Female moral guidance sought (I'm a bloke)

[EdgarDavid]

Firstly please do not shell me with abuse as I am writing here genuinely as a decent person who cares about people. I have a strong mother who I am close to. I am wary that my question might seem ridiculous/offensive, and apologies in advance if you think I am hearltess or horrible for even asking.

I promise this is an honest question.

Ok -

I'm 28 and in the course of my work I look after a lot of female university students aged 20 - 24. I do this all day long, everyday. I know a lot of them well and we get on great, always laughing and joking.... We are good friends.

So, sometimes there is sexual tension at work... There are two students in some students are flirty and others are subtly suggestive. I can be a bit flirty too.

I have never acted on anything because I have always felt that I owe them some kind of duty to be proper and act with respect. Because i'm olde i feel like i can usually control situations with them and always act professionally - i would never let anything happen.

But the thing is, i do actually fancy them....! I recently came out of a short relationship (during which obviously I didn't envisage doing anything like this)... and would like to see people - Am I allowed to go out with them for a drink? If that turns into sex, and i dont want a relationship, am i going to hurt people?

What if the girl is like 22 and i'm 28? It sounds truly awful - wanting to have just 'flings'. Can 22 year old girls and 28 year old guys have fun flings where everyone is fine?

I would like to have fun but not hurt people. I am thinking about asking someone out for a drink - i know we we would have super fun - it would be great, but i do not want to get into a relationship.

i like the person and don't want to hurt her down the road.

Please dont have a go at me I would just like some honest advice.

How do women think about these things? Do women want to have just 'flings'?

thanks

f

i'm too emotional to do one night stands, but i just want sex. i see my conundrum clearer now.. women are way better at this stuff than men -thats why i came here!

my male mates all basically said it's fine and that i should just go for it.

Incredible isn't it - difference in attitudes.

thanks for ur comments. i'm going to bed now and i suggest you do too.

i'm just screwd its fine

Come back sober and refreshed tomorrow, and we'll chew the fat and sort you out

It's lunchtime here in Aus, so no bed for me just yet!

Honestly, you'll probably find that most women of your age really like and want sex too (and as my dh would complain I like it more than him).

We do tend to like it wrapped up in affection though - even if it's only for one night.

If you genuinely want a sex only, regular arrangement with a woman, then a dating site for people who also want that would be a good start.
Regular no strings sex is quite a difficult dynamic to maintain and someone so much younger than you would not be a great Idea.
Can I ask why you are so sure you want sex without a relationship? That's a bit of a limiting point of view.

As someone who had a relationship with a uni lecturer I should also advise you that there's the added issue of 'favours', i.e. you're in a position to give them additional help that other students won't receive, which isn't fair. My lecturer never outright bumped up my grades, but he gave me a lot of one-to-one tuition that helped my final grade enormously. (That's not why I was with him, but it was a natural result of us spending so much time together.) Be wary of girls who might expect such special treatment.

I'd say steer well clear.

EdgarDavid you need to go internet dating - get to know someone by exchanging emails and phone calls then meet up. Just as long as you're honest about not wanting a proper relationship.

I think you should ask your "strong" mummy

sorted

Go careful, here, if you start sleeping around with people you see every day, be mindful that girls who have friends with benefit flings don't keep the details secret, you should hear some of the tales we tell each other. If the student has no emotional attachment, and not promise is broken, don't think for one minute that every bit of what went on might well be giggled over before the first lecture. Spare your blushes, maybe??

I ran off with my 29 year old dissertation supervisor when I was 21. We were together 2 years, lived together a year and it all ended in tears because hes a selfish twat .

The university investigated us and didn't care. He was actually promoted around the same time.

Unfortunately the man totally broke my heart and I am now rather biased against the whole idea. 21 is pretty impressionable - I believed it was forever, he left the second it was difficult leaving me in a complete and utter state that I'm only now starting to recover from.

I would not do it

Firstly they could use this to blackmail you with if things turned nasty

And even if you laid your cards on the table sadly women think I just want a fling means if I sleep with him long enough I might be his gf

The Internet is a fab thing if you just want a hook up with a cheeky young thing

Majority of work sex unless serious has the potential to go very wrong

And these days all it would take was one dodgy picture with a student to go up on face book and thats your whole career working with any type of student

Don't do it fuck on line if you must

Firstly, in the UK it is neither illegal nor "forbidden" for lecturers to have sex with students, as long as they are of age. It is, however, generally considered unethical and fraught with possibilities for things to go horribly wrong. At the very least it has to be declared so any potential conflicts of interest can be dealt with.

Secondly, you're not a lecturer. Unless you're a student counsellor, or possibly admin staff with control of student records, you are not in a position of responsibility over any of those women, nor do you actually work with them.

Thirdly, you are only 4-6 years older than them, which is a perfectly reasonable age gap.

As long as all the above is true I'd say there are no barriers AT ALL to you dating some of these women.

Okay an eminent poet didn't get the Professor of Poetry Chair at Oxford, because in his past (when these things were less frowned upon) he had allegedly had relationships with students. So having any kind of relationship with a student, whilst not illegal, is dangerous to you and your career.
Things have been looser in the past, but I would suggest this should be a total no-no. A friend of mine who taught English to foreign students, some of them quite mature, used to look on them as "the enemy", which helped him.

OP, this is a MASSIVE no-no. No, you don't have relationships with the students: period. What on earth did they teach you in the training? I guess they can't say it straight but no, no and no again. It is an abuse of power and is most often extremely damaging (usually for the student).

21/22 may seem old enough, particularly to your 28. Probably fine in the normal run of things but not with students . I know they're not technically your students but no, you don't have relationships with the students (said that already). Particularly as what you want is a shag. Sheesh, DOUBLY NO. A lot of students have a crush on somebody or other in a position of authority, you're not supposed to act on it!

Of course, some people do it and somehow squeeze through (my colleague started a relationship with her teacher when she was in the 6th form - she 18, he 24 - and they've been married for a hundred years, practically); but 1. all you want is a shag, you don't want to get married, and 2. for every one that sort-of goes 'right', there are hundreds and hundreds that don't: the vast majority. It also wouldn't do you any favours professionally, either - everybody would know about it, don't think they wouldn't. Contract renewal? Think on.

and STOP FLIRTING grrr

He's not a teacher. It's probably not forbidden, professionally. But as I said earlier, it's a bit shitty of him to shag them and then leave them too embarrassed to use the library or rent office or whatever, in case he's on duty, because he isn't interested in a relationship.

I have never acted on anything because I have always felt that I owe them some kind of duty to be proper and act with respect

There you go, you said it and that's what you should do.