"You're no fun anymore" and other comments...

[WhiteLight]

DH is a good man, he's kind, works hard, I'm the envy of my friends. I have however suffered PND, depression and anxiety. I've contemplated terrible things. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next comment about how untidy the house is, the state of the car, etc. He says I can't take a joke and I'm no fun, that I should have a laugh more. I'm no fun because I don't like being tickled etc. We have no social life and not much of a sex life either right now.

I worry about money as I'm a SAHM, but we don't really share or discuss our finances.

This should probably be AIBU, but part of me feels he's right and I should make more of an effort and the other part of me feels like someone has to be the grown up round here. Which is it?

dingdong Is this to do with 'fault'?

I'd consider the OP's problem with her DH more to do with unkindness and lack of awareness (at best) of her DH, and possibly emotional abuse (worse) by her DH.

Surely OP's DH knows she suffers from depression, and anxiety, and what is he doing to support her? He seems to be making a lot of deeply unpleasant comments, and acting in unkind ways which she has said she doesn't like, which can be doing nothing to make her feel any happier. Surely a loving husband would be kinder to his wife?

perso anally

that was a typo

really

We believe you AF!
And for the record, I agree with super and AF too.

OP, you ok ?

Think OP went to bed about 10 but will be back tomorrow.

thanks, super, missed that

Fence sitting is not always a neutral standpoint
So true AF. In an abusive situation it amounts to taking the abuser's side..
Sorry for the hijack

Thanks for all your comments and thoughts. I have ignored, ignored, ignored these feelings for a long time and posting them here has made me feel like it's not all my fault, so thanks.

I used to be quite a high flyer at work, but left when I had my first DC. I now have 2 DCs, 8 and 5.

Re the finances, I've worked sporadically during that time as a freelancer, so I do earn bits and pieces but haven't worked much in the last year.

He pays mortgage, cars etc and his own CCs, but I pay other things from whatever I earn when I work, which is fine when I do work, but leaves me stressed and worried when I don't work. This results in things like the Council Tax and my CC not getting paid, and me being too afraid to tell him.

He gives me money if I ask for it but I don't like to, so I don't unless I have to.

I get anxious when he's due home because his eyes scan the room when he comes in and he'll make a comment like "so, where did you go today?" if the place isn't tidy enough. And it's never tidy enough. I get snappy with the DCs if they're playing when he's due home, or if their rooms are untidy because I know a comment will be made.

I feel that I need to explain to him why the DCs homework isn't done by the time he comes in and I'll make an excuse like 'DS wanted you to do his with him.'

This looks really bad written down.

Yes, love, it looks bad

He doesn't sound very supportive or understanding of you.

If ever my DP makes a comment about the state of the apartment/housework, I always say that the little fairies who fly about doing the housework and running errands all day, while I lie on the sofa, were too busy to get around to it...

"This results in things like the Council Tax and my CC not getting paid, and me being too afraid to tell him."

Why are you afraid? What do you think he will do?

Seriously - get a hold on the finances, lay it out what money needs to go where and cut up your CC. If you are less stressed I bet you'd find everything else a lot easier and feel more in control. It would be much harder for him to take the p*ss and dodge out of being accountable for the council tax (wtf).

House work is a pain when you are a SAHM (I'm one) its there everyday and it can be quite depressing but if you break it down and get a system it is (dare I say it) fairly rewarding. Your DCs and husband can also be delegated certain tasks which gets it away from it all being down to you.

He is being a dick and its not your fault but you should show him you've got some teeth and see how he reacts to that (hopefully positively) before binning the relationship off completely. My DH can get a bit entitled at times and the worst thing I can do is go into my shell. I have to talk back (or yell back) and own things. Also - saying kind things to my DH puts him in the frame of mind to say kind things back. Sort of get the drop on them before they start something about not having any ironed clothes or whatever!

I think its great that you are talking about this though, its really helpful to let off steam - SAHMing can be a bit lonely at times. Its definitely a balance because its only fair that you do a good amount of work in the home but at the same time you are not a servant or less than a person who works outside the home.

Not easy to be 'fun' when you know the housework police is on their way.

