What do you do with a critical husband?

[arabella2]

I've posted about this before but what the hell, here we go again.
Dh and I are going through a rough patch again... I withdraw from him because he is SOOOO critical. Always ready to find fault. I AM messy, but if it wasn't that it would be something else. Even when I make an effort he does not recognise it. Nor does he recognise the fact that I am almost 20 weeks pregnant, looking after our 2 year old, still waking up at night blah blah and so have limited energy.
Example of totally irrational criticism: I popped to the shop yesterday to buy milk and when I came back he asked me why I hadn't bought white bread (which I don't really want in the house because of ds) and potatoes????? What are you supposed to say to that? Basically the house was kind of empty of food and I was going to do a shop later blah blah...
He never has anything nice to say about the nice things I do with ds (taking him to see his friends or to playgroups or whatever) and instead focuses on how I sometimes drag him along to things which he doesn't really like (eg. shops)...
Anyway, anyone else have dh's who when they are in a mood find fault with everything even though they themselves are far from perfect? The other day he put our electric kettle on the gas and destroyed it. If that had been me he would have had soooo much to say about it. Or another example, he is always going on at me about leaving lights on. Yesterday I came back home to find he had left about 4 lights on before leaving the house...
All this just really gets on my nerves and for this and other reasons I wish I sometimes wish I lived by myself.
Why the hell did I get together with someone who does NOTHING about birthdays??????

My dh always taked the mick when I moan about trivia - and I must say it does defuse the atmosphere..

theres nothing to be gained from I did this /you did that ,IMO though it is hard not to lapse into that

cant you just walk away when he starts?

My dh tries with presents but has no idea - I have learned to recognise this and so emsil him a specific list - or buy it myself. he cant do it all and theres lots that he does do well.

It's difficult to walk away because I get all riled up... I will try it though. It just means that we are not very close because I spend so much of my time being annoyed about the last thing he has just said.
Re. the birthdays, it's not that dh gets the wrong thing, it's that he does NOTHING. It's not even a gift that I want just a thought, like a meal or something. The result is that we always fight on my birthday, this has all become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This year (January) I am going to arrange a meal with two friends and not mention my birthday to him at all (he wouldn't remember the date if I didn't tell him anyway).

I can sympathise !
Why don't you give him some of his own medicine - I appreciate this may not be seen as the best idea.... but if you forgot/ did nothing for his birthday? every time he does something wrong why don't you go on and on about it.

DH recently really annoyed me because he kept making implicit comments about my lack of involvement with the kids.... well I kept a secret diary for 3 weeks (which he got very upset about at first but it did make a difference) and listed ALL my household chores and his - I wrote every night an inventory of who had done what - also with who had looked after the kids and who had cooked.... well no price for guessing who did 3 times more housework and as much cooking and twice more activities with kids (he did have lots of work during that period so that was OK).... but he has (without admitting it!) realised why I was utterly fed up!

Good luck !

So arabella, do you have a "realtionship" as such? are you friends?

My far from perfect partner - although lovely bloke a lot of the time - can't half pick holes.

I have to say that birthdays, weirdly, just don't seem to matter to him. His, or mine, or anyone's. Have given up feeling offended as it just seems a missing thing for him.

I'm with Pupuce - try lecturing and hectoring him over every little thing, and when he complains just point out that you are merely doing to him what he does to you.

Don't know who you put up with it. You must be a Saint

Pupuce, that secret diary is something I always plan to do but never get round to it or I calm down and forget I was pissed off!

Secret diary did get me into a massive row.... which I refused to get mad about so I stayed calm but DH (who is very cool generally) was fuming!
However we have now divided the chores and HE sticks to his side of the deal.

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Arabella2 - my dh is exactly the same and it really gets me down sometimes. Last week, for example, I lost 3 lbs in one week. He said well done, but then a bit later on he said, 'But do you think that you LOOK like you've lost a stone?' I said yes, and asked if he didn't. He said something about knowing I had lost weight, but that a stone is a lot of weight. (Um yes, I know, and I'm proud of myself, even if you aren't).

I tried keeping a diary of things he said once, but we hit a better patch, so I stopped it. I might start again. My dh always has to add a negative to any positive he gives, which is rare anyway. I know that I am cr*p at housework, but I do still do a lot of work around the house.

On Monday, we lost ds' favourite soft toy in town (heartbreaking), and all he could say was, 'Well done, you lost his toy, and didn't even manage to remember to look for the long-life batteries'. Like it was all my fault!

Anyway, no advice but I know how annoying it is. Hugs.

