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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pals who aren't married and don't have kids.............................

31 replies

ssd · 07/01/2006 08:49

I'm nearly 40 and my friend for years has been acting really off. She is really off with me and I feel our friendship is disappearing. I never rub it in that she's single, I'm a lot more sensitive than that. I didn't get married till almost 30, I know what it's like to feel your the only one still single.

But now I am married with kids I feel like she expects me to apologise that I'm happy and pander to her that she's not. After a long time I've realised she's probably not had a long relationship cos of her moods, she can really be moody and stroppy and make you feel like she hates you. Eg. if she calls when I'm putting the kids to bed and dh tells her this she goes "well tell her to call me when she HAS got time" and hangs up on him! FGS I'm only putting my kids to bed not out at some wild party.......
I know when you've not got kids it's hard to imagine what it's like but I feel as she's getting older she's becoming really bitter and moody and I can't be bothered with her. That may sound harsh but over the years she's always been short with me and I've tried to keep her moods up and I feel with 2 kids and an elderly mum to look after I haven't got the energy to pander to her anymore.

OP posts:

oops · 07/01/2006 08:56

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oops · 07/01/2006 08:56

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Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2006 08:59

I know that post might make me sound hard but I just wondered if anyone else is in this postion. I know lifes change and we change too, I had my friend over the other night with another friend who's pregnant and the friend I'm talking about made it really clear she couldn't be bothered staying and left early. Me and my preggers friend said to her "what's wrong" and she just said "I'm tired" which is fair enough. So preggers friend was saying lets all go out window shopping this weekend and my friend went NO straight away like coming out with us would kill her. But I know for a fact she's got a week off work and probably hasn't much to do so surely a bit of company would be better than none? She lives alone and often says she wishes she had company but then when she's offered company she turns you down like she can't stand you.

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EatDrinkAndBeAMerryPip · 07/01/2006 09:11

ssd, where´s the friendship in your relationship? It sounds like you´re the one making all the effort. Do you really need friends like this? Life is too short. I realise that it´s difficult when you´ve been friends for years, but you´re hardly getting any enjoyment out of meeting up with her are you?

On the other hand, if she is usually lovely and has just been behaving like this more recently then she could be having problems, or be suffering from depression. In that case then I would try and see her through it. If she´s always been difficult then perhaps it´s time to let go and move on.

beansprout · 07/01/2006 09:19

Blimey, sounds like you are dealing with another child!! Quite honestly, she sounds envious, perhaps even jealous of you. That is her stuff. As you say, you don't rub it in but you can't apologise or deny it for her benefit.

Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2006 10:01

she's been like this off and on for years.

I feel like probably I need her more than she needs me, I'm a SAHM and I find although I know loads of people with kids, I don't have that many long term friends. But she works full time and has more relatives near than me so has a wider circle of friends. Or maybe not, I don't know.
I just feel she's been a pretty crap friend to me and the good times are being outweighed by the bad.

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oops · 07/01/2006 10:08

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mummytosteven · 07/01/2006 10:32

she sounds like hard work. possibly depressed. I would give yourself a break from her, see what happens, whether she bothers to contact you.

lockets · 07/01/2006 10:44

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WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 10:44

I would drop her personally, she sounds toxic. Concentrate on friends who are happy for you.

lockets · 07/01/2006 10:46

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mummytosteven · 07/01/2006 10:53

lockets . putting the kindest construction on it, does the woman desperately want a baby, and is jealous? i just have difficulty getting my head round anyone so self centred that they would be furious at their best pal's partner getting PG....

lockets · 07/01/2006 11:16

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Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2006 11:18

well to make things worse, I've just spoken to preggers friend.

she told me whilst I was putting the kids to bed my other friend was telling her she was out the night before with childless friends, I mean sitting in someone's house (like last night at mine), not out on the town, and she had a BRILLIANT time, stayed there till 2 am, had a great laugh etc etc, in other words me and preggers friend bored her senseless and she couldn't wait to leave at half 10.

And the bit about being tired doesn't wash, she's off work for a weeks leave. Even if I was tired I would stay longer than half 10, am a bit hurt TBH.

Feel like telling her to F. off now, will deffo cool things down a big bit.

