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[Wretched]

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X post. I'm not glad to hear how awful he is once DD is in bed.

two faced fucker

He is not awful per se, but not what I need at the moment - I want a little pampering and some tlc. Maybe I am just expecting too much.

Think of what he could do but doesn't. Ok he works long hours so may be he can't be there to rub your back when you get in for work. He isn't back to cook your and DD's dinner. But he could take time off for antenatal appts? Most employers would grant that or at least be willing to give him a bit of holiday. He could take an interest in his unborn child.
I too defended my ex to the hilt. I wanted to keep my family together. I tried every which way to get him to try to see what I needed, show him the sort of things that would help. I didn't have a mum, I didn't have mumsnet and in some ways I kept thinking I'd asked in the wrong way. But guess what when I lay in bed crying in a hormonal heap or worrying about money, he turned his back on me. It was an indicator of how he behaved when our DS was born and then it got worse. Sorry to be harsh, and I know you have to want to take steps yourself but do find out from midwife, gp, friends, here what a good dad does. Look at Freedom Programme Website for good man/bad man and then tick off the stuff he does do and doesn't. If you think he can't do something because of work, an illness or whatever then fair enough. But you honestly can't haul fridges around in your condition.
Pour it out here ... I'm so sad for you that he is ruining what should be a wonderful time of expectation for you

What are the multiple other issues? Or have you already mentioned those?

'He is always known for his manners and consideration to his friends/family. It's only me that gets this treatment. It feels like punishment.'

This alone would worry me - this is a sign of emotional abuse.

Why are you selling yourself so short? You're not expecting too much at all.

Agree malinky - also the OP states that her partner's behaviour changes for the worse when their daughter is in bed. To me this suggests that he is fully in control of his behaviour, he chooses to turn on the abusive stuff when there are no observers to call him on it.

He is not a good dad, he deliberately sets out to upset the child's mother - at some point your daughter will pick up on this and it will make her unhappy, that is inevitable.

" His cold treatment will continue until around the time the baby is two"

wow you happy to put up with that for two years? how do you think DD will feel? different this time because dd will be around to see this treatment and you gradully becoming more and more withdrawn/depressed/etc....

and he is nice to you in front of dd and friends/family but not when you alone?

this is not a nice person. it is cruel what he is doing.

but he could maybe a good but separated father to his dc.

I think starting this thread was a bad idea. I dont want to split up and I dont want him to be a seperated father. Struwelpeter that was a very helpful post thank you.

Sorry that you aren't hearing what you want to. Just bear in mind we'll be here if you change your mind.

All the best of luck to you and enjoy your DC when he/she arrives.

I'm sorry that you regret starting the thread.

As you say you don't want to separate from him, and you obviously can't change his personality, then it would seem that you are stuck with his unreasonable behaviour for the foreseeable future. What a shame.

not many want to be separated - most of us assumed we would be sticking it out with a kellogs box family. but life isnt like that. and sometimes life for each person/for the DC is better separated.

and we have choices.

one being you dont have to live for two to three years with a cruel person.

you can do nothing about it, jsut put up
you can talk to him, change your reaction to him, see if there is a way to improve the situation
you can ask him to move out

maybe the second one is the way to go right now - talk to your midwife, ask for counselling, develop some strategies and boundaries eg you cook what you cook that suits you - he eats it or he doesnt up to him.

take one issue at a time and tackle it head on - getting indigestion to make him happy is not on.

But I put a lot of it down to our young age and inexperience last time.

you arent that young love, I was 19 when I got married, and 20 when I had a first child. My husband didnt act like an idiot. He was 21

I feel awful for you - no one deserves to be treated like that, nevermind by the person you who is supposed to love and care about you the most. I just don't understand how anyone can go back to loving that person, sleeping with them, cooking their meals, respecting/enjoying who they are etc when they have been so cruel. Surely you can't?

OP - think about your DD in 20 years time, pregnant, in a relationship as you describe and what you would say to her? Would it really be - stick it out, he'll be better in a few years?! Is that what she deserves? Or does she, like you, deserve to be loved and respected ALWAYS?

Children are bright, she may not see his behaviour right now but in 2, 5, 10 years who knows? Do you want her to think this is how women should be treated by their partners?

Congratulations and good luck with the baby. You sound like a lovely person I really hope everything works out well for you.

Oh and I second talking to a counsellor. You sound as if you've had a tough time, very sorry about your mum, you must miss her alot right now. Take care.

First of all, I agree that he is being rather a dick, but...

How is he normally (before you got pregnant both times that is)? And that changed over night when you told him or not?

Just off the top of my head: was he at the first birth and how did that go? Maybe, just maybe, it was rather scary (to him at least), hence his fear of sex the first two years and maybe now he doesn't want to think about the second time...

Just a thought though.

Leaving is all very well, but if the issue is solvable, then why leave, right?

But do stop carrying freezers and cooking stuff you don't like. There needs to be some realism here.

