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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to let this man go or it is going to destroy me

35 replies

Letmegopleaseletmego · 01/12/2011 21:04

i have posted a couple of times before about this,but since doing so more things have happened that I can't get out of my head.
I met a man who I fell in love with,he would not commit despite promising me the world.I fell for it completely.
I have tried to move on and let go but he disappears for a while and then starts to text me again.
Anyway,I found out recently he had a serious gf,and that she is now pregnant.I congratulated him and wished him all the best-even though this broke my heart.
We stayed in contact and hd started to ask me to meet him again,I refused as I know what he means by this,we had a bit of a txt argument and he tells me the gf already has a 16 year old son.I told him never to contact me again as this was too much to deal with-he basically told me he didn't want kids and could never be with someone who had kids already.
He continued to txt me,I ignore him,until Tuesday,I td him I had enough of the hassling etc,and that I needed him to let me go I needed to move on from this.this turned into another argument where I now discover the gf is 10 years older than me-and him-and that she actually has 4 children already.
He also realised I have met someone casually but who treats me well-and called me a slut and some terrible things-which I'm not.
This man is refusing to let me move on from him.
Not necessarily asking for advice,but need to write this down as my close friends won't even tolerate the mention of his name

OP posts:
SkinnedAlive · 01/12/2011 21:05

(((((Lots and lots of virtual hugs))))

Onemorning · 01/12/2011 21:10

((((big squeezy hugs))))

SirSugar · 01/12/2011 21:12

Your thread title states 'You' have to let him go; your thread states 'He' needs to let you go.

You know the answer, you're an intelligent woman; only You can move on from this

lemonstartree · 01/12/2011 21:12

you talk about "letting him go" as though its a huge effort. I haven't read your back story, but from what you have written here telling him to fuck off to the far side of Fuck and when he gets there to fuck off some more, would be a better response.

Hes harassing you - tell him to fuck off and MEAN it, tell him you will contact the Police if he continues to harass you - ad DO it. Rid yourself of this waste of air, and move on with your life!

ArtVandelay · 01/12/2011 21:13

Change your phone numbers and email. The phone company should be pretty understanding if you tell them you are being harrassed. Speak to Women's Aid and the Police if he keeps trying to contact you after that.

FabbyChic · 01/12/2011 21:15

He isnt refusing to let you move on you are, change your mobile phone number and home phone number. That should give him the message. He wants someone who he can run to when he needs someone, when he needs a shag, he thinks that should be you.

Show him you mean business, ring your network provider and they will change your number within minutes if Vodafone and hours if other providers.

JeremyVile · 01/12/2011 21:15

Wont let you move on?

Call your phone provider and have his numver blocked, even better change you number.

Block his emails.

Send him one last message along the lines of: i do not want any further contact with you, if you continue to contact me i will conside it to be harrassment and take appropriate action. This is the last time i will communicate with you.

Original poster
Letmegopleaseletmego · 01/12/2011 21:19

Yes,I can see the confusion with the thread title etc.
What i mean is that I want to move on from him,and I thought I was succeeding,but by contacting me I feel like he's not allowing me to IYSWIM?
I realise I can make my own choices but it's as if he has a spell on me-I know that sounds stupid I just can't think of another way to put it.it's like he will only stop when he wants to and fuck any feelings I have

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 01/12/2011 21:22

CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER IF YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2011 21:25

What Fabby says. Block, delete, change email address and phone number. If he gets in touch with you, tell him you will contact his girlfriend unless he fucks off.

I'm with your friends on this.

Beckamaw · 01/12/2011 21:32

I had a similar psycho ex and did the following:
Asked my work IT dept to block his emails
Told him I had changed my number (but didn't really)
Told him I would contact police if he continued to harass me.

It worked.

ArtVandelay · 01/12/2011 21:36

Its not in his interests to 'allow' you to move on, is it? So he's just going to keep on messing about with you if he can.

Imagine the fun when he tries this and gets 'di daw di... number is out of service'. Its not romantic - he's harrassing you because he's horrible.

Original poster
Letmegopleaseletmego · 01/12/2011 21:38

I know what you are all saying is right,I know my friends were right all along.
Why couldn't I see any of it though?
It has made me constantly on edge about the new guy-I told him a bit about him and he said he would never treat me like that.I feel like he might end it at any time even though he has never hinted anything of the sort.
This ex has fucked my head up like nobody I have ever met!

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 01/12/2011 21:42

The bloke is a complete arsehole. As suggested change your number and any other means of contact so he can't get hold of you and you're not tempted to get hold of him.

To those suggesting womens aid and the police at this stage, shall we call for the fucking army too whilst we're at it!? Jesus wept there's so much melodrama and over reaction it's unreal. At what point do people not get the reality that finite resources needlessly used detract from genuine cases that may need them. There is no evidence in any of the posts that either of these agencies need be involved. Get a grip and stop undermining the work these professionals do.

ArtVandelay · 01/12/2011 21:54

Sparks noone has said call the police now! If OP changes her contact infomation then he should give up. If he doesn't I do think she would be wise to speak to the Police. Harrassment is a crime - just like burglary etc. and so falls under their remit.