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WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 11:37

ssd, I think once you have children it is possible to stay friends with people who are childless but only if they're understanding of the fact that your life is different. it's totally unreasonable of her to expect you to drop putting kids to bed to chat, ditto staying up til 2am. The best revenge is living well, I really would do your best to pity her but let the friendship die a natural death.

Pinotmum · 07/01/2006 11:40

My friend from college days started to exclude me from arrangements as soon as she found out I was pregnant. Over a period of about 4 years it was always me who made the arrangements to meet up never her. Her dp was the same. No idea what life was like with kids. He moaned that one of our friends cancelled on a dinner arrangement at the last minute because his son was sick. Her dp kept saying he should have told him earlier? I tried to get it through that the child had just got sick that afternoon so how could they have cancelled the day before. He was thick as shite though so maybe that compounded the problem. She was very much the sort of person who liked to call the shots and my getting pregnant ruined this. I remember her saying to me before either of us had settled down that if any of her friends got pregnant she would have to find new friends as though making an effort to keep the friendship up was pointless. When I realised I was being dropped like a hot spud I was really hurt for a while but in honesty wouldn't change my life for hers, ever! I now don't have to play down my life and remember not to baby bore her - the friendship became too high maintenance so probably best it died. I'd bin your mate as I have the benefit of hindsight

puff · 07/01/2006 11:51

Agree with www - let it fade away quietly.

My best friend doesn't have a partner or children, but is and always has been fab. We have girly nights out, weekends away plus she babysits for us (overnight too) and has come to the rescue when I have been really ill.

colditz · 07/01/2006 12:09

ssd your mate is a knob. I have a friend whose life couldn't be any more different, she went to university, goes to the gym, riding, executive job etc, and I am a part time care who has a toddler and is preggers.

but we are still very good friends. She understands that when I am busy, I am busy. If I don't call her back, it isn't because I am sitting at home deliberately planning to snub her, it is because ds has thrown up or something!

In return, I understand if she wants to leave my house at 10 pm and go clubbing with other mates who can go, because sitting with two people who talk about 1 subject you are not remotely interested in and don't understand can be boring, like me being stuck in a room with dp and his mate who is car obsessed.

it needs a lot of give from both sides and it sounds like your mate isn't prepared to accept you and your new life.

Tortington · 07/01/2006 12:58

i think you need t gently tell your fiend to fuck off and grow up

Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2006 16:57

puff, re your babysitting friend, my "friend" has never offered to sit for us in nearly 8 years, despite her knowing I have no one to leave my kids with and have never had a night away from my kids in 8 years.

thinking about this today I realise friends like her I don't need.

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Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2006 17:40

must stress I don't expect my friend to babysit I know she has her life, but my God it would be nice to be offered once

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Frizbetheexpansionset · 07/01/2006 17:48

Ditch her, not a necessary person at all, I have serveral friends who are still single, all of whom, still make an effort to get to see me and I also make an effort to get to see them, with or without the kids! she sounds horrible.

Aloha · 07/01/2006 17:57

I have two very old friends who don't have children. Neither is childless by choice, though one came very happily to terms with it a long while ago, while the other can still be pretty wobbly (we are all 42) but they are still very good friends...on the whole. Partly things can be tricky because my children are so young, and I've been pregnant twice in the past five years and had two years when I couldn't really go out properly because I was breastfeeding and had bad sleepers who needed me in the evening, but I do expect that as the children get older then life will be easier and we will be able to meet up, go shopping, have lunches and dinners together like we used to - we even plan a weekend away once I had stopped breastfeeding dd. They take a great interest in all my children (including my stepdaughter) and buy fantastic and thoughtful presents for them. I am sure they find it hard and annoying that uninterrupted phone conversations are harder to come by etc but they cover it up pretty well. I find it annoying myself tbh! I have made them unofficial godparents to my children, as I think it is nice for kids to have childless but child-friendly godparents. So childless friends don't have to be a nightmare. In fact, they need bigger reserves of tolerance than we do, as I know I have not been such a good and committed friend since having kids. I hope to make up for it. But I wouldn't put up with a friend who acted like she hated me!

puff · 07/01/2006 17:57

Quite ssd - I don't expect my mate to either, but it's lovely that she offers.

Original poster

ssd · 08/01/2006 11:26

she sounds nice!

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