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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

suggestions for making other party think it was their idea to end relationship?

72 replies

TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 10:42

So am in ridiculous situation, entirely my fault, engaged to someone I don't very much like. Ideally would tell them the whole thing was a crazy impulse, let them rant and rave a bit and then get back to my own life. But I'm too chicken and also can't bear the thought of how humiliating it would be for him (I don't think it's been two weeks since the happy announcement). So maybe it can fizzle out over a month or so, and maybe by then even he will notice that the happier he becomes the more unhappy and trapped I feel.

I really think he needs to be convinced it was his idea, doesn't handle rejection (or bizarre perceived rejection such as me wanting to visit a friend without him) very well at all. Quick and clean would be great normally but phased and uneventful will do nicely.

OP posts:
malinkey · 01/12/2011 14:48

Maybe you could do it somewhere neutral - meet him for a drink or something and have a friend waiting to meet you afterwards/outside.

CaffeineIsMyBestFriend · 01/12/2011 14:50

You need to suck it up and do the right thing. I would let a close friend or member of your family know what you are doing and when so if he does react in an unpleasant way and it's not something you want to have to handle, this person could

a) Phone you so you have an excuse to leave
b) Come and get you if you need them to
c) Arrange to meet you after in case you fear he may follow you home

Good Luck.

tigermoll · 01/12/2011 14:54

....and then after the breakup, STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

I would advice no responding to texts, call, emails, anything. If you engage with discussion, then all you do is prolong the time it takes to get it behind you. It sounds harsh, but it is the kindest way to do it. You have accorded him the respect of a face-to-face breakup, but you don't 'owe it to him' to keep endlessly rehashing it.

Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 15:09

I thought public might be bad, I would prefer it but thought it was a no-no for some reason. Ok, will think of a pub. What a horrible horrible thing to do to someone. I suppose I missed out the part where I proposed to him? But I can't recapture at all what I was thinking and feeling then, or how it possibly seemed like a good idea. Don't think he actually loves me though, it's more like a fixation. And it's always 'I want', even with the funeral I went to last week it wasn't 'would you like me to come, would it help if I was there' it was a tantrum because I didn't want him to go.

I just want my key back mainly, didn't even give it to him, saw it on his dashboard the other day. And then I might look for some sort of religious order to join.

OP posts:
malinkey · 01/12/2011 15:19

I think in this case public is good. Does sound like you've got yourself in a pickle - you proposed to him?! Maybe rather than joining the religious order you could do a bit of counselling to work on your self-esteem.

People break up with other people every day of the week. Ok, so it's not nice and no one likes to be rejected but it's not the worst thing that can happen in the world. How long have you been together? I agree you need to be firm - like ripping off a plaster. Once it's done do not talk to him again. If you answer the phone the 20th time he rings he will keep on ringing as he will think persistence pays off.

And taking your key without asking - you might have to change your locks. In fact it would be a good idea anyway as he might have had it copied even if he does give it back to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/12/2011 15:22

Helped himself to your key? Before the convent I suggest a heavy course of counselling, to find out what possessed you to propose. I can only assume you were blinded by all those red flags.

Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 15:29

Do you think counselling would help? I partly 'blame' the assessment for therapy (that was happening at the time, so wasn't in peak mental or emotional form) nobody thinks it is a good idea for me but that sort of therapy is very different from counselling I suppose.

I wish I could just do it by text first and then have the conversation. Or not have any sort of conversation, just leave the country and hide in Africa for a few years.

OP posts:
malinkey · 01/12/2011 16:00

What is assessment for therapy?

AvadventKalendar · 01/12/2011 16:14

Can you afford to get your locks changed asap, like tonight/tomorrow? I doubt you'll get your key back without a fight.

I also agree that you need to do this in a public place, plan your "speech", don't be to drawn into discussing it, say your piece then leave and have a taxi to take you to a friend/families house that he doesn't know where it is afterwards so you can at least wind down a bit. Or have someone at your house to be with you.

He sounds like a bloody nasty piece of work and although his verbalised threats have been towards harming himsself so far, I really do worry for your safety as it sounds as if he could turn in a moment.
Maybe a phone call to the Samaritans would be a good idea and see what they say about people who threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

You are doing the right thing and I wish you luck OP

tigermoll · 01/12/2011 16:50

You proposed??

