My adult son - advice for dealing with him?

[IndiaJade]

I wondered if anyone could give me some advice for dealing with my DS who is almost 21. I have a feeling I have made a rod for my own back somewhere along the line and need some tips for change, if that's the right thing to do.

I am a single parent having left and divorced my emotionally abusive H almost three years ago. H also made DS life a misery and was psychologically abusive to him as a result he was binge drinking, getting into debt, got dismissed from his part-time job and also took an overdose.

Once I left H, DS settled down a lot, got a GF, got his finances under control and is now in the last year of an apprenticeship. He earns about £200 p.w.

However, sometimes DS can speak to me in a disrespectful way which is very upsetting, he does no housework and even if I ask him to do a few jobs like changing a lightbulb - he says he is going to do them and then doesn't and I have to do it myself or ask someone else. I often think he has no respect for me and cares not a fig.

He also doesn't clean his room, doesn't make his bed and pays nothing towards the running of the house, even though he knows I am having a tough time financially. He often leaves his dirty pots and dishes for me to clear up and I do his washing and ironing. He dumps dirty clothes and his gym kit on the living room floor and doesn't tidy it up. He also leaves car parts (currently have 4 wheels) in the living room.

In addition, I have now met a nice man. We dated for 3 months before I told the DC's about him, they met him after 6 months and then when they had got to know him, he stayed the night with me for the first time having started dating a year ago.

By contrast, DS's GF stays at our home 2/3/4 nights per week, and has done for the past 2 years which is fine as I really like her. They eat the food I buy and use the electricity etc. that I pay for.

Just recently DS has been making comments about my BF coming to the house. He comes for dinner about 4 times a month, and stayed the night twice. My DC's like my BF but they don't like the fact that I have a BF if you see what I mean.

I would like to have a conversation with my DS where I explain that he is not being reasonable by complaining that my BF comes to the house. I feel upset that he thinks he can have a social life but I can't, even though I pay the mortgage.

I would also like to ask him to contribute financially, but don't know if this is reasonable and I am afraid of upsetting him and setting him back again. I know if I say any of this to him he will have a hissy fit and storm out of the house. I cannot talk to him about anything he perceives as negative or he will shout and storm out. and so I put up with everything.

all of DS's money is disposable income although he runs an iphone and has a car loan.

His father is of no help whatsoever, DS would or could not ever go to live with him as he would demand huge amounts of rent and expect him to do most of the work around the house. Incidentally his father moved his GF in 18 months ago having known her for 3 months, whilst I do things slowly and considerately and still end up in the bad books.

Don't know what to do. My friends, my mother and my BF think I am too soft, but I feel such terrible guilt and also I'm frightened to talk to him to be honest.

Help!

Why are you frightened? Is he starting to be emotionally abusive towards you?

You're far too soft - you are having a tough time financially, but he has £200 per month to spend on himself? He should be paying his share of the bills, and so should his girlfriend if she's eating there regularly.

As to not tidying up - I suggest you take the car wheels and put them on his bed, and do the same for anything else he dumps on the living room floor. And stop doing his washing and ironing.

I can see that you're worried about hassling him, but you're not doing him any favours by walking on eggshells round him. If he's managed 2 years of an apprenticeship then he must be fairly emotionallt stable by now, and able to cope with the real world.

H also made DS life a misery and was psychologically abusive to him

I think this here is the key, - I imagine your DS is still very, very angry about his childhood. Possibly he is not doing this consciously, but, just because he is now 21 doesn't mean that he can just 'put it behind him'.

You say he 'doesn't respect you', - maybe he feels that you failed to protect him, and put your husband's happiness before your son's. He may know, on an intellectual level, that you were in a difficult position, but that doesn't stop 'child' part of him being ragingly angry.

However, you seem to be putting up with his treatment of you out of guilt. This DOES NOT WORK, - you will not feel 'better' about what happened by letting him leave his machine parts around and doing his laundry, and neither will he. I think you need to put in the hard work to discuss together what happened and work through his feelings about his childhood.

You put in the title 'my adult son'.

Then start treating him like an adult.

