I need some help with my MIL (long)

[PetiteRaleuse]

I don't mean this to be a MIL bashing thread. For the record I get on very well with my MIL, but I have some serious concerns about her attitude to children and health.

She is always convinced DD is ill, every time she comes. When DD was about a month old she looked after her for 8 weeks (at my home) as I was in hospital and then recovering from surgery. When I was in hospital DD was taken to the Dr twice, in an emergency, and the Doctor has since told me there was nothing wrong with her at all.

When I came back from hospital MIL was always convinced there was a problem. That she had a cold, or was constipated, or had diarrea, or this, or that, and every day tried to convince me she needed to go to the doctor.

She recently came to visit me again and it was the same thing. Five days, and every day she tried to persuade me to take her to the Dr.

I was supposed to go and have lunch with my boss and leave DD with MIL but cancelled, as I was sure that somehow she'd end up being taken to the doctor in an emergency.

I'm getting to why this is an issue, please bear with me.

She was the same with her DD, my SIL, and is always going on about how Drs never believed her and tells me of incredible symptoms the child had that Doctors refused to believe her about.

Now, we live in France. It is common here for children to go and stay with grandparents during school holidays. In theory I have nothing against this. But I am worried that MIL will end up taking DD to the doctors or worse to A&E for no reason, as she seems to have done with her DD in the past.

Next year won't be an issue, as DD will still be with the childminder, but the year after will. MIL is already looking forward to summer with her granddaughter. I am worried that she may even make her ill, and feel awful saying that, but it is a real concern to me.

I wouldn't worry about sending her back to England to be with my mum though. So you can see there is a dilemma.

DH agrees, but has had problems with his mum before and I don't want there to be a fight, as last time they didn't see each other for four years. DD deserves to know her grandmother, under my supervision.

Any ideas on what this could be? And how to handle it? I could go all PFB and refuse to be separated from DD and take the blame that way, but that will cause issues too. There is, however, no way I will allow MIL to have sole care of my DD again, if I can avoid it.

Not sure what to say. Your MIL has got something wrong with her for sure. Munchhausen(sp?) by proxy springs to mind. Not sure I can offer any advice but I'm sure someone will be able to help you. Can you get advice from the original doctors that have said there was absolutely nothing wrong with your DD?

Good luck

This is a horrible situation but you know what you have to do.

As to how you go about it, how about telling her the truth? That you believe she has an issue around using small children and alleged illness to get attention and you don't trust her judgement on these issues. Therefore you're not going to leave your DD alone with her.

Well this is what I'd do - I think you'll need to do this by stealth rather than an outright refusal/confrontation.. so one of you is always with your daughter when she visits your mother in law.

Don't worry about the summer after next just yet, deal with it when it's closer and just change the subject if she ever brings it up. When the time comes, maybe you or your husband could visit for a week or so WITH your daughter, rather than leaving her there for any extended length of time..

If you have even the slightest hint it could be M by proxy you shouldn't leave them together. There are cases of the parent or grandparent making the child ill to get treatment and attention

She could just be very over cautious

M by proxy is what I was thinking. I strongly suspect that that is what happened with her DD and, back then, doctors would treat for nothing just to get people off their backs from what I can gather. It led to all kinds of problems including, I suspect, the infertility that my SIL now has (the docs went as far as internal exams as MIL said she was bleeding). She was just a baby.

Confrontation won't work. MIL accepts zero criticism and it would lead to a massive fight.

Fortunately she lives on the other side of the country so it's not like she would ever be a regular babysitter.

I think stealth is the best way to go about it. It's just really sad that I didn't even trust her enough to leave her for a few hours a few weeks ago. Sad for everyone.

I'm not PFB at all - in fact I have been told I worry too little about lots of things - but I guess I'm going to have to pretend I am.

Even if she was old enough to tell me what was going on I don't think it would work. And this is going to be a battle every year for a long time.

I would err on the side of caution if there is even a whiff of M by P. Can be very dangerous.

I would go and visit with DD but not leave her in sole charge.

DD had her first cold last week. I didn't even tell MIL in case she decided to come over and try and take over.

That would be a 1,000km drive.

When she was looking after her months ago, when I was back home from hospital I had to shout at her to stop her putting a laxative up DDs bum (we use suppositories over here) when she wasn't constipated.

I just need to vent on here as my DH, though he agrees with me, is sick of hearing about it and is on the verge of cutting off contact. Which would be a shame.

Thing is I guess I won't be able to send her for trips on her own to stay with my mum, otherwise that will cause problems with MIL (and my mum and MIL, although they have never met, are already very jealous of each other, competing to see who can buy DD the most presents...)

sounds like a difficult situation PR - but don't make your mum miss out or deprive your DD of that relationship just because there is an issue with MIL!

I don't want to deprive DD of either relationship. Especially as FIL is brilliant, but wouldn't ever be involved in any child minding decisions.

Very strange. I wouldn't leave DD with her. Am shocked about internal exams on a baby and would have a real issues with her administring medicine.

Although my MIL does not have MHBP. She can be very over the top, looked after DD when she came out of hospital she insisted then decided she was ill because she spat up her milk , always saying to DDs, are you ok, you sound/look ill, don't walk round without slippers you will get a water infection, told DD recently her toe nail is ingrown, its not. She is very attention seeking about her own health too.

