Can anyone spare an orgasm?

[sexuallyfrustrated]

Must go with anonymity on this one girls.

This isn't a huge problem for me, but something that I think about now and again and then it bothers me (as i thought about it this morning, hence this thread)

The fact is that in the 4 years we've been together my dh has never given me an orgasm, neither penetrative or oral/hand. At the beginning of our relationship he was concerned about it but as I've never been someone to climax through penetration (how I envy these women who can climax through penetration alone!), and also so not to dampen his confidence I'd constantly reassure him I didn't mind. And I really didn't. Instead, I would touch myself during sex and we'd both enjoy an orgasm. I was hoping that as our relationship progressed he'd try to 'discover' me more but he never did.

Now he seems to take it for granted that I won't have an orgasm and doesn't do anything to help me. I'll get initial arousal from him through breast stimulation and brief touches 'down there' but that's as far as he takes it. I often give him oral/hand sex but I never get it in return. I know that he would if I asked but then it feels very false and I feel very unsexy knowing that I've asked him to and we end up getting nowhere. In these situations I end up feeling half horny, completely unsatisfied, quietly frustrated and often finishing myself in the bathroom if IYKWIM (oh my, what a pretty picture I must make !!! ) )

In the past year it's been getting to the stage that if I feel horny I'd actually rather him be out so that I can do it myself cos I know that with him I'll be left unsatisfed.

It's not him not caring, it's because I'm his first sexual partner and he was INCREDIBLY unconfident at first, and still he doesn't really know what to do when it comes to anything below the breast.

I have talked to him numerous times about it but he frequently ends up feeling bad about himself, or he tries to stimulate me but then it all seems so false and I'd feel under pressure to get turned on so we'd both end up upset and frustrated.

Does anyone else have any insights/advice/simiar situations...? I really don't want to think I'll have to be 'DIY'ing for the rest of my life!!

no insights/advice sorry, but loads of sympathy. I think that you are doing the best thing not faking it, that is such a no winner. I did it with an ex a long time ago, and that was it then, had to do it all the time.

I can't orgasm thru penetration either

beetroot - I've not heard of Kim Cattrell but will go and check out Amazon...

lilibet - I faked it with an ex to and, like you, had to carry on. I was determined never to travel down that road again.

I know you don't want to have to point it out to him, but I think you will have to speak to him about it.

What about having kind fooling around session.... you know... let him fiddle around with your 'bits' without the pressure of trying to arouse you. Could be quite fun.... and he can get to know you and not be so intimidated.

Dunno if that would work, but DH and I have done that before and it was a right giggle! Almost like a question and answer session!

I do sympathise..... it must be awful for you.

Samantha

M2T, a 'fooling around' session sounds like a good idea. What's awful is that I know dh will be almost scared to be down that end Definitely worth a try though. I'd so love to try different things like this and I know I'll only ever be the one to suggest things because as far as he's concerned, he's getting enough.

Buy a cosmo and sit reading it and point things out to him, find something he will like and offer to do it for him, then draw his attention to some other things written in the article? After a glass or two of wine!

SF - It is fun and it's a great way for your DH to get a bit of experience. Give him a couple of hour long sessions and he'll be champing at the bit to practice his new found skills.

If all else fails..... don't give him any sex! maybe a short sharp shock will be just what he needs to encourage him to be a keen and enthusiastic student!

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DL!! You are so uncouthe.

Where's dadslib when you need him to give advice from a male point of view.

Honestly tho' SF, you can't expect your dh to know what you want if you don't tell him.

I know it sounds false saying "do this .... no, not like that" etc, but you have to somehow convey what you like, what works for you. You also need to make sure he knows you're dissatisfied. He may think, given your history, that you are content, just the non-orgasmic type.

Just a thought, how about having a few drinks together, then letting him watch you DIY it. might open things up a bit.

Ah - dadslib, I was waiting for your testosteroney opinion

You're quite right about me being the teacher, but unfortunately any 'pupil' can often end up feeling resentful being given advice or even just suggestions. It's rather de-masculinating, or whatever it's called...

I'd just hoped that 4 years down the line dh would have been motivated enough (and desirous enough) to ask me what pleases me, really try to experiment with me and show me he wants to satisfy me etc, but he just avoids the whole issue now, or area should I say....

In Men's Health magazine they have (maybe 'had'?)a column which very explicitly and very impressivley explained to men exactly how to do things like good oral sex. It was quite cheeky and funny, and I would have thought quite re-assuring for men, not accusatory etc. Don't know if you can access any of those for him to read.

Otherwise sexual fantasies written by women, such as the Nancy Friday books, which have real women describing in detail what they like...might give him confidence and ideas...introduce them as erotica rather than an instruction manual, perhaps!

Or play a game "I have cast a spell over you and you have to do exactly what I say..." (and don't introduce anything too scary the first few times!)

Or get some chocolate body paint...or just honey, tell him he has to lick it off from wherever you pour it...again, get him to do it first if that seems less threatening.

Sit on top and use his (preferred affectionate euphemism) to stimulate your clit, so that he gets an idea of how and what you like...and sees the effect it has on you.

Drink a bottle of wine, and let him watch you masturbate? again, ostensibly for his pleasure...but he should learn something.

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Saw this advertised in one of the weekend supplements, it might help www.vielle.info/

Ummm, DL, a magnum IS oral sex.

hey! SF, tell your DH you are an ice cream....

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I don't orgasm, I never have. I don't feel like I'm missing out in any way, but it bothers DH a lot. I'm sure if I hadn't been the same with several other men he would feel like a complete failure. Does anyone else not "climax" and also feel totally unbothered about it?

Have you tried DIYing it during sex? A) It will give DH an idea of how to do it, B) It works and C) it seems to turn them on too.

Using his as Blu says works well too.

And do you mean a Magnum isn't oral sex??

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SF, I am picking up what you're saying about it being his lack of motivation to care about your pleasure as well as the vitamin F itself...and here we all are getting kinky. But since you were so 'understanding' in the first place, and didn't make a big deal about it, he is probably protecting his own lack of confidence by taking refuge in your initial understanding low-key response to not coming. But he won't change and show any understanding now without a bit of a prompt from you. I think you will have to try not to 'blame' him, but if you don't tackle it now, you will end up really resenting him.

Just a thought, I wonder if you DID fake it just once, he might see what he's missing, IYSWIM, and try to make it happen again!

This Magnum reference is really confusing me. Am I just too innocent?