I'm feeling lonely. I know I did the right thing. But sometimes I just want to stop life for a bit and collapse.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I have three dcs. I work full time. I left xh finally in August after years of trying to make things work.

I know I've done the right thing. But I'm just so very tired of being strong all the time. It seems like everything requires effort and some form of fight. Work, money, dcs, ex-h, everything.

And of late I feel like I'm reaching my limits. The house I'm renting is always a tip, I leave the house at seven every morning, I'm home at 5.30, by the time we're all fed and the dcs are in bed I just want to collapse.

I have no holidays to take until march, other than a couple of days off at Christmas, I don't have a permanent contract and so getting signed off isn't an option. But I desperately need a break.

Any tips on keeping going? I know this is in Relationships, but I guess I'm classifying it as "how to cope shortly after leaving one and keep on doing it all".

My mantra has become "just keep putting one foot in front of the other". Which is all I know how to do.

X does see the dcs but I have no family nearby and the only reason we were here was for h's job. But I can't take the dcs away from him. His job is very specialised and he couldn't easily find work elsewhere. I'm trying to be fair.

Right, I think that's it. So mumsnet, who I have not had time for for a long time, but who has helped me so much over the years; any advice will be gratefully received.

TIA

could you go and see your GP and get signed off with stress and depression for 2 or 3 weeks, give you time to recharge your batteries - it's a very busy time of year

I could, I know they'd sign me off without a second thought, but my contract runs out in a couple of months. I've been told I'll be given a permanent contract when that happens. But until I have one in my hand I can't be sure I will. I need to work. I want to work. I've been there 16 months.

I'm worried they'll rethink things if I get signed off :(

Could you ask someone in your family to come, stay and help you out for a week or so? Just to give you some support and company in the evenings and knock up a meal or two?

could you afford an au-pair? don't know your financial circumstances, sorry.

Does ex have the dcs overnight at all? It sounds like you need a break!

Can you afford to get a cleaner for an hour or two once a week or fortnight to keep the cleaning down?

Do the DCs do any chores or tidying? Depends on ages I know but you shouldn't be doing everything all by yourself. I pitch this to DS as we are a team and as a team I expect his help. I also expect him to take pride in his home like I do and so we tidy up together, or while I'm doing the pots he puts the pile of clothes in the washer, the washer tabs, and turns it on. When I straighten my bed sheets out in a morning I remind him to do the same. Little things but they all help.

I'm in the same situation as you - it's so tough and relentless isn't it?

I have told dh that he needs to get a big enough flat to have the children overnight. Its the only way I could get some respite. Is there any way your X can have the children over night?

I go to bed every night at 9.30, am up at 6 doing packed lunches, breakfasts etc and then work all day. it's a grind.

It's a good idea, but they all work too, and although they are lovely and helpful they can be a bit overbearing.

I'm not meek and humble type, but I don't have the energy to fight them too.

That probably doesn't make much sense :o

The dcs are so good and coping so well.

I think I'm hoping for miracle advice that doesn't exist. Or maybe just a "there there"

I'm one of those people who everyone thinks copes amazingly with everything. And on the whole it's true. But I'm just so tired.

I'm not depressed, but I am stressed. Very. And I need an end in sight, but I can just see more of the same stretching on forever.

Sorry, x-posts!

Can't afford au pair, but possibly a cleaner.

X has them one night a week but hasn't for the past month due to his newfound "social life". He's being a bit of a knob.

Ds1 helps with the dishwasher, with an awful lot of humphing :o

I just look at it all and freeze.

my exh is too - completely reliving his youth while I have the dcs every bloody night!

hopefully it'll get better soon (maybe).

I think it's a good idea to go out sometimes too - i went out with a friend last night even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. It did make me feel better though (even though I'm exhausted today). It's a good idea to get out of the house and away from being a parent sometimes imo.

I've got a friend coming round tomorrow after work. It's that toss up between knowing you'll be more exhausted after socialising and knowing you have to socialise to stay sane!

hiya crunchie, long time no see

How old are the dc ? They should have regular chores to help out. I know it can feel like harder work to chivvy and police it all, but it will pay off in the long run. Don't just do everything yourself because it's "easier"...only in the moment is it easier

if you can afford a cleaner, do it, the feeling that someone else is taking some responsibility can make all the difference

and while we are talking about responsibility, your ex should be doing more

his social life should not be impacting on yours/your "break" time

you both made these children, so there is no reason for him not to step up. Don't give up the pressure to make him be a proper co-parent, not simply taking the "nice bits" and leaving you all the shitwork

stop pretending you are fine...it helps no-one

Should your ex not step up to the mark here? Most seperated couples I know have a every other weekend arrangement. I am sure it is difficult if he is being a knob but surely he wants to spend some more time with his DC?!

