will we ever have sex again?

[fireflyz]

Feels like an eternity. Baby's a year old and no sex since the (difficult) birth and we didnt have sex much when expecting either so its about 2 years. Feel a bit panicked about it. Worried i don't work properly. Feels like I've shrunk. Can't face smear test either by the way. DH very good about it. We are just so tired or busy with what feels like endless chores or no energy or suddenly realise we haven't had a shower for days. No family nearby, no babysitter. Are we normal? Will this ever end?

Have you tried pleasuring yourself so you feel comfotable in knowing it won't hurt. A sexless marriage does suit some.

Fabby, clearly that isn't what the OP wants.

Take your time over cuddles and kisses and don't rush to have penetrative sex. Do other things until you feel comfortable.

Is this for real? Forget to have a shower, Oh come on !

I'm not surprised you haven't had sex, maybe the smell is putting you both off each other!

I do have to admit it does sound like quite some time. Sometimes I feel like there is so much to do and you can always think of something to do which is more pressing.

I would put the DC(s) to bed, crack open a bottle of wine and have some 'us time' I also echo what Fabby said, definitely don't do it unless you are comfortable.

Firefly, if it's not an issue then why make it an issue? Just relax and see what happens. I have a friend who is absolutely in love with her husband but has not had sex for about 12 years. It seems they just don't need it. If you saw them, they are the most tactile, loving couple around - and lots of our friends would love to emulate them. (I don't think many people know the true physical state of the marriage).

They have one of the happiest marriages I have ever known.

It's certainly not normal to 'forget' to shower! Why not take it in turns to have a nice long relaxing bath one day and a quick shower the next? You need to put aside time for yourselves - otherwise you can't possibly expect to reignite the flame.

Isn't it? I can quite easily go for several days whilst baby minding, doing chores etc without realising I've not showered... I do have extra long ones when I do get round to it to make up for it though

Children forget to shower, adults do not. It's a basic principle of moving from childhood to adulthood that you learn how to take care of yourself. There is no excuse for not bathing/showering.

I sometimes think 'oh I'll have a bath later' and don't get round to it or don't feel like it for a day or two. I don't smell. But that is not the point of the thread. I don't know much about the exact situation as I haven't had my baby yet, but I might suggest the opposite to others and a deep breath and go for it. It might not be as bad as you are imagining!!

Sometimes I don't shower/bath but I do always wash Sometimes there's no sodding hot water bastard solar panels and I had enough cold showers in my teens, thanks!

WTF?? you lot are so neurotic. I can easily go for a week without showering...and its probably the reason i don't look like an old leather handbag at 30 and doesn't affect my sex life at all. we're both skanky fucks.

Obviously, I can't argue with that!

I bath or shower most days and still have peachy skin at 50! Going a week without a shower is just yuk - bet your feet smell even if the rest of you doesn't!

I can't remember how many days since I showered. It's a symptom of my depression. Is it possible you/your partner are suffering with stress/depression?

To bring things back to the actual post the person wants advice on (instead of picking her up on the shower thing!!).....I understand how you are feeling, I too haven't had sex with my husband since our baby was born a year ago...however, we've not had sex or any kind of sexual intimacy since about a month after she was conceived, so that's nearly 2 years!

I too had a very difficult birth and totally understand how you feel scared and nervous about anything going inside you. I was the same. I was very nervous about my smear test and it REALLY hurt, probably because I was tense. I ended up going to see a gynae as I thought there might be something wrong ...but there wasn't (phew).

My health visitor suggested to have a look down there. Did you have an episitomy? Have you had a look at your new bits?!! I haven't yet.

Does your partner want sex? Has he initiated it in any way and you have rebuffed him? Or has it just not come up since the birth of the baby? From my point of view, my husband hasn't come near me in that way and we've not slept in the same bed since 3 weeks after she was born.

OUr relationship has totally collapsed without any intimacy at all.

It is important you talk to your partner about you feel. Even joke and say something like "do you think we'll ever have sex again?""..but in a light hearted way when giving him a hug or something......

