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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you think this odd or not???

51 replies

DelGirl · 27/11/2011 09:34

seriously can't be bothered to namechange!

Am on POF, yes I know. I had an email from a guy a few days ago, very similar circumstances etc etc. A couple of emails in he said he has called off the search as I have really caught his attention. In his last email, he sent me his proper email address, i.e at hotmail.

I went onto POF just now and he has deleted his profile Shock I think I can remember his address and would like to get in touch but wonder if this is a bit ott on his part? Seriously out of the loop for a long time and have no idea lol. If he is genuine it could be a great friendship if nothing else.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 18:38

?

Heleninahandcart · 27/11/2011 18:41

Who knows? 'tis internet dating. The only advice I would give you is to meet up as soon as possible. This will save you time and emotional energy getting sucked in online where it is easier to create a false sense of intimacy. Do not give out too much personal information, let him tell you about himself first. Good luck OP

Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 18:42

Don't want to get confrontational or owt but you don't actually know much, if anything, about my set up and seem to be making me out as a saddo with no friends thats all but appreciate the time you took to reply anyway.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 18:43

If you mean I sound like your mother, then maybe I am your mother Wink

but I stand by every word. It's serious advice from someone who's been through some stuff...and honestly, it's a mug's game. POF I mean/internet dating/etc etc

Honestly. don't do it. Step away.

I know you won't listen but I can't sleep if I don't at least try.

choux · 27/11/2011 18:43

If he gets in touch ask him a couple of things requiring specific detailed knowledge of the area you both live in eg the restaurants he prefers, or places he visits with his daughter, or the way of life in that country. If he is really in Nigeria it will be much harder (but not impossible) to come up with a solid sounding answer. Good look but be aware and don't send anyone any money!

JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 18:44

Crossed posts. Well that wasn't my intention. I feel hurt that you thought that.
I am sorry if it came across as an attack. It wasn't. Believe it or not I care what happens to you, and I don't know you...but anyway.

All the best

Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 18:46

thats to Jane btw, seriously not investing any emotion in it, truly, no more than mild excitement. Been through far too much crap for that. As I say, not desperate AT ALL, just an interest. I am the wrong side of 45, not the right side of 30!

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 27/11/2011 18:48

JaneBirkin what was that about? The whole point of dating sites IS to meet men in real life.

JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 18:48

'we both live in the same foreign country about 60 miles apart. Same interests etc etc thats why a friendship would be good not least for the dds.'

This made me think you were alone somewhere abroad and didn't know many people yet. Not that you're some saddo without friends.

Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 18:49

ok Mum Wink. No worries!

Have no fear, I will not send any money to anyone, no danger of that all. One of the reasons i'm happy to stay on my 'own' actually for the sake of my dds future.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 18:51

Helen, it was about how dangerous internet dating can be both emotionally and in other ways.

OP already knows it's not great, from the first post:

'Am on POF, yes I know'

I'm telling her her instinct is right and POF is not a good place to meet real people. Face to face and in context is a better option.

It all depends what you want and if you want something serious and invested, then POF won't likely give you that.
If you just want a bit of a laff then it most certainly will.

RARE to meet a potential love interest on a site like that. Very very rare.

gastonscave · 27/11/2011 18:51

Such negatively Jane. I know a few very happily married couples who met Internet dating. They aren't all fruit cakes out there.

Good luck op I hope it all works out well for you

MsCellophane · 27/11/2011 18:52

You say his profile and messages have gone? Sorry to say but I think that means POF deleted him for breaking rules

If a member deletes themselves, then the messages remain but it will say user closed account. Try and username search him. Again, if no trace POF have deleted him. If he has hidden his profile, his messages to you would still be in your inbox.

I think you are dealing with a dodgy one here, I wouldn't bother any further with him

JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 18:53

No of course they're not all nutters. But a lot of them are. You only have to read the relationships section on here to see that.

I just mean be really careful and make sure you know what you're after...be very, very fussy indeed.

Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 18:58

argh, lost my post! Can't remember what I said, oh yeah I know. We live in a small village and have lots of lovely friends but there is little or next to no opportunity to meet single men. We have lived here in this country for just over a year. I am happy with my lot 99% of the time but it would be nice to date now and again and emailing/skyping is quite fun with the guitar guy. We haven't had chance to meet up yet but will soon I think.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 27/11/2011 19:01

I hope it goes alright Smile He sounds nice.

LittleWarmHouse · 27/11/2011 19:05

Jane I have met a real man in real life via a chat on POF. He was worried I might be a nutter but seems to have decided I am safe after eleven weeks of seeing each other.

I don't think you can generalise, there are good and bad people on every dating site. It seems a bit like supermarket shopping, with Finest, Standard and Value ranges and it is all a lucky dip on POF.

OP just keep safe and be sensible and have fun! Whether this man gets back to you or not you are on your guard now.

bubblechristmaspop · 27/11/2011 19:13

I met my husband on match years ago. Never met a scammer, or nutter. As they are easy to spot.

I met lots of nice dishy men.

Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 19:15

Yes, the guitar guy is nice..............

Saying about nutters on POF or any sight. My view is that I think i'm ok so stands to reason that there must be other ok people on there. I email a guy in the uk who I actually met through another site though we never got it together though met a couple of times. We have been in touch for a few years now and on fb and skype. I know 3 people personally who met there dh's on the internet as well. Gawd, p'raps we're all saddo's Grin. thats not a dig Jane, you're ok!

OP posts:
Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 19:19

whats the betting this thread will run and run with tales of our whirlwind romance and shotgun wedding (impossible) and you'll all be queuing up for invites...mark my words

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 27/11/2011 19:35

Grin at LitteWarmHouse value range

izzywhizzysmincepies · 27/11/2011 19:49

In the animal kingdom predators will always select the weakest victim, and predatory humans are no different.

Although you may not think of yourself as a 'pushover', the fact that you're projecting to the extent of seeing his alleged dd as being a friend for yours and endeaouring to see 'signs' about someone you have not met, and whose intentions ccould be far from honourable, suggests that you may be emotionally needy and vulnerable to flattery.

As Jane has said, keep your cards close to your chest. A couple of brief emails which do not divulge your history and a real life day time meeting for coffee in a public place should enable you to sort out the wheat from the chaff.

Instead of wishful or magical thinking about an apparent 'man of your dreams' you've found on the net, take the view that you are merely 'interviewing' a sucession of candiates to see whether they are suitable to play any part in your life, and that you need to see a large selection before making your choice - or re-advertising if none come up to scractch.

Don't fall into the trap of seeing a meeting with a stranger from the net as being the equivalent of a 'hot date' as the chances are it'll be lukewarm at best and, if he is Mr Truly What He Claims To Be and if he is interested in you, there'll be plenty of occasions for you to get to know him thoroughly over a period of time before you give any thought to introducing Mr Wonderful to your dc.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 27/11/2011 19:53

Put it this way, DelGirl, I'm not rushing off to buy a hat and, depending on what you report back, I may be prepared to eat it if you embark on a 'shotgun wedding' that lasts longer than a year before either yours or his rosy specs drop off.

No matter how firmly you think your tongue is in your cheek, I'm a tad concerned that you've even thought about this unlikely scenario.

Original poster
DelGirl · 27/11/2011 20:03

sorry but lol, seriously I have too much to lose by getting too close you just have to trust me on that score.....I like to think I have a good imagination which gets carried so far before sanity takes over. I do appreciate the well meant advice and take it on board. I have given up on the architect, will not give it another thought. I do think that I have intuition hence posting my thoughts on it here, I was Hmm from the start was I not? Obviously I don't put that across.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 07:38

I think MrsCellophane has it right.

Try the geetar man. At least you know he hasn't been reported by some other unlucky person for abusing the service.