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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop the rot

30 replies

whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:04

Namechanged for this.

BF of 2 odd years and I are at each others throats constantly. I still have a lot of feelings for him but just don't know how to help us. We just keep going round and round in circles.

Will reveal whatever is asked of me, so not drip feeding etc.

Do any of you wise MNers have any techniques etc. to use to get past this huge stumbling block?

We're going away for the weekend in a last ditch attempt to salvage things.

OP posts:
Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:12

(apart from my user name of course)

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rightchoice · 01/12/2011 23:16

Sounds to me like you are both in the habit of speaking to each other in such a negative way that you both fight back. It probably gets you nowhere, and robs you of your time, and leaves you feeling unhappy. Do you have some resentment against him, or him against you. Often arguements are acutally about something completely different to what you are supposedily arguing about right now. You will both have to drop the resentment if you want to stay together and be happy. You will need to treat each other with respect and start to have fun. Is this possible, or are you too unhappy??

Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:19

I'd love it to be so rightchoice, I also know its me that's holding onto the resentment Sad

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rightchoice · 01/12/2011 23:20

Come on then spill, what are you resentful about.

Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:24

Right here goes.

The age old problem I guess in feeling that he doesn't emotionally support me. I also feel he's always having a go at me in some sort of way. When I pull him up on it he say's, "I was Joking"

Well I didn't find it ruddy funny!

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rightchoice · 01/12/2011 23:29

Some blokes just don't understand how to do the emotional support bit , they really don't. They either want to fix things when all we want to do is talk, have a cuddle, and feel that they are there for us. Now if he is having a go at you, THATS DIFFERENT, and then to pretend after he was only joking is tantamount to telling you you are an idiot and you mis understood him. I am not surprised you are struggling with this. What does he have go at you over, and what gives him that right?

Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:34

He has a very straight deadpan face also, so I really don't know whether he's joking or not.

For instance, we had a bit of a fight the other day and he went back to his dads to cool off which is fine (sometimes) we had been corresponding a bit etc.

He has keys and came to mine the other afternoon after two night shifts. I get a text saying..... "Up late were we, the place is in a right state!x"

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rightchoice · 01/12/2011 23:39

Hang on, have I got this right, he has keys to your place, presumably he does not live with you then, and has the nerve to TEXT you to point out your home is a mess?? Am I reading this right??

Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:39

I call him then "to explain" which makes me feel as if I've done something wrong. He then tells me I've left the heating on (so what it's my bloody heating), He then goes on to say "see you've given your DS that Acer tablet then have you" All very negative comments. I start getting angry but think, just leave it, you're being too sensitive. We go out for a couple of drinks (he doesnt drink squillions but likes a few after nightshifts). After a couple of wines it all comes rolling out of my mouth...

Sorry, if I've done a cross post with you but I'm trying to give better examples.

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Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:40

Yes, he stays over 3 days a weeks.

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rightchoice · 01/12/2011 23:47

This just doesn't sound like a recipe for success. You don't live together, he is critical and neither of you are happy. He is not the father of your DS, and he has access to your home. Where does he live, does he have a house/flat or is he still living with his father? You need to listen to your gut on this one. I think you know the score. Good luck with the weekend away, but honestly........ the writing is on the wall, don't buy in to it, you don't need to 'explain' to him either, if he doesn't like it, he knows what to do.

Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:53

Yes, maybe this will be the last "revisit" for me. I'm not innocent in all this though as I end up saying some absolutely dreadful things to him. Called him a "cunt" the other night (thanks mumsnet Smile. I sometimes feel that I verbally abuse him to get back at him for what he does/says to me.

See, it's just going round and round in some sort of loop isn't it. Because he's hurting me (not one to cry) I get really angry then get the blame.

Am I making sense here.

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Original poster
whataruddymess · 01/12/2011 23:56

He's going through a divorce at the mo so staying between his dads and mine. I won't live with anyone until my DS is off my hands, DS is 13.