I mean, talking about tidying his room, doing all his washing and ironing. For goodness sake woman, as you have said, he's an adult, not a child, you shouldnt be doing all those things.

DUmp his gym kit back in his room anong with his car parts. Buy food for you and not him, by that I mean, only enough for one.

You are trying to make it up to him for subjecting him to a hideous father for so long and he's playing on your guilt. You cant continue to be a doormat.

I think that it is entirely understandable why, but you are not helping him in being too soft. As you really like his girlfriend could you enlist her help in helping him to see what's reasonable?
Try not to rise to any hissy fits and to keep it really calm ( would going somewhere like a pub or cafe help with this?) but explain that as he is an adult now and is sharing your home he needs to behave in a more responsible manner and treat you and your feelings (whether related to the boyfriend, car arts or washing up) with respect so that you can all live more harmoniously together.
Fwiw I suspect that there are plenty of mums of adult sons experiencing a lot of what you describe who haven't been through the awful situation you have so don't beat yourself up about that just view it as part of parenting to help him live with more awareness of what and who's around him.

You may feel guilty about the past ( who doesn't at times) but messing up the present isn't going to help. In allowing your son to behave as he does, you are not actually being loving towards him. You have nothing to feel guilty for in putting some rules in place.

Personally, I would write down the key points. As with young children I wouldn't make it too complicated.

Living in a house is a 2 way street (IYSWIM). You cannot continue to live with him behaving in the way he does. You have tried to address it with him before but he has refused to take it seriously.

You pay the mortgage, you set the rules. If he doesn't like it he can live somewhere else.

He needs to pay £x per week for a contribution to rent/bills/food. (This may be a nominal amount of £20 or £30 but I still think it is important to set the principle). If his GF stays overnight more than one night per week, it is increased by y amount. If he gets in arrears with paying, sanctions a or b will apply ( no girlfriend staying over till he has caught up with payments or whatever).

He must keep his own room clean, tidy up after himself and do a, b, c, housework. Anything left on living room floor for more than 1/2 hour will be put in the garage/shed/back garden/his bedroom.

You are entitled to a personal life. BF will stay over at times.

He is an adult and needs to take on adult responsibilities. To continue the way he is shows he is not maturing and you don't want him to stay behaving asa child.

Then give it to him and say you would like to discuss these issues in a calm adult way and ask him to name a time when he is able to sit down with you to do this!

I think you need to set boundaries.

He's earning, so he should contribute to the household. Even if only a token amount of rent/board money. If you didn't need it, you could put it into a fund for a deposit for him - as you do need it, you should use it.

You're entitled to a private life, and he's got no reason to huff about it. OK, no-one particularly wants to think about their parents having sex, but he is an adult, he needs to get over himself.

He should respect you and you shouldn't feel like you can't confront him about things, for fear of his anger/storming out. You need to learn how to talk things through together calmly, which will need you to speak up and tackle problems. He needs to learn to do rational and adult negotiating, otherwise he risks becoming his father in relationships. Obviously the past is very present in your family dynamic so maybe you need to talk about that as well.

If he's nearly 21, then his 21st birthday is the ideal time to get this stuff sorted. Tell him: OK, now you're 21 and an adult, you have to start living as one. Start charging him rent, stop cleaning his room. Throw him in the (metaphorical) deep end and let him swim!

I sympathise, you are in a difficult situation, and even without his history, young men do tend to be messy, inconsiderate, until they have the lightbulb moment in their mid twenties (I have 4 of them)
Your best ally is his girlfriend he will listen to what she says more than he will listen to you , because they can switch off to "nagging Mum".
I would not tolerate the car parts or the dirty clothes in my living room, they must go straight to his bedroom!
My rule is I will only wash what is in the Linen basket. I do NOT iron anything, nor do I put away clean clothes. If he wants to sleep/live in a dirty tip, that is his choice just close the door on it.

Your relationship is your affair, if he makes any comments point out that you are a single adult female, this is your house, he lives there rent free and if he wishes to continue to live there he is polite and welcoming to any guest of yours as you are to his.

