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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do i tell my husband and friend???

43 replies

sazzler197 · 28/11/2011 11:30

hi everyone

Just after some advice really, went out on saturday night with my husband, my friend and her husband, we have all known each other for years and get on very well and we have booked to go away on holiday for 2 weeks next Aug! Anyway we all got home on Saturday night and our friends were sleeping in our spare room, my husband and friend went upstairs to blow up the air bed and i was asleep on the sofa, my friends husband woke me up as i had fallen asleep on setee and he started saying how all these girls have been showing interest in them and that they were fit and asked if i felt like that about other men, as to which i replied no, he then all of a sudden leant over me and started to kiss me which i immediately pullled away from!! I must add he was very very drunk and out of character but can't beleive he did it, i was so shocked and dissapointed, i managed to pudh him off fast and say no, then my husband came back downstairs, i just couldn't beleive it, my friend would be devasted if she knew and i know my husband would be upset too! The next morning he was very quiet but was hung over, would you tell your friend and husband??? Or would you just put it down to a drunken mistake by him?? it's on my mind but i know if i tell my friend she would be absolutely heartbroken!

OP posts:

omaoma · 28/11/2011 19:45

... i think i must be really cynical but i would tell my DH just in case he and the other bloke were quietly wondering if some swinging was possible on holiday... to make it clear you weren't up for it. it was the way you said he'd been alone with your DH before he turned up suddenly amorous.

bubblechristmaspop · 28/11/2011 20:12

You know what to do. Don't keep it secret from your hubby. Secrets have a habit of festering.

TheOriginalFAB · 28/11/2011 20:15

It won't be you ruining the friendship with your husband. He did that when he tried to snog his husband's wife. You have to tell your DH as he will think you have something to hide when hr finds out, as he will find out.

enuffalready · 28/11/2011 20:17

Sorry, but I don't understand how you could NOT tell your DH? I'd have told my DH as soon as it happened.

As someone said, why would you want to have such a secret with someone else? Even I'd you don't tell your friend, tell your DH. And do it soon. The longer you leave it, the more your DH is going to wonder what else you're hiding.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 20:23

when he gets pissed again on holiday and refers back to your "little secret" in front of everyone, you will wish you brought it out into the open

you will also wish you wrote that holiday deposit off

FabbyChic · 28/11/2011 20:23

I think you should have told your husband immediately after it happened, leaving it makes you look bad.

YOu tell the husband he deals with it simple.

whatstheetiquette · 28/11/2011 20:29

You should tell your own husband, certainly. How could you even consider keeping a secret like that, relevant to your own marriage?

I personally wouldn't tackle your friend's husband about it. If you tell you friend, you may lose the friendship but personally, I think I probably would although you can discuss that with your husband.

HappyHubbie · 28/11/2011 21:17

If you tell your DH, several things will happen:

Your friendship with that couple is over.
Your friend's DH will blame you (to save his own skin), she will believe him, and that friendship is over too.
You lose a load of money on a holiday
Your husband is miserable and, depending on what kind of man he is, potentially goes and thumps the other guy
You're miserable for the above four reasons.

All that for a drunken attempted kiss. Seems a harsh price to pay.

I would speak to the other man, tell him it's never to happen again, and then leave it at that. He's possibly more embarrassed (and frightened) than you might think.

Does he deserve to be punished? Yes, of course, but in the end you're the one who'll lose the most.

If you tell your DH he will react (not necessarily violently), it's what men do. You cannot tell your DH in the expectation that he will go "oh, ok then, thanks for telling me".

If you were my wife I would want to know if you wanted my support or help in sorting the issue (e.g. he keeps pestering you). If he'd groped you or something then you should tell him, but a drunken one-off is not the same. You don't need to protect yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

TheOriginalFAB · 28/11/2011 21:34

Or 5) He wonders why you didn't tell him sooner and leaves you because he thinks you have something to hide.

HappyHubbie · 28/11/2011 22:02

If he left because he thought she had something to hide then she's well shot of him - it's not worth being with someone who trusts you that little. But it wouldn't happen, because that's not how men's minds work.

ColonelBrandon · 28/11/2011 22:16

Agree with HappyHubbie's assessment of what will happen - which am guessing OP is well aware of.

However, it would depend on whether a) you get some kind of apology from friend's H (as going on holiday with that hanging over your head would mean you'd always feel uneasy and b) whether it is something you can dismiss and put to the back of your mind.

Original poster

sazzler197 · 29/11/2011 08:07

Hi there, well i told my DH last night, i just could not keep it to myself any longer! it was on my mind all the time and if the shoe was on the other foot i would hope that he would tell me! DH was furious and so shocked at the same time, he said he was going to have ''words'' with him! I have asked him not to as it will ruin the other couples marrige i know it will! We are not sure about the holiday situation, i do beleive that he was just completely drunk and out of control and he would never have done this if sober! Although does the real person come out of someone when in drink???? Really not sure about the holiday! Kind of feel bad dor telling DH but i did not like having this secret on my mind and if it ever did come out in the open i know dh would be upset i did not tell him! x If my hubby has a word with him i know things will not be the same again! x

OP posts:

CuriousCrissyRock4QueenMama · 29/11/2011 08:15

I'd tell dh and try to get out of the holiday. I'd also tackle the prat. And i'd have been going off it when it happened the whole street would've known!

CuriousCrissyRock4QueenMama · 29/11/2011 08:16

Sorry but they drunken excuse is a crock of shit. I've been mortalled and would never approach a friend's OH. Glad you told dh Let your dh do what he feels is right and tbh it may be time to tell your friend?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 29/11/2011 08:17

Your husband having a QUIET word with him may work out fine if he can contain himself enough to do it discretely. May spare your female friend being hurt but at the same time let him know your DH knows and you are both appalled by his behaviour. I think you did the right thing telling him.

Sounds like his inhibitions totally came down and he decided to tell you things he'd usually keep to himself and make a pass at you! I don't think people have complete personality transplants when drunk, but that's only my opinion.

ArtVandelay · 29/11/2011 08:42

Don't feel bad - feel good that you put your relationship first. Being in some sort of secret with this creep would be terrible. He's the one that should feel bad.

youtalkintome · 29/11/2011 09:44

I'd tell my husband not sure about friend, that probably makes me a coward though.

omaoma · 29/11/2011 22:01

would either of you REALLY enjoy the holiday now? could you quietly check the cancellation policy - at least you know where you stand then, should you feel like you need to change plans.

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