DP very jealous, how can I help him?

[loserface]

Background: we got together under terrible circumstances. I was 18 and discovering how my womanly ways could be used, he was 26 and had split from his last girlfriend as she had cheated on him. I already had a boyfriend of 3 years but we were going through a very rocky patch, neither of us really loved each other anymore and were together more out of habit than anything, I know for a fact he was cheating on me with a few other girls. Anyway, I turned into a bit of a tart, flirting with anything with a pulse and basically become a full blown cock tease. DP saw past this side of me and kept on pursuing me until I gave in and started seeing him behind my boyfriends back. This went on for a year. DP never saw anyone else while he was dating me but I continued to give everyone else the come on and telling lies to everyone.
In the end I decided I needed a fresh start and moved to a new city to be with my boyfriend who had also moved. The relationship lasted 2 months after that and we split, I went running to DP to cry on his shoulder and got bless him, he let me. Even after all the shit I'd already put him through.

DP and I decided he should move in with me, he left all his friends and family to come and live with me. Even then though I still kept on flirting madly with everyone and going on secret nights out with boys who I knew just wanted to get in to my knickers. DP finally had enough at that point and threatened to leave unless i perked my ideas up.
Ever since that night I vowed to change my ways and not treat him like shit anymore, give him a bit of respect.

3 years on and we have DS (17months) and are engaged. I'm a totally different person to who I was back then. I would never do anything to hurt him and have proved time and time again that I wont go behind his back or lie anymore. Everyone who knows us says they can tell how committed and devoted to him I am.
The problem is DP still isn't over the jealousy thing, he still thinks I'm about to run off with someone else or have "back up boyfriends". He recently got upset because we bumped into a dad who goes to one of the playgroups I go to. He gets upset when I say I think another man is attractive even though he has said plenty of times but other women on the telly who he thinks are nice. He doesn't like it when I have to ring a call centre and a man answers and we have a bit of harmless sales person flirting. I don't know what else I can do though, I've changed so much but it's still not enough. I refuse to stop talking to men, I shouldn't have to. Surely it's ok to occasionly think another man is attractive as long as you dont make a big deal of it? I'm scared of talking to men at playgroups in case it gets back to DP somehow and he thinks I've been up to something.

I want to help him get past this once and for all, how can I do this? I can't prove anymore that I'm not going to back to what I was like.
I can't change the past but I've gone out my way to change the future but I dont feel like he is making it very easy and I cant imagine married life like this. Please help.

Sorry its so long by the way, felt good getting it out!

I think you do have to go over old ground - that's the way issues get resolved. Yes therapy/ talking/ really looking at the past is painful - but just because it's in the past it doesn't mean it isn't affecting the present. The fact is, it's having a clear and obvious impact on your relationship - so it's not in the past is it?

you say you want to move on, but day to day it's impacting you and him - I promise, going over old ground can mean the real final end of it. But I think you need professional help to do that - if he won't try couples counselling, then you should make that journey alone.

I actually agree with realhousewife about the dynamics in relationships - not making a diagnosis over the internet but if you have issues - and if he has issues then the two of you probably found each other because your issues 'click' . ie. he has chosen you because it's in his character to judge/ control - so you confirm to him what he believes about women. On a subconscious level he wants/needs to nag/ watch/ control you so he has no interest in you proving you have changed - he isn't able to see that because it's not part of his world view.

You have a subconscious need to be judged, and partly believe that you should be because of your own guilt - so while you claim that you want to move forwards, part of you is actually choosing the current dynamic because it's what makes you feel secure.

If you want to change the dynamic you have to make it clear that under no circumstances will you allow the dynamic to remain the same. If he is ready to change and can make that mental journey - then hte two of you can move forward together....if he isn't ready - then you have other choices to make.

Ok, this one's a bit leftfield, but the OP's partner behaviour seems pretty odd, so here goes.

Is there any chance your DP gets some sort of a kick out of all these accusations of infidelity? He chased you whilst you were in a r/ship, he put up with you seeing other people, and now he won't let the idea that you are cheating on him drop.

Some people are turned on by the thought of their partners with someone else. The intensity of the experience can make their own desire even more acute, and knowing that other people want their partner can make them seem even more desirable.

I imagine he is getting quite a lot out of all this, - he gets to feel righteous by accusing you, he gets the thrill of imaging all the sexy things you are getting up to, the masochistic charge of being cheated on and the determination to 're-conquer' you, and he gets the constant reassurance of your love as you attempt to convince him you haven't cheated. I'm not sure he would want it to stop?

Oooh interesting theory tigermoll. This is a stage further than I got to, you might well have something here. This is why it's important to really look at your relationship in perspective OP, there could be all sorts going on.

I really don't think he is getting any sort of kick out of it, he seems genuinely hurt/upset when he gets something in his head. I know he has this side to him that is a problem but apart from this he is honestly an exetremely wonderful person.

We've spoken about it tonight, he saw my OP on here (not snooping, I didnt close it properly) but it's not caused an argument or anything, it made us talk about things properly. It's obviously not resolved just like that but I think we can work on it. I know a few of you have said it's his problem to sort out but I feel as if I need to support him while he works it out cos it really is part my fault. I'm 100% certain he was faithful to me since the day we met and I really did fuck him around a lot.

Loserface - He choose you KNOWING all your history. He needs to get over it.
Otherwise - it's a handy stick (metaphorical) to beat you with isn't it? Especially so as you seem to be very sensitive to this issue. Win win for him methinks.

Having contributed to your other thread OP, where you detailed your partner's excessive porn use and his disclosure that he regarded you as a 'piece of meat', I'm baffled by this one. A few short weeks ago, you certainly weren't describing it as a 'great relationship' - you were saying that you couldn't leave him because you had no means of supporting yourself.

