this is a bad sign, isn't it?

[meredeux]

DH has been working away but he comes home for good tomorrow. He doesn't have a job from Monday so for the first time ever, we'll be on benefits. I am dreading that, and I think most people would that that was understandable.

But, if I am honest I am also dreading having him home with me all day every day. We had a business together once and I felt like couldn't move without being watched/ couldn't speak to anyone without being overheard/ couldn't choose a TV programme without being judged. He's a nice person, he truly is, but you can have too much of a good thing.

I won't be able to talk to my family or friends without risk of an argument if he thinks I've said something I shouldn't have about our situation. My mum is difficult, so he's going to make me feel even worse every time I speak to her.

He'll be able to see over my shoulder if I am on Mumsnet (so goodbye Mumsnet forever).

We'll be poor so I won't even be able to afford to get out the house and meet friends for lunch etc to get a break.

On the other hand, the children will be thrilled to have him home again. he's been coming home at weekends but they have missed him badly.

I didn't write this in AIBU, but I am being unreasonable, aren't I?

BTW The reason i am writing this here is I am hoping by saying it out loud, I'll get rid of the feeling. I can't say this to anyone in real life because obviously they all know him.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I don't work and if dh is home during the week it gets on my wick sometimes. I like to potter around and do as I please - dh tends to comment on stuff like yours, so I feel I have to justify what I watch/do or say "Do fuck off, there's a love!"
He doesn't mean to be a pita, but you need to talk about how to share household organisation and your expectations of what your time together will be like.

You can always arrange to do stuff that doesn't cost much or volunteer at the kids' school 1 day a week to get you out of the house.
Is he a diy-er? Can you make a list of stuff for him to do or would he resent it?

"Do fuck off, there's a love!" I like it but it would be a precursor to at least a day of tension and arguments!

Unfortunately, he'd resent me giving him jobs as much as I am going to resent it when he starts complaining about how I've been bringing up the children in his absence (and they are in for an unwelcome surprise when they realise that he has many more rules than I do!)

Set your stall out early - if/when he complains, say "Please show me how you would do it." and then go out.

Well, going out might defeat the object, but standing and watching might be interesting.

Why will you have to stop going on mn?

"I felt like couldn't move without being watched/ couldn't speak to anyone without being overheard/ couldn't choose a TV programme without being judged. He's a nice person, he truly is,"

desnt sound very nice to me... what are his nice points?

I think it's quite natural to be concerned. You have some big changes happening don't you?

My DP worked from home when his office got flooded for a few months. Oh it was hell.

We either had to be quiet cos' he was wandering around like the big business man on his i-Phone to clients so we had to sshhhhhh. Or I felt he was just in my way, interfering (he was probably being helpful), making comments about what I listening to on the radio ( he was just probably making conversation). But after a few weeks I just wanted out of the home.

He totally disrupted the morning shower/breakfast/toothbrush/get dressed/dash to school routine. He'd have really long showers and I'd be seething cos' we'd late.

I love him but oh how I danced when his office re-opened.

Make sure you DP does his share of the house stuff and takes kids to school etc..

He's thoughtful, considerate, friendly, outgoing, warm....

the only real downside is that I shouldn't have anything to hide from him. Which I agree I shouldn't, but sometimes, you just want to let off steam before getting back on with things, don't you?

How can I write on MN if he is looking over my shoulder at what i've written? Imagine if he saw this thread.

Yep, I recognise that one. The morning routine is going to be out. The children will be constantly told what to do and when to do it, even though they've been doing it unprompted, by themselves for months now and I'll be given my list of jobs too.
Actually its already started, he told me on the phone last night that my priority for the coming weeks is to do a particular thing that I've been putting off.

If you have an iPhone take it to the loo

It's not forever

The children will have a terrible time if Dad's saying one thing, Mum's saying another.

If you want to stay together and make it work, I would suggest something like 'I'm in charge in the morning, you in the afternoon'. It may be the only language he understands - clear boundaries. That may be fair on dcs too and will help him learn to sit back.

That would be the only condition on which I would do this. I'm doing it at the moment actually, after dp redundant and it's been such a muddle when on the odd occasions I'm not around - but he doesn't get involved when I am there, lets me take the lead and it kind of works.

