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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dont find partner attractive any more. does it matter?

37 replies

jsilvia · 23/11/2011 19:31

not done this before or really made use of mumset. Not sure how this works! here goes.
My issue is that I no longer enjoy or want to have sex with my partner (of four years). I just go through the motions and that is making me fee absolutely wretched. He is a lovely man and I was once very much in love with him. We both have children, but not together. Mine are both at university, and his are much younger, and only come over to stay with us once every month. (he seems them several times a week - in their home). So, any reason relating to being too tired, focussed on looking after young kids etc, just don't work for my situation. I simply don't fee any physical attraction towards him at all. I have not been honest with him ( this in itself must be a problem and corrosive for the relationship) although he must know we both feel differently about sex. He always initiates, never me. I feel like I have let him down and feel so very sad about losing this part of our relationship. I guess I wonder how normal this is. Maybe sex for me is too bound up with excitement and can't be linked with domesticity?
Any thoughts?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/11/2011 19:33

Are there other men you find attractive? Just wondering if your hormones are a bit "off".

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/11/2011 19:37

Yes. First of all, don't be too hard on yourself.

Excitement doesn't always last forever. If you are planning on chasing that 'rush', you'll likely go from relationship to relationship. There is a whole other feeling when you build a life with someone that is just as good and exciting.

That's if you are with the right person. It may be that you're bored, it may be that you're chasing that first flush - but it may also be that your relationship really has run its course.

I'm no expert. The only thing I do know is that nothing ever gets solved by not talking about it and you never save someone's feelings by not being open. People aren't stupid. They know that something's wrong and it's a hell of a lot more painful to not know what it is and to imagine all sorts.

Talk to him. Maybe you could go to relate or to a sex therapist. I know that can be hard but my opinion, for the little it's worth, is that if you can't talk to someone about sex, you shouldn't be having it with them

Painful as it will be to talk and to address the problem, it will be less painful than doing nothing.

buzzswellington · 23/11/2011 19:37

Are you going through the change?

If everything else is right, but the libido has gone, could it be hormonal?

If not, perhaps it's the whole relationship you should consider losing, rather than just the sex part.

JLK2 · 23/11/2011 19:37

How old are you?

NatashaBee · 23/11/2011 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 23/11/2011 19:40

Maybe you've just fallen out of love with him. It happens.

However, without knowing your previous history. it's not possible to determine whether counselling could help you remove any inhibition that may be due to you believing that sex can't be enjoyed once the first flushes and frissons of excitement have settled into a long-term relationship.

recall · 23/11/2011 19:42

Nor me, have been happily married for 18 years. Didn't fancy him for years and years, but recently he has had a running fad, lost 3 stone and I have started to find him very attractive again. It is possible for it to come back. Can you focus on the things that 1st attracted you to him ??

For what its worth, I think it is quite common, especially after the first two years have passed.

recall · 23/11/2011 19:46

izzywhizzy I found that I remained deeply in love with my husband, but i just did not want to shag him particularly.

Original poster

jsilvia · 23/11/2011 19:47

Gosh what a lot of speedy and helpful replies. I am really grateful and so so pleased to have 'told' someone - at last. Ok, so answers: I am 50 and not going through the change at all. I am not using hormonal contraception athough had that awful mirena coil for a short while - didn't make it worse, as I am not sure my lack of desire for dp could be much worse. I do still think i could like sex again - I feel a sense of being attracted to others (not lots! just feel that I still have that potential). I get this idea of first flush. I was single - apart from a few short lived flings that I didn't want to take further - for a long time after i left my kids' dad. I was so thrilled to be in a long term relp with someone lovely. But maybe it isn't right.

OP posts:

recall · 23/11/2011 19:51

jsilva despite my lack of desire for my husband sexually, i never once thought that it wasn't right. I feel able to separate the two things, shagging and lifelong partnership.

Original poster

jsilvia · 23/11/2011 20:04

recall - that is interesting. How do you separate the two things? How do you deal with the lack of desire - do you not have sex, or do you agree to it/pretend?

OP posts:

recall · 23/11/2011 20:56

Well , we have sex, but not very often, I never fake an orgasm. DH is aware that sometimes I am not as into it as him. I find that an unexpected BJ is a good idea. It is not really meant to be mutually enjoyable, so there is no expectations from me, he loves it, I like the fact that I have pleasured him. He knows that I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to. It sounds awful and cold written down, but in real life it seems to work Having 3 little kids, we are both often too knackered to worry about it.

Every day, we seem to have at least one good belly laugh together, I think that is as important and as intimate as sex.

7to25 · 23/11/2011 21:33

It would be very unusual to be 50 and not going through any kind of hormonal changes

carantala · 24/11/2011 01:21

You may be one of those people who loves the thrill of a new relationship but who gets bored very quickly with the humdrum of daily routine and having sex with the same person; it's usually men who feel this way (sorry to any men who are not like this!). How was your relationship before you got together permanently? Perhaps you are missing the romance and the excitement that you once had?

carantala · 24/11/2011 02:22

jsilvia I am very sorry but I posted a bit too quickly and it was ill-conceived.

It is a wonderful achievement on your part to have two children at university and you must be extremely proud of them. Wonder if your life seems a little bit flat now as your children are heading towards independence (hopefully) and you are contemplating your own future. Don't be downhearted; write down the pros and cons (I did this on advice from MN - think it was from WWIFN miss her so much) and decide what's important! Hope that AF joins your thread - she also is brilliant!

carantala · 24/11/2011 02:29

molly3478 · 24/11/2011 07:15

Personally I couldnt be married to someone I wasnt sexually attracted to, otherwise what serperates your relationship from just friends? I dont think the spark and initial attraction should fade out personally.

ToniSoprano · 24/11/2011 16:42

I know some people this happened to, and they went to Relate and it got sorted very quickly and to both of their satisfaction! Apparently sexual counselling is one of the easiest, fastest and most effective.... If you still want the relationship and all the other stuff, and this is the only thing, and you actually want to improve it, I think it can be done!

ToniSoprano · 24/11/2011 16:44

And, in answer to your question does it matter? - it does matter if it matters to you!

Helltotheno · 24/11/2011 16:46

I'd say large numbers of people are in relationships which are more about friendship and less - if at all - about sex, especially people in their 40s and 50s. As the previous poster said, it's more about what you want and how that feels to you.

recall · 25/11/2011 22:26

molly what if your partner was injured and disfigured, would you split up if you no longer found them sexually attractive ?

FabbyChic · 25/11/2011 22:30

We in our forties might seem old to you but I still feel 25 when I have a decent relationship I shall be fucking for England.

Once the desire goes its time to move on.

recall · 25/11/2011 23:36

Fabbychic "Once the desire has gone its time to move on"

Can you imagine explaining to 3 kids that we left your Dad cos I didn't want to shag him much anymore, you can't just abandon a relationship cos you don't want to shag.

toptramp · 26/11/2011 00:06

I don't think that not wanting to shag someone any more is a bad reason to leave a relationship. Of course you don't have to tell your children the whole truth about the sex bit but if you don't want to shag him decide is it worth it? Don't you deserve sex with someone you desire?

toptramp · 26/11/2011 00:07

Is it a relationship if you don't want to shag though? Or just friendship?

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