Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Female moral guidance sought (I'm a bloke)

41 replies

EdgarDavid · 27/11/2011 00:29

Firstly please do not shell me with abuse as I am writing here genuinely as a decent person who cares about people. I have a strong mother who I am close to. I am wary that my question might seem ridiculous/offensive, and apologies in advance if you think I am hearltess or horrible for even asking.

I promise this is an honest question.

Ok -

I'm 28 and in the course of my work I look after a lot of female university students aged 20 - 24. I do this all day long, everyday. I know a lot of them well and we get on great, always laughing and joking.... We are good friends.

So, sometimes there is sexual tension at work... There are two students in some students are flirty and others are subtly suggestive. I can be a bit flirty too.

I have never acted on anything because I have always felt that I owe them some kind of duty to be proper and act with respect. Because i'm olde i feel like i can usually control situations with them and always act professionally - i would never let anything happen.

But the thing is, i do actually fancy them....! I recently came out of a short relationship (during which obviously I didn't envisage doing anything like this)... and would like to see people - Am I allowed to go out with them for a drink? If that turns into sex, and i dont want a relationship, am i going to hurt people?

What if the girl is like 22 and i'm 28? It sounds truly awful - wanting to have just 'flings'. Can 22 year old girls and 28 year old guys have fun flings where everyone is fine?

I would like to have fun but not hurt people. I am thinking about asking someone out for a drink - i know we we would have super fun - it would be great, but i do not want to get into a relationship.

i like the person and don't want to hurt her down the road.

Please dont have a go at me I would just like some honest advice.

How do women think about these things? Do women want to have just 'flings'?

thanks

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 00:35

"look after" implies a moral responsibility, therefore it would be inappropriate for you to have a relationship with any of these women. They are vulnerable in some way if you are "in charge" of them, so there is a power imbalance straight away.

You are very clear what you want for a relationship and these women (or the woman you are thining of) may have a different idea.

This is a work situation where you are in a position of responsibility so keep it professional.

In short, dont go there!

squeakytoy · 27/11/2011 00:36

Of course women just have flings.. and a 28yo man with a 22yo woman is no age difference...

BUT and it is a big but.. if your job means you are in a position of responsibility towards these women, then it sounds like it would be improper to be having a relationship with them.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/11/2011 00:38

What Bogeyface said.

Nothing to stop you having a casual relationship with a woman that you meet outside of work, provided you are honest and say that is what you want.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 00:43

There's nothing wrong with a fling, as long as you are honest that's what it is and don't come out with a load of crap

28 & 22 is fine. It's not like they're 16!

If you are in a position of trust / authority - stay away from these particular girls. It would be unprofessional to come on to young women that you work with.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 00:44

Oh, but one thing - starting your post with "Firstly please do not shell me with abuse"

you've been reading mumsnet a bit, haven't you?

Helltotheno · 27/11/2011 00:47

I don't think work relationships/flings are a good idea. It's just a potential world of grief really. It's not that there's anything wrong with flings, just that in a work scenario, it could all go badly tits up and wreck things for you and/or them.

Have you a social life outside work? I'd work on that instead tbh.

ImperialBlether · 27/11/2011 00:48

Hope you're not a university lecturer, OP, because if you are, you should know that relationships with students is forbidden.

I think there's a hell of a difference between a student of 21/22 and someone who's 28. They've had six more years of being an adult and that makes a huge difference.

Why don't you go and pick on someone your own age? Plenty of nice girls in their late twenties are looking for men.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 00:52

I wouldn't agree with that, IB, it's only 6 years or so. My husband's 10 years older than me, and we met when I was 24.

I mean, the whole asking out people you are "looking after" is wrong and could be considered a breech of trust, but on the age thing alone, I don't think a few years is a problem.

In fact, at the risk of getting beaten to death for being sexist, I think you need a bloke to be a few years older than you, cos normally that's the only way they'll be mentally or emotionally the same age

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 00:52

breech? breach?

LeBOF · 27/11/2011 00:58

I think it's unethical if you are in a position of 'care', like a counsellor and client, but if it's not that sort of role and not covered by work guidelines, then you are free adults.

What is the nature of your contact?

Helltotheno · 27/11/2011 00:59

It's not about the age though, it's about the position of responsibility. Why bother muddying the waters? If early 20s girls is what you're after, no prob, there are plenty of them out there.... outside work!

Original poster

EdgarDavid · 27/11/2011 00:59

Thanks for your responses. I'm not going to ask the person out for a drink now cos its not the right thing to do. i do have a measure of control, but nothing major - they are my clients and control me- i run a centre where they are taught.. i work for them / they pay me.. rather than me being a lecturer telling them what to do......

its fine, u guys are right, i kind of knew it before...but we have so much fun..!

OP posts:

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 27/11/2011 00:59

breach I think Hec.

I'm not sure if it would be a great idea tbh. If you've been working with them/looking after them for a while and they've been flirty the chances are they would be up for more than just a fling.

The trouble is you could be honest and say that you aren't after anything more serious and they might even agree whilst thinking 'wait until he's been out with me for a while, I'll change his mind'.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 27/11/2011 01:01

sorry, x posts.

Original poster

EdgarDavid · 27/11/2011 01:01

i dont teach them btw - i look after the people that teach them..it's kind of an odd nexus between everybody where i work.

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 01:05

There are a lot of other women in the world. It's not a good idea to go after young women that you have a professional responsibility for/duty to.

Get yourself off out and meet some women!

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 01:07

Why don't you go and pick on someone your own age?

Sorry Imperial but that made me larf!

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 01:08

Even if you dont have a direct responsibility for them, it could be miscontrued, so best idea is to stay away and work on your social life away from work.

Original poster

EdgarDavid · 27/11/2011 01:10

'pick' is not fair. haha.

i would love to go out with someone my own age.

OP posts:

LeBOF · 27/11/2011 01:18

Ok, reading your OP again- I would say that it would be wrong to pursue a one night stand with with somebody that might feel embarrassed or compromised in a way that undermines their capacity to make use of a service they can't find anywhere else.

Sorry if I've cross-posted with people since my last one, but vie been debating it with DP

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 01:22

What you need is to get out there and socialise. You don't need to be one of those sad bastards hanging around the pubs coming on to everyone with breasts just go out, have some fun. There are loads of opportunities to meet people who, like you, are not looking for anything serious.

You could be in a club right now instead of fretting on a parenting website on a saturday night.

sunday morning. God I hate my husband (not really). He made me go for a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep.

Yes. You are conversing on a saturday night, with aged parents who take afternoon naps.

yay.

party on.

Original poster

EdgarDavid · 27/11/2011 01:34

cant do one night stands with people i dont know. tried it once - couldn't get an erection i was so nervous! hahaha never told anyone that.

OP posts:

LeBOF · 27/11/2011 01:39

Would you really just want a shag and nothing more? If you were interested in dating the person, my view would be different.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 01:41

tmi dear, tmi! That was not information I needed.

You say you don't want a relationship, but you also don't want a one night stand - your options are somewhat limited in that case, you know! It sounds what you are looking for is a casual relationship or two, rather than brief encounters of the naughty kind.

Socialising is still the way to go. get to know women, build up friendships, go for the fwb type of thing - but always make sure you are clear with people.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 27/11/2011 01:43

Agree Bof - it's the lack of strings that would worry me about this. If you were looking for a relationship with this girl it might be different.

Honestly you just need to go out! Then again perhaps you think you ought to want to have one night stands (which can be very nice if memory serves) when really what you want is something more (in which case you'd be trying to scratch an itch that doesn't really exist).

Flip

1 2