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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no sex drive and he has PE is this the cause.

34 replies

Dinkiedoo · 28/11/2011 16:17

Im 50 and have a few health issues and am now going through the menopause.
Ive been with hubby now for 8 years . At first we had a reasonable sex life. Now it is awful and practically none existent.
When we do have sex it is over in about 3 minutes as hubby has premature ejaculation problems. We have tried condoms with numbing stuff on them but he just got soft .We have tried the squeeze technique too .Now he just gets on gets off and says sorry its not nice for you but does nothing about it now.
Now and again he will preform oral sex on me but that's a rare occurrence.
Because he is so selfish in bed I now cant be bothered at all . He makes the odd snide comment about how we only have sex once a month which I ignore as I dont want to blow up and upset him.He is very loving and affectionate its just in the bedroom he is letting me down .

OP posts:
Malificence · 28/11/2011 16:40

Sorry, the only cure for this is more regular sex, every day for at least a week until he loses his hair trigger then at least every 5 days, it's worth a try as then sex will improve for you and you'll both be a lot happier.

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 28/11/2011 16:56

we tried that for two weeks .......

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 28/11/2011 16:57

I think the main point is his selfish attitude....wam bam and thank you mam....then he says aww I wish you enjoyed it too or Im sorry you were just getting going then ...BUT DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT !!!!!!

OP posts:
Malificence · 28/11/2011 17:04

Yes, it's selfish, BUT, he's probably devastated each and every tme he "fails",
he must be incredibly stressed if it keeps happening, does he last longer if he's had a few drinks? Have you tried different positions? Lots of lube?
If it's been going downhill for years then it might take longer than two weeks to fix - what about sex more than once a day, does he last longer the second time?

RubyRainbow · 28/11/2011 17:07

I have the same problems Dinkiedoo and we have been married 25 years! He has never lost his 'hair trigger' and it is not as simple as Malificence suggests. He will do oral which is nice but also seems to expect me to be able to orgasm through penetration sometimes and this just isn't gonna happen... problem is he doesn't like to admit that there is a problem or that he can do anything about it
sorry not much help but I do sympathise

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 28/11/2011 17:14

malifence .thanks for your reply . I know he sometimes feels bad about his performance but if he felt that bad surely he would try to do something about it that isnt suggested by me. Perhaps he could try lots of foreplay and making sure I was happy before he pleasured himself. I barely get a kiss nowadays.
We have tried for years to sort this out not just two weeks but all I get now is a feeling he does not care .Im not even frustrated anymore I just dont want sex.
He cant manage sex twice in one day either so would not know about lasting longer second time.
Rubyrainbow thanks for your reply .does your husband kiss you or try to arouse you as mine doesnt anymore :-(

OP posts:
Malificence · 28/11/2011 17:16

OP implied it was a fairly recent problem, which is usually a fairly simple fix, what you're talking about Ruby, sounds like a deeply ingrained lifelong problem that would take sex therapy to cure.

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 28/11/2011 17:17

sorry malifence but its not a fairly recent thing .its just getting to me now

OP posts:
RubyRainbow · 28/11/2011 17:24

He is not great on kissing either! but yes we do have foreplay and I can get aroused that way... it is just frustrating I guess that after all this time he seems to be so in denial that he has a problem, so won't get help and can't see how much better our sex life could have been if he had. Yes Malificence you are right that sex therapy would be the way to go, if he had time.
Dinkie... does he not like to give you oral then? he could do this first so he knows you are satisfied before he starts, may take the pressure off?

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 28/11/2011 17:27

he says he likes doing it but in the last 12 months it has happened about 3 times! see what I mean about selfish.
My doc has suggested HRT but what's the point of being horny with no outlet ?
He likes me to initiate sex too so if I dont we dont bother but then he will make snide remarks. next time he does he will be told a few home truths me thinks

OP posts:
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 28/11/2011 17:32

My exp used to do this, I think he just couldn't be arsed trying to last longer, and was quite happy as long as he came.

RubyRainbow · 28/11/2011 17:34

Mine's the same Dinkie... he wants me to initiate or he just accuses me of not being interested even though he hasn't tried himself!

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 18:13

I think anyone this selfish in bed, performance anxiety or not, does not deserve you holding your tongue in reply to his snide comments

I think you should tell him exactly what you want, and make it clear he is failing to satisfy you, not because he has PE (which of course is a problem) but that he is too lazy/doesn't care enough to make sure you get an orgasm too

The way forward with the PE...I dunno, he has to accept it is a problem though, that is for sure

At the moment, while you accept a crap sex life and feel too frightened to tell him because of how he may react, there is no problem as far as he is concerned

Fairenuff · 28/11/2011 18:59

I think you should remind him of his manners - 'lady's first' Wink

Malificence · 28/11/2011 19:11

I don't get these men, sex must be utterly crap for them too, peaking that quickly ruins orgasms and causes huge frustration.

The complete lack of intimacy is far worse than the crap sex though, stupid men.

carernotasaint · 28/11/2011 22:56

Agree with Any Fucker.

