My partner's about to split up with me. I'm heartbroken :(

[StarsAreShining]

I don't even know where to start with this. I suppose by saying that I'm looking for some advice and support. I know I can't make him stay with me, but I keep thinking that perhaps if I just said the right word or did the right thing, I might convince him to stay. I know it's stupid. I am so upset and terrified. But if anyone does know the magic formula for making sure that you are given a chance and not just dumped, feel free to share!

There have been various problems. We got together when my son was 18 months old and he was still a student. We had an initial problem which caused me to lose trust in him. We were both quite young at the time and I don't think he'd really considered what it meant to be with a parent. So the 'honeymoon period' was over for me pretty much straight away. There was a lot of rubbish around. This was dealt with, but other similar things have frequently cropped up. The most recent one was about a female friend. I have no objection to him having female friends but he thinks that I will freak out, so avoids talking about them as much as possible. He just assumes the worst. I wish he'd give me a chance to show him that I'm not some evil creature and actually support him making new friends. I've been so unable to cope with things for such a long time that he's become used to not really telling me anything for fear of my reaction. He is quite cold and distant. I absolutely love the pants off him. He's been my best friend for about nine years and I can't imagine not talking to him every day. He's been the one solid person in my life. My future seems bleak without him in it. Since the age of fifteen, there hasn't been a day where we haven't spoken. I don't think I can cope.

I've been depressed and other things for a very long time. I've only made an appointment with the doctor today, after finally asking my mom to come over and telling her everything. She didn't have a clue. I've been trying to cope with it all alone. He's wanted me to see a doctor for years and I haven't. I've been too scared. I've done it today and he said that it was good, but I'm worried that it's too little, too late :( He put up with this for a very long time. I've been in a really bad way at times and have no friends, so really leaned on him for everything. Nobody else even knew. He was my absolute rock and now he's had enough. I feel so alone. He's put up with so much from me and he doesn't even know how much I appreciate that.

We're in a long distance relationship and have been for the entire length of our relationship. He lives and works hundreds of miles away and visits us on a weekend. This was ok to start with, but has become less and less ok as time has gone on. I don't think he believes me when I tell him how much this has contributed to our problems. I feel like I'm in a part time relationship. There's no nice 'family' feeling for me. It's like having a really demanding guest stay every single weekend. This is clearly not his house. He has no life or friends here. None of his things are here. If I'm doing something else in the house, he can't go off and do whatever he wants. It's a very horrible dynamic, so I actually find weekends very stressful. I miss him all week and look forward to his arrival so much, but the weekends are so intense and I feel that I have to prove things are getting better but within a very small time frame.

We almost split up about two weeks ago after it being rocky for a very long time, but both agreed that we love each other a lot and are committed to making this work. I do feel that I've made many positive changes in that time. It's only two weeks. So only four bloody days of actually seeing him. I talked at the time about how I was worried that this was on a time limited offer, and he told me not to be silly. Within two weeks he seems to have given up. Two weeks was all it took. We don't particularly have fun together anymore. We don't make each other laugh. I definitely lost my spark and my personality and sense of humour when it was very bad and it just now seems to be coming back. But the years of being around me as a zombie have really taken their toll on him. I think he thinks the person he fell in love with has disappeared forever. I don't see how we can work on our relationship when we see each other at weekends. You can't work on a relationship alone and then come together for two whole days and see how it's going. It doesn't work like that. But there's no chance of him agreeing to move in with me while things are rocky.

I don't know what to do. Hardly had any sleep last night. Haven't been able to eat all day because I feel so sick. He's not telling me that he loves me or wants to work at things or anything, or even that he's willing to talk things through before making any decisions. He said he's uncertain. That's all I got. I am absolutely heart broken. Started bloody crying while I was dropping my son off at nursery. He absolutely adores him and the thought of telling him that he won't be seeing him anymore is unbearable.

I really believe that all of this is a load of shit. I am turning my life around. I now realise that I do have a future and I have goals which I'm working towards. My parents have described seeing me as feeling that they finally have their daughter back and that I've regained my spark. It's only taken eight bloody years :( It's as though all of the stuff has eaten away at everything we had. I was closer to him than I ever have been to anybody. He'd been waiting for the moment we got together for years. It felt so much like a dream come true when it finally happened and I can't believe we've let it come to this. I just want to get away from everything and be with him. All I want to do is be on my own with him, enjoy his company and show him how much I love him and how much I care. That is it. I'm sick of conducting my relationship over the phone. I'm sick of analysing and analysing and thinking about every single problem and how to solve it. I just want to relax, stop the horrible weekends and spend some time with him with the pressure off. The weekends are even worse now that I know he thinks there are problems which need to be worked on. I feel under a lot of pressure to make sure I'm acting like a normal person for those two days. That weekend set-up is not working. And it seems too late to make him see any of this. I just want to shake him and tell him to stop it. To allow himself to enjoy being here, to just talk to me naturally and relax and for us to both just stop it. It's too late. I can't tell him to just relax and we will have fun again. It's like we've both just gotten stuck in a rut and can't see a way out. But I love him. I'm ready to just stop everything and fix this. I just think he's given up on me now :(

I think I've lost the only person I ever wanted :( I know how sappy and self pitying this is. I feel like smacking myself across the face. For a long time I have literally had no friends and nobody to talk to and he was always there for me. And now he won't be :(

I don't think he really wants to communicate with me. He's very closed. I often have to request that he responds to things I say because he'll just say 'OK'. It doesn't seem to occur to him that conversation goes two ways. I don't feel that he's open with me at all. There's not much I can do if he won't let me in. Doesn't seem to be much I can do now anyway. I've told him that, irrespective of all of this, I'm making positive changes. Just feel so sad.