With regard to rent/keep I would suggest that you leave this until he has finished his apprenticeship, it would be appropriate then.

It is very difficult to start setting boundries and putting your foot down, and setting new rules, with his history so I would suggest you taking it step by step.

Good Luck!

This is a case of 'the king is dead, long live the king'.

You got rid of your abusive ex and your ds has stepped into the role of the 'man of the house'.

While your ds was being abused by his father, he was also learning from him as he most probably the most inconsistent male role model he had.

The rod you made was staying with your abusve ex for 18 years by which time the damage to your ds was well and truly done.

The outlook for your ds's relationships with the opposite sex are not looking too healthy from where I'm sitting, and you'll really going to have to go some if you want to get him on track to be a respectful and considerate son and future partner/father.

Start by telling him that from today he is expected to pay for his keep, do his own washing/ironing, and keep his room clean and tidy.

If he has £200 per week disposable income, a figure of £75 pw would seem to me to be on the low side for all of the home comforts he enjoys especially as he g/f stays over so frequently - I have no doubt that others are better placed to advise on what would be a reasonable figure.

Make it crystal clear to him that he no longer gets to dictate terms and that if he continues to disrespect you and your rules, he can look elsewhere for board and lodging.

Your ds does care about you but, following in his f's footsteps, he currently has no respect for you and he perceives your kindness as weakness.

You can turn this around in a remarkably short time, but harden your heart first as the only way you'll achieve it is by laying down the law in no uncertain terms and making it clear that if he doesn't shape up, he can ship out.

Once you've established your authority in your own home and once he is toeing the line, he is more likely to open up and to listen should you discuss the profound effect that your abusive ex had on you as well as him.

I note you've mentioned 'dc'. If your ds is not the only chid living at home it's imperative that you act now otherwise you may be in danger of making more than one rod for your back.

I would side step all the negotiations and stress and just ask him to move out. He has a steady wage and girlfriend and you are both adults who need to take responsibility for your own lives.
This will teach him all he needs to learn about being an adult.
It will then no longer cause friction.

He needs to move out.

He'll never be an adult otherwise.

Whatever you, do not iron or wash one more thing for this man. Not one.

How about calling a "family meeting" with DS and his GF. Find a time that's convenient to you all and give them a printed agenda e.g. Rent, washing, tidyness, food and finally private life.

Refuse to discuss it all until the time of the meeting which all three of you must attend. Write down what they agree to and put it on the fridge. Might work with GF there.

I was just going to suggest the same as pippop1. Hopefully he'll be on his best behaviour if his gf's there. No harm in guilting her either. Maybe she's not aware that you can't afford her meal ticket either.

Both mine, DD20 and DS23, have been doing all their laundry for several years. They were/are responsible for their rooms and their bathroom (stealth boast ). DS went to uni, we did not ask for any contribution, DD did not, we asked for 20%, DD gave us £180 pm and DS £40 p.w. For this they got meals if it was convenient, or could help themselves to stuff for sandwiches etc. Neither was back every night, and now DS has moved out.

STBX has never really helped much with the housework, and neither did either of them. They are also 'disrespectful' and won't do things if asked. I think some of it is down to their age, and some to learned behaviour from STBX. I am hoping it will all pan out over the next few years, as they mature. STBX plans to buy a house, and DD plans to live there. I will watch with interest.

I meant DS gave us rent after uni when he was working.

How about a star chart?!

Okay, maybe a bit late for that but my parents would put the dirty dishes in my bed if I didn't do them (not very subtle my folks). They often went on the floor to be done later but their point had been made.

I really appreciate all the helpful tips and advice. TigerMoll, I think you have hit the nail on the head, he is very angry with me for staying with his father for so long. I think he also has a belief he is the head of the household and by not standing up to him I have re-enforced this, but I am so bad at putting my point across and don't cope well with confrontation.

I am plagued by guilt and I'm also worried he will just walk out of the house and make himself homeless or attempt suicide. I am concerned that he will see my attempts to put down boundaries as abandonment, I think he believes that it is my role as his mother to do all the work in the house and pay for everything. If I stop doing that I don't think that he will have any need or feelings for me anymore, though I may be wrong.

