What do you do with a critical husband?

[arabella2]

I've posted about this before but what the hell, here we go again.
Dh and I are going through a rough patch again... I withdraw from him because he is SOOOO critical. Always ready to find fault. I AM messy, but if it wasn't that it would be something else. Even when I make an effort he does not recognise it. Nor does he recognise the fact that I am almost 20 weeks pregnant, looking after our 2 year old, still waking up at night blah blah and so have limited energy.
Example of totally irrational criticism: I popped to the shop yesterday to buy milk and when I came back he asked me why I hadn't bought white bread (which I don't really want in the house because of ds) and potatoes????? What are you supposed to say to that? Basically the house was kind of empty of food and I was going to do a shop later blah blah...
He never has anything nice to say about the nice things I do with ds (taking him to see his friends or to playgroups or whatever) and instead focuses on how I sometimes drag him along to things which he doesn't really like (eg. shops)...
Anyway, anyone else have dh's who when they are in a mood find fault with everything even though they themselves are far from perfect? The other day he put our electric kettle on the gas and destroyed it. If that had been me he would have had soooo much to say about it. Or another example, he is always going on at me about leaving lights on. Yesterday I came back home to find he had left about 4 lights on before leaving the house...
All this just really gets on my nerves and for this and other reasons I wish I sometimes wish I lived by myself.
Why the hell did I get together with someone who does NOTHING about birthdays??????

I drove dh home once from a party we'd both been to and he'd had a few beers. He picked on everything and turned my indicators off for me etc. First I said I needed my own car because it was obviously lack of regular practice that was causing these deficiencies. Once I had my own car, I just told him that if he couldn't stop picking after a few beers he couldn't drink and if he wasn't going to drink he may as well drive! It's a lot better now.

Arrabella2 are you sure you're not me - my DH is exactly the same in fact its spooky. You're not on your own. But there's only so much criticism you can brush aside or laugh off. I get 'told off' all the time, its like i'm not living with my husband but some grumpy old man and the only thing we have in common is our DS aged 1. I am a professional working Mum, sorry SuperMum, who does everything, gets up in the night, works an 8 hour day, drops off and picks up DS from day carer, does the bulk of the housework (when DS has gone to bed). I eventually sit down after doing everything at about 10.30 then DH wonders why I am not that much up for a s*g. I then get picked on for not puttin the tea bags straight in the bin after I'VE made the tea (again) which is probably because DS is touching something in the kitchen he should and so I've had to rush finishing making the tea. He moans the spare room is like a chinese laundry but apart from running a huge electricity bill using the dryer constantly, you cannot get clothes dry in this weather. He moans about just about everything. yet he does very little. If I complain he starts saying I can't cope and makes me feel like its me thats got the problem and that his grandmother had ten kids and she used to manage - some consolation. If he cooks one meal then he has cooked all week. If he hoovers up he only does the lounge but he has done all the house work. he knocks on the door of the bathroom when I am in there in the morning because I am taking 'too long' getting ready. God this looks worse when you read it in black and white. last night he was nagging about something while I was on the phone to my Mum and so I finished the call and just blew my top and threw the phone at him, which missed. This startled DS and upset me because I had lost my temper in front of him, now DH is calling me a lunatic and I am not fit to be DS Mum. He continues to undermine me yet I know for certain he would not know where to start if he had to live my life and do what I do. I am the main breadwinner in our house, I have an excellently paid job yet without it we wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage. I am assertive and well liked at work, yet at home I have trouble standing my ground - why is this?? All I want is for him to get off my back and cut me a little slack, then I would be more loving towards him because I wouldn't feel like some oppressed naughty child. I am close to kicking him out as I don't want DS to be exposed to arguments between us and I don't want DS to grow up to be an arrogant, pompous p**k like his father.

Ok I have decided deffo that the way to behave is just to be silent when he criticises.