Bloody hell you sound incredibly calm and kind about this. I would be freaking out big style.

There is no way I would let her anywhere near my dd, it sounds like she needs help.

Don't worry about how to handle it just say no, she can't come to stay with you. That is it.

My aunty is/was like this. I don't know whether it is true Munchausen's - more extreme hyperchondria. She was convinced one of her DS's had MS when he was a child (he was fine) and that her younger DS has a heart defect (he is also absolutely fine). They were always at the doctors or on spcial diets or being mollycoddled in some way because they were 'ill' or in danger of falling ill. Totally unfounded, and I think it is definitely a sort of mental illness stemming from anxiety and a need for attention.

I would be worried, to be honest.

Oh yes and when DH was a child he nearly ended up in a wheelchair.

Very scary, OP, and you are right to listen to your instincts. M by Poxy, as others have said, is a terribly dangerous disease.

The good thing is that you have your DH on side. And it will be an issue for the year after next? Time for you both to strategise. But in your place I also would never leave my DC alone with MIL.

schroeder I know I sound calm and kind but as she lives so far away there is no immediate danger.

I wasn't calm or kind when she was here.

And when I disucss with DH I am the opposite of calm and kind (poor bloke, he had enough trouble with her as it was).

I know what I have to do, it's just the etiquette of getting round it without causing more problems than there already are. I won't put my child in danger, no-one need worry about that.

I've hardly read anything about it. Her DD is a psychologist herself but I daren't mention it to her as the last time I spoke to her about her mum it all went back to MIL. Even though SIL agreed

"I don't want to deprive DD of either relationship. Especially as FIL is brilliant, but wouldn't ever be involved in any child minding decisions".

Hmm, sounds like the FIL is playing bystander within all this. Realistically as well, what would your DD actually receive from having any sort of relationship with her attention seeking grandmother? You have to face the real possibility here that she has some sort of untreated/untreatable personality disorder and I would certainly have any sort of relationship with these people completely at arms length if you didn't go no contact. You must present a united front and have firm and clear boundaries re them over what is and is not acceptable behaviour.

If your H wants to cut contact let him do so and support his decision. There is also history here with these two; I note that last time they did not see each other for 4 years.

I think you are being v reasonable about all this and that is to be commended but you are really dealing with dysfunctional people who have no concept of how to play by the "rules" governing normal familial relations. You want to be reasonable sure but being so will be taken as weakness. Your MIL clearly has no idea of boundaries and its really their way or no way (that also applies to your MILs enabling husband).

Next time she mentions how much she's looking forward to seeing DD in the school holidays, say "Yes, we're very much looking forward to seeing you" and make it clear you expect to be invited.

Ultimately, though, it's your DH's decision if she's in your family's life...

Yes Attila FIL facilitates many of her not so nice qualities.

They are all very disfunctional and the reason DH lost contact for so long was to do with his son with his first wife. Not the same issues, interestingly, but far too much meddling. They were living near each other then.

It's hard as they have been so kind in so many ways. Especially when I was ill earlier this year. I guess I kind of feel I owe them.

And they would never understand the problem as she refuses to accept any criticism. She stopped talking to me for ages once because I didn't like something vile some food she prepared.

And whenever I cook she doesn't like it and I don't get offended.

I am listening to you guys, and as I said, I won't put my daughter in danger - she will not be left alone with her GM. I just need to work out how to handle the situation from a tact point of view.

PetiteRaleuse - I think I've seen you before on the living overseas topic or somewhere and as I started to read I thought this would be about typical French hypochondria (I live in France and am frequently castigated for not dressing DD in enough clothes, being told to ask the pharmacist, the doctor for the most minor issues, blah blah blah)

But it appears much worse in your case. It sounds like a real issue. Sorry no real help to offer but I would be careful of leaving your DD alone with your MIL. We all have to suck up a few issues with in-laws to allow the mostly enriching relationships between them and their grandchildren to flourish, but not at the expense of our children's health.

Good luck.

Sorry xposts.

Thanks flyingcloud yes we have no doubt crossed paths on the LO topics. We're going to see them at Xmas but I will be there the whole time. It will be another chance to get wound up observe.

I think it goes further than typical Frech hypochondria, which is what I thought it was at the beginning.

Hi,

This must be a very difficult for you, and I?m very sorry that you?re having this.

But I do think you need to take this very seriously and really consider what benefits a relationship with this woman will bring to your daughter vs. possible risks.

(Other than having contact with her and GFather? Really? I mean in a few posts you have said she does not take any criticism, has had a bad enough fight with her son to be out of contact for 4 years?)

I mean, while your daughter is little you do have control but what happens in the future are you prepared to have a big showdown with her in future years re: DD visiting without you?

And from what you?ve said about jealousy, you maybe preventing DD having a relationship with your DM.

I have never met a confirmed Munchhausen by Proxy, thought have wondered about a few, but have worked with some people with Munchhausen?s.
And having worked with all different kinds of addicts and criminals I can say hand on heart they were the most manipulative people I have ever had contact with. (Most of it being the illness sadly but still scary; the lengths they were prepared to go to was shocking).

Please be very very careful as I'm sure you will be, but also really consider what your daughter will actually get from a relationship with MIL?