DS is also angry that his father and I wasted a lot of money on his dad's crazy get rich quick schemes, and as DS says when his friends are getting cars, expensive watches and deposits for houses for their 21st birthdays, he will be lucky to get a bottle of aftershave. But it is too late to change that now and we have to make the best of what we have.

Although I love DS dearly it would be great if he would move out but that is not on the cards as property prices and rents are extortionate in our area. The only thing I can do is sit down with him when he is 21 (in a few weeks) and lay down some ground rules, then give him notice that he will need to pay towards his keep once he is qualified next Summer.

OP I AM 21 and I do not behave like this now but would if I still lived at home. Having my own place has forced me to live and be responsible for myself (having a child too but I don't suggest it for your son ). I would say my mother created that lazy selfish attitude in me by never expecting me to do anything as a toddler/child/teen and never giving me any real responsibilities or consequences. I never questioned my attitude because it was all I and my siblings had ever known and been taught. Only when I left home and had to really look after myself did I see how much of a lazy selfish sh*t I was. I felt awful for the way I used my mother as an appliance in the past and walked all over her and I now make sure I help out when I go round and encourage her to have some fun and relax.

I honestly think you should make him find his own place. Tell him that he is a grown lad now and has to learn to fend for himself and that you will be there for him in emergencies.

Also fearing for him and pandering to him will not help him. He is an adult. We have all gone through crap things in our lives but you are responsible for yourself when you become an adult. If he isn't now when do you expect him to start? Will he still be using your when he is 24? 27? 30? 34?

I appreciate you feel guilty but you will make things worse for him if you do not change things.

He's doing so many things wrong that I too think it best to just ask him to leave.

Thank you for your perspective MeltedChocolate. I can see what you are saying as I was also parented in the same way I am parenting my childen, but probably my mother was even worse! I too was a selfish shit and only after I left home at 19, mainly because my parents chose to move away from the area, did I start to take responsibility.

This morning I have spoken to DS about his latest strop on Monday, where he stalked out of the house when I reminded him my BF was coming for supper, and he had wanted his GF to come. There was plenty of casserole for all of us and I was happy to have her.

Turns out DS does no longer want to eat with my BF. DS says he has the right to decide this and I agreed that it is his choice. I have reminded DS that my BF has been invited for Xmas lunch along with my parents and so he (DS) must decide whether to have Xmas lunch with me or go to his fathers'. From reading between the lines I suspect DS's GF has said she does not like my BF and won't come if he is here.

DS also went out all last night and did not bother to go to his grandfathers' house for his 80th birthday. This was my fault as I did not remind him last night (though I had told him on Sunday).

I am now feeling much stronger as a result of reading all your helpful comments. I am going to take it step by step to establish boundaries. Immediately, I am not going to stop the relationship with my BF which I think is what DS wants, or stop him from coming to my house. On the 21st birthday after christmas, I am going to set the boundaries re: housework, attitude etc. I am gonig to give notice that I want rent to be paid from 1st August when he is qualified and his salary increased.

Ideally I would like DS to move out, whether that be to his fathers which will be a whole different regime, or get his own place. DS says he is not prepared to pay rent ever as it is dead money.

I'm sure I'll be coming back here frequently though as it is bound sure not to go smoothly!

I have support of DD aged 13, and my parents.

I'm not sure waiting for his 21st birthday is the best thing to do , do you want that to be the memory he has of that day? the phrase you're nearly 21 we need to lay down some ground rules works as well as now you're 21 ...
a magically change doesnt happen on his birthday he won't suddenly be mature enough to act like an adult you have to start laying the ground work now over several conversations instead of one big confrontation which will only make things worse

What I would do is deposit all his shit in his bedroom including washing up, laundry and car parts etc and shut the door.

Seriously, I would try and sit down and have a reasonable talk but if he did nto take not and was not reasonable then I wouldn't be either.

I would start with the laundry and the rent.

I too was a selfish slut, DM thought cos I was clever, I needed to concentrate on school work.