My partner's about to split up with me. I'm heartbroken :(

[StarsAreShining]

I don't even know where to start with this. I suppose by saying that I'm looking for some advice and support. I know I can't make him stay with me, but I keep thinking that perhaps if I just said the right word or did the right thing, I might convince him to stay. I know it's stupid. I am so upset and terrified. But if anyone does know the magic formula for making sure that you are given a chance and not just dumped, feel free to share!

There have been various problems. We got together when my son was 18 months old and he was still a student. We had an initial problem which caused me to lose trust in him. We were both quite young at the time and I don't think he'd really considered what it meant to be with a parent. So the 'honeymoon period' was over for me pretty much straight away. There was a lot of rubbish around. This was dealt with, but other similar things have frequently cropped up. The most recent one was about a female friend. I have no objection to him having female friends but he thinks that I will freak out, so avoids talking about them as much as possible. He just assumes the worst. I wish he'd give me a chance to show him that I'm not some evil creature and actually support him making new friends. I've been so unable to cope with things for such a long time that he's become used to not really telling me anything for fear of my reaction. He is quite cold and distant. I absolutely love the pants off him. He's been my best friend for about nine years and I can't imagine not talking to him every day. He's been the one solid person in my life. My future seems bleak without him in it. Since the age of fifteen, there hasn't been a day where we haven't spoken. I don't think I can cope.

I've been depressed and other things for a very long time. I've only made an appointment with the doctor today, after finally asking my mom to come over and telling her everything. She didn't have a clue. I've been trying to cope with it all alone. He's wanted me to see a doctor for years and I haven't. I've been too scared. I've done it today and he said that it was good, but I'm worried that it's too little, too late :( He put up with this for a very long time. I've been in a really bad way at times and have no friends, so really leaned on him for everything. Nobody else even knew. He was my absolute rock and now he's had enough. I feel so alone. He's put up with so much from me and he doesn't even know how much I appreciate that.

We're in a long distance relationship and have been for the entire length of our relationship. He lives and works hundreds of miles away and visits us on a weekend. This was ok to start with, but has become less and less ok as time has gone on. I don't think he believes me when I tell him how much this has contributed to our problems. I feel like I'm in a part time relationship. There's no nice 'family' feeling for me. It's like having a really demanding guest stay every single weekend. This is clearly not his house. He has no life or friends here. None of his things are here. If I'm doing something else in the house, he can't go off and do whatever he wants. It's a very horrible dynamic, so I actually find weekends very stressful. I miss him all week and look forward to his arrival so much, but the weekends are so intense and I feel that I have to prove things are getting better but within a very small time frame.

We almost split up about two weeks ago after it being rocky for a very long time, but both agreed that we love each other a lot and are committed to making this work. I do feel that I've made many positive changes in that time. It's only two weeks. So only four bloody days of actually seeing him. I talked at the time about how I was worried that this was on a time limited offer, and he told me not to be silly. Within two weeks he seems to have given up. Two weeks was all it took. We don't particularly have fun together anymore. We don't make each other laugh. I definitely lost my spark and my personality and sense of humour when it was very bad and it just now seems to be coming back. But the years of being around me as a zombie have really taken their toll on him. I think he thinks the person he fell in love with has disappeared forever. I don't see how we can work on our relationship when we see each other at weekends. You can't work on a relationship alone and then come together for two whole days and see how it's going. It doesn't work like that. But there's no chance of him agreeing to move in with me while things are rocky.

I don't know what to do. Hardly had any sleep last night. Haven't been able to eat all day because I feel so sick. He's not telling me that he loves me or wants to work at things or anything, or even that he's willing to talk things through before making any decisions. He said he's uncertain. That's all I got. I am absolutely heart broken. Started bloody crying while I was dropping my son off at nursery. He absolutely adores him and the thought of telling him that he won't be seeing him anymore is unbearable.