Him keeping tabs on you is not acceptable, there may well be emotional abuse and control issues happening. If so, now is the time to test them. Defy him, stand up for yourself and see how he reacts. We'll be here to talk you through it if it all goes pearshaped.

No you aren't. Personally I get so used to being on my own, it can really piss me off when hubby comes home.

Now don't get me wrong, I love him, miss him and all that jazz. But having him around, getting into my routine, is well annoying.

You aren't the only one to go through this, it's very, very common. Doesn't mean you don't have a strong marriages. Compromise, you just need to "learn" it again.

However, you are still "allowed" to do things you'd usually do you know, mn, friends, family, etc. Why don't you feel you can do that, without him watching?

That's a sign of a bigger issue. Not just the settling back in phase.

Hmmm...reading between the lines he's sounding less like 'a nice person, honestly' and more like an overbearing prick.
Yanbu.

Oh God - you can't doing anything without him judging you and he thinks you bring up the children badly? He won't do anything to help you out, but 'I'll be given my list of jobs'? He sounds like a controlling twat.

Good luck with surviving it all. I would suggest some VERY serious conversations with him from the outset.

Our children already know how to play us off against each other. I've lost count of the number of times that I've given permission for something that I think is reasonable, only for it to become apparent that DH has already said "no".
Now the children are taking it one step further and are making sure that circumvent DH altogether, so they ask me first.

One of the issues is that they were much younger when DH started to work away, so he doesn't realise that they are much more self-reliant and capable now. They had to be as de-facto I was a single parent, but in any case they value their new found responsibilities and sense of being trusted. So for example, our eldest won't value having to be bathed again with his brother when he's got used to giving himself a bath and deciding when to get out all by himself.

Um...why is he telling you what your priorities will be? Surely it's none of his bloody business! Who made this man king? Perhaps he should concentrate on what his own priorities are going to be , like getting another job... maybe? Only sayin'.

Would he accept you telling him what his priorities will be? If so, perhaps you could tell him his priority will be to keep out of your way! Good God, what century are we in again.

Also, love the "Do fuck off there's a love" - brilliant!

The kids will go for the path of least resistance. My dp is from the 'sorry I forgot' School of Undermining. So 'no sweets in the house' turns into 'there was a special offer and ...'

In your case the shoe is on the other foot and you are 'undermining' him. He needs to know and accept who makes the rules with dcs - it can't be both of you, you have to either agree, or one of you defers. Generally speaking the main carer gets to control the book of rules.

Have to say he sounds a bit of a control freak, and I would be dreading him coming home as well, actually he sounds just like my father who is slowly sapping the life out of my mother now he's retired by doing the same as you described in your first post

I am making assumptions here, but guessing that he's been made redundant or something like, won't he be looking for another job?

And then surely he'll be spending a large amount of his time doing that?

And then also surely there's a chance he won't have to be at home for that long?

Just that you're talking as if it's forever (is it?).

To be fair, he will help around the house and with the children. He just won't be directed that's all.
And he is trying to get another job, but I'm realistic that December will be a quiet month for new jobs being advertised, as will the first couple of weeks of January. So, I'm expecting to have him around until February at the earliest.

It is scary times though because things are not looking good out there, so what if he never gets a job? I can't bear the thought of living on benefits.

Could you get a job?

Pardon me but why would DH coming home mean that DS1 needs to be bathed with younger brother?

I know how you feel OP. DH was once made redundant, and he worked in a very 'niche' market so the prospects weren't great. But he did get another job within a few weeks

If there's some reason that he has to be at home for an extended period - gardening leave maybe, then couldn't you look for a job? Then he can get on with the house stuff if he's so good at it (making you lists of jobs to do), and running round after the children.

@tonisoprano - That's top of the to do list I've been given by DH. I've been trying to find one for a couple fo months but I am having no luck thus far, probably because I've been a SAHM for several years now. I realised I had no chance going back at my old level, or the one below that or even the one below that. But then i'm finding that I can't get interviews for junior posts either (presumably because I don't fit the profile). I'm goign to keep trying though because it will answer many problems.