Its a bit like being in therapy. I was criticising dh over something this w/e and he was silent. it made me listen to myself and thinK I was in the wrong(wwhicH i generallyy am - natch..;0 )

I think the person who said that critical people are also very critical of themselves hit the nail on the head. At least in my case, because my dh can also be really nasty to himself.
Example of the sort of criticism which winds me up: this morning the kitcen was lovely and clean and tidy when we came down to breakfast, but dh still found something: too many old baby bits and pieces (bottles etc...) on the draining board. Anyway, I am adopting the ignore it as much as possible routine which I think will lead to more peace of mind. Life is too short.

My DP can sometimes be a bit of a nag. I put this down to the fact that he spent 9 months as a SAHD and was therefore probably justified in getting annoyed with me leaving stuff everywhere.

I have tried several tactics when confronted with the criticism (e.g. cleaned the whole kitchen top to bottom and all he noticed was that I HADN'T cleaned the draining board!). Walking off has limited effect - he know's I'm annoyed but not why (not all men have a 6th sense). Having a big row about it is stupid since neither of us a rowing people. The best is sort of making a joke - either I tell him he nags like an old fishwife and point out that the rest of the kitchen is spotless, or I just laugh and say how it's great that he spots the things I've missed. no hard feelings and it's all OK.

Oh and I do apologise when I've done something I know annoys him (like leave my coat and bag on the floor or walked past a big pile of my stuff on the stairs waiting to go up about 10 times).

However having said all that my DP is generally incredibly supportive and more than equal round the house and I won't go on because it would make you all sick

Meant to say arrabella2, when your DH put the electric kettle on the gas did you not piss yourself laughing at his ineptitude?!

Jobean, have you told your dh that you feel like this and you feel so undermined you are considering ending the marriage?

No, I didn't laugh Freddiecat, I said nothing much and just thought how he would have reacted if it had been me (telling me I liked throwing money away etc etc...). I have used the kettle incident once since then when he was criticising about something else. Sad isn't it, we must all be really bored. I certainly am!!!
Anyway tonight I am not talking to him as he has just been really rude (told me to "move my arse" in a really horrible way and in front of ds, plus I am pregnant as well and such talk is kind of humiliating).
Do you think I should have laughed about the kettle?

Arabella,

I think you should put arsenic in his tea then collect the life insurance. He's abusing you in a way - even though he probably isn't aware of this. Really hope you find a solution to this - even if it turns out to be a difficult one

arabella, definately think you should have laughed about the kettle The fact that you didn't just goes to show how upsetting you find the whole situation you are in now. Why don't you go and see your Health Visitor? She may come over for a chat for a few weeks and maybe just talking about things will help.

No real advice just cyber hugs.

Oh bless arabella - you are in a stew. I don't think I'd have been able to stop myself laughing but your reaction is probably a reflection of your state of mind.

I reckon that if you make a joke out of things which are really stupid then it really helps to ease the tension. (Although when DP ran over a ROCK this summer in a car park I didn't laugh but told him I would accept no more comments about my lack of spatial awareness in car parks - laughed many times since tho - especially when i told his mates!).

However it sounds like your DH might not get the joke somehow. I would sit down a talk to him if I were you.

best of luck xx

Hello everyone, well its good to be able to post good as well as bad news, whoever said DH are not blessed with 6th sense was very right.

Broke down, blubbed and told DH everything about how I felt and how he was making me feel. He just was so unaware of how truly unhappy he was making me but on the other hand I was also unaware of how rejected he had been feeling lately. It seems we were both so wrapped up in how we were feeling ourselves that we were not only taking things out on each other, we were ignoring the other's feelings.

I would like to say alls well that ends well but we still have a lot of ground to make up but at least we now seem to be on the road to recovery :0

Jobean, that's great. I am really impressed because I suspect I need to do the same with my dp - I know he's feeling horribly rejected by me, and I just don't have any energy to make him feel better IYKWIM and we carp endlessly about the house - not always, but when we're both run down. Good luck with getting things better.

Jobean great news