suggestions for making other party think it was their idea to end relationship?

[TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat]

So am in ridiculous situation, entirely my fault, engaged to someone I don't very much like. Ideally would tell them the whole thing was a crazy impulse, let them rant and rave a bit and then get back to my own life. But I'm too chicken and also can't bear the thought of how humiliating it would be for him (I don't think it's been two weeks since the happy announcement). So maybe it can fizzle out over a month or so, and maybe by then even he will notice that the happier he becomes the more unhappy and trapped I feel.

I really think he needs to be convinced it was his idea, doesn't handle rejection (or bizarre perceived rejection such as me wanting to visit a friend without him) very well at all. Quick and clean would be great normally but phased and uneventful will do nicely.

don't be ridiculous. just tell him. don't string the poor guy on any longer.

I was all set to 'just tell him', and can't decide if I'm being cowardly or if there are good reasons for feeling scared - not scared that he will do anything to me but he's threatened suicide over far less. I want to be kind to him but also, obviously, want him out too (sleeps here but has perfectly good house of his own).

You're engaged to someone you dont even like?

I would like to thnik there wont be many people here willing to advise someone on how best to further manipulate another person.

thought he might cope better if it felt like it was his idea, am not manipulating him on purpose but have been spineless about keeping him away (he was very keen, pursuing for ages)

so is a stupid idea then?

'perceived rejection such as me wanting to visit a friend without him'
'has threatened suicide over far less'

RED FLAGS RED FLAGS RED FLAGS RED FLAGS!

Clearly you need out and would be mad to marry him. I think perhaps you are being naive to think he will just let it fizzle out. You're going to have to be braver than that I think.

Hopefully someone more experienced with potentially controlling manipulative men will be along in a bit to advise you of your best options

The longer you wait, the more humiliating it becomes. Take action now and don't give any mixed messages.

Just end it. For both of you.

It really doesnt need to be this hard, tell him you dont want to be with him and mean it.

He may well be clingy or melodramatic or whatever but none of those things should dictate how you behave. Start by claiming full responsibility for your own actions - you agreed to get married, you are still in a relationship you dont want, excusing your own part in this because of his behaviour/emotions will just make it harder to take charge of things.

You cant control his reaction, all you can control is what you do.

OP you are not responsible for his mental welfare you know.

If you really feel you need an excuse I suppose you could start a bit of an argument then hand his ring back.

Just do it and get it over with. If he threatens suicide suggest the samaritans and don't rise to it.

This has to be sooner rather than later and to the point, I'm afraid.

I'd prefer it to be over sooner too, but I don't think he will cope at all.

Original plan was to tell him at his place, Friday night, so he can get to grips with it over weekend. I like to think I'd be braver if he was a bit more stable but perhaps that is just an excuse. Am not relishing prospect of dragging it out, was a brainwave this morning. Thought it might be less humiliating because of various engagement celebrations coming up.

So maybe it can fizzle out over a month or so, and maybe by then even he will notice that the happier he becomes the more unhappy and trapped I feel.

So basically, the plan is to act miserable and mopey towards your fiance, making a point of being unhappy but not saying anything, sulking and sighing and passively hoping that he will notice, magically divine your meaning, change his mind about wanting to marry you, and be happy to call the engagement off?

And NO ONE will get hurt, right?

Come on, OP, you KNOW this is not going to work. Even if you did try out your 'be unhappy and hope he notices' plan, it will probably just make him cling tighter. How would you like it if someone treated you like this?

You have foolishly got into a situation where you are engaged to a person you don't wish to marry (how did that happen, BTW?) You have wisely decided not to go through with it. Sadly, there is NO WAY out of this that doesn't involve hurting your fiance's feelings. So be bloody, bold and resolute. You'll feel so much better.

i think it's a really stupid idea yes. sorry.

the thing is, it might not work. you could go on for months and months and all that time he's busy wedding planning etc etc and eventually you WILL have to tell him and then it'll be even worse.

you need to do it sooner rather than later.
threatening suicide is, quite frankly, his problem. although if you know his family/friends then I would tell them to keep an eye on him.

'how did it happen' is a long story really

ok, I could talk to one of his brothers I suppose. They are all a bit scary though. The suicide thing probably is a hollow threat but he has weapons and a history that must raise the risk. It's easy to say it's not my responsibility but it would be, to some extent, wouldn't it?

I can understand what you want to do, and I can understand why - you don't want to hurt him, you don't want him to react badly etc, but I can tell you from experience that it won't work. In fact you are likely to leave him more confused and bewlidered, unsure and insecure than before. This may result in him trying to cling on even tighter to you for reassurance, certainty and security.

