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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oops I think i've really upset him this time :-(

33 replies

NannyNat · 24/11/2011 14:52

Ok so slightly funny story, was trying to do the tesco online shop this morning but couldnt remember the password (dp set it up) so i sent for a password reminder. Now i know my dp's e-mail password although i've never been on it before, so i thought i'd just quickly nip onto his e-mail to find out what i needed for tesco (i realise this is wrong) so i got slightly nosy about the fact he had thousands of e-mails, noticed one read one for a porn site and found out hes a premium member and has been having private naughty chats with women on there.
Well i was upset and rang him admitting i'd been on his e-mail and saying how sorry i was and that i'd never go on again i was just really upset that i'd seen this e-mail. Now he's really upset that i went on his e-mail, i wish i never had and i know how wrong it is. How do i make it up to him? Btw he is ill at the moment so sex is not a way lol

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 24/11/2011 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SparkleSoiree · 24/11/2011 14:55

Ooooh. Difficult. In his eyes he may feel he can no longer trust you due to you accessing something he felt was private.

However you have uncovered a potential problem and whilst porn is not an issue for me having one to one chats with other women in a sexual manner are.

I think you both have some ground for discussion here.

AmberLeaf · 24/11/2011 14:55

You want to 'make it up to him' because you found out he has internet wanks with other women...and pays to do so?

You want to make it up to him ?

Pippaandpolly · 24/11/2011 14:56

Erm, you've apologised - you don't need to do anything more. He, on the other hand, has got some explaining to do. And making you feel bad for this is not ok - is he immature enough to think he can deflect your attention to the extent that you'll forget he's been talking to other women on porn sites?!

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 24/11/2011 15:00

I have to echo what Amberleaf says - you have it all the wrong way round sweetheart, he needs to be finding a way to make things up to you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/11/2011 15:01

Not funny at all actually.

Hold on a minute, you're feeling guilty for guessing his password to his e-mail account (he should have chosen something less obvious if you were able to guess it so easily) and yet he's been phoning premium rate sex lines?!. You also asked for a password reminder which they would have forwarded to his e-mail address anyway. If you hadn't found out re the sex chats he would have likely carried on with you remaining in complete ignorance.

Two wrongs don't make a right but I would not want to make it up to him. I'd be very angry instead with him for abusing your trust in such a manner.

HauntyMython · 24/11/2011 15:03

Why the fuck are you grovelling to him?!? He's paying (as a premium member I assume it costs) to belong to a porn site, and has been keeping it from you, and he makes you the bad guy?

Jeez, he really has you under his spell - has anything like this happened before?

HauntyMython · 24/11/2011 15:04

I hope this isn't real, surely nobody would think so little of themselves that they'd let a man turn this round on them.

dreamingbohemian · 24/11/2011 15:08

Er....why on earth should you apologise to him???

That's crazy. He's in the wrong here. Do you honestly not see that?

snuffaluffagus · 24/11/2011 15:09

I have had to go into my husband's email before for similar reasons, it's not like you were deliberately snooping so don't feel guilty on that score.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and he needs to explain his actions sharpish, not the other way around!

smearedinfood · 24/11/2011 15:09

You've apologised, now you say,matter of factly, "what are we going to do about these wanking sites we are paying for"

Tee hee when I was pregnant, I came into the lounge from a nap and found laptop and tissues at the ready. Oh how I wiped the floor with him ... (I didn't care but he did... Mwa haha).. Totally recommend matter of fact voice...

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 24/11/2011 15:22

Not that it necessarily makes it any better, how do you know that he's been chatting to women from just one email from the porn site? Or have you looked at his account in the site itself?

Jux · 24/11/2011 15:26

Classic strategy. He's focussing on what is really a smallish pecadillo in order to distract you from the much larger problem of his porn use and infidelity with some made up woman on the internet. His 'sin' is far more serious and will cause far more problems than yours, especially as you have been put nicely into thet frame of mind where your 'sin' has assumed immense propertions so you won't do it again.

Focus on the real problem. You had a legitimate reason to go on his e-mail (I go on dh's all the time, it's not a problem at all. Why would it be? We're married fgs, what secrets do we have? None.) Does he have a legitimate reason to be a premium member of a porn site? Er, no.

signet2012 · 24/11/2011 15:27

my ex did this. I found out purely by accident. He had given me his password to check his email and his emails didnt seem to be in date order so I had to scroll through a few pages to find what he was after.

I found out through this that he was paying for pictures to be sent to him to his phone.

I sent him a text of my breasts with a message underneath saying
"these are mine = free, real and in your bed every night, as opposed to the pricey, non free, non obtainable ones currently cluttering up your inbox"

I didnt get a reply, and when he did come home he looked incredibly sheepish.

bubblechristmaspop · 24/11/2011 15:28

You want to make it up to him? Jesus, he's done a job o you.

HoudiniHissy · 24/11/2011 15:28

Erm. You were shopping. You needed the password. You went to retrieve it.

IF he had not been spending the family money and his marital investment in chatting up women online there would not be a problem would there?

You TELL this cheating shit person that he has no moral standpoint here and that you are disgusted. TELL him that he is now under observation and that unless he bins the premium service, stops the SEXTING/Cheating that you will be seeking more than a password reminder, you will be seeking the numbers for a REMOVAL COMPANY.

Honestly, stop this right now, however you can. he won't stop unless you make a stand.

If he won't stop, he needs to vacate your life.

HoudiniHissy · 24/11/2011 15:29

Whoops, not married, but YKWIM...

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 24/11/2011 15:42

Why did you tell him and why did you tell him by text?

I would have waited for a face to face showdown conversation and, regardless of his current state of health, he'd likely feel in need of medical assistance by the time I'd given him what for calmly discussed his dirty expensive secret with him.

ToniSoprano · 24/11/2011 16:25

Um...why is it wrong to look at your husband's email? Sorry, i just don't understand what's so wrong about it. Think your mistake was apologising for this in the first place, giving him something to be cross with you about, instead of the other way round. FFS, you were only trying to do the shopping! - how were you supposed to know he was having these shady goings-on? And in what world is that your fault? You are married and have presumably seen each other naked and all that, so why this need for email privacy?

ToniSoprano · 24/11/2011 16:26

Ok, sorry, not married, but as good as if you are sharing tesco orders etc.

ToniSoprano · 24/11/2011 16:27

signet 2012 - that is so funny!

Jux · 24/11/2011 18:07

I am utterly indignant on your behalf.

ImperialBlether · 24/11/2011 20:52

Grin @ Houdini's "under observation."

I love the language on MN.

FabbyChic · 24/11/2011 22:18

Seriously if that had been me id just have set up a new email with Tesco.

HoudiniHissy · 25/11/2011 19:22

So Fabby? Is is OK that he engages in communications of a sexual nature with another woman when he is in a committed relationship?

Genuinely interested, cos I've just binned one that was and did have these kinds of communications with me and I would love NOTHING more than to have him back in my life.

So if it is OK, and I get the MN seal of approval for this kind of behaviour, please do let me know cos it'd make my day if I knew I could stay in touch with him.