I really believe that all of this is a load of shit. I am turning my life around. I now realise that I do have a future and I have goals which I'm working towards. My parents have described seeing me as feeling that they finally have their daughter back and that I've regained my spark. It's only taken eight bloody years :( It's as though all of the stuff has eaten away at everything we had. I was closer to him than I ever have been to anybody. He'd been waiting for the moment we got together for years. It felt so much like a dream come true when it finally happened and I can't believe we've let it come to this. I just want to get away from everything and be with him. All I want to do is be on my own with him, enjoy his company and show him how much I love him and how much I care. That is it. I'm sick of conducting my relationship over the phone. I'm sick of analysing and analysing and thinking about every single problem and how to solve it. I just want to relax, stop the horrible weekends and spend some time with him with the pressure off. The weekends are even worse now that I know he thinks there are problems which need to be worked on. I feel under a lot of pressure to make sure I'm acting like a normal person for those two days. That weekend set-up is not working. And it seems too late to make him see any of this. I just want to shake him and tell him to stop it. To allow himself to enjoy being here, to just talk to me naturally and relax and for us to both just stop it. It's too late. I can't tell him to just relax and we will have fun again. It's like we've both just gotten stuck in a rut and can't see a way out. But I love him. I'm ready to just stop everything and fix this. I just think he's given up on me now :(

I think I've lost the only person I ever wanted :( I know how sappy and self pitying this is. I feel like smacking myself across the face. For a long time I have literally had no friends and nobody to talk to and he was always there for me. And now he won't be :(

I think you need to let him go. He's not that interested and does not sound especially nice.

Is there a reason why you have no friends? Is there a reason why this man has become your be all and end all to life?

I think you may find he is the cause of most of your problems.

I feel so sad for you, I can read your saddness in your post.

Does he know all the above? Have you told him how stressful you find the weekends? How long have you been together?

Its very clear from your post that you are fed up with the long distance thing. He needs to know this and you both need to sit down and work out where you go from there, if you can go from there.

I think you need to look on this as an opportunity to move on. It sounds as if you had your ds very young, and have wrapped a lot of your identity up in this relationship. Between 15 and 23 you will have changed a lot, and maybe you've outgrown each other. The fact it's been long distance for all that time is very telling i think. I don't think he's ever been as commited to this as you have, or you'd both have made steps to be together.

The reason I have no friends is prolonged mental health problems which I've been too scared to face up to. My life just got worse and worse and worse from the age of sixteen. He was the only person I really felt I could talk to. I only told my mom this morning. He's been coping with that for years on his own. He has been incredibly nice to me. Nice to the point where it's been irritating. He regularly put himself and his own concerns to one side and completely focused on me and it's all gone wrong. I was the important person in our relationship and he just did whatever would make me happy. I think we've both made mistakes and done stupid things, which he would also accept. I'm just so sad that I think he's going to tell me he's had enough. I'm willing to put in time and effort and everything because I believe our relationship is worth it. I think I've just been dragging him down for so long that he can't even see a way out. Can't believe it's come to this.

He sort of knows it. It's just so difficult when it seems that everything is wrong. What do you do about that? In my case, sort my life out and see a doctor about some help. I know that'll make a huge difference to my life, but it might just be too late. He knows that I find the weekends stressful, but there's no other way for me to see him without him actually moving here. And who moves in when their relationship is on the rocks? It's all such a mess :( We've been together for just under three years. My son probably doesn't remember him ever not being around. I hate myself for doing this to both of them. I do feel that I've mainly caused this with my problems and my stupid brain. I split up with my son's dad and now I'm splitting up with my partner. He absolutely loves him. He tells him that all the time. He's already talking about how he's going to see him on Friday and I can't stop thinking about how it's going to be to tell him that that won't happen anymore.

I think he's gone past thinking that we can work through things now. I don't think he sees a way out. Other than leaving me. I dont even know what advice I'm looking for. I can't make him stay with me. I just wish that he thought it was worth the effort.

Bleh. Didn't want to hear move on. Not good at moving on! i've never met anyone else like him. Just finding it really difficult to hold it together in front of my son today. I have a habit of not telling people anything and trying to cope with everything alone. It was a very big deal for me to tell me mom eight years worth of crap stuff. I'm very good at hiding it all. Every time I look at my son I feel so, so guilty. And that makes me want to cry. And crying in front of him makes me feel even more guilty!

I really think you need to draw a line. It sounds as if you're going through a period of self discovery following years of misery. You must allow that to happen for you, by you.

The old saying "If you love someone, let them go" has merit here. You sound incredibly reliant on him and being in a relationship with him. That in itself, isn't too healthy. Concentrate on finding "you" again or, who "you" are now as a woman, an individual, a mother. When you find a good level of peace within yourself, if you still love each other, it'll happen. You'll both make it happen. But you have to move on for now. Good luck

Not many of us do like hearing what is blindingly obvious to everyone else. But putting your heart and soul on here will get honest responses. And even if it's the polar opposite of what you want to hear, it's a pretty good indicator. What would you suggest to say, your best mate, going through this?

