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Original poster

Were these warning signs?

46 replies

meandmypickle · 02/12/2011 22:07

Briefly - been with h 10 years , very volatile relationship. split up before and got back together. 1 ds.

very early on in our relationship, i smoked occasionally - h didn't like it - he threw away my cigarettes without asking me. His reason "it was bad for me"
Also we worked together and he told out boss (he was alot more senior than me, if its relevant) that it it was a problem us being together, we could both just leave (i'd nver suggested to him i'd leave)

Just thinking if these things happened now, i'd not be happy - but i just accepted (almost flet flattered by )them at the time

OP posts:
deste · 02/12/2011 22:11

There is obviously a lot more to this than you are saying.

MenopausalHaze · 02/12/2011 22:12

How long ago did these non-events happen? And why are you still chewing over them now? Much more going on here I'd imagine

Original poster
meandmypickle · 02/12/2011 22:17

Are they "non events"? I'd like to think they are. others have suggested he was ttrying to control me. They happeend about 10 yrs ago

OP posts:
MenopausalHaze · 02/12/2011 22:23

Of course they are non events. In fact - I'm Shock at you thinking otherwise - read some of the other threads here and see what actual real current shit people are going through.

buzzswellington · 02/12/2011 22:26

No, they weren't non-events - he was overstepping your boundaries and making decisions for you without your agreement. He couldn't decide for you that you won't smoke anymore, nor that you'd quit your job - those were and are your choices.

MenopausalHaze · 02/12/2011 22:29

Ten years ago ffs! If that's the worst of it in ten years then this OP has bugger all to complain about!

malinkey · 02/12/2011 22:36

I'm not sure she's saying that's the worst of it - she mentioned volatile relationship after all - I read that as asking whether those particular events were significant at the beginning of her relationship - in that context I'd agree with buzz and say yes.

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/12/2011 22:42

Yes of course they were warning signs. That is awful, controlling behaviour.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 02/12/2011 22:48

That's right malinkey - certainly not the worst, just wanting opinions on what happened at the beginning.
One of the issues (just been reading another thread about it) id hs refusal to discuss things when he's had enough/can't see the oint/doesn't like waht he's hearing, etc. he used to storm off and then come back expecting all to be fine. If i wanted to continue the discussion, he's either shout or leave again. he rarely leaves now, just refuses to discuss, shouts or dismisses what i' saying. I've been trying to tell him recently i've found him grumpy, inattentive, disintersted etc - he says he tries to mak me happy..
We went n holiday a few months ago and i couldn't wait to get back as didn't enjoy his company much. When i told him (in counselling) id hadn't enjoyed it he said "we had a nice holiday". he only sees it from his point of view. It feels like if he's happy, he expects me to be too

OP posts:
malinkey · 02/12/2011 22:52

Does he care how you feel? It doesn't sound like it.

Original poster
meandmypickle · 02/12/2011 22:54

He says he does care and some things indicate he does, others dont..

OP posts:
Original poster
meandmypickle · 02/12/2011 23:23

we've split up before and got back together - all instigated by me. we had a deadline for things to improve (last month) i extended the deadline as didn't feel able to make a decision before xmas. He never talks about it it and if i say that i'll leave it things don;t imrove, he says i'm threatening him, being negative, living in the past etc

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 03/12/2011 06:19

It seems that you've made all the running in this relationship so wtf are you complaining about?

It's a long time till November 5 2012 when you can chuck him on the seasonal bonfire of your vanities.

Are you going to drip feed on this post for another year? Or are you going to ditch the bitching or keep us hanging on?

Why do you keep extending your deadlines?: Are you looking for a fairy to top your Christmas tree? If so, I agree that he needs something up his arse but I would suggest that your toe will be more effective in launching him into orbit around Planet Offufuck.

Is there any pressing reason why you cannot effect this astral phenomen immediately , or are you into prolonging the agony so that you can extract the maximum sympathy from the dregs of your non relationship with the man you chose to marry, presumably when you were in full control of your faculties and could see the writing on the wall?

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 03/12/2011 08:09

You know how your relationship turned out better than anyone else here.

So, the real question is: do you think they were warning signs???

and also: what are you going to do about the relationship now?

TheOriginalFAB · 03/12/2011 08:12

If he has been an angel since then no, not warning signs but if he has done stuff since, then yes. Are you looking for a reason to leave him?

Original poster
meandmypickle · 03/12/2011 09:32

Izzy, see what you're trying to say but felt a bit harsh. I was hoping for some advice, not a slating for eing unhappy.
Chestnut, yes they probably were warning signs. I can't do anything now as don't want the upheaval before xmas but not sure i can live like this undefinatley.
FAB - not he's not been an angel since! Not to say i have either though

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 03/12/2011 09:35

we had a deadline for things to improve (last month) i extended the deadline as didn't feel able to make a decision before xmas

Then the decision is made isn't it? You had a deadline, he didn't meet it, so there is your answer. You just haven't planned the how yet. Unless your deadline was meaningless and you never meant to stick to it?

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 03/12/2011 09:44

If you set a deadline and don't stick to it, you will only end up regretting the extra time you spent with him. Just think, this could be your first Christmas without him, and although it might be strange, you will be happy knowing that it is the first of many where you can make your own decsions and have grown up conversations, without worrying the other person will storm out or start shouting.
Don't keep extending deadlines, you'll only end up really hating him and that is far worse than finishing things with a level head.

randommoment · 03/12/2011 09:49

You know what you should do in your heart of hearts OP. Putting it off because divorce is hideous only means it'll be even longer before you can start moving on.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2011 10:29

Yes, they are being a bit harsh. I wonder why. Have you annoyed people on previous threads?

I don't think "some people have it worse" is any reason to put up with unhappiness. Obviously, though, if you have children together and/or other commitments it isn't as easy as just waving goodbye, you have to think about what's wrong and whether it's fixable. If only one of you is prepared to do the fixing, that really isn't hopeful.

Randommoment is right, divorce may be hideous but when NOT getting divorced is even more hideous, what can you do?

Original poster
meandmypickle · 03/12/2011 19:10

Thanks for all your comments. I don't feel able to do anything before xmas - we'd both have to stay in the house and we have visitors so it would be unbearable. Anyway, it's only a few weeks and I've said i'll give it a bit longer, so i will. No deadline, as no point really.
It's just so hard to know what the alternative would be like and i worry so much about the impact of ds (5). H does have some positives however not sure they outweigh the negatives... and not sure if being alone with ds would be a happier alternative

OP posts:
Original poster
meandmypickle · 05/12/2011 09:33

That's part of it though, I don't know if being divorced from him would be less hideous..and in some ways i'm terrified of being alone with ds. However i just feel so lonely and trapped with h. Then he can be nice (he scraped the ice of my car this morning as i'd lost my scraper and he gives me back rubs) and i wonder if im expecting too much?
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
meandmypickle · 05/12/2011 15:44

bump..

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 05/12/2011 17:13

Does the good outweigh the bad? Do you wake up next to him in the morning, glance over and think "yes, that is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?" And if not, can you think of anything he or you could/would do to change that?

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 05/12/2011 17:23

tbh, no one can answer that for you really. Its what you feel about it that counts.

You sound as though you know you don't want to be with him and frida is right...can you imagine this for the rest of your life.

personally, I chose to risk being on my own and haven't looked back since (despite a lot of drunken sobbing whilst watching romantic films in those early days!!)

set your self a goal of what you want your life to be like in 5 years and start heading towards it. Either with or without hubby.

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