RockinD · 07/01/2012 18:18

Evening all. New poster and so glad I found this thread as I am in the same position as OP.

We are in our late 50s and have been together 10 years, married for 7 1/2. We were OK until 2006 when my coil slipped and I bled constantly for a year before this was found (I assumed mistakenly that it was the menopause). We had sex very rarely over that year and since the problem was fixed, that's pretty much how it's stayed.

This is the first decent relationship I've had and is my first opportunity to have a decent sex life. I'm not saying I want to swing from the chandeliers, but either way, it's all gone wrong and I don't know how to fix it. He seems genuinely sorry, but no longer takes any trouble to give me any pleasure, so very good at apologising and NBG at anything else.

I did suggest we might explore other possibilities, like lube and/or a vibrator, but he won't talk about it.

Not told anyone about this before, but you seem a nice group.

fiventhree · 07/01/2012 18:38

I agree with AF. And it isnt acceptable not to be willing to talk about it, however difficult. The not talking is a relationship problem , not a sexual dysfunction problem. The second issue can be sorted out together, with his willingness.

My ex h from many years ago had this issue too- but I realised later that he was a poor communicator all round.

Diggs · 09/01/2012 14:51

Dinkie , you said your sex life was ok at first and is now non existant . I would really question whether a 42 year old man suddenly develops premature ejaculation . Even if he did sureley he would be eager to resolve it ? Premature ejaculation or not , sureley he is capable of meeting your needs in other ways , yet he doesnt even try .

I would seriously question whether this is really something he cant help or if he just comes when he wants to . My ex was exactly the same , it was horrible , it was over in seconds then he would apologise like a little boy . He would do nothing to get me off yet expected me to have sex with him and make snide comments when i didnt .

Obviously i do not know your situation , but i do know that some men will do this deliberateley to control their partners pleasure during sex , and also as a way to be the injured party, ie " you dont want sex anymore " .

Personally if hes not interested in pleasing you i wouldnt be interested in having sex with him .

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 09/01/2012 16:29

Diggs you have hit the nail on the head.
I dont want sex with him as its all about him. He does the sorry thing and says he feels bad but does nothing about it.He did give me oral about 2 months ago and tried last night but I couldnt be arsed to be honest.
Our sex life was ok when we met as we only saw eachother once a week and we had sex 3 times in a weekend. No PE then funnily enough .
I think his problem stem from a late "development" and in experience and too many porn films when he was single .I imagine he thinks I should start moaning and groaning the minute he touches me and I should have a screaming orgasm after about 6 seconds but the reality is so much different eh
I dont know what to do . I think my marriage is falling apart.Everything is about him and his family and I am bored silly .
I am out of work now so Im stuck at home and when he comes home we barely speak any more. He goes upstairs on his computer or to talk to the cat ! while I sit downstairs knitting or baking .we are like an old married couple and we only 50.
How do you get out of such a rut ?

OP posts:
Diggs · 09/01/2012 18:13

I didnt Dinkie , i divorced him and am much happier for it . His selfish attitude in the bedroom was simply a symptom of his selfish attitude in all other areas of his life . On top of that i had to tolerate bad personal hygeine, groping and constant snide remarks about lack of sex . I dont miss it !

We were young when we married and to this day i still feel angry about the sex life / closeness that he deprived me of . I couldnt help but smile about your comments about the expected moaning and groaning , did i mention he used to say i was boring , crap in bed ect !

Original poster
Dinkiedoo · 11/01/2012 14:36

i dont want divorce . I do still love him but I am so angry and frustrated .
He doesnt listen to me .for example.Went for a fasting blood test yesterday .He rang and asked what I was up to ....blood test darling .remember? oh yes ....what did you have fro breakfast? ....fasting blood test ...remember ?
Today ......we were looking for a present online for his dad .husband mentioned he would like a certain item so I said I would get it for him.Item arrived today so I sent a text."there is a present just arrived for you " to which he replied....."Im not expecting anything babes."
I sent another saying ..you sat right next to me while I ordered it !

I feel he has no interest in me other than a sexual object :-(

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 11/01/2012 21:05

I keep recommending them... but get hold of 'The Sex Starved Marriage' and the 'Sex Starved Wife' by Michele Weiner Davis, 'The Sex Diaries' by Bettina Ardnt is also very good at arming yourself with knowledge.

Although it sounds like there are quite a few problems other than sex in your marriage..... get thee to a counsellor - Relate have specialist psychosexual counsellors so I'd start there.

mike1May · 12/01/2012 01:19

Ruddy Nora! How many posts do we see on this forum from women who basically don't understand men?
"perhaps he could try lots of foreplay" you say. If he was getting lots of foreplay from you every day, he wouldn't have such a hair-trigger!

Look to yourself and what you're doing (or not doing) instead of coming on here and slagging off your husband.

rafreg · 12/01/2012 09:39

Well said Mike, as soon as someone on here mentions a slight failing in a bloke, everyone turns up on the outrage bus.

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