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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't feel good enough :-( !

43 replies

lovenit · 29/11/2011 15:13

I don't know if I'm just hormonal tbh, but I have been feeling this for a little while and I need to get it off my chest.

I've not long been with my bf nearly 3 months so we're still working each other out. I've had some terrible relationships and feel a complete failure anyway. This guy hasn't actually been in a relationship for nearly 4 years, he's dated loads of women but he has always been fussy who he gets involved with, so initially I was very flattered he wanted me as his gf and he seems to changed alot of things in order to have a relationship with me, and he says he's happy, but I just don't feel I'm good enough. I don't know if its me with the issues, or if this relationship isn't right. I feel a crap parent, feel I don't do enough like cook the things he likes, I feel my house isn't clean enough, I say the wrong things, sometimes do the wrong things around him. Yet other times I feel fantastic with him!

When I asked what he loves about me, as he has told me he loves me. He just says I scrub up well and am good in the sack lol! He thinks its funny and I can laugh with him but he doesn't seem to think its important to tell me my good points as i know my bad! Yet I tell him. People around him tell me he's besotted with me and they can't believe how happy he seems and can't actually believe he is in a relationship and advertising the fact. So whats going wrong here? Is it me??

OP posts:

ameliagrey · 29/11/2011 15:19

Yes, it's you.

You come over as having very low self esteem, insecure and eternally grateful that a man has clapped eyes on you, and likes you.

You need to work on YOU and believe you are worth something- without looking for a bloke to affirm that.

I would take his "loving you" with a pinch of salt TBH- 3 months is not long, and he doesn't sound as if he has settled down into a long term relationship with anyone, ever.

Everything you write here shows that you are bending over backwards to try to get this guy to love you- and feeling that what you do is not good enough.

someone who really loves you will love you for who you ARE- not some perfect image of a woman you have in your head.

I think you ought to back right off- stop asking him why.if/what he loves about you- and stop making him think you are desperate and keen- you'll just frighten him off.

malinkey · 29/11/2011 15:23

It certainly sounds like you have low self-esteem and it would be good to have some counselling to deal with that. Doesn't sound like this relationship is helping either and I would be wary of getting too involved with anyone while you're feeling like this.

"I don't know if its me with the issues, or if this relationship isn't right. I feel a crap parent, feel I don't do enough like cook the things he likes, I feel my house isn't clean enough, I say the wrong things, sometimes do the wrong things around him."

Does he tell you these things? If so, then he can probably tell you don't feel good about yourself and is playing on the fact. If not, then see above.

buzzswellington · 29/11/2011 15:32

It's difficult to know where this feeling is coming from. Is it from you or is it from him?

Why do you feel your house isn't clean enough for him? Does he run a finger along your picture frames, or make comments or 'jokes' about your housekeeping, or obviously look at bits that haven't been done?

Why do you feel like a crap parent? Same sort of questions arise to my mind, does he question your methods or compare you to someone else, criticise your children?

Why should it all be about you pleasing him with food etc? If you feel like you should be grateful to have him, that's really not healthy.

3 months is really early days, and it's ok to not feel entirely at ease with someone - but you have to work out whether it's about you not having much self-esteem (in which case you might not be in a good place for having a relationship until you learn your own value) or if he is creating the anxiety by undermining you subtly.

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:11

its just a feeling I get, yes things he says. Like he did kind of criticise the lack of routine in the morning I have getting the kids to school, he has suggested a few things, which I guess have helped but he never says anything I do is good, also he hasn't got children so I feel he doesn't really know how a parent feels if u know what I mean. He doesn't criticise my house but has said sutle things and I will catch him cleaning things, he prob thinks again he's being helpful but I feel a bit undermined. I say things in jest he takes offence by, but its ok to say things to me as I just laugh it off.

As for backing off, I have thats the problem, he now feels there's something wrong. I don't want to come across as needy as I'm not, I don't actually need a man I've proved that to myself recently, but I do want one that thinks I have something to offer!

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:18

Don't think this one is the right one lovenit. OK, you may be feeling a bit insecure etc. but he sounds like a passive aggressive twit.

malinkey · 29/11/2011 16:19

If you feel undermined you probably are being.

No way should he be criticising you like this. You've only been seeing him for three months and you're feeling like you're not good enough - I would say that is a big warning sign.

As is the fact that his friends are amazed that he's in a relationship and is apparently besotted.

What things do you say in jest that offend him?

Perhaps you shouldn't laugh off the things he says to you.

I think the fact you've been in terrible relationships and feel a complete failure may be what he loves about you.

