Were these warning signs?

[meandmypickle]

Briefly - been with h 10 years , very volatile relationship. split up before and got back together. 1 ds.

very early on in our relationship, i smoked occasionally - h didn't like it - he threw away my cigarettes without asking me. His reason "it was bad for me"
Also we worked together and he told out boss (he was alot more senior than me, if its relevant) that it it was a problem us being together, we could both just leave (i'd nver suggested to him i'd leave)

Just thinking if these things happened now, i'd not be happy - but i just accepted (almost flet flattered by )them at the time

Hi Pickle, Frida's got a good point. I can't think of anything to add, except that the whole tone of your posts strike me as very low-key, and I'm wondering if you're actually a bit clinically depressed - or were you always a 'drifting along with the flow' type of personality? The sort of person to whom life happens, rather than who makes active choices?

Frida - waking up with him doesn't really apply as we rarefly sleep together and have only had sex 4/5 times in last 2 years (my choice)
random - don't think i'm depressed - just tired and fed up with it all. seen various caounsellors, both together and separately and any changes are very short lived. can't talk to him as he doesn't really see a problem from his side and justs angry, defensive, or walks off if he doesn't like what i'm saying

so what will you be doing to change this?

If it makes you this unhappy then you need to change things.

Have you tried separation? Would you have somewhere to go or would he be willing to leave? Have you spoken to him about this being a real possibility?

I do really feel for you because, like random, I can really sense the sadness and the flatness in your posting...like your stuffing has all gone.

have you tried going to your GP?

The thought that came to my mind was 'narcissist'.

Does that ring any bells?

Remember control comes out of fear. What is his dear mother like, his family of origin like?

Unfortunately neither of us has anywhere to go. I've discussed it with a solicitir and we would hav to sell our house to fund 2 smaller ones.
yes i've spoken to him about it lots of times over th last few years (i did leave him for a short time once but missed him and went back). I don't feel he takes it very seriously or he says he just doesn't know whay to do. he also claims he doesn't know what i want, despite me telling him over and over and having been through it all several times in counselling. I's currently having cbt (for myself) to try to clarify things but don't feel its going very well atm.I haven't told h as he would probably then blame all our problems on me.Narcissism doesn't really ring that true, although he has no social involvement himself with anyone outside work, ie no friends. sees parents occasionally and no real relatiosnhip with his brother

You haven't mentioned any dcs. Do you have any children to take into account?

yes, as i said in an earlier post , we have 1 ds(5)

Sorry, so you did - . How's he coping with the stress in the household?

"his refusal to discuss things when he's had enough/can't see the point/doesn't like waht he's hearing, etc. he used to storm off and then come back expecting all to be fine. If i wanted to continue the discussion, he's either shout or leave again. he rarely leaves now, just refuses to discuss, shouts or dismisses what i' saying."

Pickle this is known as 'Stonewalling' and is a marriage KILLER. The (usually) wife attempts to bring up a problem to be resolved and the (usually) man becomes flooded with anxiety and goes to huge lengths to block her.

Not being heard or acknowledged is very painful and the wife ends up giving up and withdrawing: the END of the marriage. THIS is why most divorces are initiated by women and men are very puzzled as to why it has happened to them.

Please google/Youtube John Gottman.

Also your passivity really needs to be worked on. You have trained him to know that he doesn't have to change - you will always come back he just has to wait.
Do you work? Do you have outside interests?

Please know that all of these observations are made with me firmly looking in the mirror. Work on yourself first instead of trying to 'change' him.

My last suggestion is: book an IMAGO weekend for you both. Take this leadership! It is a seriously beautiful experience, where you learn about the 'power struggle' (like leaving him to try and make him change) and he will be put into very unthreatening situations where he HAS to listen to you and show you that he has heard you - and likewise. They are expensive (£500) and you will have to get someone to have your child for the weekend) but they are very, very powerful and much cheaper than a) a divorce and b) a miserable life. Good luck.