You need to get a handle on finance. Doesn't matter who earns it in household, its for family. Do yourself a budget then present it to him. Do not ignore the financial side of marriage, its very very important. If he is then unreasonable about simple everyday expenses, then you have a problem. Take charge of yourself, it will be good for you, raise your self esteem and everyone will know where they stand. Think of it as running a business.

I get anxious when he's due home

Nobody should have to live like this .

If he's good and kind why does he keep "his" money to himself? Why are you frightened of what will happen when he comes home? How is that supportive?
He's not good and kind, he's a mean, selfish abuser.
And it's not your fault.

An example for you. DP and I are very much at the beginning of sharing finances (been together 2 years, living together 18 months joint account 2 months) We both work, him full time, me part time due to a whole load of shit inc MH issues. The first month, all the DD's still went from what was now the joint acc - easier to add him to mine as they were already set up there, I own the flat. That left me with no spending money, couldn't even buy a pint of milk for us unless I asked him So, I made a spreadsheet of all the outgoings and incomings. Very basic. I added up what I spend on electric, gas, council tax, mortgage etc. Then he added up all his outgoings - rent (flat is joint owned with a member of my family) landline phone/broadband, car insurance fuel etc on both vehicles, food. He has some debts he wants to keep separate, so his wages go into his account then - this is the important bit - he transfers what's left to the joint account so we both have access to it

He tried to only transfer some cash to the joint account and asked how much I might need, until I pointed out how "Now now little woman" it felt to me (yes, I used those exact words!) having to ask every time we needed a loaf of bread, or I wanted to go swimming etc. So, we changed the system

If you don't feel like you can have ^ that kind of discussion with your H, then you need to seriously reconsider how kind and good he really is, no matter what outsiders like us or your friends think.

PS Due to my MH issues I tend to cry when having serious discussions. Putting it down on the computer depersonalised it enough for me to cope. You can do this

The tickling thing rings alarm bells for me (I do realise the thread has moved on OP and am glad you are confronting the truth and getting support here).

I posted a few weeks ago because the h of a close friend of mine 'jokes' a lot and does the tickling thing and I wanted people with experience of EA to advise me. It seemed to me that the 'fun and jokes' were intended to irritate/humiliate/goad/drive round the bend really. And to disguise abusive behaviour as obviously just a joke. Many posters who had endured manipulative and controlling relationships thought so too.

Just been doing the housework before posting back.

I've been seeing a counsellor for about 6 months wrt to low self-esteem, but I haven't linked it to DH before now.

When he's playing with the kids he'll get them laughing like mad, then say to them 'don't tickle your mum, she doesn't like laughing.'

Even though I'm a SAHM, I find it really hard to keep on top of the housework, I've done Flylady, Motivated Moms, timers etc but never have the whole place tidy at the same time, and I do think that if he's at work and I'm not that I should be doing it. After all, if I worked FT and he was at home all day I wouldn't expect to come in and start doing housework.

I do find criticism hard to handle and tell him this, but he says 'i'm trying to help you' or 'lighten up it's just a joke, you've no sense of humour.' I feel I can't win.

Don't know why I keep things from him, like not paying the Council Tax. He wouldn't harm me, I just want him to think everything is OK and that I'm in control of things 'at my end'. That makes no sense at all when I read it back. I don't like saying that I can't cope.

Like Art says, I think I need to show some teeth and start answering back, but I feel that I'm going further and further into a shell.

How did I become this person??

purplepidjin I cry too when it comes to difficult conversations. It's a bugger.

You become "this" person when your self esteem has been eroded away

Death by a thousand paper cuts

Putting you down constantly, and especially using the children to do so, is despicable behaviour from someone who is supposed to love and support you

If I were your H, I wouldn't care one jot if the bathroom wasn't cleaned or whatever. I would be offering to help and asking how to make things easier, checking you were ok in yourself, offering to take the kids out so you get a break or picking up the hoover myself

You are going to get poorly if you keep putting this pressure on yourself, that is generated by him initially

YOu sound anxious, and low, if not depressed, and I don't blame you

What does your counsellor say ? Have you told her/him how your husband treats you ?

His first words on coming home fr

Oops... Were "who's upstairs?" er, no-one says me. "why are there lights on then?" says DH, and off he went to put the lights off upstairs.

Arse hole