Sounds to me that neither of you should be in a relationship with anyone, for a long time.

Oh dear another angle. Is what windsor says true, OP?

Well spotted windsorTides. Here's the post in question: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1317836-Am-I-in-the-wrong

I'd entirely forgotten that I contrbuted to the OP's earlier thread too and I'm relieved to see that my twat radar doesn't need adjusting in that I can still recognise a knob when I virtually see one.

However, it appears that in some respects I must sit corrected as it seems that you do have a problem that may require more than a few counselling sessions to sort out, loserface, namely, that your own twat radar is seriously defective.

You've lurched from one abusive relationship into another and it's now time to get yourself off your current dp's butcher's hook and show him that you're considerably more than a 'piece of meat' that he's able to roll, tie, and stuff whenever it suits him.

Once you can see clearly what you've allowed him to do to you, you'll have no problem seeing the door through which either you or he must leave asap if your ds is not to be adversely affected by his parents' unequal relationship.

It ccould be that you've picked up on something that may be caused or explained by the knob's excessive use of porn tigermoll. At 30yrs+ I suspect it's become something of an ingrained habit for him, if not an addiction as windsorTides has already suggested.

OP you've got yourself a man with a high sex drive (not rare) and you are on ADs and don't want any. This is the result - a man that wanks. Again, this is pretty normal, but not if he is forcing you to get involved. In the other thread you never said that he's forcing you - you said you refuse and he goes off. But IS he forcing you? Is he waking you up to get his way (or at least try)? If he is, he is depriving you of sleep which isn't going to do you any good.

Also, what triggered you to go on ADs?

Oh my god, yes! The one who gets all sulky if he doesn't get his morning hand-job. Oh OP (can't bear to use your nickname), as others have said, you deserve so much better than this

What is your agenda unrealhousewife?

Why are you determined to find excuses for this knob the OP's current partner?

Why are you making it out to seem as if the OP is at fault when it is patently obvious that she was in an abusive relationship with her ex and went straight into another abusive relationship with her current partner?

Lots of things triggered me to go on ADs, i was on them before i met dp. he doesnt force me to wank him on a morning but he does still keep trying to make me want to. i hate mornings, takes me ages to come round and the last thing on my mind is getting him off. he's stopped bugging me quite as much cos i told him it was becoming a chore to do. i just dont think he see's it as a bad thing. because he has such a high sex drive he struggles to understand that i dont, think he sees it as a bit of an insult.

It might just be cos im young and naieve (sp?) but he is a genuinely nice person underneath all this, he doesnt seem to be doing any of it on purpose.

I dont know...why does life have to be so confusing sometimes?

Your radar and what you consider acceptable in a partner got seriously skewed along the way. The benefit of you being on a forum like this is that you get to see lots of women just like you telling you that this isn't acceptable behaviour in a relationship - and that the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

It's obvious that you are constantly deluding yourself, because when you started this thread, you appeared to have forgotten what you posted yourself 6 weeks ago. Everyone on that thread was unanimous about condemning your partner's behaviour and you seemed to have an 'awakening' but then here you are, a few weeks later saying that apart from his jealousy, your relationship is 'great'.

It isn't.

I'm not saying that it's all your partner's fault either. You seem to have your own issues that need resolving and you would be best served by working these out with a counsellor on your own, but not for the benefit of this relationship, but any you enter into in the future.

I think you'd really benefit from being on your own and not in a relationship at all. Somewhere along the line you became convinced that any relationship was better than being single and now you've mentioned your age when you met the last two abusers, it's obvious you've never been single as an adult.

You don't just have a responsibility to yourself, but the role model you offer to your children.

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for them.

OP, it doesn't matter if someone is doing hurtful things 'on purpose'. The issue is whether they do them and how it makes you feel. I seriously think you should have some therapy - you are riddled with guilt and have behaved in a way in the past that is damaging - I don't mean that judgementally, I just mean it's actually damaged you because you are tying yourself up in knots about it. You need to clear out the cupboard - emotionally.

And by the way, I can't stress enough - it's completely irrelevant that your husband is 'genuinely hurt' by your imagined flirting - most abusers/ jealous types (yet again, I know because I was one..) are 'genuinely' hurt - why does that matter? They are imagining things and trying to control their partner, it doesn't matter where it comes from.

The only way to help him is to tell him it's time to sort it all out, joint counselling, but some for yourself too if you can.

OP, don't forget that when he asked/told you to step up to the mark, you did. Why do you have to make excuses for him not doing so? Please think about it.

"he keeps trying to make me want to"

If you don't want to, you DON'T WANT TO. End of. Anything further is harrassment. He shouldn't be pushing you, he should know that and he shouldn't be waking you up.

I'm with squeakytoy, in as much as you need to build the trust and break the habits that defined the 'old you' - and I'm talking as a (takesonetoknowone). Before meeting my DH I really hadn't ever been faithful. And it was only when I met someone who I truly respected that I don't think about other men, I don't really register that they're good looking. Sounds corny, but only have eyes for him. And not to be all preachy or anything as it would annoy the hell out of me if someone else started getting condescending with me bui with someone you really love adn trust and get on with, it shouldn't be this difficult. Sometimes there's too much water under the bridge... I know it sounds drastic but you both need to move on from the past. I hate that book "The Rules" but one thing it says in there is that it's never too late to modify behaviour slightly to get what you want from men (sounds awful I know), but I take that to mean, that just because you get stuck in a rut, doesn't mean you have to stay there... shake things up a bit. In a good, positive way. Good luck with everything xxxx