Christ, I'm being particularly pathetic today. I'm one of those stupid people who can't cope with being alone. I feel like I need to bombard him with texts to make sure he doesn't go off and make a rash decision. Like there's a time limit on this thing so I need to say everything very, very quickly because he could turn around and split up with me at any moment. I've been sitting and looking at my phone all day. Just waiting around like an idiot. Reading into everything. He's busy at work and I'm wondering if the reason he's not replying is because he's already found someone else. I am ridiculous, aren't I?

Not ridiculous no. BUT what message does sending a dozen texts say? Far better to do the exact opposite of what is expected. If he's going to go, there's nothing you can (or should) do about it. Why torture yourself? You have FAR more important things to be dealing with. Deep breath. Turn the phone off. Be stronger than you have previously. You've taken some major steps towards improving your well-being, pause for breath, allow yourself to just "be" for a bit.

It's just awful. I hate it. I hate the thought of him leaving me. It's not even just that I want to be with him, but the thought that I wasn't good enough or I've left him with bad memories or I wasn't able to make it all right and I messed up. I just feel like I've let us both down. It should have been good. And because of me, it wasn't.

Why would he have to move in with you? Or you him? If either of you were prepared to move, you could just move close, rather than actually in together until you see how things go.

But to be honest, nearly three years of a LDR and you both haven't really progressed, it doesn't look great. Has he ever said he would like to move up to you or you to him?

Look it takes two to make a relationship work so it hasn't all been "down to you". Of course, it's devastating when it seems it's over and quite rightly, a bit of wallowing is a given. So stick some ridiculously sentimental tush type songs on, grab a bottle of wine, a box of tissues and have a bloody good cry. But tomorrow WILL come and there WILL come a time where you're going to have to pick yourself up and get on with things. And you've made a start already.

I would like to suggest that he just move nearby, but he just talks about money and things. He doesn't want to rent, but it would actually be impossible to get a mortgage. He can't find a job in this area. He's applied for a few and heard nothing. When we originally got together, he was just finishing his degree so was based in London. Did a teacher training course. Applied to come the the uni in my city, but didn't get in and went elsewhere. So we couldn't move in then. He was then asked to leave the course after a while as they said he clearly wasn't committed. He couldn't do all the preparation required of him because I was constantly demanding his attention. Again, that was because I really heavily relied on him at the time and would cry down the phone all night and beg him to come to see me. I spent all of my time crying on the settee during those months. Very rarely opened the curtains. If I wasn't crying, I was sleeping. I dragged him down. Again. So he had to move back home with his mom and hasn't been able to find a permanent job since. It's just been a sort of string of disasters. He's very worried about moving down here because he has no friends or life here and isn't exactly struck on the area. His face lit up with I talked about moving up there, but I don't want to do it because my son's dad lives here as do both sets of grandparents. He has a very close relationship with them. And I just don't really think that, now that i've acknowledged I have a problem and need help, moving away from my family is a very wise move! Neither of us have been happy with the distance.

And the reason he's been so funny about renting is that it turns out he's been saving money to put down a deposit on a house. For a very long time. But it's unrealistic to think that he could even get a mortgage when he can't even get a job! I just wanted him near me. I don't care about getting on the property ladder. I cared far more about actually creating a family unit with the person I wanted to be with.

Ok, you are depressed. You have reached a crunch point in accepting that and taken the first step to improving your mental health. So on the one hand it is as scary as it's going to get at the moment, on the other things will get better for you if you start taking the meds or getting some counselling.
You may be right about the DP or you may be absolutely anxious and pushing to confront your own worst fear in an upside-down kind of way.
Don't text - put £1 or 50p in a jar every time you resist the temptation so that at the end of the day you have something to congratulate yourself on and a concrete result.
Take a very deep breath, write down a succinct sentence for each of things you want to tell DP when he arrives ie I've gone to docs and think I just a bit of time to let this work/sink in before any more big things happen in my life.
If he's a shit, he'll show his worst side to you. But if he's a half-decent human being and a friend then he'll be a bit supportive and hang on about forcing any other big changes to your life at the mo. Just don't panic because everyone makes rash decisions when they are stressed or afraid. And be selfish - you are getting help for you, your son, and finally for the relationship with him in that order. and before you do anything else

I'll start by saying I'm a man in case that makes any difference.

I'm glad you are sorting out your mental health issues. That's important.

I don't know if he is part of the solution or part of the problem. I certainly don't think it is blindingly obvious that you need to move on. But you do need to talk to him.