First off.

My darling! I'm so very, HUGELY proud of you for having left him. Honestly - it was the right thing, the sane thing, the best thing, the only thing. I'm chuffed to pieces that you were brave enough and strong enough to make this difficult decision.

Now onto the practicalities. It is a grind and it is hard work - I totally understand where you're coming from. Have a look into cleaning services, if you can afford it? Do it!

If not, then you just need to manage things differently. For example - every person leaving a room takes something with them...so, for example, if your DS is leaving the front room for the kitchen, they need to take something from the front room (like a cup maybe, or a sauce bottle, or a pair of shoes, or a book) and put it where it lives - this is quite the game for little ones, but also extends to older kids and to you yourself (IYKWIM?) The same rule applies to every room in the house - if you're leaving a room, are you taking something (clearing it up) out to put somewhere else? This is such a small thing, but it makes SUCH a difference.

Packed lunches - I used to make up a big batch of sandwiches on a sunday and freeze them for the week - one less chore in the morning.

As to the X. Well, if things haven't changed then I'm guessing that you're tip-toeing with the access and are fairly reticent about sending them off for too much time (forgive me if I'm wrong)

It's all very well people telling you that he SHOULD be doing more, but I get the feeling that you're asking for help and sympathy to cope with things as they stand?

Anyway, crunchie, old bean - you have a big tump of sympathy and understanding heading your way from me, and also a big and the offer to help in any way I can.

oh, there is lots of sympathy too

AF... Shirley :o

Thank you.

Yes, yes, yes it was the right thing to do! And I'm relieved to not be carrying him anymore. And to be brutally honest after the initial bit I haven't missed him at all.

I had a bit of a rant at him last week. I think I have been too reasonable and too "flexible". So hopefully we'll be more on track with the shared access from now on.

I disappeared for a bit because I couldn't bear it any longer and have given the place a vicious blitz. Ds1 wandered in, and although he grumbled has helped out. And now, bless his little cotton socks, I can hear him hoovering! Which I didn't ask him to do and has brought a tear to my jaded eyes.

Jeeez, just getting it all down here helps so much.

It'd be a stretch to get a cleaner in, but if it was just for a couple of hours a week hopefully I could manage. My sanity may need it!

(and damn you MNers for being right about h all along! Ha! I'll know better next time! :o)

How about getting ex to take the kids for a whole weekend? Would that help?

crunchie...just looking at the mess can make you feel desperate

why don't you draw up a rota with you and the dc each having a task to do every day

age appropriate of course

but kids can do a lot more than we give them credit for

stop micro-managing and offload shitwork onto them too

they use the bogs...they can clean them

Xmas, he is having them this weekend as his mum his visiting. I'm thinking I might ignore housework and run away from it all. Would that be bad?

The other two dcs are under six, ds is a teen. But ds2 could do more certainly. I think you're right, AF, time to spread the load.

I think I'm also missing male company, but h has put me off relationships for a long while methinks! I have been asked out a lot since my singledom has been announced, which is very nice and flattering :o good for the old ego. I think I do that mum thing of feeling guilty about what is, what isn't and what can't be helped.

I couldnt just read and run as am in the identical boat including ex being a knob. I will watch thread and post back in a few days.

Ok confused :) sorry to hear I'm not alone (IYSWIM!)

Nope to feeling bad - look, as far as I'm concerned a home merely needs to be CLEAN - tidiness is a secondary issue

You're in the first phase of a breakdown of marriage - Be KIND to yourself FGS - It's so important to just look after yourself - obviously the children need care firstmost and foremost - but an untidy kitchen for an evening isn't the end of the world...

none of it is The End Of The World - the worst thing you could imagine has happened sweetheart, and you did it, and you WILL cope, but you also need to cut yourself some slack.

Shirley :) I know you're right. It's been really hard, but no where near as hard as it used to be when things got really bad.

I guess I'm adjusting to my problems being practical rather than... Well... H being the problem. It's a whole new ball game. A different balancing act I suppose.

I just don't want to feel hopeless. Sometimes I'm so positive about everything and then other times... I just wonder when life will start.