Toxic bitch of a mother says she's not setting foot in my house again.

[VivaLeBeaver]

However she is prepared to meet me away from the home. Ha ha. Lovely.

I think I posted something on MN the other week when I was in hospital about my mum having to go and pick dd up fro mthe childminder's as dd wasn't very well. DD rang me up in hospital in tears saying that Gran was cleaning the house in a frenzy and shouting fucking this and fucking that as she did it.

DH was driving back home and I warned him. So he gets home and my mum is sat there with a face like a slapped arse and he said to her that she'd only been asked to pick dd up and not clean the house. She stormed out.

I then had all the shit of DH fucking off on holiday a few days after I came out of hospital and then coming back and moaning that the house was still messy. I am still pissed with him but I'm 100% more pissed with my mother now.

Me and my mum do have different levels of what's acceptable - her house is like a show home and mine is cluttered.

I've just seen her today for the first t ime since all of this and she's still steaming. She says she can't set foot in my house as it distresses her so much. The ironry is its currently spotless. Apparantly the things that upset her was dd's room being untidy (which I'd been asking her to tidy for some days before being rushed into hospital and not gettign very far) and when she pulled dd's bed away from the wall there were cobwebs. Well bloody shoot me!

I'm furious mainly because I think its so rude. You wouldn't say stuff like this to anyone else. And now she won't feed the cats while we're away in Jan so I'm going to have to shell out ££££ to put the cats in a cattery. I bit my lip and didn't say anything to her but am really regretting now not telling her how rude I think she is.

Oh and the other thing is I want to know why if I'm in hospital do I get the blame for the hosue being messy? Surely that should be DH's problem? But no, I'm the little woman so the house is obviously my domain. I do work.

She also says that about 5 months ago DH complained to her that he was fed up with me being so messy, etc. She says she gave him lots of advice but said that ultimately she "wouldn't come between us". WTF?

So she's mad with DH for complaining about me and then "being rude" to her after she'd cleaned the house.

He says he wasn't rude and also says that the above isn't true. That he made a passing comment about my untidyness and hadn't meant anything by it. He's being getting it in the neck again this evening.

Perhaps she has a problem with cleaning/housekeeping etc. Some people's houses are like showhomes because it's simply what they want and like, but some people with houses like that have OCD/anxiety/depression etc.

I don't share my mother's idea of housekeeping and she doesn't share mine. We both know this and therefore I keep my house how I want and she keeps hers how she wants.

I should think it's probably better for you to meet on neutral ground.

Does your mum suffer with OCD? She may get really stressed with things being out of place/untidy? Just a thought!

Do you know thats a good point and I hadn't really thought of it. I do worry about her mental health/depression as somethimes she isn't very rational. When she split with my dad she smashed their home up and stabbed my dad, luckily just in the leg. But when I was a kid she would smash the house up and throw knives at me and my brother as we ran for the door.

My dad did ask her to go to the GP but she wouldn't.

I just keep thinking though that she can control herself well enough when she wants to. She wouldn't say this sort of stuff to a friend of hers.

Really OP, do not let it stress you. I always take the view that if the mess bothers anyone that much, they are more than welcome to come and tidy up for me :o

Seriously?

If she's been known to throw knives, I'd be thanking my lucky stars she's choosing not to set foot in my house again. I'd probably keep my house a tip to ensure it. And I don't think I'd be making any plans to meet up with her, like, ever. Or leave her with my kids or even my cats.

She does sound a bit OCD.

But you're going to have to post pictures onyour profile so we can judge just how much of a slob you are

oh this sounds far more serious than just OCD? Anger/impulsive behaviour....but a visit to the GP would be good and also I think it is good she is not going to your house anymore esp if needed to mind your dc if her anger is so out of control!

2 people stressed and having a go at you about the state of your house?

Be honest with yourself. I have a friend who trots out the 'it's a bit messy but it's CLEAN' line. Now how can it be clean with all the clutter and mess for dirt to hide under.