Hmmm....giving you the benefit of the doubt, was it something like this: He was desperately insecure, always scared you were going to leave him, accusing you of cheating, having desperate strop-outs and saying 'you don't really love me, I'm going to eat some worms', until finally you blurted out something along the lines of 'of course I love, look I'll prove it. Let's get married. That will solve everything, and maybe we'll stop fighting.'

I don't want to sound like a panic merchant or anything, but I would get my locks changed too. Although I know that's a big hassle and expense, but you don't want to be worried about him letting himself in 'to talk' at some random point in the future.

Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 16:51

Thanks. I could change the lock myself, it's a simple one. Not too worried about that though.

Assessment is, you know, meetings during which the psychologist is assessing you for therapy. I am disappointed and relieved to be turned down, but you never know, maybe there will be something else on offer when we meet to discuss it next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 16:57

Oh the proposal. I was upset, stupid therapy thing, and very shocked by the sudden death of a cousin. She was only 32 and shouldn't have died. I went on a bit of a binge (class as) and I don't know what I was thinking. Only a few days earlier he had talked about marriage and I was horrified and terrified.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 01/12/2011 17:05

You sound like you'll be having a lucky escape from each other, to be honest.

tigermoll · 01/12/2011 17:08

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, - it sounds like you weren't really yourself when you suggested marriage, so understandable.

I understand what you mean about 'disappointed and relieved' to be turned down for therapy, - nice to know a trained professional doesn't think you're mental, but also v dispiriting to ask for help and not receive it. Could you consider a few private sessions? The NHS has stretched resources, so have to be pretty brutal about who they offer what, but it doesn't mean that you HAVE to cope with this by yourself. Even a few sessions would be helpful.

Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 17:12

It's (partly) because I am mental though, it's that way round, too risky to have it. My consultant was very opposed to the idea but he is a dick. My cpn was in favour but not now. It was a bit destabilising I suppose.

OP posts:
tigermoll · 01/12/2011 17:14

I'm confused, - your healthcare professionals feel that you DO have genuine mental health needs, but don't think you should have therapy? what did they suggest instead?

randommoment · 01/12/2011 17:16

Change the locks. Change your phone number. Move asap and start afresh. And KEEP OFF THE CLASS A's. Best of luck.

Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 17:18

I've been treated for bipolar for well over a decade, the therapy was for something else but obviously it all overlaps. We meet next week to decide what to do.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/12/2011 17:26

Tell him you're doing him a favour, that he is better off unhappy now than unhappy later, that you are very sorry..

Do it in a public spot.

Please change your locks first though.

buzzswellington · 01/12/2011 17:40

Yup, change your locks and then end it in a public space. Don't go off with him to discuss it quietly, just say your piece and offer to call/just call someone for him if he plays the suicidal card.

If he gets in contact later to say he's topping himself, call an ambulance for him but do not go running yourself ( I doubt he would really do it, but he may well threaten or say he is - in which case an ambulance turning up will spike his guns and make sure he doesn't).

I'd get your dd to block him on her phone etc as well as doing that yourself, ultimately.

smileitssunny · 01/12/2011 17:41

Agree, change yr locks and meet him in public. Good luck

tigermoll · 01/12/2011 18:06

Oh I see, - sorry to hear about the bipolar. I hope you're getting the support you need [hugs]

7to25 · 01/12/2011 18:12

If your lock is a simple one, then you will have to have another, mortise lock fitted. Yale locks can be opened by a toddler.

EricNorthmansMistress · 01/12/2011 19:30

'neither you or I are as well as we should be right now. I'm sorry to hurt you but it would be a mistake to get married while we are unwell. We need to separate and seek appropriate treatment individually and if we want to get back together in 12 months we know it's meant to be'

then change your number and move

Original poster
TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 01/12/2011 20:44

Thanks everyone. Mental rehearsals are going reasonably well. Hope I don't bottle it tomorrow, will imagine it's like jumping a scary ditch or some other terrifying but ultimately worth it endeavour.

OP posts:
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