Kiki - it did scare him a lot last time. He was 20 but had never lived away from home before, was quite immature in a lot of ways. It was a shock to his system but not as much as for me (I had DD at 21, but left home at 17 so was self sufficient for some time beforehand).

I think he is EXPECTING to feel the same as last time and a lot of this distant behaviour is him preparing himself for that. But he underestimates us. We are older, wiser now. We have been parents for 7 years. We are a world away from where we used to be.

I definitely want to work on our issues at this point, im not ready to leave just yet.

Could you try to talk to him in that way or is he absolutely not accessible?

I could try but he gets very defensive if I complain. He thinks we are OK and if I would only stop pecking at him and demanding perfection, we would be fine. He says he told me from the start that he didnt think the baby was a good idea, but its coming now, so lets just get on with it. He cant or wont comprehend my hurt or upset feelings, he just sees it as more moaning.

I have already said that I will continue this pregnancy alone and do not require his presence when I have the baby due to his actions up until this point. I think it will distress me more to have him there trying and failing to show a caring concerned attitude than actually giving birth alone would.

He rolls his eyes and thinks thats ridiculous.

Feel for you, sounds really hard what you're going through.

Do you think you are a bit depressed? Not trying to make excuses for him but sometimes people (especially men) don't want to get involved with something they can't fix? IYKWIM. And they don't know what to do to help.

Does he realise how upset you are or does he think you're being a 'grumpy cow'? Not suggesting you are, btw, just might be whats behind his nastiness.

My DP a little like this, when I am ill or down (have depression which comes & goes) he can be very cold & not seem his usual 'kind' self. I know its hard to live with someone who is depressed but a little tlc wouldn't go amiss.

I often wonder about the whole 'in sickness & in health' thing too, we're not married but we have been together a long time & we should be supportive of each other, IMO.

I have never talked it through with him when I am in good spirits. Probably should.

Why didn't he think it was a good idea? Because he didn't want to be a father for a second time at all or because he has financial worries? Maybe he wanted to buy a house first or something...

Is he scared something will happen to you? It could be that he feels a little powerless (if he saw you in severe pain last time or maybe even worse for all I know). In terms of abortion and mc post traumatic stress has been identified in men, though it could possibly apply to male birthing partners too. Think about it, a man is conditioned, biologically, to protect and care for his family. If he sees you in severe pain (if he cares for you of course) and can't do anything to ease it, felt powerless in the face of it or after it (maybe financial worry, i.e. he has failed as 'head of the family' to protect and care for his woman and child) he may want to block things out until things have settled down. It could be two ways, really, either he was at the birth of your dd and hasn't forgotten it yet (saw lots of blood, screaming which freaked him out; birth trauma but not for you) or he felt on edge about his pater familias role for the first two years and hasn't fortgotten that.

Don't moan or complain, don't talk about your feelings, though you are having a tough time, but ask about his feelings/fears or try to. To me, he seems to have accepted that he will get a child but tries to block out everything in between. If that is the case, he should firstly understand that he has problem.

Kiki he is a born worrier and is at his worst when he feels powerless or inadequate (usually medical situation or financial worries will bring out this side in him). Obviously having a baby includes a full house of a)financial worries b) health concerns and c) added responsibility.

But do you know what, Im sick of focusing on the negatives of having this child. We are having it, thats it! And we will love it like nothing else on earth (apart from DD). And we will NEVER not for one minute regret this baby. Even if it does end our relationship.

So why cant he just get on and humour me for a few measly weeks! Getting angry now.

If you think you can't do anything about it, or don't want to start it if it is going to be over soon (what is three months?) then carry on and see how it goes.

As long as you know that it is going to get better... (that's what my motto is)

Best of luck

Don't get too angry, but I guess you are frustrated as he is not going half-way down the road with you on the process of pregnancy. Also guess that with DD you had your mum to share the whole magical/gooey/happy-weepy bits with and you feel her loss? I never had a mum, but felt absence keenly when I was pregnant and others just don't fill that role.
I think you should approach midwife/gp for some counselling for you to set your boundaries then you can simply not go beyond them ie dinner, and he will have to put up or shut up. Also can you do something for you and the pregnancy iyswim - ie antenatal yoga, exercise - think it is emotionally more important than physically. Lovely to be surrounded by other swelling women for an hour or two, and anger might be blood-pressure/hormones etc - breathe. That said a good partner could simply shrug, smile or at worst roll his eyes and say 'pregnancy, mmm'. Then make you a cuppa.
You know where you limit is re the relationship and if you get things clearer here or via counsellor you can say to him how you feel. How he reacts will be proof you need. And what about his mum? Can you get her onside?

His mum is very good and will be as involved as I want her to be. Not the same as my mum though. Pregnancy yoga/relaxation classes sound fab will look into those. Might take myself off swimming tonight and see how i feel after that, certainly less tense and stiff Im sure.

I do really love him and i know he does love me

Men who love their partners don't treat them this way. What fucked up idea of love do you have when you see this behaviour as normal in a person who is supposed to love you?