You may feel that it is the kindest way to do it, but actually it could be very cruel, and that would be your responsibility

I know that it is hard to disappoint someone who is in love with you, but you must be brave. Be brief and factual. Tell him that you do not love him enough to be married. Tell him the realtionship is over. Unfortunately there is no easy way out, but the only responsibiity you really have is to be truthful, and not to cause him any prolonged hurt.

It's easy to say it's not my responsibility but it would be, to some extent, wouldn't it?

I can see why you would feel that way, - especially if he has put time and effort into making you feel that it would be.

As far as the suicide threat goes, - you're options seem to either be a) accept that it is not your responsibility to keep him from topping himself, or b) marry him and stay with him for ever and ever, and never do anything to piss him off or make him upset because otherwise he might commit suicide.

I think option b is clearly unworkable.

What if I said to you: 'Loving Goat, I want you to marry me. And if you don't I will kill myself and it will be YOUR FAULT. On your own head be it if you turn me down'. Would you feel duty bound to do it? Or would you say 'Piss off, Tigermoll. I'm not going to marry you, and I'm not being held to ransom like that. We've never even met, anyway.'

I've been in a similar situation, albeit many years ago, and it is difficult. You have to end it, and be very clear it. is. over. Because people like this need to know your decision is final as they won't want to believe it. If you're worried he will self-harm, tell one of his family members beforehand so they can keep an eye on him. If he threatens suicide, call the police.

Thanks everyone. Maybe I should stick to my Friday night plan then - definitely don't want to do it at my house because he won't leave and I won't be able to make him. I made a plan, like booking a cab in advance (no phone signal there) so can leave after a couple of hours of talking. I just need a longer term plan for as many eventualities as might come next.

Am really afraid of the suicide threats though. Can't imagine I will actually go through with this but its been helpful to think it out loud and read your responses.

Am really afraid of the suicide threats though.

I can understand that. But unless the way you two met was when you talked him down off a bridge, then it is extremely unlikely that he will do it.

If I was you, I would be ANGRY about suicide threats, they are a cheap and horribly manipulative way to try to get someone under your thumb, and you just should not stand for it.

I did get a bit angry just now, had my phone on silent for a couple of hours of reading and thinking time only to find had missed a text (asking where i was and what time I will be back) and a number of calls from him so he called my daughter and one of my friends to see if I was ok.

I suppose that doesn't sound very terrible but it's on top of a lot of things all happening very quickly. So sent a text saying it is all far too much and not to come round tonight.

Suicide threats can be a sign of emotional abuse.

Read this and see if anything else rings a bell.

If it does, why not call Women's Aid for advice before you talk to him?

I don't think he's violent. There are a few things though, someone on MN there will be my original thread about him stalking me (and how spineless I was/still am) and it's been almost a joke that now he doesn't have to stalk me anymore - except of course he still is. I don't know if that sort of insecurity has to mean danger, but yes I suppose these are the reasons for wanting to plan it carefully.

Brrr....the more you post about this man, the more unpleasant and creepy he sounds. You are doing the RIGHT THING in breaking off the r/ship, and TBH, I'm not sure how much you should concern yourself with how he feels.

He sounds like he's revving up to be controlling, passive aggressive and possessive, - if he's not all those things already.

You don't owe him anything, but you DO owe it to yourself to make yourself happy, secure and positive. It doesn't sound like he is helping towards any of those things.

You could have a word with someone at your local police station and say that you're breaking up with him and you're a bit worried about how he will react - would be good just to talk it over/have someone to contact if he does start harrassing you.

When you do do it, think you will just have to be short and to the point, then don't let yourself get dragged into a discussion about why you can't break up with him. It has to be non-negotiable.

Good luck.

PS: if you are concerned about the breakup (and it sounds like you have good reason, - even without the threat of physical violence, it sounds like he will try to hector, browbeat and punish you) then I'm not sure how good an idea it is to go to his house (where you say there is no mobile signal) and then plan to stay 'for a few hours' to discuss it. That will give him plenty of time to really put you through it, - perhaps even wear you down sufficiently to get some sort of compromise out of you? (ie: have a five year engagement, not be engaged, but still be together, etc) He will have you trapped, to rant, rave, sob beg and generally make you feel like you deserve all that.

Could you not do the breakup in your house, with someone else present? Not necessarily in the room, but in the house. Or get a friend to drop you off and wait in the car?

"definitely don't want to do it at my house because he won't leave and I won't be able to make him"

And you want to risk tying your future together with someone like that?

Run away, run away.