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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do?

31 replies

Lia1977 · 02/12/2011 17:38

Ok, this is the deal: Im married and he's married. The problem is we arent married to eachother. He's the landscaper of the development where I live and we started talking and we've had sex twice. The second time he actually wasnt able to "perform" iyswim. My issue with this is that he never makes contact with me. He never texts me (he says that he's scared that my DH will see the messages) and he only calls me when I send him a txt. My question is: is he using me just for sex? It is obvious that I dont want a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship but I do think we could talk to eachother once in a while. Please refrain from making judgements because I KNOW i shouldnt be cheating but my marriage is complicated and in fact ive caught my DH cheating on me (more than once!).

OP posts:

Leverette · 02/12/2011 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 02/12/2011 17:49

come back when you have decided what to do about your marriage

Conflugenglugen · 02/12/2011 17:52

Yes, I think he's using you for sex, Lia1977.

Original poster

Lia1977 · 02/12/2011 17:52

Thank u for ur answers. Splitting up from my DH isnt an option because we've got too much at stake. I left him over summer but decided to go back as i dont think i would be able to cope (mostly financially).

OP posts:

izzywhizzysmincepies · 02/12/2011 17:57

As you very well know, he is using you for sex. The question is what are you using him for?

I make no judgement about your infidelity as it's entirely up to you if you want to put yourself up to be a wank sock for this man, or any other man, while you remain married to and living with your husband and, presumably, having sex with him.

You say it's obvious that you 'dont want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship'. It isn't so obvious from where I'm sitting as it seems to me that in saying 'I do think we could talk to each other once in a while' you are looking/hoping/wanting for more than the occasional no-strings, no questions asked, furtive shag when opportunity arises.

You say your marriage is ''complicated'. I say it's only as 'complicated' as you want it to be or, more properly, as you allow it to be.

You haven't mentioned whether you have dc. If you have, all I can say is that I feel extremely sorry for them.

GnomeDePlume · 02/12/2011 18:00

You are both behaving disgracefully. End one relationship before you start another. I have no sympathy for you.

lazarusinNazareth · 02/12/2011 18:01

If you can't face ending your marriage then end this. It's getting you nowhere and it seems like you are investing too much emotion in it. What did you think he wanted from you? What did you want from him? Whatever it was I don't think it was what you are getting.

GnomeDePlume · 02/12/2011 18:01

Oh yes, I judge you and find you guilty.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 02/12/2011 18:02

This man is using you for sex but, from your last post, you appear to be using your DH for money.

Or am I reading that wrongly??

you need to sort your marriage out first.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 02/12/2011 18:18

You've put it in a nutshell, Chestnuts

It seems to me that the OP is using her dh as an atm machine until a better prospect comes into view.

Unfortunately, the landscape gardener is only interested in sowing his seeds in any old hole patch of ground that happens to be available.

Original poster

Lia1977 · 02/12/2011 19:24

I think you are right when you say that Ive invested too much emotion in this but I disagree when it is implied that Im with my DH because of £ and that im only waiting for a better prospect. If that was the case I wouldnt be shagging the gardener, whose salary is partly paid by me!!

OP posts:

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 02/12/2011 19:28

TheOriginalFAB · 02/12/2011 19:31

You have been to bed twice and shagged once so hardly using you for sex or overwhelmed with lust. You are married so remember your vows and grow up.

GypsyMoth · 02/12/2011 19:34

You are behaving like a trollop!

You sound easy..

GypsyMoth · 02/12/2011 19:35

Oh, and have you thought about sti's? What if his wife or your husband got one?

scarletforya · 02/12/2011 19:38

He couldn't even get it up ? I don't understand the point of this....erm.. affair? It sounds like you are way more into it than him.

He doesn't even sound all that interested OP.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 02/12/2011 19:46

Women like you make me sick I'm afraid. Are you so selfish that you can't think of the innocent party in all this. His poor wife.
Grow a backbone, sort your own life out, leave your cheating DH and get some self respect!

buzzswellington · 02/12/2011 20:04

If you didn't particularly enjoy the experience of being cheated on by your husband, why are you doing the same thing to some other woman?

You're doing all the chasing of your gardener - so that tells you he'll take it if it's on offer, but if it isn't he isn't fussed. He's not that into you.

And neither is your husband.

Barreal · 02/12/2011 21:07

'Wank sock' LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Too funny.

Barreal · 02/12/2011 21:10

p.s I have no sympathy for you, either.
He is married. Whilst your relationship might be rotten to the core yet you will stay for financial reasons, his might not, he's probably just one of the thousand of badkfjakas dicks out there cheating on their wives, and she might be thinking he's the best thing on planet earth, and there you are having sex with another man's wife.
Shame on you.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 02/12/2011 22:21

The fact that he couldn't get it up the second time suggests that he may have been afflicted by an attack of the guilts.

That needn't worry you, other than you are obviously not getting your money's worth from that proportion of the service charges you. or your dh as the case may, are paying for his rotivating skills.

He's ploughed your furrow once and it's clear that his oxen weren't up for another tilling.

I suggest you look off campus for a suitable pole to scratch your itch on if your dh isn't up to the job either.

eandz · 02/12/2011 22:58

i just don't understand whats wrong with getting a sex toy?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2011 00:10

"Splitting up from my DH isnt an option because we've got too much at stake. I left him over summer but decided to go back as i dont think i would be able to cope (mostly financially)."

"I disagree when it is implied that Im with my DH because of £ and that im only waiting for a better prospect"

Maybe it's just me, but these two statements seem a mite contradictory.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 03/12/2011 03:17

All you are seeing is £££s signs, honey.

And there's nothing wrong with that as long you realise that Daddy Wabrucks isn't going to come along and rescue the likes of someone like you.

If you want to be in with chance, hide those signs you've got for eyes..

izzywhizzysmincepies · 03/12/2011 03:22

the signs being £ or $ or euro or yen, baht, etc.

Do you take American Express?

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