I need some help with my MIL (long)

[PetiteRaleuse]

I don't mean this to be a MIL bashing thread. For the record I get on very well with my MIL, but I have some serious concerns about her attitude to children and health.

She is always convinced DD is ill, every time she comes. When DD was about a month old she looked after her for 8 weeks (at my home) as I was in hospital and then recovering from surgery. When I was in hospital DD was taken to the Dr twice, in an emergency, and the Doctor has since told me there was nothing wrong with her at all.

When I came back from hospital MIL was always convinced there was a problem. That she had a cold, or was constipated, or had diarrea, or this, or that, and every day tried to convince me she needed to go to the doctor.

She recently came to visit me again and it was the same thing. Five days, and every day she tried to persuade me to take her to the Dr.

I was supposed to go and have lunch with my boss and leave DD with MIL but cancelled, as I was sure that somehow she'd end up being taken to the doctor in an emergency.

I'm getting to why this is an issue, please bear with me.

She was the same with her DD, my SIL, and is always going on about how Drs never believed her and tells me of incredible symptoms the child had that Doctors refused to believe her about.

Now, we live in France. It is common here for children to go and stay with grandparents during school holidays. In theory I have nothing against this. But I am worried that MIL will end up taking DD to the doctors or worse to A&E for no reason, as she seems to have done with her DD in the past.

Next year won't be an issue, as DD will still be with the childminder, but the year after will. MIL is already looking forward to summer with her granddaughter. I am worried that she may even make her ill, and feel awful saying that, but it is a real concern to me.

I wouldn't worry about sending her back to England to be with my mum though. So you can see there is a dilemma.

DH agrees, but has had problems with his mum before and I don't want there to be a fight, as last time they didn't see each other for four years. DD deserves to know her grandmother, under my supervision.

Any ideas on what this could be? And how to handle it? I could go all PFB and refuse to be separated from DD and take the blame that way, but that will cause issues too. There is, however, no way I will allow MIL to have sole care of my DD again, if I can avoid it.

"I guess I kind of feel I owe them".

Understandable yes but wrong. Again I must state that you are not dealing with normal emotionally balanced people here so "normal" rules do not apply. Let your H primarily deal with his parents and if he wants to cut them off then let him do so. I would think twice about visiting them for Christmas given how she acts anyway. You don't need to be a party to their dysfunction.

You owe these people nothing, your stance whilst completely understandable and reasonable will ultimately cut no ice with these people as its their way or no way. Your H seems to have just about had enough of them.

Thought FIL was a bystander in all this;people in dysfunctional families end up playing roles. He likely acts primarily out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Amazon.fr may have a copy of Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward. I suggest too you read this book.

Thank you smells that really helps put it in perspective. I guess what I want for DD is the loving side of the relationship. And MIL does shower her with love (I'm not talking about presents, though she gets plenty of those too).

I am sure that if I even dropped a hint to MIL that I had these suspicions she would be mortified. I don't think she consciously wants to harm anyone. Is it possible to have M by P subconsciously? ie is it possible that she could have no clue of the damage she has done or is doing?

My dad was a drunk. An awful father. But despite his illness (alcoholism) I can still recall good things about our relationship. But if I have to decide did the good outweigh the bad? No way. He should never have been a part of my life.

As I said, the danger is not imminent - she lives along way away, so I am lucky in that respect. I guess I will have to just keep visits to an absolute minimum and never allow granny to babysit. If she takes offence at that so be it.

i dont think grandchildren deserve to know clearly mentally deranged grandparents

not at all.

take her to one side and say ' unless she is bleeding or dying in a v. obvious way - dont take her to doctors, if you do - i will have a problem with you'

And this is where my inability to deal with conflict come into play. I'll look up that book, thank you Attila

I can't get out of Christmas unless we get lots of snow. DH is on side but he does want to see his family at Christmas, especially as I have found good excuses not to go the last few years (because I hate long drives, not because I didn't want to see anyone).

These issues, other than usual MIL / DIL quibbles, are recent. I only noticed it all this year of course.

There again that's not true. She has always driven me completely bonkers. I just care more now I have DD.

"I guess what I want for DD is the loving side of the relationship. And MIL does shower her with love (I'm not talking about presents, though she gets plenty of those too)".

Again, I would ask your if MIL is actualy capable of providing such a thing to your DD as it all seems highly conditional to me and on her terms alone. Does she really provide your DD with love or do you want to think that she would do so?. Presents too can also be used to manipulate.

Your H wants to cut contact, that speaks volumes as does he and his mum not speaking to each other for 4 years.