Tell him the things you've said here. Stop trying to pretend everything is fine. Accept that there are problems and don't try and solve them on your own. It may be that your attempts to act normal at the weekends are part of the problem. If it were me I wouldn't want you to do that. I would want you to be you. I would want to help you with your issues and know that you wanted my help, even if I didn't always say or do the right thing. I would want to work together on the problems and figure out how we could make things better.

If you tell him what you've told us and he decides to dump you then he clearly doesn't care. If he cares he will stick with you and work through it with you.

He is glad that I've finally booked an appointment. We are still in contact, but I'm just sending a reasonable number of texts in response to his own. He's currently sleeping (we only had a few hours last night after talking for about five hours) but we'll talk again tonight. He basically knows everything. There's been a lot of very open discussion.

It's just that this has been hard for a very long time. He said that it has been a lot more hard work than fun. And it has, really. But I don't think it's because we're incompatible. I think it's because of a load of other shit. But I think he's now coming to the point where he's doubting that we can actually deal with this. I think he's considering whether this has been going so badly for so long that he's stopped loving me. Makes me very sad. Our situation has just been really hard.

He has told me that he's not going to make any rash decisions, so I don't feel so concerned that I'm going to be forgotten within the hour. I think sitting down and telling him that I'm making a very big step with the doctor appointment and that the medication/treatment might take time is a good one. He is already aware of that because we've discussed it, but perhaps actually asking him to give me some time to deal with that is reasonable. I don't know. He might just want to get rid by now!

I'll just see what happens, I suppose. Feels very scary. Not having stability is just something I don't cope well with.

Do you think a relationship can get to a point where there's been too much crap and you can't come back from it? You know, you just can't enjoy each other's company or have that easiness anymore?

Sorry to say this but I think you are strangling him emotionally. There really is only so much one person can give to another and it may be that you have sucked the life out of him. You absolutely need to concentrate on getting yourself well - and only you can do that. Get well and in the mean time leave him alone to gather his thoughts and think about where he wants to be.

You don't need to say sorry. I know exactly what you mean. I've been very needy over the past few years. I've almost requred 'gentle handling'. It's not great.

The thing is, OP, is that a relationship is supposed to be nice. You're supposed to be happier for having that person in your life. You sound as though, because of your depression, you've been really hard work for your partner. It's hard to feel happy to be with someone when they are, as MenopausalHaze says, sucking the life out of you.

If I were him, I would have ended the relationship when I got kicked out of university for not devoting time to the course - time that he was having to spend on you. I think that's too high a price.

You really need to go to that doctor's appointment and do everything they recommend to make yourself well again.

You were good friends. Leave him alone now and focus on getting well. Keep a diary and write down everything you would have told him. Don't bombard him with texts - it's really awful when someone does that.

Tell your son that he's had to go away with work but he'll see him again one day soon. Then don't mention his name to him. If your son mentions him, agree that it's a shame he's not there and then change the subject to something happy.

No. I know it's not. It's shit. But you really must get yourself right and let this guy 'detox' if you know what I mean. I think if you do that you'll find you're able to move on - and him too. And if it's meant to be he'll move back to you - and if not he won't. But hopefully by then it won't destroy you if he doesn't.

I'm not actually bombarding him with texts. I just fight the urge to do that. He's just called me. I've just made my position clear, really. If he wants to, I'm happy to do whatever. I'm sorting my life out and he can make his own mind up. He just seems intent on being negative about everything right now, so I've ended the conversation and left him to think/sleep or whatever. I don't think it's really constructive or even needs to be said. Whenever I said anything about how I'm going to the doctors or looking forward, he was bringing up something I did bad in the past or telling me I should have gone to the doctors sooner. I'm not very hopeful now. Feel very, very sad and alone :(

Okay Op, the more I read, the more this relationship sounds very one sided. He has been there to support you. He has tried to get jobs near you despite his misgivings about the area etc. He tried to get college near you. He dropped out of a course because of the time you needed from him. He comes to see you every weekend. Is it any wonder he is feeling negative? When have you been there to support him? I dont mean any of that nastily at all, just from a purely observational view point. Maybe he needs to see that you are prepared to do what you can for him. In more than words. Yes you are seeking help now, and that is great, but it sounds like its been a very long time running. Now is a time more than ever that there needs to be communication and understanding between you both if there is any chance for you to continue.

He actually just told me that the reason he was so happy that I was regaining my interests and my identity and had planned on going back to music college was because he thought I might meet someone else there and he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. So hard to hear that. I really thought I was making him proud by turning my life around and using my skills. Really thought he was proud of me :(