Right now he's just a pain but people shouldn't forget that 2 women per week are murdered by current or ex partners and therefore if their situation has crossed the line into harrassment they should not feel any stigma around seeking help.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2011 21:59

YOu don't even have to chage your number

Just delete all his communications before you even read them

reading them lets him back into your headspace

I am afraid you are going to drive away your nice new bf if you carry on like this

Any decent bloke would not start a relationship with someone so clearly still controlled by their ex

You can see what he is doing dispassionately, so start applying the smae mindset to yourself...

disengage

disentangle

^don't give him the fucking time of day

I refuse to allow you say it isn't possible

it is perfectly possible...if you really want it

babyhammock · 01/12/2011 22:09

Great advice from AF
He's a patholigical liar and a monumental headffuck who has weedled his way under your skin with lie after lie.. You have to go no contact completely. He doesn't care, he doesn't have a conscience.

Sparks1 · 01/12/2011 22:09

I completely agree Art but the predisposition to call for the calvary when it's not needed is so counter productive. Fact of the matter is these vital support networks are under resourced and the situation is likely to only get worse.

Each " Over reaction" results in lost time and resources that could have been spent on a case that does merit the resources and more to the point saves pain,hurt and lives.

In this case it sounds like the OP needs to grow some self belief and just cut this taunt from her life.

dreamingbohemian · 01/12/2011 22:14

I don't know if this will help but...

Experiments on rats/mice have shown that when they had food withheld and it was only given at completely unpredictable times and with unpredictable amounts, they would end up going batshit insane.

This is, in effect, what he's done to you for a long time.

But you must not play the victim and act helpless. You CAN let him go. It will take time but you can. The first step is to block his number or change yours, because you need to stop the inflow of communication from him. If you do that, over time the obsession will fade.

If you feel really psychologically unable to cut off contact with him, then you really need to get some counseling NOW, because you have developed some seriously destructive mental habits that you need help to change.

Smokers need help to quit, right? Well you might need help getting rid of your bad habit. But you need to do it.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2011 22:20

I think the OP has it within herself to cut him dead

she hasn't done that yet

if, and until, she does do that properly and consistently then he wil get mixed messages, and feel himself entitled to keep tormenting her

I don't feel he should have that entitlement (and my temptation would be to simply knee cap him)....but Op has admitted she keeps engaging with him, despite having apparently moved on

there is no reason for this, if you don't have dc together

Op...you are a grown woman, you should sort this

if you really cannot, because you are genuinely in fear of what he will do, then by all means take out a restraining order against him

I am afraid though, that while you are voluntarily engaging with him, the powers-that-be will have the same advice as me

EleanorRathbone · 01/12/2011 22:23

Another vote for you taking control of this situation and your life.

Get yerself down to a counsellor, it will probably help. And take some control of your life. Block his number and e-mails.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 01/12/2011 22:34

I was in a similar situation last year. I knew he had a gf, but what started off as mates having a drink went too far. I think that was always his intention now, and I was so dumbstruck that he wanted me in the first place that I just went with it.

It didn't take long for me to realise that he only wanted me for sex. Even then i still went with it. Even when i wasn't allowed to be friends with him on fb, even when he'd blank me when i saw him at work and even when he more or less deny my existence.

I got sick of being invisible, but he was like a drug, and everytime we'd fall out he'd come crawling back, txting and ringing me and most times i'd give in.

Then his split with his gf, and for a brief moment i was excited, but i soon realised that it still made no difference. He didn't want people to know he would been seen dead with me, it was suddenly so obvious.

He then got a new gf, and within a few weeks of them getting together, he was back messaging me, wanting to come round.

I did the only thing i knew would get him out of my life for good. I told his new and old gf's excatly what he'd been up to.
He was angry, said that i'd always said I wouldn't tell a soul, and he thought we were friends.

It worked though, he has not contacted me since and goes out of his way to avoid me if i go to where he works.

The thing is, you have to be ready to make the change. Until you are ready to do something about it then you will keep slipping back into accepting contact from him.

Good luck

seriouschanger · 01/12/2011 22:37

OK I know your situation different to mine but something made me think....

The same month I stopped answering the phone to my ex to get abused was the same month he started attacking my home.

In your situation you may provoke him to start stalking you which is far worse than texts. I read somewhere because trying to block the person they will go to the next level of stalking. It suggested keeping the phone and the 'texting' in your case might be enough to keep this man at arms length. Delete the texts without looking at them or save them if needed if he does get worse. But I am worried if you block him at this level it may push him up a level as he will be angry....ifgwim! Threatening with police may work also?

suburbophobe · 01/12/2011 22:38

^He also realised I have met someone casually but who treats me well-and called me a slut and some terrible things-which I'm not.
This man is refusing to let me move on from him^

You have your own life in your own hands. No man can let you refuse to "let me move on from him" unless you let him....

If he calls you a slut that is his problem, not yours. Don,t rise to the bait. He,s just jealous and controlling.

It is NOT LOVE!

Do you really want to be with a man who calls you vile names like "slut"?!

No, thought not.

Take it easy with new man. You don't want a repeat - charming man who turns into a creep.... (not saying he is, IYKWIM)...

Just take it slow. Bin the old, check out the new.

carantala · 01/12/2011 23:01

Hi OP So sorry that you are so upset!

Wish that there was an "unlove" button that we could push within our brains!

Try and stay strong and listen to the good advice which you will receive from MNs

Best wishes