I wondered if anyone could give me some advice for dealing with my DS who is almost 21. I have a feeling I have made a rod for my own back somewhere along the line and need some tips for change, if that's the right thing to do.
I am a single parent having left and divorced my emotionally abusive H almost three years ago. H also made DS life a misery and was psychologically abusive to him as a result he was binge drinking, getting into debt, got dismissed from his part-time job and also took an overdose.
Once I left H, DS settled down a lot, got a GF, got his finances under control and is now in the last year of an apprenticeship. He earns about £200 p.w.
However, sometimes DS can speak to me in a disrespectful way which is very upsetting, he does no housework and even if I ask him to do a few jobs like changing a lightbulb - he says he is going to do them and then doesn't and I have to do it myself or ask someone else. I often think he has no respect for me and cares not a fig.
He also doesn't clean his room, doesn't make his bed and pays nothing towards the running of the house, even though he knows I am having a tough time financially. He often leaves his dirty pots and dishes for me to clear up and I do his washing and ironing. He dumps dirty clothes and his gym kit on the living room floor and doesn't tidy it up. He also leaves car parts (currently have 4 wheels) in the living room.
In addition, I have now met a nice man. We dated for 3 months before I told the DC's about him, they met him after 6 months and then when they had got to know him, he stayed the night with me for the first time having started dating a year ago.
By contrast, DS's GF stays at our home 2/3/4 nights per week, and has done for the past 2 years which is fine as I really like her. They eat the food I buy and use the electricity etc. that I pay for.
Just recently DS has been making comments about my BF coming to the house. He comes for dinner about 4 times a month, and stayed the night twice. My DC's like my BF but they don't like the fact that I have a BF if you see what I mean.
I would like to have a conversation with my DS where I explain that he is not being reasonable by complaining that my BF comes to the house. I feel upset that he thinks he can have a social life but I can't, even though I pay the mortgage.
I would also like to ask him to contribute financially, but don't know if this is reasonable and I am afraid of upsetting him and setting him back again. I know if I say any of this to him he will have a hissy fit and storm out of the house. I cannot talk to him about anything he perceives as negative or he will shout and storm out. and so I put up with everything.
all of DS's money is disposable income although he runs an iphone and has a car loan.
His father is of no help whatsoever, DS would or could not ever go to live with him as he would demand huge amounts of rent and expect him to do most of the work around the house. Incidentally his father moved his GF in 18 months ago having known her for 3 months, whilst I do things slowly and considerately and still end up in the bad books.
Don't know what to do. My friends, my mother and my BF think I am too soft, but I feel such terrible guilt and also I'm frightened to talk to him to be honest.
Help!