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:21

hmmm must admit this is what I'm thinking more and more too fuzzynavel. I don't think its really helping my insecurities.

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:26

No lovenit it won't. He needs to be outted doesn't he. Well done for listening to your inner voice. Have you had any councilling?

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:29

No I haven't but maybe I should, I should probably be on my own as I do seem to attract the wrong men! Not very good at ending them either though any tips?

OP posts:

buzzswellington · 29/11/2011 16:32

He sounds like bad news.

He's got no right to be picking up on your parenting/housekeeping.

If he takes offence easily at what you say, but you're expected to laugh off what he says - this isn't good - he's telling you his feelings count, but yours don't, you silly little thing.

Too much like hard work, too much like someone looking for someone to crush down - I think you should dump his arse.

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:33

Why should you be cooking loads of stuff he would like anyway? Frigging cheek! He should be bringing you takeaways. Suggesting/contributing to a babysitter so he can take you out for the night.

You scrub up well and are good in the sack... grrrrrrrr

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:37

yes I know!! I mean don't get me wrong I'm telling you the bad things, obviously there are good things I wouldn't of stayed with him even this long if there wasn't. But yes I am getting warning signs and it is getting me down, I feel I just want to left alone! Not sure what to say to him though

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:37

Just tell him he's an arrogant passive aggressive nit picking creep things aren't working for you. Then erase all contact numbers etc.

OP, a few years ago I was like you. Blimey I could tell you some stories due to my lack of self esteme. Booked into councilling and never looked back.

buzzswellington · 29/11/2011 16:37

Oh, I think for a prize like him, a 'you're dumped' text and no further contact. Block his number/email etc. He sounds like he'll be a cling-on if he realises you're trying to brush him off.

buzzswellington · 29/11/2011 16:40

And then perhaps some counselling for yourself and work on that self-esteem and twat-radar.

And no introducing any guy to your kids so early again (unless his criticism of your morning routine is based on you telling him about it rather than witnessing it).

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:40

yeh see thats something else he is a very good cook and has cooked for me and we've got takeaways. I just feel through things he's said what I cook isn't good enough as I don't cook things from scratch like he would like. I tend to do quick meals like pasta, sausage mash etc because thats what the kids like....oh the whole thing is just annoying me and you guys are just confirming what I'm feeling. How do I end this though thats the bit I'm never good at,do I invite him over to explain as its a bit cowardly to do it on the phone or text isn't it?

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:42

Sorry OP, got to dash as working day over till tomorrow. I don't really come on here in the evenings but will pop in and see how you're doing tomorrow.

Just remember - if it feels wrong it generally is.

fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:43

It's only been 2 odd months, dump him any way you feel is easier for you. Text is what I'd do. Over, gone.. bye bye.

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:44

Oh and just to confirm the kids already knew him as I met him through friends that my kids play with, they haven't had alot to do with him though!

OP posts:

malinkey · 29/11/2011 16:45

However you do it don't feel you have to keep explaining or apologising to him. You make a decision, tell him and that's that.

Good luck!

AnyFucker · 29/11/2011 16:46

if he isn't making you feel comfortable and happy, then he has to go

you've been with him 3 months ?

I think a text phone call is perfectly good enough

or change of FB status

really love, just tell him he is not what you are looking for

you owe him a basic explanation, but no more

buzzswellington · 29/11/2011 16:49

Sorry.

I'd go with texting . Inviting him over just makes life harder than it needs to be - I never can understand why there has to be a big dramatic scene or curtain drop for it not to be 'cowardly' - rot, I say . You've only been dating a short time, there's no need to make it a big event - just text 'this isn't working for me, although I've enjoyed your company, it's not you, it's me, blah blah, have a nice life' or similar.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 29/11/2011 16:50

Why are you cooing for him and why is he even there in the mornng to see your before school routine? It's far too early and tbh it sounds like he's got it made, a place to stay, a nice warm bed and no responsibility. Why are you in such a rush, and with someone who makes you feel so inadequate? All I get from 'This guy hasn't actually been in a relationship for nearly 4 years, he's dated loads of women but he has always been fussy who he gets involved with' is that he likes to shag around and you're his latest piece. Sorry. Dump him and get some self esteem.

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:56

Yep I agree I'm a bloody stupid cow and it has to stop now I'm better than this!!!! Thank u guys honesty is the best policy and I knew I would get it on here! Though the situation is always more complicated than I can explain on here

OP posts:

Original poster

lovenit · 29/11/2011 16:57

we were actually happier on our own anyway, I just felt lonely sometimes at the weekend but stuff this!!!

OP posts:

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