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Relationships

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Original poster

Do i tell my husband and friend???

43 replies

sazzler197 · 28/11/2011 11:30

hi everyone

Just after some advice really, went out on saturday night with my husband, my friend and her husband, we have all known each other for years and get on very well and we have booked to go away on holiday for 2 weeks next Aug! Anyway we all got home on Saturday night and our friends were sleeping in our spare room, my husband and friend went upstairs to blow up the air bed and i was asleep on the sofa, my friends husband woke me up as i had fallen asleep on setee and he started saying how all these girls have been showing interest in them and that they were fit and asked if i felt like that about other men, as to which i replied no, he then all of a sudden leant over me and started to kiss me which i immediately pullled away from!! I must add he was very very drunk and out of character but can't beleive he did it, i was so shocked and dissapointed, i managed to pudh him off fast and say no, then my husband came back downstairs, i just couldn't beleive it, my friend would be devasted if she knew and i know my husband would be upset too! The next morning he was very quiet but was hung over, would you tell your friend and husband??? Or would you just put it down to a drunken mistake by him?? it's on my mind but i know if i tell my friend she would be absolutely heartbroken!

OP posts:

kaluki · 28/11/2011 11:38

If it was me I would tackle him on his own and make it clear that what he did was totally unacceptable and if it happens again you will tell his wife. I expect he is totally mortified now.
If you are long standing friends I'm sure it can be written off as a drunken mistake and hopefully shouldn't spoil the friendship.

tigermoll · 28/11/2011 11:55

I agree that you should have a work with the friend's husband, - if you say nothing at all, it sort of gives him the message that you will keep secrets/are scared of rocking the boat, and that might encourage him to try again.

Say to him very firmly that he crossed a line, and that if it ever happens again you will tell his wife and your husband. He will probably claim he can't remember and seem embarrassed and shocked, - he can't believe he did that, he is so sorry, what was he thinking etc. Accept his apology THIS TIME.

When you guys are on holiday, try not to be in a situation where you are all drunk and it is just the two of you. Don't flirt with him or respond to his flirting.

When people are drunk, they don't really act out of character, - they just do things they would normally be able to stop themselves doing. He tried to kiss you because he finds you attractive and hoped you would reciprocate, - NOT because he was 'so drunk he didn't know what he was doing'.

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 28/11/2011 12:01

Gawd, I must be weird. I find it impossible to keep secrets and would almost certainly have yelled 'WTF are you doing?!' right then and there. I suspect everyone would then know . I definitely couldn't keep it from DH.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 12:04

what a cock he is

it's not too late to get out of this couples holiday, is it ?

bubblechristmaspop · 28/11/2011 12:07

Yes I would tell my husband 100%. I couldn't lie to him about something like this. As I'd hope he'd tell me if some "drunk" friend tried it on.

kaluki · 28/11/2011 12:44

Whether you tell your DH or not depends really on how you think he will react and how it will affect his friendship with this man.

If it happened to me I would probably keep quiet once, but then if it happened again then I'd sing like a canary!!!

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 28/11/2011 12:46

Tell your dh.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 28/11/2011 13:05

Tell DH. This is not the sort of thing you should be keeping from him. Then whether you tell your friend or not will be a joint decision by both of you.
I would be thinking very carefully about whether to go on this holiday now.
Drunkness isn't really an excuse, I've been in some right old states but it's never occurred to me to try and cop off with my friend's husband.

ArtVandelay · 28/11/2011 13:13

I would tell my DH because he deserves to know if his friend is after his wife and to decide if he wants to go on holiday with him. If it gets backs to your (female) friend then so be it. Also best to be 100% honest in case this idiot ever tries to make out you were complicit in the kiss and then your DH will be furious you kept a secret.

Put your relationship with your DH first.

MmeLindor. · 28/11/2011 13:17

Is it your friend and her husband, or your DH's friend and his wife (if you see what I mean). How do you know each other?

I would have a quiet word with him and give him the opportunity to apologise. And tell him that if he doesn't speak to his wife about it then you will cancel the holiday.

Make him do it, don't put yourself in the position of being the bad person spoiling the holiday.

SirSugar · 28/11/2011 13:22

What an utter tosser! I wouldn't go on holiday and I'd tell my DH.

Self absorbed wanker he is thinking the fit girls are interested!

Some friend, needs to be kicked into far side

PlumpDogPillionaire · 28/11/2011 13:28

I'd tell DH at least.
Most likely, if you try and 'negotiate' or get an apology from the friend then out of guilt or generaly crappiness/selfishness, he'll try and distort or revise the situation to downplay it or make you somehow responsible. And you'll have a shabby little 'secret' with him which will be quite nauseating on holiday.

