no sex drive and he has PE is this the cause.

[Dinkiedoo]

Im 50 and have a few health issues and am now going through the menopause.
Ive been with hubby now for 8 years . At first we had a reasonable sex life. Now it is awful and practically none existent.
When we do have sex it is over in about 3 minutes as hubby has premature ejaculation problems. We have tried condoms with numbing stuff on them but he just got soft .We have tried the squeeze technique too .Now he just gets on gets off and says sorry its not nice for you but does nothing about it now.
Now and again he will preform oral sex on me but that's a rare occurrence.
Because he is so selfish in bed I now cant be bothered at all . He makes the odd snide comment about how we only have sex once a month which I ignore as I dont want to blow up and upset him.He is very loving and affectionate its just in the bedroom he is letting me down .

I m not slagging him off , I need advice. He is happy with wam bam thank you mam. Im not and he wont do anything about it apart from make snide remarks and being bad tempered.
Ive tried kissing him and starting foreplay be he just jumps on does his bit and says sorry cos its quick. I have no sex life I feel like a bit of meat .
I do lots of stuff for my husband. I cook and clean ...he does none but as I am out of work at the mo because of health problems thats fine. I try and create nice meals for when he comes home.suggest days out etc but he would rather sit on his computer perusing his hobby.
If I go out for a day I bring him little gifts back to show him I was thinking about him.
I came on here as I want to do something about our relationship before its too late .Isnt that what these discussion boards are for ??

rafreg ...so my problem is a slight failing is it ?
having no sex life and being taken for granted is ok then ?
For a man just to think of himself is ok I take it .....

mike, have you read the thread before you come bamboozling in full of outrage? This is not AIBU but Relationships.

I have no word of wisdom Dinkie, but you need to talk to him before this festers and get any worse.

Could you look at some books together or watch that Sex: How to do everything on five.tv online? Maybe get his interest in techniques on how to please you before intercourse? Or look on Lovehoney/ Ann Summers for some toys (for both of you)?

Can rings delay it somehow?

Tell him hands can be amazing things sometimes.

I have suggested loads of stuff but it just stays the same and he just says sorry I know its all my fault . I dont even get a kiss before sex now and I often feel a bit violated.strong words I know .
He is a wonderful man in so many other ways and I am lucky but this is really getting me down and the strain between is showing .
I want a sex life and have told him that. I am affectionate ..I initiate sex ...he doesnt anymore ...he thinks thats up to me !

I have suggested a night out next week where we get dressed up and have a good time . we havent done that for ages.

Dinkiedoo, I dont think this will work. It will just up the pressure on him. There are two separate problems here, surely. One is he is selfish in bed. The other is PE. They are not the same.

I think you both need to reattach emotionally and to TALK. A sex therapist can guide this. If you cant go or he wont, then maybe at least one or two sessions yourself for some tips on a process which may work? I understand that the first thing is to take the pressure off sex, to not deny the problem, to make him feel appreciated in other ways, ie to rebuild trust, and also to start without full sex ie foreplay only- agreed between you. Ive only read this, mind, Im no expert.

Good luck.

Of any use??

Male Sexuality (1978) and the New Male Sexuality (1992) by Bernie Zilbergeld. The second edition of this book is, in my view, the best reference that has been written on the subject of male sexuality. It covers all aspects of male sexuality, and gives decent psychological advice about relationships as well. Very non-judgmental. The most famous part of this book are the "exercises" for dealing with premature ejaculation and improving one's sex life. Don't think of exercise as work.

Quote from sexuality.org, www.sexuality.org/l/sex/dsmansex.html

read the article and found some good idea so suggested them last night with no luck.
we havent had sex for about two weeks now. Ive not initiated and neither has he.
This morning he got up at half five for work as usual , Id been awake since three am .Im having big problems sleeping because of my back etc.He was shouting at the cats and then he couldn't find the garage key . I had it last so I got up and found it (after about 1 minute). After being told I should put things back where they belong I told him everyone makes mistakes and went back upstairs. I was so mad I decided to go into the shower and stay up.
I know its because he hasnt had his leg over and its really pissing me off.
I do forget things its the joys of menopause and he knows this .
He is not the man I married but I know he is there somewhere

If he is not even kissing you before sex and just "jumping on" does it not hurt a lot if you are not aroused? If you feel violated, I would stop. You get nothing out of the 3 minute thing, why continue with it?