Concerned about sister - engagement stuff

[JosieRosie]

DSis has been with her DP for a couple of years. They have talked about marriage and agreed it's something they both want to do. She wants the big 'surprise' proposal though so as far as she's concerned, they're not engaged until she gets the proposal and the ring.

He told her last Xmas that he would propose before the autumn. Deadline came and went, no proposal. She called him on and it and now he says he will 'definitely' propose by March. He's adamant he does want to get married and from an outside perspective, he does seem to be crazy about her and seems like a decent bloke. She is worried he's getting cold feet about making such a 'grown-up' decision - she may be right. He's 42 by the way

Added to this, she has very fixed expectations about the ring - she's expecting him to spend 3 months salary on a rock (based on what her mates have had for their engagement rings), he was expecting to spend nowhere near this. He works full-time and has some savings but is nowhere near loaded.

Is there anything I can do? Do I tell her she needs to manage her expectations regarding the size and cost of the ring she can expect? Or do I hold my tongue and go along with it? I really would like this to work out for both of them and I think they are a great couple in many ways but I'm worried that both of them are getting very stressed out by something which should be a happy experience

That sounds really sad for her. I hope she gets some perspective.

I wouldn't want my DP spending 1 months salary let alone 3 months.

I had a family eirloom ring that he got refurbished for me instead, and it means more to me than any shop bought ring.

My DP thought I wanted a big expensive ring, but no matter how many times you tell them, they won't believe you.

Our finances are completely joint anyway, so I would see it as a waste o our funds which would usually be for holidays.

The last nail in the coffin for my BIL's previous relationship, was when his girlfriend said he had to spend 6 months salary on the ring ( lives abroad ).
Was rather funny when she asked me how much DH had spent on mine, as I don't have one.

The ring won't put food on the table, pay the mortgage or keep them warm. It will cause financial pressure on both of them. Showing love does not come from spending money. Red flags being flown on both sides - his from indecision (but perhaps being caused by her financial expectations) and hers from a desire to have an expensive ring). Perhaps they are not for one another??

DH and I agreed to get married and then picked a day when we were going to do the ring thing, we each went off independently of each other and picked a ring for one another. They actually kind of matched! £5000 is INSANE. We had a $100 budget (we live in the US) so both his ring and mine cost less that £65! Go to some bloody estate sales. Spend the money on the honeymoon.

First marriage: blardy great big blue white solitaire, hand picked from a selection then set by a local goldsmith. Husband=crap. Marriage=crap

Second marriage: tiny solitaire, definitely not blue white, from a local shop set by god knows who (and I helped pay for it as times were hard for him). Husband=lovely. Marriage=lovely.

The last two sentences of each of the above paragraphs are all that matter in the end. She hopefully will realise the same someday

Maybe if he knows she expects that much on a ring - he also fears how much the wedding itself will cost and if its all just for show. And so he'd rather be know as a ditherer than a bankrupt! So I can't help but feel she's in for heartbreak one way or the other - no proposal/no wedding or smaller proposal/smaller wedding (after another prolong wait??)

Normally I'm an advocate of not getting involved, but if she has brought the subject up then I'd say you can discuss it with her even if all it does is plant the seed in her mind about which she'd prefer small or none or even a different relationship because it doesn't sound like the bling is ever going to be coming her way from this guy!

Oh my god, she told him it has to be 3 months salary! I'm sorry but your sister sounds very intense, it's no wonder that a proposal is not forthcoming.

Well, she showed him a photo of her newly-engaged BF's ring, he asked how much a ring like that would cost, she said she didn't know but the 'going rate' is 3 months salary, he had a heart attack (almost)

I would be pissed off if my DH had spent 3 months salary on a ring. Would rather it were spent on the house or saved.

TBH, alarm bells sounded when you say that this man promised your sister that they would get engaged in Autumn and now is promising that they will do so next year. If he really wanted to get engaged to her, he would do so now and if she really wanted to get engaged to him, then she would want this without the ring and trappings.

He sounds like a serial bachelor who doesn't do committment and she sounds like someone who is panicking because she's single at 30 and all her friends are married.

Tell her to dump him and find someone else

after DH proposed to me (without a ring) he researched how much a ring should cost by googling. He too saw the 3 months salary bit and nearly passed out. (Luckily I am not precious in the slightest and told him not to be so ridiculous - he'd knocked me up anyway, so I was always going to marry him, regardless of ring cost!)

anyway, he joked that maybe he should take a 3 month sabbatical from work and find a minimum wage or volunteer position so that 3 months salary was feasible :o maybe you could suggest the same to your potential BIL?! :o

She 'Wants' a big surprise. She 'Wants' a pretty pricey ring. Maybe you could point out that as she has such high material expectations before they are even married, he may be rethinking if he even wants to marry her. 3 months?! Wow. I think mine was more like 2-3 weeks and it is beautiful because my husband gave it to me as a memento of me accepting his proposal.

The original point was that he seems to be putting off proposing or pushing back his own deadlines, but if she goes on about it all the time then she's not going to get her big romantic surprise she wants is she? She needs to calm down and try and resist mentioning it. If she manages that and nothing happens by May, I think it would be fair enough for her to discuss it with him.