Also, I agree with the others on here....find a bit of time to have a go with a vibrator or something just so you know that your body is capable of having an orgasm still.

I used to masturbate a lot before being pregnant and was very comfortable with that. But since having a baby I too have felt scared to touch down there, which is why the vibrator option is better to start with. Then maybe if you find that's ok, then just feel around down there, just to get used to it being touched again.

It's about finding your sexual feelings again first. Then talk to your partner.

Please please communicate though, don't end up like me in an utterly ruined relationship.

Good luck.

birdybirdy the shower thing isn't separate at all - loads of people don't have sex for a while but it's rare to forgo personal cleanliness unless there are underlying issues. The fact that the op and her dh are 'forgetting' to shower means that they aren't setting aside time for even the most basic personal care, let alone the time that they need to focus on each other as a couple.

OP I'm with you, and birdyb is right. I too am so busy and tired don't get to shower everyday, and get to wash my hair far less than i'd like, and haven't had sex for months and also putting off the smear test. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, or there'd be no dc2s. Do have the conversation.

Ew can't believe people go a week without showering!

Also, what does washing have to do with having skin 'like a leather handbag'? .

Am with fortyplus on this one. Having children shouldn't mean you don't even have time to look after yourself in the most basic ways (ie washing), let alone the fact that it also shouldn't (IMO) mean your relationship with your partner has to go down the pan.

You are still a human being in your own right, OP and your needs & happiness is just as important as that of your baby. And more to the point, your baby will benefit from having a happy (and together) mum & dad.

You don't need babysitters, you just need to decide to make the effort, and instead of flumping in front of the tv when you get your DC in bed, do something together (with the tv off) .

Blimey. Days without showering? Ewww.
I have at least two deep Japanese baths a day.
I thought Brits had become more European and were cleaner these days.

Jesus wept, do people really not have time for a shower when looking after a baby???? What on Earth would you do if you had more than one ffs? It is a shit excuse for being bloody filthy. Surely this is bullshit, no time to shower for days when your baby is a year old? Are you fucking kidding. I have four children. two at school and two toddlers and pregnant - God knows what levels of skank I can get away with eh?

Let me give you a clue: drop a couple of 'endless chores' for a wash. Really if being clean is that low down on your priorities then I would seriously suggest you are depressed.

I just had a bath after reading this thread in its totality.
I've lived in Asia since 24 and everybody is so clean here.
I had an Italian boyfriend once. Here in Japan. And he didn't bathe daily, so I wouldn't service him.
I often live on a boat, without a shower, but I make sure that I bathe daily, even if it's just in the cockpit with a bowl of water.
Those of you in this thread with men who don't bathe for days, eww, especially if they aren't circumcised. Very big ewwwwww.
I love my guy. He's so clean. Indeed, I'm that weirdo who cleanses her colonic tract each day, too.;) But we won't go there.

Re: relationships with no sex. I guess they exist but they are not my cup of tea.

A week without showering is ok as long as you birdbath. When we were little we didn't have a shower (and heating water for a bath was too expensive every day).
We had a bath on a Sunday, as every other kid did, but every morning we had to wash ourselves properly at the bathroom sink. (oooo I remember how cold that was in a bathroom without central heating)

Barreal, what is a Japanese bath?

Actually, I didn't read all the posts but just have and blimey, does having a baby really have such a negative effect on 'down there'.
Is having kids really worth it if all this happens?
No time for showering.
Fear of what remains 'down there'.
Having kids sounds horrific, losing who you are, who you were, becoming a walking war zone of trauma and worry.
This is depressing.
I feel like another bath, too.

Massarato

Japanese baths are squat and deep, you sit in them, I guess, and the water comes up to your neck. They're the best. Love 'em.
You also reuse the water, wash outside of the bath, rinse off the soap, then hop in to soak, when over, cover the bath with a cover thing, which helps retain the heat. Modern Japanese baths have gas heaters in them to reheat the water. It is the norm for the husband to have the first bath of the evening, because he has been working all day, but this is changing with the daughters becoming more Princess-like and not wanting to use the bath after Dad.
;)
I love my bath and will miss it when I leave in March.