I'd still be very wary here as your DD could be in real danger of being further manipulated by her or at risk of being used by her to get back at you and her son.

Yes, she is manipulative, highly critical and a control freak. And she lies.

Is she still capable of love? I don't know. I'm too involved to really have thought of that if you see what I mean.

Her children do love her, kind of, though both have admitted she wasn't a great mum. But now they are adults they find her easier, though, as I said, DH has issues with her, and finds me incredibly patient with her.

I don't mean to drip feed. I'm just typing as I think. Sorry

Why not just support your DH in cutting contact? I don't see what your DD will gain from a relationship with his parents. If he wants to cut contact, go with that.

I guess because I worry that I will be blamed if he does. No rational reason for that but I had issues with my ex who blamed me for the weather.

And despite all this as a person I do get on with her. As long as I ignore all the problems.

As I understand it, and although a lot has been written about it, it is still a mystery, yes you can be M by P and not realise that your actions are abnormal.

A lot of M by P will justify giving medications/diets/ causing injury because they KNOW something is wrong the doctors etc. just haven?t looked enough/ properly etc. and doing these actions may mean that the doctors will take them seriously do tests etc.

I had a brilliant relationship with my Grandmother, she?s been dead over 25 years and I still miss her. She was a kind caring woman who sacrificed everything for her family while still being a role model (no push over martyr, my Gran). She taught me and my sibs a lot.

So I understand that the relationship between a child and its parent and with its grandparents are 2 different things. And that a good relationship with a GP is a wonderful enriching thing.

As the good parent you clearly come across as I can understand why you want to facilitate this relationship as much as you can.

BUT Take a step back and ask yourself is that the type of relationship they will have?

Will she enrich your child?s life?

No one?s saying you have to go no contact, but just be very very wary

Thank you for that smells. I don't have all the details on how she was with SIL - only what MIL has told me. I do know there were many mystery illnesses, the doctors were 'useless' and didn't believe her. I know she was treated for some things but nothing worked. DH says she was always ill but he was young, and until I started asking questions the thought had never crossed his mind that the issue coul dhave been with his mum

What do you think was done to your SIL as a baby to perhaps cause her infertility? Maybe introducing bacteria into her vaginal area which could cause fallopian tube scarring? Imagine what it would be like to feel that your own mother did something to prevent you from having children. Has your SIL ever voiced such a thought?

I'm not sure of the details but i know she underwent quite thorough internal exams in hospital. Sil has never mentiond it to me only mil. This was back in the 70s. Sil has issues and we don't get on brilliantly, unfortunately.

I have on occasion spoken to SIL about her mum, but not about these issues. Although we agreed on many things she went and repeated some of it back to her mum which caused a bit of a chill in the relationship. I don't see what I or she would gain by discussing my more recent problems, as it would surely backfire.

You have to be firm, if you have any hope of maintaining a relationship, and being firm with someone like this will run the risk of a falling out and possibly even going no contact.

If she says your DD is ill you need to say 'of course she's not ill, please don't say that'. If you feel the need you can ask why she thinks she's ill and get her to try to justify it. If the only answer you get is 'I just know' you need to say 'I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough for me', and flatly refuse to allow ANY medical intervention.

Quite likely there will be an eruption, she may ignore you, etc. But if you are to get beyond this you NEED to get this established clearly, and NOT BACK DOWN. Everytime you feel all nervous about confrontation just think what could happen to your DD if your MIL decided to take her in for emergency treatment/investigations, etc, that should firm up your resolve.

Oh my goodness I am horrified. I would have it out fully with her 'You always think there is something wrong when there isn't. You are verging on H by proxy. If you don't stop and keep your mouth shut you wont be seeing her. I am her mother. I know when she is ill or not thank you' Or maybe something less fierce but just as clear. Your poor DD.

Something I forgot to mention yesterday, but an example which really bugged me, is that she told me DD (8mo) needs to see a shrink, because she rocks on her highchair.

I very calmly told her that my baby would not be seeing a shrink any time soon and that this behaviour was normal for babies. She loves rocking on her highchair - she can make the thing move - hours of fun and a satisfying noise too.

She won't get the chance to organise any medical intervention whatsoever. I do worry what DD will pick up from her when she starts understanding her comments though.

Well, your reactions have shown me that I am not over-reacting, and that there is a real issue here. I am also realising that this issue is one of many, and that although I can blank out what she says and her behaviour, DD won't be able to, even if I am there she will still pick up on the criticisms and the lies.

I think posting on here has opened a can of worms in my head, which is great, but tiring.

melted if it were my mum I would have it out with her. And not be worried about ht efallout. DH handles her in his own way, but does tend to avoid conflict too.