I am not sure the best approach is to be hypercritical back, as this can only exacerbate things. I would just concentrate on changing the things you can change and as best as you can, ignoring his comments, eg going out on your birthday and having a good time! That is, concentrating on things you can influence. You can't change his behaviour - only he can do that. You shouldn't go out of your way to appease him, but you should concentrate on what makes you happy - if your child is almost 2, and still not sleeping through, sounds like you need some time off! Can you go out for the day, leave him with DD? If he's critical, answer any real question but don't try to justify your behaviour, you don't need to! I know this sounds hard, and I don't always do it, but I am happier when I manage to.

This may sound obvious, but have you talked to him about it?

If you still have a relationship (and you didn't answer Coddy when she asked), then presumably there are times when you sit down and talk. Perhaps then you can ask him why he is sooooo critical of you. He may not even realise it, perhaps it's just a habit he's got into.

Or maybe it is a reaction to something that's happening at work. If my dh is under stress, I know he tends to take it out on me, being non-communicative, miserable and withdrawn.

Oh, and you said he put your electric kettle on the gas a while ago. Thats just the sort of distracted behaviour you get from people under stress. Perhaps dadslib is right, he needs to visit the doctor (unless of course it's just that he only makes coffee once in 25 years .).

I have doen the secret diary thing before but it's neevr worked for me!

I have tried it several times but always ed up telling DP when we make up rather than keeping it going and showing what an arse he can be sometimes! No Will Power

My DP specifically says horrible things to me sometimes when i've had a drink as if to pick a fight - I will have only have had 1 or 2 glasses of wine and he'll start making out as if i'm drunk (Which really winds me up) - I'm no alchohlic but i drink several glasses of wine each Friday and Saturday night - 2 glasses are not going to make me drunk - but that fact that i have had 2 glasses makes me want to argue back and prove that i am not!
Anyway, digressing - My point is, the sevret diary is a good idea but make sure u don't give up on it when things look like they are goig OK.

Jem x

Hi
Yes there is still a relationship there kind of, but not every day!
My dh does get down and stressed and he is definitely more critical when he is feeling like this. He is also the blaming type however which is sometimes hard to deal with.
I don't think the counter-accusations would work with him as that just makes an argument escalate in our case.
Trying to change what I can change and walking away from the rest is probably the best course of action.
I just get down sometimes when he hasn't shown any affection to me for ages and think there is nothing left worth caring about. Then last night he went out for a meal with his friend and gave me a big hug when he came home so I guess we are kind of stressed out and tired all the time.
Re. the birthdays, my dh sounds like your dp motherinferior - he just doesn't "get" birthdays so in a way there is no point in getting offended.
Chinchilla, do you still feel like you love your dh when he is being negative and blaming?
(oh and dadslib, sometimes I am a messy hopeless cow , I too get depressed and bogged down in the mundanity of our lives).

arabella,

My dad is super critical - and my mum thinks it because his own mother constantly denigrated him as a child which left its mark on his personality. Unfortunately I've acquired some of my dad's traits and have to constantly check myself and stop myself from getting on my dh's back. But self-awareness helps me do this.

Has your husband 'learnt' his behaviour from his childhood. If so would he consider counselling ?(or would he go ballastic at the suggestion!!)

Out of interest, do you ever praise him for doing something well or give him a compliment? I only ask becase my DH is the same - he only ever seems to be criticising me and he clearly doesn't understand what looking after 2 children is like. However, when I thought about it recently I realised that, whilst I don't criticise him (in fact I deliberaltely avoid doing this to avoid being accused of nagging), I don't give him credit for the things he does do.

I think i might do a secret diary even if i never show it just so i know and maybe appreciate that he does MORE than i think or i do LESS than i think!

I doubt it though!! haha

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Well, he does go out to work every day. Sometimes he even manages to get home for DSs bedtime. And... er... oh there must be something else... nope. Can't think of anything.

arebella be critical back
dont be a doormat

I'm not calling my dh but when he gets in his "victor meldrew" moods I just answer him back 100 times worse, he ends up the sorry one as I tell him to do it himself if he is not happy

DH and I are the other way around... I'm the one who's really critical. And I do try not to be but it just comes out Looking at our parents, his are really positive about everything and mine ignore the good stuff and zero in on the negatives. I do think it is behaviour that you learn from your parents. So I am trying very hard not to teach it to dd!

But, I have to say that if dh is critical of me it doesn't help, it just makes me angry / upset - makes me feel like I'm back with my parents, in fact. What does help is being around people who are positive. DH and some of my close friends are good at constantly pointing out the good things I do and this does rub off. If being negatively critical is something you learn from others, being positive is also something you learn. Like I say "you left the back door unlocked again!" and he says "I'm so glad I've got you, you're so good at noticing that" or I say "can't you ever get it right" and he ignores it and says "I really like that jumper you're wearing".