Thanks for your suggestions re imago. However it's not really an option for us - firstly noone to have ds for the wekdend and secondly we've had loads, and i means loads of counselling and nay changes are short lived. I know he can't/won't change, - counsellors agreed.
I have (very) small business that i started and see friends without him so yes, i do have outside interests.
One counsellor observed that h is incredibly satisfied with himself.
Another issue is his lack of effort in social situations, so much so that i find it embarrassing :(. Small example but if someone says "how are you" to him, he rarelt asks it back, etc.

There needs to be some spark of fire somewhere in our relationships, and it strikes me that it's gone out for both of you. Time to go I think.

meandmypickle I am in a very very very similar situation. But not deflated yet. I am a bit but I am also angry and determined to resolve it one way or another. I have the DH stonewalling completely, most discussions end up with him leaving half way and refusing to talk saying "the problem is that you want to talk and I want to act", which is also not true because if I do not open the subject he will ignore it, cook a meal and think everything is alright again when nothing really has changed. His fear which emerges as control and his mother was and his indeed a control freak. He has refused to aknowledge my feelings and needs for ages.

I can see that you are confused. So am I. Sometimes I seem all ready to go and other I have doubts: I could see us together if only we would do more things together. DH does not seem interested thought so I am thinking what's the point. A point that stroke a cord: you said he is nice, he scraped the ice off my car and gives me back massages. I mean, no offence but those things should be daily bread. I am saying this because I say similar things to myself and then I think, but I do all this and more... are we begging for crumbs here. I am not sure. The self esteem goes and you cannot say whether you are being selfish or a doormat!

A question to those of you who have taken a decision: is it really possible to take a decision and separate before things get really bad? That is what I'd want to do, but if a dither is it because I still have hope or because I am scared of the upheaval? (I am not scared of being alone with DDs. I worry about their lives being disrupted and the pain it would cause them. And I am sad about the what could have been).

Okay, I might get flamed here, but could your DH be on theAutistic spectrum? Does he know you are a separate person with separate feelings?

Wow! All these labels flying about. My soon to be xh did the stonewalling thing. He always had and probably always will. I am so much happier without him. He is still in my life due to ds but I only have to deal with his lies and constant head in the sand rarely now. I spent a few years trying to resolve this problem and we too had counceling (which he lied all the way through). There will come a day where it suddenly dawns on you that enough is enough and no matter what anyone says or how good the advice is it wont make it happen before you are ready. Probably the only thing to do is to be honest with yourself. Look at the facts, write them down.

Good luck

Thanks for your responses. I'm feeling very down today, very bad head and little sleep.
Allquiet - sorry to hear you're in the same situation. Interesting what you say about being "selfish" or a "doormat". I've lived with this situation so long now i don't know if what i feel is unreasonable or expecting too much. My h would also do the same thing , ignoring a subject unless i bring it up, he might try to say the right things, agree to what i say sometimes, but then nothing will change (or occasionally it will for a very short time).
Re autism - one of the counsellors suggested h could be aspergic and he does have a few of the traits, and acknowledges this. However, whether he is or isn't aspergic doesn't really change the situation

The Aspergers thing just might help you. Because if he is, and that is causing the behaviour....HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. Which might be a relief. Its not you, its him.

You just need to make the decision now.

Thanks Mummytime. He has this way of making me think all the issues are my fault and i'd feel like this with anyone. he uses the fact that i was married before and lived with someone esle and left both of them as evidence

Has he ever had a serious relationship before? No? Well who has the problem with relationships then?
But when (hopefully not if)you move on, you might want to get some counselling if just to ensure you don't make the same mistakes again.

He had had relationships before. He lived with 2 girls before me - one left him soon afer he proposed, the second killed herself :(. His next relatioship, he mainly only saw her at weekends as they lived in different towns, he left her when he met me.
I'm having cbt at the moment

Woken up with such a heavy feeling in my head. we're still hardly talking - he'll ask me if i had a good day, and offerred me a foot massage last night - in some ways good but as someone else said he's alos ignoring the actual issues and just wants to get back to "normal". Got cbt appt today so will discuss there too.