He is fab about the divorce and is negotiating very well with his ex, he has never said a bad word about her and has a good relationship with his kids. He also works in the firebrigade and has another job so is very often tired. I feel a bit resentful about only seeing him after 9pm most evenings as well.

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rightchoice · 01/12/2011 23:57

Look, it will go round in circles, because you don't like each other! You are horrible to him, he is horrible to you. You say cruel and vile things to each other, and probably neither of you feel good about it after. Until you can both treat each other properly and how the other would like to be treated you will fester, both of you, this is is not a good example to DS. You guys don't need time together, you both need time apart to get some perspective back, and to understand what normal is!! What on earth is in it for either of you?

rightchoice · 02/12/2011 00:01

He is going through a divorce, staying at yours three nights and is horrible to you and never says a bad word against the ex, but rubbishes your standards.... hope the alarm bells are ringing loud and clear. Again what is in it for you????

Original poster
whataruddymess · 02/12/2011 00:04

Thanks rightchoice. Was feeling a bit like I was going mad. Seeing it all in black and white shows me that this is just not healthy at the moment. Time apart is definitely the way to go. Smile

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Tryharder · 02/12/2011 00:10

I disagree that he's too critical or nasty. I think this is just how some people talk and banter is required. For example, he texts you to say the place is a mess. Rather than you getting upset, you text back and say that in that case, you expect him to have the place clean by the time you get back...

These sorts of comment would not upset me at all. I don't think he is trying to upset you at all, it's just his way of putting things.

rightchoice · 02/12/2011 00:11

You go girl, this is not good for you or DS. He may be ae hunk, don't know, but he needs to sort out what else is going on for him, and be in a good place, and free before he comes into your life. What right does he have to mess you up like this. Chances are, you will help him through his divorce and then he will just do a runner, telling you that you fight too much. Don't be used and dont let him drag you down being critical. And by the way don't sink to his level. Your DS will be watching, the whole point of not living with any one is because DS is 13, but in reality three nights a week is not too far off living together. And it is dragging you down.....You can do better than this. xxx

rightchoice · 02/12/2011 00:14

But he doesn't live there, so he is not going to clean up. And the whole point of her OP is that he is upsetting her.

Original poster
whataruddymess · 02/12/2011 00:14

What was in it for me....

I'm not getting any younger.
Was on dating sites for quite a while and boy did I meet some freaks.
Along came bf who at the beginning was great to be with and soo normal compared to what I was meeting.
He's also generous and kind in other ways.

I was also sold down the river on eventually retiring out of London once kids were off our hands, etc. etc.

Know I'll be fine though, just feel very disappointed.

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Original poster
whataruddymess · 02/12/2011 00:17

Yes, tryharder I also have a very dry sense of humour but somehow, and i can't put my finger on it, It's not funny coming from him.

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Original poster
whataruddymess · 02/12/2011 00:18

Or maybe it's just not funny anymore?

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Original poster
whataruddymess · 02/12/2011 00:20

I'm also upsetting him too and am not at all proud of it.

In his defence, he's a total blokey bloke and probably doesnt realise what he's doing.

He also never raises his voice, unlike myself Sad

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rightchoice · 02/12/2011 00:30

It truly doesn't sound like solid grounds to me. Can you honestly move forward with someone who drives you nuts, and then makes you think he just doesn't realise what he is doing?? He must realise if it pushes you to the point of screaming at him surely. Do you honestly want to live like this, surely it would be better to be on your own rather than screaming and shouting. If you know he is a blokey bloke - what you see is what you get.

Original poster
whataruddymess · 02/12/2011 00:37

Yep, what I see is definitely what I get rightchoice.

In all honesty I don't think it's enough for me, maybe in my 20's but not now.

Will go get some sea air on the weekend, it will do us both good (we never fight when away for some reason).

Sit down in a neutral environment and see if we can come up with a plan. Maybe a month apart or him just dating me a night or two a week for a while and see.

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