Very hard to do but if you are committed to the relationship, it does work... (of course, so might bursting into tears )

My DH has gone all hyper-critical lately & I'm sure it's to do with what is going on at work. I never take it lying down (red rag & all that) & we end up sniping at each other. It's a horrible atmosphere for the children but we can't seem to stop...

Worse scenario is driving! If he drives he expects me to navigate, but he knows I can't read maps in the car or I'm sick! If I drive, I ask him "which way?" & get this sort of blank "dunno", usually when I'm in the wrong lane with 90 cars behind me.

He spends the whole time saying I'm going too fast, or this wrong, that wrong... yet when he drives he goes over the lane lines all the time/gets in the wrong lane/ doesn't change gear etc (I can always wind him up by reminding him who has had an accident in every single car he has ever had- most of them not his fault I hasten to add, he isn't THAT bad a driver!)

Aside from that I hate to be told what to do when I'm actually doing it. grrr.

I think that some people are simply born more nitpicking and exacting than others, but also parental influence plays a part too. I know two people, my dh and a good female friend, who think nothing of doling out small but constant criticisms. Yet in both cases, they set high standards for themselves and feel so disappointed in themselves when they fail. They are their own worst critcs. They turn their criticism in on themselvs and suffer silently for it. My dh's parents can be exacting and critical, I haven't met my friend's parents but they sound the same.

Because of this, I think in my case fighting fire with fire, giving criticism back, won't work too well. Sometimes you do have to stand up for yourself, but I try to make light of it, turn it into a joke. Other times I change the subject (I'm an expert at this now) or just have a thick skin. Some things I know will cause grief so I do my best to avoid these flash points ie I never run out of white pepper or frozen peas. I don't care about these things one iota, but lack of them in our kitchen causes deep angst with my husband.

This friend of mine and my dh are two of the most loyal and caring people I know. I would totally depend on them in a crisis. Their critical natures are symptoms of stress and ingrained childhood behavior pattens.

A few days ago, my dh and I were saying how much we'd each like a room of our own - not separate bedrooms, just space to be alone. I asked my dh how he would decorate his room. I listened in silence as he told me his ideas. I then decribed my room. My dh picked me up on every detail, adding 'helpful' comments and criticising my taste. I reminded him it was my space I was describing. This little fact passed right over his head. He then began to put himself in my room plans, saying 'we' and 'us'. In the end he promised me that one day, when the children had grown up 'we' would have a room just like that.

I felt really touched. It perfectly illustrated to me what I know about him already. He can't help criticising, but in a way it shows he cares for me and wants to make my life better. No detail is too small to escape his attention. The day he stops criticising me is the day he stops loving me.

Yes Arabella, sometimes I do wonder if I still love him. He can be really supportive if I genuinely need him (like when I was really depressed in 2000), but that is not often. When we are alone (whenever there is a blue moon ) we get on really well. I think that the stress of having ds has made him more critical and/or me less tolerant to the criticism.

I think that he genuinely thinks that I don't do enough around the house, and he is a really neat and dust-free liking man! However, he didn't marry me for my housework skills, and I do often list the things that I have done before he even arose from under the duvet, just to shut him up! However, he doesn't consider ironing to be housework, and often says 'Don't iron my stuff', but he doesn't realise that I still nedd to iron all the other stuff, to stop us all looking like ragamuffins, so I might as well iron his three t-shirts too!

It is hard, and I do bite back sometimes. He is the sort of person who just doesn't appreciate the work I do unless it is stuff that he values. As long as his pants and socks are in the airing-cupboard, he doesn't seem to need to know how much work it took to get them there!

My husband is more of a control freak. Whenever I hang washing on the line he will turn it round to the way he likes, checks the tumble dryer in case I have not hung washing out. I must admit I hate hanging washing out so what I do now is put washing line up, hang peg bag on line and tumble dry all my washing making sure its all neatly folded before he gets in. We had fireworks on Wed night and he had taken the washing line out of its "pitch" so we could use it to launch rockets -today 10 minutes before he's due I spot the absent washing line so I had to run into garden to reinstall and put up just in the nick of time. He also inspects the receipt from shopping, telephone bill etc. complains bitterly about how much I have spent on credit card (honestly not a lot). A couple of years ago he went out to a 4x4 exhibition type of thing and spent £600 on "bits" for our new vehicle (which we hadn't picked up at that point) then next day went beserk 'cos I had spent £7.95 in Lakeland!!!!

I quite enjoy being deceitful now but only on these controlling issues. As for birthdays/christmas/anniversary etc he never buys me a present so I simply help myself - excellent!!!