dont find partner attractive any more. does it matter?

[jsilvia]

not done this before or really made use of mumset. Not sure how this works! here goes.
My issue is that I no longer enjoy or want to have sex with my partner (of four years). I just go through the motions and that is making me fee absolutely wretched. He is a lovely man and I was once very much in love with him. We both have children, but not together. Mine are both at university, and his are much younger, and only come over to stay with us once every month. (he seems them several times a week - in their home). So, any reason relating to being too tired, focussed on looking after young kids etc, just don't work for my situation. I simply don't fee any physical attraction towards him at all. I have not been honest with him ( this in itself must be a problem and corrosive for the relationship) although he must know we both feel differently about sex. He always initiates, never me. I feel like I have let him down and feel so very sad about losing this part of our relationship. I guess I wonder how normal this is. Maybe sex for me is too bound up with excitement and can't be linked with domesticity?
Any thoughts?

Is it the idea of sex which is boring you or the sex itself? Because if you're not enjoying it, it may be that you need to try some new things? My DW and I have one night a month each for each others fantasies for example (not saying that's feasable for everyone) but simply that there are many things you can do to try and spice it up a bit.

On the other hand if it is him that you are physically unattracted to then that may be a bigger problem and it may not be working for you.

Sounds a bit grim if sex fot you is about his pleasure and your performance. Too much pressure v. anaphrodisac.... Has it all got a bit perfunctory and rushed and you find it generally unsatisfying?

Imagine if you were still actively seeking sexual satisfaction with him and he had no interest at all but obliged you with occasional oral sex. How would that be for you both?

recall - him being disfigured or injured wouldnt make me less atracted to him. Obviously things change about him but we still want sex with him as much as when we first met. I think its strange if you dont and definitely donyt think I could go a life with no sex/intimacy and knowing I was only going through the motions.

Also recall my mum and dad got together at 14 ankd they obviously look loads different nearly 45 years on but they are all over each other all the time holding hands, kissing etc. I think that is how you should be with the love of your life.

Well maybe its my lack of desire for sex full stop. I'm just into it. About once a month I feel into it, and it will last for about a week, but then it wears off again. There isn't any other man/woman in the world that I would want to have sex with.

I look at my husband, and I find him attractive, and I love him so much, but I just don't feel the urge to snog him and start having intercourse, or anything else I would much rather have a back massage. Actually, when he gives me a massage, the noises I make arouse him, this is unintentional.

The trouble is, if I'm not fussed about sex, then I don't see it as a problem for me, but it isn't fair on him. I don't know what the answer is. That is why I do the BJ because I don't think its fair.

Maybe its because I have three children 4 and under, and I run my own business and I'm just too busy/tired to get into it.

Any suggestions ?

sorry jsilvia I have hijacked your post

recall - When you have a back massage doesnt it get you in the mood at all? What about him doing that then stroking your hair, leaning over and kissing you on the neck passionately on each side why you are lying down in the back massaging position (tbh the neck thing is the thing that guarntees I will have sex as it drives me mad!)

I also think if you say you have the 3 kids under 4 but didnt fancy him for years ad years what do you think made you not attracted to him before the kids when you had the time. Do you have nights where you watch films together in bed? or things like showers together? All these things make you close (and horny!) I find anyway.

molly without being TMI, I just don't get turned on. I think what put me off initially was that we both changed quite dramatically physically, we both became obese. I recently lost 4 stone, and he has lost about 3, and I do now find him very very attractive, but I just don't want have sex. It is something that I have to actively focus on, whereas when we were younger (been together 18 years now) it was just happening, like I had no control over it, I really wanted to shag him several times a day. Its a different feeling if I have to make an effort to concentrate on being turned on. I suppose it is a little bit like eating if you aren't hungry. If you are starving, you can't help thinking about food and trying to eat some, but if you have no appetite, you can still eat if you need to, but it wouldn't cross your mind to. Hope that makes sense.

Having thought about it all morning, maybe the problem lies with me thinking that i am unattractive which puts me off. My DH seems to find me attractive, but I just feel sort of silly initiating sex. I feel like some character in a Carry On film. My boobs are very heavy, I have lost a lot of weight and fed 3 kids, so they aren't exactly pert, and then I have a big wobbly belly that they flop onto. How can I be desirable looking like this ? I have to compete with all the images in the media of beautiful perfect female bodies. I think all this is at the root of it.

Hugs for you Recall, and my thoughts on your situation, as a bonus. I know your situation because it has also been mine, though not any more.

You probably look much like all the rest of us who have kids. Battle scars, baby! My boobs look like the boobs of a 38 year old woman who had children and fed them. How else would they look? That's what I am. I like them because they did a top job, and because they are soft and sensitive and they feel nice.

World's full of women having incredible, incredibly satisfying sex, because they know it's not what they look like that matters, but how they feel. Women not buying into the woman-as-object stuff.

I don't buy women's magazines any more because they tried to make me feel bad about how I look - and I started to. They have a vested interest in making me feel bad about how I look, so that I spend money on products which will promise to make me look better. It's a beauty tax, essentially. Our economy runs on low self-esteem. Don't buy into it. You're already perfect, did you know that? You really are. Because you are YOU. No-one in the world is just like you. You are very special. Make friends with yourself.

Wow Flnelle that was really lovely. I feel all inspired now, I am activated

Flanelle - yeah - good stuff! :o

"Once the desire has gone its time to move on"

There would be a very large number of menopausal women seeking divorces then . Life isn't that simple. And you can't summon up sexual feelings through sheer willpower, giving yourself a pep-talk or guilt-tripping yourself about your DH's needs either. Alcohol, drugs, porn (if that floats your boat) can help sometimes, but not will-power.

jsilvia - I'm 50 as well, and could have written most of your post. I wish I had some more constructive suggestions, although all the ones above have worked for me on occasion

It is extremely likely that this is an age-related problem for us both. I've only had a couple periods in the last 18 months, so my eggs are definately going off.
A lot of posters are very quick to assume that something must be wrong in your relationship or your life, but the sad truth is that some women DO just "go off the boil" during the change. I'm going to trot along for a chat with a friendly (female) GP before Xmas and explore some HRT-type options. Maybe you should do the same!

HTH