Sorry but why does he have to move, why have you not moved nearer each other before now?

Did he get a degree? As he gets older he may well resent your part in how his life has gone. I dont think you love him I think he is your crutch and you dont know what you will do without it. You havent supported him at all but dragged him down so he couldn't get on with being at uni. You have been really selfish and given him nothing.

I listed the reasons we hadn't moved in together in an earlier post. Yes, he does have a degree. It was a teaching qualification he didn't get. I was being a little harsh on myself when I said it was all down to me. His heart wasn't in it and he didn't want to put the effort in. He just went on the course because he didn't know what to do once he left uni, really. I don't think your posts are particularly helpful. I haven't claimed that I've been wonderful. I also didn't mention that he cheated on me. I've given him a lot of time and effort in dealing with things too. The problems aren't entirely one sided. I'm not looking for a way to convince him to stay with me. I'm more sad and resigned to my fate now! Really sad.

I think maybe it is time for you to take some control of this situation. It sounds like he has given everything he has to give and just when you are starting to make positive progress he has no more support to give you. I think you need to take the bull by the horns and end things with him. Tell him that you need to sort things out for yourself and that he needs some space. Maybe give yourselves six months and see how you feel about each other then. Good luck.

You sound exhausting - sorry. This guy has invested so much in you but been smothered by your illness. He's now feeling a huge sense of guilt as he feels he's abandoning you. He's probably gained huge fulfilment from caring for you, but at the expense of his own emotional well being. On the other hand, by always coming back he has acted as enabler - you would've addressed your mh issues years ago if he'd left you then.

Of course you are devastated but it's time for both of you to move on an breathe again.

It's possible that as you were friends for years before he became your partner you may be able to remain so in the long term, but for the meantime you should separate and give eachother some space.

Your illness has made you unbearably needy - at last you're doing something about it.

Good luck op

Depression is a horribly selfish illness. It doesn't mean that you are per se selfish or totally unbearably and permanently needy, but the depression is definitely making you so. From how you put it, you are almost wishing him to fail you so you can feel worse. Again it's not necessarily you, but it is the depression. Taking some kind of medication can give you a little ray of brightness that will help you get out of this rut, make you a little more self-reliant and then more things will fall into perspective. It will take a lot of time and it's time you must devote to yourself. Cut him out for now, see it as being selfish in the nicest possible way, putting your health above the relationship. When someone is depressed there really is only so much a 'civilian' ie your DP can do to help. You wouldn't ask him to remove your appendix, or broken down boiler because he isn't a surgeon or a plumber. And if he does care for you he will get ever more frustrated because he can't help, so that will make him get cross.

I don't think this has necessarily been a healthy relationship for either of you. You stuck with him despite him cheating on you early on, is that right? So that didn't do a hell of a lot to improve your self-esteem or mental health back then, and you've been totally focussed on him as the centre of your universe, while your depression worsened. It's not been good for either of you.

It's great that you're determined to address your mental health. Please just focus on that.

Great advice from struwelpeter and buzzswellington. You feel so much to blame for what has happened. You have an illness and at last you're dealing with that. You'll come out the other side a much happier person.

concentrate on getting better. Don't pressure him for now. I don't believe that cutting him out is helpful but taking the focus off the relationship and onto yourself in order to get better is. Try to back right off but leave the door open to him if that is what you want, you can't really do anything to make him change his mind so concentrate on getting yourself better and stronger. Not everyone recovers from depression in the sense that its a one off event. Many have to learn to manage what is for them a chronic condition . It takes a multi-pronged attack. Meds can help - but they don't help everyone by a very long shot. Its also well known that they have a placebo effect- but who cares why they are working if they do for you? Therapy/counselling can be very useful, but some people have years of it and still suffer depression. See a professional and start looking at the various ways you can start living your life better, more exercise- especially outside in fresh air (walks in polluted busy streets won't help), better nutrition, challenge unhelpful thoughts , look into your emotions etc etc. I read lots of different books, I still have Undoing Depression by Richard O'connor on my shelf but there were others that were also very useful. Its hard work getting better and if its a chronic coniditon you have to keep up the changes , but with time they become easier as you form new habits and learn new life skills . I Had a Black Dog and Living with a Black Dog (the latter aimed at the partner not the sufferer) are also excellent - sparse words, mostly pictures but conveys a lot.
Good luck.

The fact that he has been happy to be your son's stepdad and has this tremendous bond with him but has never been bothered enough to actually live with him and left all the parenting to you AND now never intends to see him again is a massive red flag to me. I don't think you're the only one who's been selfish.

And the obsession with buying a house seems like a handy excuse. Ditto the fact it is apparently your fault he flunked out of university.

The reality is when you are a family, and he claimed you were, you move heaven and earth to be together. He hasn't been prepared to do that and while I do agree that you have your own issues to work through, I don't think he's been really committed to the relationship and that uncertainty has probably affected your mental health.

Please look after yourself. I'm not saying he's a total bastard or anything. But I do think that there is every likelihood that your life without him can be fuller, healthier, and happier. You may not have been good for him but he certainly hasn't been very good for you.