Actually me and my mother have a very similar issue in that she think I am a lazy slattern with regards to housework, and I have far better things to do than continually clean my house.
It extends to my car too, and she was having such a massive go at me the once whilst I was driving down the road that I stopped and got out the car, ran round to her door, opened it and told her to get out of my car, I would ring my dad to pick her up. She looked at me like I was mad and spluttered at me. I told her that it was my car, and it really had nothing to do with her whether it was spotlessly clean or not.

Everytime she comes to my house I run round like a banshee before she turns up and she still finds something to complain about. I usually say that it is considered polite to say nothing if you can't say something nice.

It is a major pain in the arse and I have started taking the kids to her rather than her coming here

I'll feed your cats.

FF Sake! I have a 32 and a 24 year old, and wouldnt dream of such rudeness. How your kids live IN THEIR HOMES is their affair. How they live in yours, is your affair!

Sara, its not the cleanest but as far as I'm concerned its clean enough. Everything is hoovered once a week, maybe twice if it starts getting crumby. Bathroom sink and loo is cleaned once a week. Kitchen worktops are wiped down as and when they're crumby.

But I fully admit that I don't think I'd moved dd's bed from the wall and cleaned down there for about three years!

DH is a bugger for hoarding, the only thing I can see at the minute thats out of palce is a pile of his mail which is about 30 letters/magazines deep on the end of the kitchen worktop. He goes bat shit if I touch this as I once binned the lot and apparantly he had a new credit card in one of the letters. DD has a little chest of drawers for toys and there is some of her stuff piled ontop of hte drawers which looks a bit messy.

But even if it was bad then as long as its not social services taking your kids away bad (which its never been by any stretch) then why does she have to be so rude?

She'll be having a lonely Xmas from now on as she always comes here on Xmas Day. Not any more I guess.

If she's a toxic bitch why do you rely on her to do things for you like look after your children and cats?

I think I might be like her one day!( I will try not to be so rude tho)

My dd is 17 and in 6th form and works. She gets a large wage and spends it on clothes , make up, the usual.... But oh boy, she is mega untidy, and actually, dirty too. It's embarrassing. Really bad, and I get so disheartened to see her lovely new things she worked hard fir, just lying on top of more stuff. It's hard to watch!!

Were you joking about the knife-throwing?

Your mother is totally out of line.

It's not your sole responsibility to keep the house clean, especially when you're in hospital.

It does sound like your DH is bothered by the state of the house.

You both need to work out a shared cleaning regime and stick to it.

Cleaning the toilet once a week is not ok.

I think your mum and 'D'H are both behaving awfully.

You have been in hospital
Dh went away on holiday leaving you on your own wtf

and they are having a go at you about the state of the house??

Tell them both to p*ss off. If H doesn't like it show him where the cleaning stuff is. They should both be running round looking after you so you don't have to lift a finger, not complaining and moaning.

And the cats? Either use an agency that comes to the house or pay a neighbour to pop in and feed them. The ideal is a teenager whose parents live a couple of houses away and who'll make sure they do the job.

Really about the toilet cleaning? Because even my mother only cleans the toilet once a week.

Kahuna - I wouldn't say that I rely on her to look after dd or the cats. She doesn't look after dd normally. Infact we don;t even have her babysitting. DD was sick and I was in hospital, it was an emergency and we asked her to help. She normally will come to our house very other day for a week once a year while we go on holiday. I frequently repay this favour by going to hers and letting her dog out if she's out for the day.

No, I wasn't joking about the knife throwing.

We can put the cats in a cattery, its not a major issue. Or our neighbour probably would as we've fed their rabbits in the past.

I can't believe that anyone's engaging with whether your house may or may not be dirty against a background of a toxic, knife-throwing mother.

I really hope she does bugger off out of you and your dc's lives.

Really - unless I'm the odd one, which is always possible. Especially in houses with children.

Your poor DD must have been really unsettled by it to phone you in hospital

Buzzs, that's why I put the points in order. Her mother is out of line, full stop. The cleaning is a separate issue, and I mentioned it because it bothers the OP and apparently her DH.