What's your relationship like with the female friend/wife? It's probably best that you don't keep it 'secret' from her.

I wouldn't recommend trying to control what goes on between the two of them, though. How on earth would you really know what he'll tell her, other than the likelihood that it'll be a distortion and probably some crap that will try and turn you into the guilty party.

lisad123 · 28/11/2011 13:35

I would tell my dh, if he ever found out I kept that from him, he would certainly consider why I hadn't told him and if I fancied idiot friend.
As for friends wife, I think that's something he needs to do

PopcornMouse · 28/11/2011 13:42

If you tell his wife, I can see it ending badly - he will say you came on to him, she'll hate you, you'll be angry with him, DH will be angry with everyone....... gah

Tell your DH, he should know the truth from the off. But I wouldn't tell his wife. And I certainly wouldn't be going on holiday with them, as this kind of thing may reoccur and you'll be stuck somewhere with them

PopcornMouse · 28/11/2011 13:43

I suppose my point is that their relationship clearly has ishoos, and you do not want to be drawn into them - the fallout could be massive.

JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 14:01

Oh dear. I'd tell them both because anything else gives snogging man the impression that you value him more than your friend and your husband.

I'd tell them both. Tell DH first then tell your friend.

Good luck.

JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 14:03

'If you tell his wife, I can see it ending badly - he will say you came on to him, she'll hate you, you'll be angry with him, DH will be angry with everyone....... gah'

I'd still go with this option because truthfully, what are you protecting if you don't? Do you really want a shared secret with this knobhead? I'd be glad to be out of the friendship because it isn't one.

Shame if your female friend takes his side but that's not your decision to make, it's hers...he may even have form.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 28/11/2011 16:16

I agree with JaneBirkin.
Getting it together to tell your friend (his wife) for sure won't be fun, but you've got a lot more to lose in the long runs if the truth ever outs and you haven't told her.
Also, if you don't tell her, you've colluded with him.
Either she's got some idea already that he behaves like this, and in some way she might be relieved it's out to talk about.
Or she knows nothing, he'll carry on and potentially she'll become a victim of his knobendy philandering.
Or (I hate to say this, but maybe it's possible) she knows and is in denial/telling herself that her DH is so sexy that silly women just can't keep away from him. ( but there are women who choose to think like this.)
In which case... well, you're still better off not keeping his secret for him.

And if it really was an out of character, pissed one off, then surely it's better that you can all laugh about it, rather than giving it the force that would gather around it if it stayed taboo.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 28/11/2011 16:16

long run*

ZhenXiang · 28/11/2011 16:24

Yes you should tell your husband and your friend. Your loyalty is to the man you married and you should be honest with him.

Your friend also deserves the truth. I know that people often use alcohol as an excuse for their behaviour, but really it just loosens inhibitions and therefore he was acting on what was in his mind already as he instigated it. If he was feeling amorous his wife was upstairs, there is no excuse for his behaviour.

If she doesn't like what she hears and acts all funny when you tell her then just cut your losses and she will lose a good friend who has her best interests at heart.

Bartimaeus · 28/11/2011 16:41

Tell DH

HoudiniHissy · 28/11/2011 16:53

You have to tell your H.. If you don't and this gets out, he'll wonder why you didn't tell him at the first chance.

The holiday thing needs re-thinking too.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 28/11/2011 16:54

I wouldn't be able to not say anything, it would eat away at me and I would end up feeling guilty when I had done nothing wrong!

Original poster

sazzler197 · 28/11/2011 19:40

Thanks for all your replies, really appreciate it! She is my friend and i used to work with her, i still can't beleive it but again just putting it down to him being very drunk! I really want to tell my dh but i just don't want to ruin our friendship as my dh gets along very well with him too... sort of feeling like what they don't know won't hurt them! I have not been able to stop thinking about this all day though, why should i be the one that feels like this! I know he will be regretting this so much, he is, or so i thought a nice guy, just could not beleive it as i thought he was a happily married man, and now it seems not hey! There is no way i can tell my friend, it would crush her to peices, and i know that she would stay with him anyway!!! Just don't know about dh i never keep any secrets from him at all, and if anything was to come out he would wonder why i hadn't said anything!! I am the sort of person who just likes to keep the peace, allthough if i thought my dh would have done this with my friend it would break my heart too!! Oh what to do :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

sazzler197 · 28/11/2011 19:41

Also our holiday is booked and quite a big deposit has gone down, our kids really looking forward to it, they don't have any children! Do you think have a word with him first to see what the hell he was playing at?? allthough i know we won't see them for a while now!

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