentioned that I'd already done it - well you would've thought I'd just said "I'm pregnant and it could be yours, my ex's or the milkmans."

Its not normal is it?? it's not me going insane is it??? do people REALLY stick to plans like this? even unimportant plans like baths etc if it's inconvenient??

You may also be wrong re Aspergers as well; what do you actually know about AS?.

Cut your loses and dump him.

You should be having honeymoon hot sex at the six month stage with loads of spontaneity going on, not planning baths 2 weeks in advance FFS.

Aspergers was only a suggestion, sorry. I was thinking it might not be the guy's fault if he has a disorder such as this. However that only gives a reason for the behaviours; it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

He won't change. If anything it will get worse.
This will grind you down and kill all joy in your life, unless you are prepared to schedule "Saturday morning happy time" in.
Drop him.
Sorry.

I don't understand why you are together - it sounds like a chore, and so early in a relationship that is really bizarre. Not good at any stage, of course, but 6 months in?! :(

Dump him!

AvoidTheScales Are you now dating my ex? He sounds word for word especially when you mentioned the bath. If you are I strongly suggest you get the hell out and run for the hills lol.

No it's not normal you know it yourself. Please don't be like me and know fully well it's not right or normal to be this controlling and then talk yourself out of it by thinking he's only being nice or he's being caring. He is controlling you.

Yuuk, bin him. It doesn't matterif he has Aspergers or some other MH problem. You are not happy with him, so bin him. You do not owe him a relationship.

I think he just wants some special time with you.
He's trying to be romantic, that's all.

I just read some more and yep, this goes beyond just wanting some quality time with you.
More the control freak, me thinks.
Sorry for my other verdict.
I hadn't read your other comments when I wrote it.

Sounds shit.

And this is utterly chilling: So that's it - sex is virtually scribbled into the diary and WILL be going ahead. God forbid I "try and get out of it"

How did you guys meet?

What happens if you 'try to get out of it'?

It doesn't really matter what's behind it, the point is that that's the way he is and it bothers you. If I were you I'd cut my losses and leave, he doesn't sound like someone who's going to change.

christ almighty

who could be arsed with this ?

find someone else, OP, this one isn't for you

Time to get your coat ( even if it's the wrong one), and run for the hills

Well, so he has a problem with unexpected changes - I'm also thinking Asperger's, tbh- but to me the main thing seems to be that you don't like him very much ... what do YOU see in him, as others have said?
If you really liked him or fancied him, or thought he had other great qualities, you would, I should hope, be able to talk through your problems with him and try to find a compromise (like, you would tolerate some eccentricities when you feel like it -like the coat thing, who cares? -, and at other times he would have to accept he is being too controlling, and have to learn to go with the flow. I'm sure you would both manage to find a way to make it work... he would learn, and get used to expecting the unexpected -at least I hope so; for the sake of my Aspie DS, I like to think that it could happen. Surely not everybody who is controlling needs to be ditched instantly?)
Why don't you sit him down and have a good chat, tell him what you've just told us, that you think he has control issues etc... It can be said with kindness and humour and tenderness... can't it? (well, it could if you liked him enough...)
Of course if you meet each of his controlling reactions with a grumpy telling off, and expect him to get the clue ... that won't work ... he might need you to be more explicit. When you tell him, he might surprise you, he might not have realised that he is being annoying, and might be very willing to change.
Although I think it's too late now, you've already been put off... the sex you're describing sounds so awful!!
You've already made up your mind, it seems...
Best of luck, whatever you do : )

"This will grind you down and kill all joy in your life, unless you are prepared to schedule "Saturday morning happy time" in."
Does it not take 2 ?
People with controlling tendencies can change. Very easily. They just need to be told EXPLICITLY - and preferably nicely ...
"who could be arsed with this ?"
Somebody who is in love?
"he doesn't sound like someone who's going to change"
Has he even ever been asked to?
"So that's it - sex is virtually scribbled into the diary and WILL be going ahead. God forbid I "try and get out of it" "
I can practically see you roll your eyes... what kind of basis for sex is that?? Who would want sex when in that mood?? Talk to him FGS !!

You want to leave him anyway, so just do - but please don't think it's HIS fault.
It's just that the both of you together, doesn't work, and that's it. You don't need a justification, do you. Can you not just tell him that you don't think it's going to work? - do you have to convince yourself that he is at fault before you do?

People with controlling tendencies don't tend to change. They just move on in the hope of finding someone more subservient or at least someone with low enough self-esteem to hear 'My XP was a shit s/he would never give me anything I wanted' and believe 'As long as I submit completely I can make this person happy, and if I don't submit completely that makes me a Bad Partner.'

Having an urge to control your environment does not necessarily mean you are cold and calculating and want to pray on people... although I agree that's what it can look like... I don't think you are talking from personal experience, SGVB, are you? Psychopaths might behave like you described, but not the average person who, for some reason needs more reassurance in their life than most ...
I guess the OP can try an experiment, and see how her DP would respond to a kind, explicit request to look at his behaviour, and try to see it her way, and see if he can improve. But she'd have to give him a chance! Like I said, though, I think it's too late, in their case ...
I am fairly controlling myself, and have learnt to spot the signs and ignore my tendencies (so if something is being suggested and I think "no, I don't want to do that", before I say it, I try to figure out if I really have a valid reason - or if it's just that I wasn't expecting it... ) and DP has learnt to just tell me "yeah, maybe you're right about objecting/insisting to X Y Z, or maybe you're just being controlling again... !" : ) whenever my own mechanism has failed : p and I quickly assess whether he's right or not - because I know it's not in anybody's interest to go along with something you don't want- not his, not mine...
My point being that when there is trust and love, control freakery can't get in the way - thankfully! :)
But the OP clearly is fed up with this man so there is no point in trying...